rae33

I had only recently begun posting here (and receiving tremendous benefit from it!) when about 4 weeks ago my AH went to TX to visit family on a trip that was originally supposed to include me. After his last fall off the wagon, though, about 2 months ago, I decided that I just couldnt bear to go, I just wasnt strong enough to be his babysitter the whole time! Anyway, long story short: 2 weeks ago, he ended up in jail on an OLD (12 years ago) felony warrant that he knew he had outstanding there, yet he still didnt lay low- went off and got drunk pretty much as soon as he got there, the details of which are still all falling in to place for me as friends and family members come forward. He is looking at MINIMUM 2 months in there and that is IF the case is dismissed (good chance, it is a weak case, exaggerated charges but you never know...). The one who told me that he had been arrested was an ex-girlfriend of his from 20 years ago... someone I found out that he had been in contact with on Facebook prior to his leaving for the trip. When I found out, I LOST it... on top of all the other trauma and BS that I was going thru b/c of his alcoholism, I just broke down. He assured me he wasnt going to see her down there. I know that she is married, 2 daughters, happily married (we've talked since the arrest). But they were hanging out together (as friends supposedly) when it happened-- so, broken trust, LIE about not seeing her down there, etc. Anyway, since it happened, I've been going thru all kinds of emotions back & forth between anger, sadness and the last few days hoping (foolishly?) that this is the perfect situation for us to give it one last shot. He will be at least 2 months sober when he gets out & has already written me about wanting recovery for him SELF and not for anyone or anything else. I have never heard words like that come out of his mouth. In the past it was he would quit drinking so I wouldnt leave him, etc So I took that as encouraging... The first week or so in there he didnt have any money to buy calling cards and everyones phones are blocked for collect calls so he was going crazy and got a message out somehow to this girl and she came & visited him with info from me, his mom and his best friend. Now, he has money, we've talked a couple of times and letters have gone back & forth. I have written him several notes over the last week full of encouragement, forgiveness, hope (& boundaries that I am setting). Letting him know that with the new knowledge I am gaining from SR and from al-anon that I see that there are patterns that we fell into & that there might still be a chance to make it work (but only with serious recovery involved) ETC ETC. Anyway, heres where I need help! Today his best friend went to visit him & the friend told me that AH had asked friend to contact the xgf & ask her to come visit b/c no one else is coming to see him and he is so bored/scared/lonely/whatever. I AM HURT! Am i just stupid? Am I over-reacting? I KNOW he is bored in there but I am thinking that a little time with himself is exactly what the Dr. ordered here! Get to know yourself, figure out WHY you are so troubled, etc. at least that is how my mind is working. The friend had already told the xgf the message b4 we talked (not sure why he called her 1st anyway! He is a really good guy, dont think it was mean spirited or he wouldnt have told me about it at all). The last time I had talked to the xgf she told me that when she had seen him, AH had asked her not to come again as he thought it would upset me (duh!) so i KNOW he knows its not cool... anyway, I texted her today & asked her not to go, she agreed and says she completely understands... but I am 2500 miles away!!!!! How do I really KNOW whats going on, I want to trust her, I want to trust the friend and I so desperately wish I could trust AH (thats going to be hard to get back if ever). I just feel like he is 2 weeks sober and is STILL acting like an inconsiderate ASS! I know I am probably just deluding myself again, thinking that there is any hope left, I just want the man I used to know back so badly! Where did he go and who is this other guy that took his place? I dont like him and wish he would go back wherever he came from. Advice?? Please?? I dont want to feel or look like a fool anymore!!

Live

From what you have posted here...his needs come first. second, third and last and yours don't count. He knows it is a no-no and he doesn't care because he selfishly wants what he wants and you'll have to live with it or not...he will string you along and do whatever he wants just as he all ready has as long as you allow it. Nothing indicates that he has any intentions of changing, so if there is to be a change you will have to make it. As we say around here, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Is this how you want to live? Because this is what it is going to be like..you have the preview.
I think you deserve more respect and to be treated with love from the man you choose to love.
What you see with him is what you get.
I KNOW it hurts, it REALLY, REALLY hurts, that is why I am being so blunt with you...
I hope you don't live with this for years as I and many others here have.
hugs, (hope, unity, gratitude, serenity)
live

