nervous and anxious. he's back.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Do the other questions even matter is you know you are not strong enough to talk to him right now? Might you consider protecting yourself and setting a boundary that if you know you are not strong enough to talk to him you just can't and don't?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
xabf has made contact of some form for the past three days. i haven't responded to any of his forms of communication, but i really wonder how long this is going to go on. i think i've got a pretty good foundation, although i'm sure i'm not as strong as i should be - i've read a lot about alcoholism and addiction, and i've recognized codependent behavior within myself. i've imagined how i would respond in certain situations, if we did finally talk. most scenarios involve me establishing emotional boundaries, remaining detached yet hearing him out.
thanks for all the support and advice everyone. it's really difficult right now to stay away from him. but i know that if we do talk it will just inevitably end up in heartache. but there's still that part of me that wants to reach out. is that my codie behavior taking over?? i thought of myself as a pretty rational person, but there are some things about me, this in particular, that just fly in the face of logic and reason.
thanks for all the support and advice everyone. it's really difficult right now to stay away from him. but i know that if we do talk it will just inevitably end up in heartache. but there's still that part of me that wants to reach out. is that my codie behavior taking over?? i thought of myself as a pretty rational person, but there are some things about me, this in particular, that just fly in the face of logic and reason.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
Queenie it sounds like you are not done, but I urge you to try to be. I know it's hard not to respond to his advances but I promise it is in your best interest not to.
Why do you want to hear him out? So he can lie to you and manipulate you? Because that is all he will do! He has nothing real to say, good or bad, that means ANYTHING. Please believe this. For seven months I convinced myself that my alcoholic was somehow different from all the others and not completely devoid of any emotion but I was wrong! I hate to generalize but most alcoholics play the same roles and spew the same bull**** lines. That is why it's such a revelation to come to a place like this and realize that this is what they DO. They use people for as long as they can, then when they can't they move on to the next.
You CANNOT remain detached from an alcoholic xbf (or any ex boyfriend for that matter) when you are seeing or talking to them, period! To believe that you can is denial. I've been there, I work with my ex and still am in denial sometimes. He speaks to me every once in a while and every time he does I have to fight not to respond. I catch him staring at me on a regular basis with misery in his eyes and it's all I can do not to ask him how he is, if he's still drinking, etc. It's so hard I know, but I also know that having as little contact as possible with him is what is best for ME.
Every time I want to speak to him I remind myself of how much it hurt the last time. I've thrown objects too, except most all of it was my own, in fits of anger and pain back when he was in my life. I never want to go back to that feeling. And I REALLY miss the picture frame I broke! grrr...
You just have to let him go or he will keep hurting you. Why? Because you keep letting him. Take care of yourself first. Love yourself more. You deserve more than what he is capable of giving you right now.
Why do you want to hear him out? So he can lie to you and manipulate you? Because that is all he will do! He has nothing real to say, good or bad, that means ANYTHING. Please believe this. For seven months I convinced myself that my alcoholic was somehow different from all the others and not completely devoid of any emotion but I was wrong! I hate to generalize but most alcoholics play the same roles and spew the same bull**** lines. That is why it's such a revelation to come to a place like this and realize that this is what they DO. They use people for as long as they can, then when they can't they move on to the next.
You CANNOT remain detached from an alcoholic xbf (or any ex boyfriend for that matter) when you are seeing or talking to them, period! To believe that you can is denial. I've been there, I work with my ex and still am in denial sometimes. He speaks to me every once in a while and every time he does I have to fight not to respond. I catch him staring at me on a regular basis with misery in his eyes and it's all I can do not to ask him how he is, if he's still drinking, etc. It's so hard I know, but I also know that having as little contact as possible with him is what is best for ME.
Every time I want to speak to him I remind myself of how much it hurt the last time. I've thrown objects too, except most all of it was my own, in fits of anger and pain back when he was in my life. I never want to go back to that feeling. And I REALLY miss the picture frame I broke! grrr...
