Going downhill quickly..
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Location: OHIO
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Ahhhh Brandisue.....my heart is breaking for you sweetie....
I have watched 3 loved ones do themselves in with alcohol....my mother, my best friend from high school...and sadly my XAH. (The XAH is still alive but who knows his condition)
The one that hit me the most was my best friend from high school....I watched her go from a very beautiful sweet girl of 16 to the most haggard looking woman when she died at the age of 32. She left 5 kids motherless and a sixth baby died from alcohol withdrawal at 3 days old.
Like your boyfriend she told the most wild and weird stories while in the hospital. She kept talking about all the fun we had in high school and wanted to know what we were going to do on Friday nite after school...!!! She had lost her mind completely. I don't think she even remembered that she was a mother of 5. When she lost her 6th child I truly thought that she would hit her bottom....but no....instead she drank even more until the end was inevitable. I watched her through the years and begged and pleaded and went with her father to drag her out of nasty dirty dumps, crack houses, all kinds of places where a mother of 5 had no business being....and sadly her father nearly lost his mind and definitely his heart and finally could watch no more and withdrew from his daughter completely .... and in the end I was all who was left. Her kids had been taken from her by family members.
I gave the speech at her eulogy and it tore me up. She was buried in her favorite outfit. The orange one that I gave her for her birthday. I still cry when I think of my friend and that was 30 years ago today.
Take care and know one thing.....its NOT your fault....okay??
Janitw
I have watched 3 loved ones do themselves in with alcohol....my mother, my best friend from high school...and sadly my XAH. (The XAH is still alive but who knows his condition)
The one that hit me the most was my best friend from high school....I watched her go from a very beautiful sweet girl of 16 to the most haggard looking woman when she died at the age of 32. She left 5 kids motherless and a sixth baby died from alcohol withdrawal at 3 days old.
Like your boyfriend she told the most wild and weird stories while in the hospital. She kept talking about all the fun we had in high school and wanted to know what we were going to do on Friday nite after school...!!! She had lost her mind completely. I don't think she even remembered that she was a mother of 5. When she lost her 6th child I truly thought that she would hit her bottom....but no....instead she drank even more until the end was inevitable. I watched her through the years and begged and pleaded and went with her father to drag her out of nasty dirty dumps, crack houses, all kinds of places where a mother of 5 had no business being....and sadly her father nearly lost his mind and definitely his heart and finally could watch no more and withdrew from his daughter completely .... and in the end I was all who was left. Her kids had been taken from her by family members.
I gave the speech at her eulogy and it tore me up. She was buried in her favorite outfit. The orange one that I gave her for her birthday. I still cry when I think of my friend and that was 30 years ago today.
Take care and know one thing.....its NOT your fault....okay??
Janitw
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Join Date: May 2008
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Posts: 85
Hitting me hard tonight. I finally called his very best friend who lives about 800 miles away. I knew he would want to know. The even sadder thing is that his friend's young wife is dying (cancer). I had to let him know though. He said he knew something was up when he wasn't answering his cell. He's distraught being so far away and not able to do anything.
I guess he called another one of my XABF's friends who lives a state away. He'd seen him recently and told me that he figured that would be the last time he saw him alive. They'd attended a concert together while I was traveling for work. He was very direct with me and tried to make me understand that this wasn't good. He said he'd had two family members die from liver disease (not alcohol induced) and that he knew the signs when he saw them.
I cannot quit crying. I thought I was ok and thought I had things under control when I had him leave last month. I was being so strong and knew I was doing what I had to do for me and to make my life normal again. I still believe this to be true but.....
So why do I find myself digging through my closet to find one shirt that might still have his smell on it. I feel like a crazed fool. It's like in my mind, he's dead already.
So I call him and pray he answers. He did. He could barely speak to me but I guess I just needed to hear his voice. He told me to not worry - that he was ok. That was about it.
I have a very good friend who is a well known figure in our city. He knows my BF quite well. He keeps hammering on me that he did this to himself. (I know this) That he is a selfish man (I know this) and that I need to move on (thought I had). His father died of liver failure (non alcoholic) and he inherited the disease. So I can certainly understand why he's saying this.
I'm just sad tonight because I feel the handwriting on the wall. I guess I can't believe it. It wasn't that long ago that we were on the beaches enjoying a 4 day weekend. Yeah he was drinking on and off but he seemed ok and we had a great time.
I am sad and rambling so will end this. Thanks for listening. I guess I feel better and not so lonely when I can write it all out.
I KNOW I will be ok. I just need to get through this somehow.
I guess he called another one of my XABF's friends who lives a state away. He'd seen him recently and told me that he figured that would be the last time he saw him alive. They'd attended a concert together while I was traveling for work. He was very direct with me and tried to make me understand that this wasn't good. He said he'd had two family members die from liver disease (not alcohol induced) and that he knew the signs when he saw them.
I cannot quit crying. I thought I was ok and thought I had things under control when I had him leave last month. I was being so strong and knew I was doing what I had to do for me and to make my life normal again. I still believe this to be true but.....
So why do I find myself digging through my closet to find one shirt that might still have his smell on it. I feel like a crazed fool. It's like in my mind, he's dead already.
So I call him and pray he answers. He did. He could barely speak to me but I guess I just needed to hear his voice. He told me to not worry - that he was ok. That was about it.
I have a very good friend who is a well known figure in our city. He knows my BF quite well. He keeps hammering on me that he did this to himself. (I know this) That he is a selfish man (I know this) and that I need to move on (thought I had). His father died of liver failure (non alcoholic) and he inherited the disease. So I can certainly understand why he's saying this.