rae33

Thanks, liveweyerd. I know that you are right and that is what I have been telling myself all day, but it really helps to hear it from a neutral party. I have been putting up with this %&*! off and on thru sobriety and drunkenness for 16 years now. So many of those years were good ones, but so many of them were not! I think I deserve more respect and to be treated with love from the man I choose to love, too. I had written to him in one of the letters that I would no longer be taking his 'words' at face value, as he had proven to me that his word meant nothing. That for the foreseeable future, I would only 'listen' to his actions. Well it didnt take long for his actions to start talking to me! I wrote him a quick note today telling him I hoped he had enjoyed all my previous words of encouragement, that I hoped he enjoyed his visits with xgf (he doesnt know she told me she wont go) but that I wouldnt be corresponding with him again for a while. I know I have at least 2 months to gain strength and insight. I dont want to give up on him altogether but I know I sound like a cliche, too. Thanks for listening and for your opinion!

Live

Sweet lady,
I am sorry that you are going through this!
I had 5 years invested in my XABF and I was so lame that the only way I could go no contact was to come here and count the days like counting sobriety..which in a way it is.
Try to do nice things for yourself and love yourself with all the love you have been giving to him...you do deserve it.
If you haven't read the stickies, those will be helpful and aid in keeping your thoughts focused and your mind clear about the situation.
There are also some wonderful posts in the Best Of Sober Recovery Forum.
I suspect that these upcoming 2 months you will find yourself relieved to be free from the sickness and drama that goes with an active addict.
Have you checked out an al-anon meeting...you will find understanding, support and friends there as well as here.
There will be others along here soon who are far wiser than I so please keep posting,
wishing you the very best,
live

laurie6781

(((((Rae)))))

Sweetie, not only do you have the '2 months' you can have as long as you need. Upon his release, as part of 'your boundaries' you can insist that he find a "Sober Living House" to live in for at least 6 months or longer, until his ACTIONS show he is serious about recovery.

Alanon would be great for you you, and maybe even some one on one counseling with a therapist that specializes in addiction. If you call your County Health Department they can probably give you a referral to some tht have 'sliding fee'. They may even have counselors.

I am glad that you found us, but sorry for the reasons you had to. There is lots of great info here and hopefully some of it can help you.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

naive

rae-

it's not sounding good. it sounds like he's playing you. first the drunken spree, then the arrest, then the lies, then the old girlfriend (premeditated even)...

have you had enough yet?

i do know (we all do) what its like to grab onto their "talk" of recovery but actions speak louder and even after all that, he still contacted his ex girlfriend. i wouldn't believe one word that comes out of his mouth.

you could take your two months, go no contact with him and get your head clear of his lies and manipulation. i am concerned that if you continue to support him through his sentence, he will continue to play you. why not go to alanon and get a therapist and start working on your own recovery from this heartbreaking relationship?

Freedom1990

I'm far too familiar with the promising talk that comes with incarceration. There's a difference between true sobriety, and forced abstinence, compliments of the justice system.

Mine told me everything I ever wanted to hear, and my heart soared with high hopes. It took less than a month after he got out before those hopes were dashed onto the rocks.

You deserve so much more in your life. You have the power to give that to yourself!

:ghug2

Learn2Live

No, you are not stupid. Those are your instincts telling you something is SERIOUSLY wrong here and you need to do something for yourself.

No, you're not over-reacting.

How do you KNOW that he is bored in there? Are you trying to read his mind? Did he tell you personally that he is bored in there?

Is this YOU figuring out what HE needs in order to have a better life with you? He sounds like a grown man to me, capable of figuring out what he needs (and wants) by himself.

Do you realize that your relationship with your husband is now directed by another woman? You are trying to communicate with your husband through what I would call his girlfriend (no matter what anyone TELLS you is or isn't going on).

You can't really know what is going on, even if they were to both sit down with you and confess something. Knowing what is going on between THEM is not really going to help you right now. You cannot do anything to change what he or they are doing. No matter what they TELL you, and no matter how they act, you have to trust your instincts.

Turn your attention toward yourself, YOUR body, YOUR mind, YOUR heart, and YOUR soul. I know that is VERY hard but you can do it.

Getting what you WANT will not make you happy. Do you realize now that you have developed a relationship with two separate people, one of whom is another woman who is behaving very inappropriately, and that you are trying to build a positive relationship with them, in order to try to have a "normal" relationship with your husband? How do you like having these people so intimately involved in your marriage, and in your life?

Rae33, Honey, he is still behaving the same way, because he is still HIM. I know you think and feel like he is right now a different person than who you used to know, or who you know he could be but that is living in the PAST and in the FUTURE. Live in the Present Moment. Your husband did not go anywhere but to a Texas jail. Your husband is not some other guy who has taken over his body, nor an alien from outerspace, who is going to go back to somewhere else.