You just have to let him go or he will keep hurting you. Why? Because you keep letting him. Take care of yourself first. Love yourself more. You deserve more than what he is capable of giving you right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Its really hard not to act on feelings that tell us to do something that is bad for us.
What helps me when I want to act in a way that I know will be harmful to me but my feelings are literally making me feel like my heart is going to pound its way out of my skin is to self-talk. "These are just feelings. Feelings cannot kill me. If I just sit here and breathe for five minutes the feeling will pass."
Other things might work for you, you have to find another affirmation or action (going for a walk, calling a sponsor, whatever) that works for you and use it, use it, use it.
Hugs to you -- stay strong.
What helps me when I want to act in a way that I know will be harmful to me but my feelings are literally making me feel like my heart is going to pound its way out of my skin is to self-talk. "These are just feelings. Feelings cannot kill me. If I just sit here and breathe for five minutes the feeling will pass."
Other things might work for you, you have to find another affirmation or action (going for a walk, calling a sponsor, whatever) that works for you and use it, use it, use it.
Hugs to you -- stay strong.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Queenie,
How do you know when an active alcoholic/addict is lying?
When their lips are moving.
He'll say whatever he thinks you want to hear in order to benefit HIM not you.
He isn't in recovery and working a program, he just wants to jerk you around, make himself feel better by blaming you.
Ngaire
How do you know when an active alcoholic/addict is lying?
When their lips are moving.
He'll say whatever he thinks you want to hear in order to benefit HIM not you.
He isn't in recovery and working a program, he just wants to jerk you around, make himself feel better by blaming you.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Who wants or needs to be in a relationship where you are walking on eggshells, being put under stress and feel you need to be detached from your man.
That is NOT a relationship. That is enslavement.
Cut the chains and run free. Run fast and DO NOT look back.
That is NOT a relationship. That is enslavement.
Cut the chains and run free. Run fast and DO NOT look back.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by queenie88 
but there's still that part of me that wants to reach out. is that my codie behavior taking over?? i thought of myself as a pretty rational person, but there are some things about me, this in particular, that just fly in the face of logic and reason.
(((Hugs & Strength))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
My exabf had been in strong recovery for 10 years (coke and heroin)when we fell in love. Then over a period of months he began exhibiting addict behavior. Then he disappeared. No resolution. Leaving me in pain and with a thousand questions about what happened.
I have done a lot of work in therapy on this (over the past 3 years). And for a long time, my expectation was that if he did contact me and wanted, finally, to talk (I assumed he'd be back in recovery and clearing up the past), we would have a heart to heart discussion about our time together, our time apart, how we were then, how we each have changed since, etc.
Only recently have I decided that if, in fact, he ever contacts me to talk and to make amends, I will show up only to listen and I will not reveal anything about myself at all. Nothing. Because my history with him is one of lies and betrayal from him, he is emotionally dangerous to me as a result, and I am unwilling to reveal ANYTHING about myself to him until he earned that trust back over time.
I need resolution with him, so I would show up, if he contacted me. But only to listen. And I would let him know this.
I have learned to protect my heart. Hope you can protect yours, too, Queenie, in your way.
Bluejay
I have done a lot of work in therapy on this (over the past 3 years). And for a long time, my expectation was that if he did contact me and wanted, finally, to talk (I assumed he'd be back in recovery and clearing up the past), we would have a heart to heart discussion about our time together, our time apart, how we were then, how we each have changed since, etc.
Only recently have I decided that if, in fact, he ever contacts me to talk and to make amends, I will show up only to listen and I will not reveal anything about myself at all. Nothing. Because my history with him is one of lies and betrayal from him, he is emotionally dangerous to me as a result, and I am unwilling to reveal ANYTHING about myself to him until he earned that trust back over time.
I need resolution with him, so I would show up, if he contacted me. But only to listen. And I would let him know this.
