queenie88

To summarize…

I moved to be with xabf not knowing the extent of his problems with alcohol/weed. I freaked out and exhibited some crazy codie behavior. Xabf kicked me out of his house, strung me along by saying he loved me and wanted to work through our problems, and then dumped me two days before he was out of the country for work.

Well, now he’s back. After two and a half months. He called me last night. I didn’t answer. No voicemail.

I’m feeling really anxious and nervous right now. Sick to my stomach. I hate that this is affecting me, but I guess in actuality it hasn’t been that long. I’m afraid that if I talk to him, I’ll just fall apart. He’ll throw everything back in my face, bring up everything that I did wrong, and I’ll be destroyed all over again.

I know I’m not strong enough right now, but I want to know what he wants. I want to talk to him. But I’m afraid.

Has anybody been through this before? I don’t want to get sucked back in to the emotional rollercoaster but I need to know what he wants. Part of me is afraid he’s just calling to be a jerk to me. I’m really confused and conflicted.

bookwyrm

Do you really 'need' to know what he wants? Why? What are the possibilities? What would you want from talking to him - some sort of validation or closure? Do you want him to beg you to come back? What would you get out of it that you think you need to talk to him?

You already know how you feel about talking to him and the likely consequences of it. My advice? Steer clear. :codiepolice Who needs the additional pain?

Crazy4Him

We have all been through this. If addiction is anything it is a push you pull me game to which there is no end in sight. If you GOD FORBID give in and answer the phone when he calls he will will treat you like a queen for a while only to tear you down all over again, because he is an active alcoholic. It will be nothing but more of the same, except a little worse every time.

My ex did this all the time. It's childish games.

He's calling because he wants to continue the cycle of using you, abusing you and doing what addicts do. Are you going to let him? Or do you deserve better?

Still Waters

The very thought of contact with my AH makes me stick to my stomach.

What do you want to talk to him about queenie?

brundle

It's all part of being in relationship with an addict you become so entangled with them. Stay away unless you want to be pulled back in. Whatever he wants you can be sure you'll get more of what you've already had or worse.

Your free. Don't let yourself be drawn back into that dark web of lies that addiction spins. And yes; just talking or texting or e-mailing can get you there.

Remember it may be hard to be alone but you have freedom, happiness, peace, a bright future, ect...

Think of all the things you had with him...

Learn2Live

Yes. Probably all of us. After two and a half months I'm quite sure you know what you have recovered from. And you know how having that person in your life affects you, your mental health, and your stomach (your physical health). It will crush your spirit all over again. I've just been through the same thing with a severely addicted person who posed as my boyfriend/friend for 2 years. It "dumped me" 6 months months ago but I talked to that person several times since then. I had to jump back into it time and again to feel the pain over and over until I learned my lesson. Talk to that person or not, you will know when the time comes for you to cut it off completely and move on permanently. If never being with that person again causes you too much anxiety, stop thinking about it. Just get through one day at a time. Make your decision each day when you wake up whether or not you want that person in your life today. Remind yourself all day if you have to.

One day you will look back on all this (after you've left it completely) and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

CNMC2C

I agree 100%. My A XBF was texting, e-mailing, and calling me back in January saying that he wanted to give me some of the things that I left behind when I moved out. He sounded so sincere and nice in his voice-mails and was very articulate in his texts and e-mails.....about how he just wanted to make sure that I got my stuff back. I did break down eventually and text him telling him to just ship the items to me. I never heard from him again.....and never got the stuff that he wanted so badly to return to me back. He was just casting out fishing lines to see which of his enablers/former enablers would bite the line to save him from the current crisis of his own making. If you value your sanity you will steer clear of your A XBF, no matter how much it hurts. It's all just a bunch of mind games and crazy making.

bluejay6

One thing for certain is he is NOT a recovering addict with many months of clean time and Step work under his belt, contacting you to make amends (9th Step for an addict).

I would do whatever necessary to have no contact until that day arrives.