Keep going to Al-Anon. I know this all hurts very badly but day by day, wake up in the morning and decide what kind of life and what kind of feelings you want to have THAT DAY. Then, decide how you are going to achieve that THAT DAY.

Hang tough. Follow your heart. Listen to your instincts. And surround yourself with supportive people.

Pelican

Thanks for updating us on your situation. I was encouraged by your post when AH first went to Tx. You were taking steps to care for yourself. You sounded upbeat and positive. You were accomplishing some of your goals. You posted these on 7-29-09:
Here is my short-term plan:

1.) keep visiting this forum and read Codependent No More

2.) go to my first al-anon meeting on Saturday and keep going. Iunderstand that sometimes you have to go to a few different meetings before you find one that 'clicks'

3.) make a list (I admit it, I'm a list-maker) of all the things I used to enjoy as well as things I am interested in trying. Find some classes or some groups that involve those things and GO OUT and do one or more of them

4.) Start thinking about and/or looking for a therapist, which I can probably swing in about a month. (make it happen)

5.) Go get my hair cut and colored this week (always makes me feel good)

That should keep me busy and focused more on me for a little while, I think!



I'm concerned that your loneliness is clouding your better judgement. I know what it feels like to miss your spouse. I know the feelings of love and how they can cover over our hurts and disappointments and cause us to believe maybe it wasn't so bad after all. I would lower my standards and make room for unacceptable behavior in my life, just so I wouldn't feel so lonely. I also felt fear that maybe I would always be alone. I recommend that you examine your true feelings. Picture your life in 3 years. What do you want your life to look like? The past 3 years or something better?

Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior, right? This is from your post of 7-28-09.

Almost exactly 1 year ago, I left AH and moved in with a girlfriend. I was miserable and wanted so badly for him to 'hit rock bottom' and get his $&%! together! But he didn't. He rarely even called me even though I repeatedly told him I loved him and wanted him to get well for us, for him, for our son (now 14). I was beyond crushed by his lack of seeming to care and when things really started getting out of hand (I found out he was seeing someone else! Funny how we just 'know' these things...) I called him on it and he broke down, saying how devastated he had been that I left and that he needed me and was so ashamed about the other woman, etc, etc. He promised that he would quit drinking, we got a new place together and he was truly sober for 7 months. I was so excited at the prospect of starting over! Meeting some new couple friends (non-drinkers), doing all the things I'd been wanting to do, etc. I was on cloud 9! The problem was he was cranky, irritable, always complaining about 'being bored.' I would suggest literally hundreds of things we could go out and do together but there was always an excuse or why he didn't want to do that. I got bummed out and I guess I just quit trying, our relationship fell back in to the same old patterns and then about a month ago, he went out one night and drank. Since then, he has said he was done drinking about 3 times but has gone out and drank about 10 times. Currently he has been sober about 2 weeks. I know he wants to quit but I am also learning that it's not that simple....

I think the "reformed" man you are communicating with presently, is not the recovering, repentant, sober man you hope for. He is forced into this sobriety and there isn't any recovery work happening. Couldn't he ask for AA visitation instead of old girlfriend visitation?

I'm concerned about your sharing with his girlfriend. How well do you know her? If they were hanging out together, does she drink too? Who told you she was happily married? Her words or her husbands words? I know my RAXH's drinking buddies would describe their marriages as happy and solid, but their definition was different than mine. They enjoyed swinging and I didn't appreciate the advances!

We are your support group of friends that understand what you are going through. We will help you put down the magnifying glass that has you looking at your A's behavior, and ask you to pick up the mirror and look at yourself. This is your one precious life, how do you want to live it?

ToughChoices

I suffer intensely when I desire something outside of my reach - something I can see or remember but can't attain.

I now know that it is not within my power to restore the past. It is an unattainable, very frustrating goal. I cannot, through wishing, hoping, scheming, planning, or praying change "what once was" into "what now is."

My suffering wasn't resolved by figuring out a way to reach the object of my desire (in my case, to bring the "man I loved" back from the darkness of addiction), but by changing my desire.

I found relief when I focused an honest eye on the man before me, acknowledged my inability to make him anything other than what he was, and made an informed decision about whether I wanted that man to share in my life.

Do you want this man for your partner?