I have learned to protect my heart. Hope you can protect yours, too, Queenie, in your way.
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Queenie thank you so much for this post. I feel so pathetic. I am exactly like you. My boyfriend was so loving, protective and proud to show me off during our three years together. It boosted his ego when his friends said what did I see in him, how come they couldn't get a girl like me, etc. And I don't mean to be a bitch to this woman but I have never been married and have no children. (I look after myself, have a good job and go to the gym. These were traits he always said he loved me for, and had I had a complicated background, not looked after myself, etc, he wouldn't want anything to do with me.
So it hurt like hell when he left me at the end of May for an overweight, divorced mother of four young children. Since then we have had minimal contact. He would initiate contact in the first three weeks after we split, and we were very friendly (despite it being an angry break up). Then nothing. I tried one text asking if he was still coming to a concert with me. Nothing. That was on July 1st. On July 31st he sent me a menacing text telling me to take my pictures of him off fb and to leave his friends alone. (My profile is closed and he isn't a friend so someone has told him!) I replied with a polite but curt answer to put him in his place that all the friends I had been in contact with had actually come to me first - every one of them! Last weekend his landlord told him he needed to come up with rent and bill money by Monday else he was out. I knew this wouldn't bother the ex as he has been living with rebound woman. Then on Saturday rebound woman updated at 3am to a fellow fb-er 'Thanks chick x'. This suggested to my friends and I they'd had a girly heart to heart about something. The next night my ex stayed at his house on his own (NEVER HEARD OF ON A SATURDAY NIGHT! Plus he'd not stopped there for a month at all!) On the Sunday the landlord saw him and said he was in a really foul mood - though he was OK with the landlord. On the Monday my ex had £10 from the social paid into our joint account (which is empty!) So things are definitely not right. And now, if it doesn't work out with rebound (which I can't see if they're rowing six weeks into the relationship) then he is homeless. He has been homeless before - street homeless! He has been to prison! Nothing has stopped him drinking. I had been paying towards his rent but decided to pull the payments last month as I thought I could be enabling his relationship if I give him somewhere to hide if things go wrong. My point here is even after everything he has done to me, I still want to hear from him. Just to feel validated. To know he feels I am a league above her. It's stupid, and believe me I really am trying to work on myself (but it's a slow and steady process) but I just want to hear him say he's made a big mistake - that I was special to him and did mean something to him. And although I think everyone on this website is wonderful (and I've said it many a time in my posts) no matter of 'Why do you need to feel validated by this guy,' etc, etc will make an ounce of difference to me. I even ask myself why. I don't know! I just do!
Sorry to drone on but this week has been hard. I even sent my ex a text yesterday (feeling guilty about contributing towards him now being homeless even though in effect he really has brought everything on himself!) saying goodbye and 'be happy'.
Now I'm hoping no contact will urge him to pick up the phone :-(
So it hurt like hell when he left me at the end of May for an overweight, divorced mother of four young children. Since then we have had minimal contact. He would initiate contact in the first three weeks after we split, and we were very friendly (despite it being an angry break up). Then nothing. I tried one text asking if he was still coming to a concert with me. Nothing. That was on July 1st. On July 31st he sent me a menacing text telling me to take my pictures of him off fb and to leave his friends alone. (My profile is closed and he isn't a friend so someone has told him!) I replied with a polite but curt answer to put him in his place that all the friends I had been in contact with had actually come to me first - every one of them! Last weekend his landlord told him he needed to come up with rent and bill money by Monday else he was out. I knew this wouldn't bother the ex as he has been living with rebound woman. Then on Saturday rebound woman updated at 3am to a fellow fb-er 'Thanks chick x'. This suggested to my friends and I they'd had a girly heart to heart about something. The next night my ex stayed at his house on his own (NEVER HEARD OF ON A SATURDAY NIGHT! Plus he'd not stopped there for a month at all!) On the Sunday the landlord saw him and said he was in a really foul mood - though he was OK with the landlord. On the Monday my ex had £10 from the social paid into our joint account (which is empty!) So things are definitely not right. And now, if it doesn't work out with rebound (which I can't see if they're rowing six weeks into the relationship) then he is homeless. He has been homeless before - street homeless! He has been to prison! Nothing has stopped him drinking. I had been paying towards his rent but decided to pull the payments last month as I thought I could be enabling his relationship if I give him somewhere to hide if things go wrong. My point here is even after everything he has done to me, I still want to hear from him. Just to feel validated. To know he feels I am a league above her. It's stupid, and believe me I really am trying to work on myself (but it's a slow and steady process) but I just want to hear him say he's made a big mistake - that I was special to him and did mean something to him. And although I think everyone on this website is wonderful (and I've said it many a time in my posts) no matter of 'Why do you need to feel validated by this guy,' etc, etc will make an ounce of difference to me. I even ask myself why. I don't know! I just do!