Bluejay

queenie88

thanks for the comments everyone. i guess what i'm really looking for from xabf is some kind of validation, showing respect for our relationship and what we had, respect for me. some recognition of his wrongdoings. an apology, if he is even capable of such a thing. i'll just go ahead and say it - closure of some kind.

what i'm wondering is, doesn't he have enough enablers in his life to fall back on? what, in his mind, am i going to provide him with? we're thousands of miles away. there's no chance of us running into each other. why me, and why now?

tjp613

He just wants to jerk your chain and see what he can manipulate out of you this time! I doubt he's interested in 'closure' -- that's not a guy thing. If he tells you all the stuff you want to hear it's probably just because he wants SOMETHING. Do NOT get sucked into that vortex!!!

NO CONTACT -- It's the only game in town, girlfriend.

tjp613

This helped me a lot when I was trying to untangle myself from my addict many moons ago:

Life in 6 Chapters

I walk down the street...
there is a hole in the street.
I fall into the hole... but I do not know I am in it.
Finally I see the hole and try to get out.
It takes a long time to get out of the hole.

I walk down the same street..
the hole is still there... I see the hole.
I fall into the hole again.... but I recognize where I am,
and I want to be out of the hole.
It still takes a long time to get out of the hole.

I walk down the same street...
the hole is still there... I see the hole and
still fall into the hole again... it has become familiar..
But I have learned how to get out of the hole and..
Get out of the hole much quicker.

I walk down the same street...
the hole is always going to be there in this street.
I see the hole..... and recognize it.. and think fondly of it..
but I think I don't want to be in the hole again.
But I walk directly toward the hole and fall in again.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street...
the hole hasn't moved... I like the looks of the hole
Yet I remember I don't want to be in the hole...
I remember the feelings in the hole.. I veer away...
I walk around the hole and continue on my way.

I go for a walk.... I walk down a different street.

-- Unknown

I've posted this more than once around here..... I think I'll go post it as a thread! It's too good not to share.

bookwyrm

How likely is this? Has he totally changed from the person who dumped you and ran off? Has he somehow become a responsible individual in the short space of time he's been gone?

Most of us here don't get that type of closure. Every contact with my STBXAH hurts like hell because he is incapable of looking beyond himself. What would you do with an apology from him if you got one? Would you believe it? Would it change your life? Would it change what happened? What difference do you think it would make? Examining my motives leads me to a greater understanding of myself -something this forum has taught me. You don't really need his external validation. What you need comes from YOU!

Look back to your original post. You know what he will say before you even contact him! In my experience, trying to achieve closure from an active alcoholic is a bit like this:

Save yourself the pain - you don't need it!

Learn2Live

You cannot get this from him. He will NEVER validate your feelings. He is not capable of doing so. I know exactly how you feel; I have been through it many times with many addicts/alcoholics. It is "normal" as a human who has been trying to be in a "normal" relationship to want validation of their feelings, and to want someone to help them make sense of what happened. In order to get this, you must share your feelings with your friends and family (or a therapist or other type of counselor) and get validation from them.

This would be "normal" human interaction and, like the behavior he has exhibited in the past, he will never do this. You must get the feeling that someone respects you from, again, healthy family and friends.

Never gonna' happen. Even if he got clean today, it will take years, if ever, to do so. My Xfiance who was in recovery, clean for 5 years, still acted out horribly towards me, and even after he had the opportunity when I saw him again after another 10 years, he could still not understand or see what he had done "wrong." He could not apologize for something he did not recognize he did "to me."

I did get closure from the last crackhead alcoholic in my life, by talking to him again and hearing all the foul and disgusting things that he has done. A lightbulb I always knew was ON, finally blinked in in my head, and I realized just HOW SICK these people are. You think the real him is "normal" and has positive attributes he could build on, but he is not. The things these people do are sick.

There may be nothing logical you or anyone else can imagine or think of that this person wants from you. His mind does not think in a logical manner. You are wasting your time trying to figure out what he wants. Focus on what YOU want and realize you will NEVER get ANY of it from him.

If this person were to give you anything you want or need such as what you have stated above, it would be entirely a LIE, a MANIPULATION, and a HOAX. Don't fall for it.

Take care of yourself. Surround yourself with healthy, loving people.

brundle

I agree with what everyone else wrote. In simplest of terms he can't give you any of those things. If he could your relationship wouldn't be where it is now.

