Electa

:You_Rock


This is a note of thanks to Morning Glory and her wonderfully instructive explanation of the hooks which keep us linked to our significant others in ways that are destructive of ourselves and them both.

Each of the ten "hooks" are so full of meaning that I found myself carefully reading each of them, considering how the information applied to me personally.

I especially liked the one line, which resonated resoundingly with me "No one is helpless without having learned the advantages of being helpless". OH, MY, GOSH! How true that is! And HOW I have been manipulated by this one. I can't believe I haven't seen through THAT manipulation.

Just a few reflections: We parents are particularly vulnerable to these hooks, because, when our children were young, and unable to make wise decisions for themselves, we had a moral obligation to help them, to instruct them, and to raise them in ways that allowed them to reach healthy adulthood where they could be confident, functional individuals with the skills and attitudes they needed to be successful in this world.

When that doesn't happen, parents are uniquely vulnerable to thoughts that they somehow failed their child. They become wracked by remorse, by guilt, and by feelings of inadequacy. Then there are the opposing feelings they are whip-sawed by, which are feelings of resentment toward their child, and the world, for what seems to be cosmic injustice. If they truly feel they did their best to raise their child in a wholesome, healthy way, (and most parents do) then there is the aching sense that their child betrayed them. That's when the bible saying "sharper than a serpeant's tooth is the ungrateful child" comes to mind. Parents have obviously suffered in the ways that we do, down through the centuries!

When a parent subscribes to the belief that they did not spend enough time/ energy/resources on their child or give that child sufficient love and approval and recognition (on observing that their adult child has not achieved social and emotional maturity beyond the age of majority) they are vulnerable to their child's demands for "more" whether that is more time, more sympathy, more support, more instruction, and on and on and on.

My own daughter once told me, when she was a pre-adolescent, that she "didn't want to grow up". At the time, I was flattered that she was enjoying her childhood so much she couldn't see wanting to leave childhood behind. I reassured her that when she grew older, she'd be happy to be a grown-up, and not to worry.

Unfortunately, while our daughter did indeed grow up (she is now aged 27) she has managed to remain a child, emotionally. For years both her father and I have continued to offer our counsel, our guidance, and even, until a couple of years ago, our money. All that we gave went nowhere. She has spiraled down to her current state, where is supported by/lives with an older friend, has no career goals, no ambitions and only a part-time, rather menial job, despite her college degree.

We have come to the point now that we recognize we must disengage from our daughter, and are doing so. Just a week ago she got a much needed observation from me that her father and I are "attending to what she is DOING, NOT what she is SAYING". This meaningful bit of advice came straight from this forum!

I have learned so much from the Sober Recovery Forums since I joined a couple of weeks ago. I am SO grateful for the support I've gotten, even those slaps across the face (figurative) that were delivered gently, but firmly, by respondents to some of my earlier posts, to help me see the errors of my thinking.

And to Morning Glory specifically, I want to say Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. Your carefully developed essay on "Hooks" (why, this one essay could constitute the curriculum for an entire educational course) is helping me grow as a person, giving me permission to take back my own life, to not feel guilty about the daughter I raised, to focus on my own life, and feel good about myself.

Electa