Sorry to drone on but this week has been hard. I even sent my ex a text yesterday (feeling guilty about contributing towards him now being homeless even though in effect he really has brought everything on himself!) saying goodbye and 'be happy'.
Now I'm hoping no contact will urge him to pick up the phone :-(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
so far three attempts at communication in the past three days. and i'm holding fast. and wondering what comes next. that little nagging voice is still i the back of my mind, but i realize that it's gotten a lot weaker, the knot in my stomach has begun to untie a bit. i feel like i've regained some kind of control. every day i wake up and ask myself, "do i want to invite xabf back into my life, even if it's through a brief exchange of words, even if those words are 'you owe me x amount of money for my tv' or 'i've started dating someone else.'"
i'm not looking for groveling. in fact the thought of him coming crawling back to me, groveling, just kind of makes me sick. i want something real. i want a real acknowledgement of our relationship and our problems, not a one-sided analysis, not me taking all the blame like i did before, but a mature, two-way discussion. the overwhelming consensus seems to be that i'm going looking for something that i'm never going to get, since mature and honest self-reflection isn't something that alcoholics are known for.
bluejay...thank you for your post. i really understand and appreciate everyone's opinions, especially concerning the "run away and don't look back" and "you'll never get closure" sentiment, but it's often not that simple. as i'm sure you all know. and i realize that you are me several months and years down the road, with recovery under your belt, or at least many positive steps in that direction. perhaps i just have to go down this road, because i feel like i need closure, or something from him.
this sounds smart, and rational, and healthy. protecting yourself but recognizing that you still need resolution with him. recognizing that you might never get it, but that's what you need from him.
this is how i feel right now. i don't know why i need this validation, but i just do. and i've asked myself again and again, but i end up in the same place: it's just something i feel that i need. i guess all i can do is prepare myself emotionally as best i can, and protect myself if and when i decide i'm ready to talk to him again.
Originally Posted by tjp613
Been there, queenie. Looking back to my similar situation, I think I was looking for some feeling of satisfaction in hearing him grovel. Only later did I realize that any groveling I heard was really only QUACKING.
bluejay...thank you for your post. i really understand and appreciate everyone's opinions, especially concerning the "run away and don't look back" and "you'll never get closure" sentiment, but it's often not that simple. as i'm sure you all know. and i realize that you are me several months and years down the road, with recovery under your belt, or at least many positive steps in that direction. perhaps i just have to go down this road, because i feel like i need closure, or something from him.
Originally Posted by bluejay6
Only recently have I decided that if, in fact, he ever contacts me to talk and to make amends, I will show up only to listen and I will not reveal anything about myself at all. Nothing. Because my history with him is one of lies and betrayal from him, he is emotionally dangerous to me as a result, and I am unwilling to reveal ANYTHING about myself to him until he earned that trust back over time.
