bluejay6

I've said it elsewhere on other threads and will repeat my thoughts here for you, rae:

Do not apologize to an abuser.

If you regret anything you say in a note, or comes out of your mouth on the telephone, or if you throw something across a room.....whatever "crazy" behavior the abuse of an addict evokes in you: you have NOTHING to apologize for. Or feel embarrassment about.

Do not apologize to anyone whose abuse evokes extreme behavior in you. That is what abuse DOES.

xx
Bluejay

rae33

Laurie6781, we must have been posting at the same time... you are right, I dont have to let him back in BUT he is the one with the money! I had posted previously that I am in a high unemployment area (recent report stated that there are 7 job seekers for every job available ) plus spotty job history (except mostly I have been a stay at home Mom which no one in the working world seems to value or appreciate!) My AH does make a living from his music but the vast majority of our income and our security net is an inheritance/trust fund kind of thing (his). It is a blessing and a curse at the same time... but... it is still HIS and not even something I would have access to in a divorce so I need to get some income but in this crazy economy, just trying to be realistic, I'm not too hopeful! Even b4 the economy crashed here, the jobs that were available dont pay much at all and now its all just worse... I know that where there is a will there is a way and all that but it IS scary, and I dont want to go home to TX to live with my mother or anything (my worst nightmare- probably even worse than living with an active alcoholic-- dont like TX and LOVE LOVE LOVE Oregon). He has stated in the past that he would NEVER leave me with no money and I know that if we did separate, the money would not go straight into his hands as it has in the past because the trustee (his sis) knows that without me to manage the $$, it would all be wasted on alcohol- she wouldnt release it all to him and would 'probably' still give me at least something while our son is still at home. I have to get my life together so I am not depending on him but I dont know where to start! How did I get here is a very good question!

Everyone, honestly, thank you so much. I keep saying it but it is unbelievable how much you are ALL helping me! THANK YOU

bluejay6

I love Oregon, too. The summer here has been gorgeous.

Have you spoken with a lawyer?

rae33

A divorce lawyer, no. But I have read on the internet that inheritance can not be considered community property or shared assets, it is HIS and HIS alone. I could confirm that with an attorney though. I had been hoping to get a therapist this month but because of AH's 'problem' I had to contribute some of our funds to hiring a lawyer (and still owe more) Things are tight. I always think that I am going to get caught up and have a little extra cash flow, but something always seems to come up, this time the lawyer and getting my son home from TX plus the expenses he incurred while staying down there, etc. (AH spent all the vacation $$ on partying with his brother... so thoughtful) Basically, what I am trying to say is that I dont feel like I have extra money right now to get a lawyer. My priorities are more in line with getting a therapist, getting my kid back to school (starting high school!) and paying the bills.

rae33

I know, believe me, I know. It is all just so overwhelming. I have a million thoughts and ideas flying around in my head at all times, plus the fear of being independent and responsible for myself is very real. Its funny because in some ways this whole thing (relationship) seems like it has been this LONG ordeal but in other ways I feel like all of this is happening 'overnight'. I have had high paying jobs in the past and would have been able to support myself nicely with those salaries, but that was then and this is now-- and I dont feel very employable! Like I said, I DO NOT want to go home to TX with my mom but it is somewhat comforting to know that that option is available if it really came down to it. I am a smart girl and I always was so together, keyword "was"! I know this all just takes time. Even right now writing all this my heart is beating a million times a second and I am feeling like a panic attack is coming on! I do have faith that all will work out the way it is supposed to in the end, either with AH or (more likely) without him. I need to go relax and get my mind off AH for a little while. Even so far away, he seems to be controlling my every thought and action. Think I will see if I can find an al-anon meeting close by that meets tonight. My son is going to the beach with a friend for the next week starting tomorrow, so I will have some more alone time and hopefully can work thru some more of this!

wanting

Rae, I would definitely talk to an attorney. It all depends on how the trust was set up. And, even if you may not be able to get at the principal (the bulk) of the trust, you can still garnish from distributions if you have a child support or alimony order. (Can you tell what I do for a living?)

Live

Take some time for you to relax and feel calm and serene. Rome wasn't built in a day and you don't have to do everything at once. One step at a time, baby steps are perfectly okay, but you can get support and begin forming a plan for yourself.

outtolunch

Your life is your responsibility. No one can live your life for you. You are in charge.

Is this guy employed or is the trust fund the sole income?

Anything acquired with the trust fund is marital property. Oregon is a equitable distribution state and takes into consideration child support and the contributions of the at home, homemaker during the life of the marriage.

In otherwords, it's unlikely you will be left destitute.

No reason for someone who has been married for 16 years to have to return home to mama. I have no doubt that you are capable of once again supporting yourself. Use this time to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life and then do it. Return to school. Learn a new skill that you can use to support yourself. The Health Care field is wide open and relatively secure. Much of this can be accomplished at a relatively inexpensive local community college.

The more you do for yourself, the better you will feel about yourself and your future options.

There are alternatives to continuing to rationalize his behaviors and choices.
Taking responsibility for yourself is powerful stuff.

rae33

thanks again everyone for all your valuable insight- I have so much to think about! i have considered going back to school, maybe it's time to consider it again.
AH is a working, professional musician and does make an OK living from that. We wouldnt make it on solely that income but it is there. It's also one of the excuses he uses to drink- playing out, where alcohol is served, around other musicians who drink, etc. ("It's what musicians do...") Funny, I thought musicians played MUSIC!
Us getting that $$ from his trust is what enabled me to quit working in the first place & be a stay at home mom (a good thing- wouldnt trade that for the world.) The first 4 years of my sons life I was working A LOT and I missed a lot from those years. Funny though, during those early years, AH was sober, our relationship was fantastic and he was the best Dad to our baby boy... My plan had always been to return to work when son got older, went back to work in '03 but it was NOT a good match for me, and AH had started drinking again by that point, I was a mess! That job lasted about a year and a half before I had to leave. It paid very well but honestly it could have paid double that and it would have still been a 'bad' job! For 7th grade we decided to home school bc I got so upset with his school... found a fantastic school for 8th grade (last year) which leads into a really good high school, so decided to put him there. I was READY to go back to work- I miss having something to do, being around others, feeling productive, etc, but- then I left AH last July and all that craziness started, got back together/ walking on eggshells/ dry drunk/my own ignorance of the situation... and all the while the economy is falling apart! Which is where I am now....

Anyway, I think I WILL look into some health care field options as outtolunch suggested. I have always been interested in health... And I know that there will always be jobs there! Good point! Also think I will consult an attorney, a free initial consultation sounds good, knowledge is power!

My son leaves today for his beach trip- I want to just try to RELAX and put all of this aside for a few days, to see if I can live even a few hours without thinking about all the problems, the what ifs, the pain, etc. Wish me luck!
And I know I keep repeating this but THANKS TO ALL OF YOU, this is all helping me SO SO MUCH! I feel like a different person than I was when I first started posting here. At least now I feel like there are options...