aboutdone

Dont know what kind of music you listen to, but here is a song I ran across that I thought might give you a little inspiration. You can find the video of it on any of the video sites, but here is the lyrics by Theory of a Deadman.

"So Happy"

Put the bottle down, finally got somethin' to say
Take another look around and find someone else to play
(Needless to say) That you've got problems
(There's no ****' way) that I'm gonna solve them
(It's never the same) Every time you slip, then you fall down, down, down

Ever wonder what I been thinkin' about ?
I been thinkin' bout throwin' you out

I'm so happy about you (I'm fed up, so get up and get out)
I'm so happy now we're through (I'm fed up, so get up and get out)
I was so afraid, now you're gone away
Sent you packing, look who's laughin' now
I'm so happy that I feel this way
I'm so happy that I threw you away

Put your problems down and pick up what's left of the pain
Take a good look at yourself and see who's really to blame
(Needless to say) You got issues
(There's no ****' way) That I'm gonna fix you
(It's never the same) Ever since you went fallin' down, down, down

Ever wonder what i been thinkin' about ?
I been thinkin' bout throwin' you out

I'm so happy about you (I'm fed up, so get up and get out)
I'm so happy now we're through (I'm fed up, so get up and get out)
I was so afraid, now you're gone away
Sent you packing, look who's laughin' now
I'm so happy that I feel this way
I'm so happy that I threw you away

I'm so happy about you (I'm fed up, so get up and get out)
I'm so happy now we're through (I'm fed up, so get up and get out)
I was so afraid, now you're gone away
Sent you packing, look who's laughin' now
I'm so happy that I feel this way
I'm so happy that I threw you away

Iwanttoheal

Hi Sesh

You have done the right thing - you are looking after you and therefore your children.

My codie mother never left my AF and this has left me and my alcoholic brother with deep, deep scars that at the age of 44 yrs I am only beginning to deal with. Responsibility to children is 50:50; 50% the alcoholic and 50% the co-dependent. My mother never took up her responsibility; you have and you should stand proud because of that.

I wish my mother could have been like you.

With regards to giving your husband money - responsibility goes top-down, adult to child not adult to adult and certainly not child to parent. Practise saying no.

This last week, I have said no for the first time in my 44 years of life. If I can do it, anyone can.

Good luck and keep strong. You are doing the right thing, IWTH xxx

sesh

Thanks, thanks, thanks.
Each day I feel better, each day I'm more and more convinced I'm doing a right thing.

Aboutdone, you really made laugh. I did acctualy tried going in front of the mirror with my angry/shouting face. Oh my God!!! Who's that woman? I used to think I was beautiful until I saw that. LOL. NO wonder my AH looked terrified when I spoke to him like that. I was sure on those occasions the look of terror on his face was due to what I was saying, only now I realize he was horrified by the sight of me. LOL.

And you're so right about trying that reverse psihology and speaking to him the way he speaks to me. I'll do that when I speak to him in the future. Great advice!!!
I loved the lyrics of the song. So inspirational. I found the song on youtube, love it, it is a kind of music I like.

He phoned me yesterday, very upset, and asked me if I have told his mum what's going on.
I: No, I told your brother.
AH: You did?
I: Why? Is that some kind of secret? (really calm)
AH: It's not secret. (totally confused I'm not saying anything else or trying to justify the fact I told his brother)
I: OK than. Anything else?
AH: No.
I: Goodby!

Felt so proud of myself as I didn't allow to get sucked back into old patters...
I feel so proud of myself in general, as even though I think about all this constantly, I don't obsess anymore about what he thinks or might think, does or might do or don't do... I'm letting go and it is sooo liberating and I'm begining to love the sentence: It's beyond my control!
I don't know what life has stored for me in the future, but one think I'm sure of:
THIS PERSON HE BECAME I DON'T WANT IN MY LIFE!!!
And it's simple as that.

Saying I don't think about his reasons anymore, sometime during that non-thinking, while the reality was becoming clear to me, I've realized that quite possibly drinking is not the essence of his problem, I think it's PTSD, that he refuses to deal with, pretending everything is ok, but his past is catching up with him. He lived throug the war in Bosnia, and a lot of bad things happened to him during that time. This is not making excuses for him, as at the end of the day it changes nothing. He is still the person who refuses to admit needing help and having a problem. So it all goes back to him. To tell you the truth even if he decides right now he needs help and wants to do something about I don't know if I could bring myself to get involved into that process, as I'm so tired of everything and as bad as it might sound I even think to some degree that he's beyond help... For his own good I hope I'm wrong... Time will tell...

sesh

As my emotions keep changing I became aware of one thing:
even though I have all good reasons for leaving him, I had them for years, that is not what is making me do it, because however I feel there is this thing inside of me firm and unaffected by my emotions: I don't want to do it any more. I give all the reasons and none of it is truly touching the essence of this thing inside. I've been wandering about it for a few days, because I don't know now anything I didn't few months or years ago, and I was asking myself how come I'm doing it now. Sure I had enough, but I had enough for an awfully long time. And only now it came to me: It is a survival instict. I guess I was finally really going to drown in all this and my survival instict kicked in making me swim for the shore...

Hope this is not turning in my diary, but I just have this need to share everything here, it is making me feel much better, and I'm learning so much in the process...

I had a rough day today, took my kids swimming to my family's summer house, as it is very hot, and when we got there I stayed indoors making lounch, my kids went to have a swim, 5 minutes later my daughter is calling, I go down by the pool and my son has a nose bleed and is spitting blood. She told me he just jumped into pool and surfaced with blood on his face. he said he didn't hit himself on anything, he just started bleeding. I'm not a kind of person that normally panics, but being stressed so much at the moment, I just couldn't cope, I froze and didn't know what to do. My kids got scared by my reaction, I was shaking and crying... Eventually I got it together, by that time the bleeding has stopped, and I phoned a doctor, who told me I shouldn't be worried, it happened because it is very hot and he was probably feeling too hot and entered the pool suddenly... My son was ok right afterwards, but I feel like the train has run me over...
I felt so alone and so scared, and now I just feel like I can't take it anymore... I know it is just a bad day, tomorrow will be better, but right now the weight on my shoulders feels way too heavy...

Bohn05

Boy this is exactly how I am feeling at the moment also Sesh!!! Thanks at least I know I am not alone.

aboutdone

Sesh, Hang in there.

Remember emotions hit anytime/anywhere.

Right now, bad days outnumber the good. Then it will be even. Then good days will outnumber bad.

Remember that drinking is just a symptom of the disease of alcoholism. So you probably are on to something with your idea of the PTSD. Many addicts/alcoholics suffer from other personality disorders/conflicts as well as from the disease itself.

Hang in there, it does get better!

aboutdone

Sesh, Hang in there.

Remember emotions hit anytime/anywhere.

Right now, bad days outnumber the good. Then it will be even. Then good days will outnumber bad.

Remember that drinking is just a symptom of the disease of alcoholism. So you probably are on to something with your idea of the PTSD. Many addicts/alcoholics suffer from other personality disorders/conflicts as well as from the disease itself.

Hang in there, it does get better!