I need resolution with him, so I would show up, if he contacted me. But only to listen. And I would let him know this.
I have learned to protect my heart. Hope you can protect yours, too, Queenie, in your way.
I need resolution with him, so I would show up, if he contacted me. But only to listen. And I would let him know this.
I have learned to protect my heart. Hope you can protect yours, too, Queenie, in your way.
Originally Posted by sclarke64448
And although I think everyone on this website is wonderful (and I've said it many a time in my posts) no matter of 'Why do you need to feel validated by this guy,' etc, etc will make an ounce of difference to me. I even ask myself why. I don't know! I just do!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
For example how can someone show respect when your an addict you know they aren't respecting themselves. You can't give something away you don't have.
Fantastic quote. I've been bleating on in the last 24 hours on SR about how I feel the same as Queenie - I want closure, validation, respect from my xabf. Bookwyrm has posted me about it on my thread and I've posted back saying I know Bookwyrm is right but I just want him to pick up the phone.
And then I read this quote and yet another little lightbulb comes on. My head seems to be filled with lots of little bulbs which switch on, just waiting for the big one to switch on permanently. But thanks for this, it's flickered something in my head again
Fantastic quote. I've been bleating on in the last 24 hours on SR about how I feel the same as Queenie - I want closure, validation, respect from my xabf. Bookwyrm has posted me about it on my thread and I've posted back saying I know Bookwyrm is right but I just want him to pick up the phone.
And then I read this quote and yet another little lightbulb comes on. My head seems to be filled with lots of little bulbs which switch on, just waiting for the big one to switch on permanently. But thanks for this, it's flickered something in my head again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
no contact yesterday. i wonder if he's done? is he giving up? he's not going to try any more? that wouldn't surprise me, after how he treated me and ended the relationship. he's said that before....that he's "exhausted". "i have to want to do things for you. i've done enough."
then i think back to things like that...like your lightbulb moments sclarke...and i wonder why its really worth it to hear from him anyway? i imagine that if he really had something important to say to me, he'd try to call again, at least leave a voicemail. is that hoping/expecting too much? i feel like he's doing the minimum amount required to see if he can draw me back in without really having to exert any effort. i'm torn. on the one hand i'm really curious about what he wants to say to me (if anything) and part of me still misses him and loves him...but the other part is afraid of just what he might say. just because he tried to contact me doesn't mean that things have changed, that he's had any lightbulb moments.
i don't know what to do. i'm afraid all this unknowing is just going to get the best of me and i'm going to call, he won't answer, and then i'll go through all those feelings again...of uncertainty, self-doubt, the "why isn't he talking to me?" "who is he with right now?" "why did he call me and he's not answering his phone?" "what is this game he's playing?" plus then i'll give up all the power i have. if i even have any right now. maybe that's just a distorted way of thinking.
then i think back to things like that...like your lightbulb moments sclarke...and i wonder why its really worth it to hear from him anyway? i imagine that if he really had something important to say to me, he'd try to call again, at least leave a voicemail. is that hoping/expecting too much? i feel like he's doing the minimum amount required to see if he can draw me back in without really having to exert any effort. i'm torn. on the one hand i'm really curious about what he wants to say to me (if anything) and part of me still misses him and loves him...but the other part is afraid of just what he might say. just because he tried to contact me doesn't mean that things have changed, that he's had any lightbulb moments.
i don't know what to do. i'm afraid all this unknowing is just going to get the best of me and i'm going to call, he won't answer, and then i'll go through all those feelings again...of uncertainty, self-doubt, the "why isn't he talking to me?" "who is he with right now?" "why did he call me and he's not answering his phone?" "what is this game he's playing?" plus then i'll give up all the power i have. if i even have any right now. maybe that's just a distorted way of thinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
When I'm dealing with feelings I can't control it helps me to hit my literature and my Families Anonymous red book and find some affirmations. I find something that is applicable to what I'm feeling, say it to myself, wash, rinse, repeat as necessary. I also find that praying to my HP helps. Once you can get your feelings down to manageable levels it is easier to make good decisions.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by queenie88
at least leave a voicemail. is that hoping/expecting too much? i feel like he's doing the minimum amount required to see if he can draw me back in without really having to exert any effort.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Queenie, if you keep your focus on yourself, then you will find all the validation you need there, and not from others, including him. You can give this to yourself, where you would find you'd be chasing it forever from him.