Jadmack25

Rae33, I do so feel for you, and how hurt and helpless you feel right now.
I guess your AH does feel "lonely', being in jail and his closest buddy (alcohol) not able to visit him, but instead of thinking over how he got into this s**t, he calls xgf to come cheer him up. Should this wacky thinking surprise anyone? Not really I guess, given that he isn't in recovery, just forced into no drinking because of where he is.

Guess he just continuing to think as always, and that is "what is easiest for me?"
As Pelican put it he isn't repentant, recovered or reformed, just sober and that for only 2 weeks. If he were home and had been not drinking, with no recovery work, would you expect much if any, change in him?

As for his writing you about him wanting recovery for himself this time, I think you'd be wise to have your doubts about that, because he has shown what his promises were worth in the past.

From past experience, all the vows made by my suffering XAH and ABF, swearing they would do everything and anything to get and stay sober, whether for me, kids, us, or themselves, with promises to go to AA, counselling etc, turned to zilch when whatever scared them went away.

Use this time you have apart to really work your own recovery program, to get back your own identity and decide what you want for YOU, in your life from now on.
You have tried sorting out your marriage before and as you posted:

"He promised that he would quit drinking, we got a new place together and he was truly sober for 7 months. I was so excited at the prospect of starting over! Meeting some new couple friends (non-drinkers), doing all the things I'd been wanting to do, etc. I was on cloud 9! The problem was he was cranky, irritable, always complaining about 'being bored.' I would suggest literally hundreds of things we could go out and do together but there was always an excuse or why he didn't want to do that. I got bummed out and I guess I just quit trying, our relationship fell back in to the same old patterns and then about a month ago, he went out one night and drank. Since then, he has said he was done drinking about 3 times but has gone out and drank about 10 times."

We are only given 1 life and there are no 2nd chances to relive or change any of the past, so it is up to us to live as best we can. You sure deserve a better one.

God bless

Learn2Live

ToughChoices said:

I recognize how I used to do these things too. Some call it "Magical Thinking." I used to be a magician too, dontcha' know? LOL

It also reminds me of what the addict does too. They ALSO have magical thinking. Sometimes the way you get involved with them in the first place is that THEY think that YOU can actually help them. They think this person loves me so much, or I love this person so much, that it will work! They can even make you, in their mind, their Higher Power. Yes, they are manipulating you by promising you they'll get clean, but they are manipulating themselves too.

When I found out the last addict who came into my life was smoking crack, I tried many, many times to get rid of him by screaming, yelling, throwing things, breaking things, etc. (Anger and Fear). Each time, he'd run off but soon he would be back. Until he wore me down with his promises and talk of the future (poison, I tell ya') and love and fate.

Even though emotionally I fell for it, somehow I still had some of my head about me and would be able to step back when he'd say how great we would be together, and respond, "What are you, like Super-Crackhead or something??" "What do you think I am, Super-Girlfriend?" "Like us being together is going to magically fix this?"

Yeah, even though I knew, I would get pulled into the drama, and pulled into the pain, just by associating with him--even though I thought I was safe. He made all my greatest fears come true. and when they did, I would be so overwhelmed with pain and emotion, that I would go running back to him in order to extinguish it. Good Lord, what we do to ourselves...

rae33

Wow, I wake up to all this terrific support and advice! I cant begin to explain how much this means to me. All of you are so wise and so right. Pelican, you are right that before this happened (arrest) I WAS making baby steps for ME. Even the 1st week after, I was still trying to stay strong and not get sucked in. I hate to admit this but one of our only phone calls was when he'd been in about a week, and his mom had just come to visit. Apparently she would barely even look at him and the reality of the situation was really sinking in for him. I had actually been looking forward to the call but when it came, he unleashed all his anger and frustration out at me! It shocked me but I see now that it was his way of manipulating me because that is when I kicked into "loving wife, cheerleader, support HIM at any cost" mode... how can I be so stupid after all this time!!?? I knew I was getting sucked in and I knew that I was potentially repeating past mistakes BUT I also felt like this is what a good wife does, marriage vows/sickness & health kind of thing... This feels like I am the addict here! Addicted to his lies, the promise of happiness that never comes, etc. I really dont think the xgf is a threat, she has her own life and just kind of happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and then felt guilty/ responsible somehow. (he has a way of doing that). I believe in my heart that there is nothing going on (ooh, what a prize... he looks so hot in that orange prison jumpsuit- ha!) but my issue isn't with HER, it is with AH and the fact that he does make decisions based on what he wants and what is easiest for him, NOT based on what is right!
Today, I am back to focusing on ME. I am going to go no contact with him for at least a couple of weeks. It will be hard but I still need to focus on ME! that hasn't changed just because he is locked up. In so many ways, I feel like HP was taking care of me (& him) by putting him in this position where he has to face the past and resolve this unfinished business from 12 years ago (how does one DO that- just ignore something like that for 12 years, run away?). I am receiving everything that I had been asking for-- TIME to take care of myself with the financial support not pulled out from under me and without his drama and crisis constantly stalking me. So, for that I am thankful! I am also thankful for all of you!
My only regret (slight) is that yesterday in my 1 paragraph note to him that basically said enjoy your visits with xgf and I wont be contacting you for awhile... I finished the paragraph with sarcastic BS, not very mature. quote: " Think I'll go out and start looking for someone new to hang with, no old boyfriends here, maybe I'll have to go meet someone. I am lonely too." GEEZ I wish I hadn't written that! Even if I meant it (believe me, I am NOT looking for another man right now, just looking for myself!) it is still so stupid and immature, especially as the last thing I am going to say to him in a while... oh well.. cant be changed now! I have been trying to work on this (my new mantra is Think, Re-think, React ) but I definitely didnt succeed there. Oh well... work in progress here!