You are in relationship with an addict all normal rules don't apply all those things you want don't exist for them. For example how can someone show respect when your an addict you know they aren't respecting themselves. You can't give something away you don't have. Trust all of us; we've been in this forever, the only time he'll tell you what you want to hear it to get you back into the relationship so that he has his enabler again.

Don't call!!!

Jadmack25

Quote:
Originally Posted by queenie88 View Post
((what i'm really looking for from xabf is some kind of validation, showing respect for our relationship and what we had, respect for me. some recognition of his wrongdoings. an apology, if he is even capable of such a thing. i'll just go ahead and say it - closure of some kind.))

He never gave you validation when you were together, and his behavior showed he had NO respect for the relationship. He refused to acknowledge any wrongdoings by him, but kicked you out when you upset his applecart.

Didn't he "string you along by saying he loved you and wanted to work through your problems, and then dumped you"?

You have worked thru 2 and a half months with him out of contact and now he's back and calls you.

Like the others here, I will bet he aint calling with anything good for you. I would hazzard a guess and say that things did not work out, he is back and needs help and you fit the bill.

You need NOTHING from this loser. He has NOTHING worth giving you.
Respect and validation from him? What for? You don't need his words, he showed what he thought of you and the relationship by his actions.

Keep him out of your life and give yourself respect for being a woman who loves, honours and respects herself and does not need anyone else, least of all him, to make it so.

God bless

TakingCharge999

Hi queenie...

IF its any help.. I don't care if he is back or not I just hope queenie, reloaded is back soon!

I know when I was there, I ignored everyone's advice and went to talk to him.

Yup, more of the same...

Telling me about 'my bad things' (exactly the ones where I was no longer a doormat or expresses sadness or anger go figure)... he said "he was not feeling that well about what happened" and apologized... emptiest words, I have never heard.

He kept gazing to the sky and smoking... he seldom LOOKED AT ME... which is true in other levels... he can't look at ME.. or anyone.. because he can't look at HIMSELF.

In fact by now I know he was just saying the words to get me off his back.. like feeding me the words he thought I needed to hear as if I could not tell a sincere apology from a fake one. LOL.

He also said he was planning to drink until the very last day of his life, that he was still the same drunkard, that he had "changed" and did not give a damn about me or what I did... 2 months before I was his sunshine :rotfxko

Bottomline if you can change your mobile # or phone line, it will give you much sanity so you stop wondering if its him or whatever... remember all he did... he is the same guy, a master manipulator... your sanity is not up to him or his need for sex or distraction or more lies and you are SO LUCKYYYY to be in a different town and be able to cut all the ties for good and never see his face again!!!!! perhaps this stings now because you need to realize its over... but after you reach the acceptance stage... it will be such a great relief...

Hope you are not foolish like I was, not hearing what all these wise people are saying... take everyone's advice! we don't want to see you more hurt.


PS
For the poster about closure not being a guy's thing, I respectfully disagree!

I have parted ways with other ex's and we talked at length and we apologized whole heartedly for stuff that hurt the other and have been able to part in peace and cherishing the good memories... but it takes 2 healthy people I agree...

Learn2Live

I found with the addicts and alcoholics in my life that they often look for the "minimum requirements" or the "rules" that they perceive exists in a relationship and then, do that. They also will pay close attention to your wants, desires, fears, etc., and then play off of them; sometimes meeting your wants, sometimes meeting your fears. All to get you to react the way they need you to react.

It's not much of a relationship, regardless of what they are doing.

tjp613

LOL....well I suppose that proves the point that I have NEVER been in a healthy relationship! How pitiful.

swert

I don't know but for me just kicking me out of the house would be enough to never look back.

CatsPajamas

At one point in my life, I came to this same realization. I actually went out and bought a book called "Idiots Guide to Healthy Relationships." And I read it. (please don't take offense to the title .... if you aren't familiar with Idiots Guides and the For Dummies series. They are really helpful books on topics I am not familiar with.)

I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but I had to agree with this statement. And I agree with the others.... a relationship with an addict is not the same as a relationship with a rational and healthy individual, and you won't get validation, closure, honesty, trust or anything else in a relationship with an addict. It's just not a part of those relationships. That was one of my most difficult lessons in acceptance.

For a long time I carried a copy of one of our stickies entitled What Addicts Do. It was a constant reminder that I had unrealistic expectations when it came to my A.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html