I noted a powerful thing in your last post - why would you want to 'invite' him back into your life. This is huge and exactly right. You have power over yourself and who you choose to have around you. You have power to act (or in this case, not act) in response to a toxic person. And believe me, this is a strong message to him, even if he gets it or not. It says that you deserve better than the crap he doled out and that you are holding fast to being true to yourself.
I can understand that overwhelming feeling of curiosity. Part of us, despite all the hurt and pain someone has caused, still holds a tiny hope that the person is going to say they're sorry, they love you and that this will be the beginning of the rest of your happy -go-lucky life together. Remind yourself of one of the big codie things: expectations. They can be a killer! You are projecting your fantasy expectations on this phonecall but if you step back and see things as they are, you will realize that likely none of that is the reason he is calling.
None of us will be able to prevent you from doing as you will, but as they say in AA - play the tape forward. My H does this when he has a craving for a drink; it leads to terrible things that he doesn't want to go through and that keeps him sober, for now. Play your tape forward with answering him. It may lead you right back down a road you've already been. Instead of repeating that stretch, look ahead to what's next for you.
I noted a powerful thing in your last post - why would you want to 'invite' him back into your life. This is huge and exactly right. You have power over yourself and who you choose to have around you. You have power to act (or in this case, not act) in response to a toxic person. And believe me, this is a strong message to him, even if he gets it or not. It says that you deserve better than the crap he doled out and that you are holding fast to being true to yourself.
I can understand that overwhelming feeling of curiosity. Part of us, despite all the hurt and pain someone has caused, still holds a tiny hope that the person is going to say they're sorry, they love you and that this will be the beginning of the rest of your happy -go-lucky life together. Remind yourself of one of the big codie things: expectations. They can be a killer! You are projecting your fantasy expectations on this phonecall but if you step back and see things as they are, you will realize that likely none of that is the reason he is calling.
None of us will be able to prevent you from doing as you will, but as they say in AA - play the tape forward. My H does this when he has a craving for a drink; it leads to terrible things that he doesn't want to go through and that keeps him sober, for now. Play your tape forward with answering him. It may lead you right back down a road you've already been. Instead of repeating that stretch, look ahead to what's next for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
"I'm afraid all this unknowing is just going to get the best of me."
No, it is not, queenie, you are doing well. Your honesty about your feelings and your vacillation between wanting him back and wanting him to stay away, your honesty about how much control his silence has over you....this straight-on revelation of what you are thinking and feeling is very good. Many people are reluctant to reveal what they are really thinking and feeling when an addict has them on a string, and they pretend they have it together more than they really do. Glad you are being frank, because that will be to your good. It will bring you real feedback you can use.
He does have you on a string, queenie. Silence is a masterful control technique addicts use all the time. It is emotionally and psychologically abusive and it eats away slowly at your center if you don't realize that it is a technique.
What I believe is that for the 98% of thought you are giving him (where is he, what is he doing, who is he with, when will he call), his thoughts of you are perhaps 5%.
I believe this because he is in active addiction. Every day involves the pursuit of the drug, the taking of the drug, the experience of the drug, the crash from the drug, and resuming again the cycle. He will want only to be with other addicts or people who enable his addiction in some way. It is the CENTRAL MEANING of his life. He is not interested in intimacy. He is living a very active lifestyle, it keeps him very involved. While you are watching the phone and the door, he's on a couch somewhere living in a different universe. He's not watching the phone for you.Because he is an ADDICT, queenie. You are holding your breath, waiting and waiting and waiting to hear from him,
and he's hanging in a bar laughing and getting loaded.