Learn2Live

Hey Rae, just want to say, GREAT POST! So, thank you. I learned a lot reading your posts and everyone's responses. I'm glad to read your last one cause it sounds like you are a lot further along in your Recovery than I first thought. That makes me happy.

Just want to add, isn't it GREAT when you get a reprieve from those addicted people who bring all the drama and confusion into your life? I LOVE how clean my house is now!

naive

hi rae-

we have a saying here "say what you mean, but don't say it mean"

that's helped me many a time when i wanted to do what you did...play the same game essentially. however, we are gathered here to get healthy, not get even!

as for the x girlfriend, i feel you are rationalizing a bit here saying "she's was just in the wrong place at the wrong time" because if i remember correctly, you said he/she were in contact prior to his trip.

rae33

Learn2Live- yes! My house is VERY clean right now lol!
Naive, I do hear what you are saying but this was a trip back 'home' after 12 years and he was contacting just about everyone he ever knew through facebook. Also, when they were 'hanging out' it was with a group of friends- not just them alone like on a date or something. This has been confirmed by others. I could be wrong, but my gut just tells me there is nothing going on except him lying about the meeting in the first place and now trying to get her to come back out to the jail. In the state he is in physically and mentally, he's not such a catch- even tho he used to be SO HANDSOME. He is a very talented musician, too. But now, when I see him I just see a sick, skinny, weak ALCOHOLIC.

BUT GET THIS! I just talked to the attorney, the preliminary hearing or whatever was held this morning. Supposedly the prosecution cant 'find' the file on him b/c its so old, I guess! Our attorney says that they pushed it back and now have until Sept 11 to find the file and proceed with the case. I had already mentioned that it was a weak case to begin with... so even if they DO find it, the prosecution is stating that they are going to go very lenient, not trying to throw the book at him or anything b/c I guess they know, too that it is a weak case against him. BUT- now there is a chance that he could be released on Sept 11 if they dont find the file! I was just getting used to the idea of a couple of months to get my head on straight.... AARRGGHH!

Cowgirl1265

Rae, when you wrote:

"This feels like I am the addict here! Addicted to his lies, the promise of happiness that never comes, etc. "

I found myself nodding my head.

That *is* the sickness of codependency. We get addicted to the roller coaster, maybe because somehow we believe that good feelings don't feel quite as good unless they are preceded by horrible feelings. What a gem of an observation, tucked right there in the middle of your post.

I cannot say much more than what everyone else has already posted. There is a lot of wisdom on this forum.

laurie6781

Just remember, it does not matter when he is released ................................... you don't have to let him back into your home right away.

His ACTIONS not is words!

Love and hugs,

rae33

Thank You, Anvilhead. That is just what I needed to hear, something so simple yet SO profound. I am taking that to heart TODAY.

Thanx again to all for the support!

ElegantlyWasted

I know it is easier said than done, but don't enable. Summon the strength to take care of YOURSELF and that will ultimately be better for him. EX-GF??? Smart people do stupid things and want to love unconditionally. You are smart and you should be hurt because you care. I would be pissed and would attempt to rationalize, just like you. Hopefully someone would talk some sense into me or I would have the clarity to figure it out on my own. Talk to someone in person. My experience has been that we fall into mal-adaptive behavior patterns that become automatic responses. Break the cycle. Your doing great by posting here. Be strong and dial it in.