Silence is one of the most powerful control techniques in the world. It empowers the abuser and diminishes the victim. It is brutal. It is willful. And it works.
How can you turn things your way, queenie?
Bluejay
No, it is not, queenie, you are doing well. Your honesty about your feelings and your vacillation between wanting him back and wanting him to stay away, your honesty about how much control his silence has over you....this straight-on revelation of what you are thinking and feeling is very good. Many people are reluctant to reveal what they are really thinking and feeling when an addict has them on a string, and they pretend they have it together more than they really do. Glad you are being frank, because that will be to your good. It will bring you real feedback you can use.
He does have you on a string, queenie. Silence is a masterful control technique addicts use all the time. It is emotionally and psychologically abusive and it eats away slowly at your center if you don't realize that it is a technique.
What I believe is that for the 98% of thought you are giving him (where is he, what is he doing, who is he with, when will he call), his thoughts of you are perhaps 5%.
I believe this because he is in active addiction. Every day involves the pursuit of the drug, the taking of the drug, the experience of the drug, the crash from the drug, and resuming again the cycle. He will want only to be with other addicts or people who enable his addiction in some way. It is the CENTRAL MEANING of his life. He is not interested in intimacy. He is living a very active lifestyle, it keeps him very involved. While you are watching the phone and the door, he's on a couch somewhere living in a different universe. He's not watching the phone for you.Because he is an ADDICT, queenie. You are holding your breath, waiting and waiting and waiting to hear from him,
and he's hanging in a bar laughing and getting loaded.
Silence is one of the most powerful control techniques in the world. It empowers the abuser and diminishes the victim. It is brutal. It is willful. And it works.
How can you turn things your way, queenie?
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Wow Bluejay I hadn't seen it like that. What an eye opener your post is. I know I would have broken contact with my ex had he not have moved straight on to another woman. We were always on and off in the three years together. We never argued really and got on really well as friends and lovers but he would suddenly break up with me because he felt we were poles apart - I'm hard working, conscientious and a clean living girl. He is... well, the opposite! Yet I still was sucked in by him. Even when he broke up with me we would still hang out just the two of us as friends. The times we went no contact he always gave in before I did - I think the longest was 12 days. This time it was a nasty break up. I acted quite out of character when he told me he was leaving me for (those of you who are from GB will understand this) some Jeremy Kyle case - for those of you from outside of Britain it's a bit like Jerry Springer in terms of guests and features lower class, drinking, druggie exes who tear each other apart - one judge called it a showcase for 'Broken Britain'. She is late 20s and has four kids by at least two men and going through her second divorce. So of course I got angry, wondering what she had above me - well of course she didn't know about his addiction. Anyway after the fight he and I were in contact for two weeks - all friendly and initiated by him. Then he suddenly went no contact - on the day he was supposed to be coming over to see me - and has been silent ever since - apart from one text in which he was very menacing. I never thought of it as a controlling / power tool but that's exactly what it is, isn't it? Pathetic - if he wanted to walk away why not just walk away, why be so nasty when we had been friends even after the fight. I will never understand the mind of an addict. Those of you who read my posts will know I am awaiting his phone call. But then the more I post little stories like this the more I remind myself how he will need me long before I will need him!
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Run. Be strong. You deserve to be treated as an equal by a human being. Guilt trips are not constructive. We all make mistakes, but how we deal with them is what matters. I try to learn from them, but not dwell on them, nor let anyone guilt trip me into doing something I don't want to do to "make up for it". A support group may help... any AL-ANON people out there? When I was using, I did not consciously try to hurt people, but I did. Nearly ever action, word or thought had the single purpose of enabling myself to continue abusing Alcohol. Know what your dealing with and take care of yourself. Just my two cents.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