I'm just sad tonight because I feel the handwriting on the wall. I guess I can't believe it. It wasn't that long ago that we were on the beaches enjoying a 4 day weekend. Yeah he was drinking on and off but he seemed ok and we had a great time.
I am sad and rambling so will end this. Thanks for listening. I guess I feel better and not so lonely when I can write it all out.
I KNOW I will be ok. I just need to get through this somehow.
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Join Date: May 2008
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This is the first day that I didn't go see him. I had a really long day at work and didn't get home until late. I've had a two day migraine. Gee wonder why?
I did go see him yesterday. I woke him up and made him talk to me. He really did try to keep his eyes open. I don't know if the meds are making him like this or if he's just THAT sick. He kind of goes in and out with weird stories. His best friend told me he'd been talking to him like they were still back in college.
Anyway, he did tell me his back was hurting so I rubbed it and could tell it made him feel better. Then he rolled over on his back and I almost gasped. His stomach was so distended. I ran my fingers over it. He said that it wasn't as big as it had been.
I can't understand why they didn't try to drain some of that when he was hospitalized!
He's still very yellow and very ill. He did manage to get up and walk outside to his front porch with me. It took forever and he had to stop and rest a lot but he made it. We sat outside for a while and tried to talk, but it seems to take all of his energy. Then I helped him back in. He made it as far as the couch and collapsed. We talked a little more and I left.
Today I called to talk to his mom. She said the Dr told her today that they were going to keep him on the same meds and add an anti depressant. He also told her she needed to try and get him on a schedule. In other words, when it's night he needs to sleep, when it's daylight stay up. Huh?!?! I don't know WTH is going on, but sometimes I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.
I've tried calling him a few times tonight but no answer. I'm sure he's asleep. She did tell me though that he asked for a Wendy's hamburger. He has had nothing to eat but ENSURE the past few weeks. She said he ate the entire thing. That's a good thing I guess. He needs to get his energy back but I'm still not sure just what is going on. I think he's dying, then he eats a whole hamburger. <head spinning>
But I'm still going about my own life. I have my friends. Went out to dinner with them last night and laughed a little. I have a great job that keeps me busy meeting all sorts of great people every day. Sometimes I feel like I lead two lives.
I miss him and I don't know what is going on with him. Is he going to die? Is he going to live? If he lives, will he keep drinking? I wish I could just shut my brain off and pretend our relationship never existed but I can't.
I'll probably go by tomorrow and see how he is then. His mom told me yesterday that when I was there, it was the first time he'd ever walked that far.
I'm sure his 70 year old parents are overwhelmed right now. They work so hard and have to deal with this. I know I should probably just try and remove myself from all of this but i just can't do it. But I still feel I did the right thing when I asked him to leave even though he's gone downhill ever since.
Thanks for asking. I wish I knew how to write briefly!!!
I did go see him yesterday. I woke him up and made him talk to me. He really did try to keep his eyes open. I don't know if the meds are making him like this or if he's just THAT sick. He kind of goes in and out with weird stories. His best friend told me he'd been talking to him like they were still back in college.
Anyway, he did tell me his back was hurting so I rubbed it and could tell it made him feel better. Then he rolled over on his back and I almost gasped. His stomach was so distended. I ran my fingers over it. He said that it wasn't as big as it had been.
I can't understand why they didn't try to drain some of that when he was hospitalized!He's still very yellow and very ill. He did manage to get up and walk outside to his front porch with me. It took forever and he had to stop and rest a lot but he made it. We sat outside for a while and tried to talk, but it seems to take all of his energy. Then I helped him back in. He made it as far as the couch and collapsed. We talked a little more and I left.
Today I called to talk to his mom. She said the Dr told her today that they were going to keep him on the same meds and add an anti depressant. He also told her she needed to try and get him on a schedule. In other words, when it's night he needs to sleep, when it's daylight stay up. Huh?!?! I don't know WTH is going on, but sometimes I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.
I've tried calling him a few times tonight but no answer. I'm sure he's asleep. She did tell me though that he asked for a Wendy's hamburger. He has had nothing to eat but ENSURE the past few weeks. She said he ate the entire thing. That's a good thing I guess. He needs to get his energy back but I'm still not sure just what is going on. I think he's dying, then he eats a whole hamburger. <head spinning>
But I'm still going about my own life. I have my friends. Went out to dinner with them last night and laughed a little. I have a great job that keeps me busy meeting all sorts of great people every day. Sometimes I feel like I lead two lives.
I miss him and I don't know what is going on with him. Is he going to die? Is he going to live? If he lives, will he keep drinking? I wish I could just shut my brain off and pretend our relationship never existed but I can't.
I'll probably go by tomorrow and see how he is then. His mom told me yesterday that when I was there, it was the first time he'd ever walked that far.
I'm sure his 70 year old parents are overwhelmed right now. They work so hard and have to deal with this. I know I should probably just try and remove myself from all of this but i just can't do it. But I still feel I did the right thing when I asked him to leave even though he's gone downhill ever since.
Thanks for asking. I wish I knew how to write briefly!!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
BrandiSue
We are all playing a game, and its called Consequences. You need to remember none of this was your fault, ok? and you leaving or not leaving could not have had any impact at all. This was going to happen regardless of what others did.
Because it is all the product of his choices. He is not a helpless victim. Day after day and night after night he abused his body. And he knew it. Any given second in all those years he could have gone to AA. He did not. Now he could not expect to be healthy if he did not take healthy choices before..
I really do hope this is his bottom, he starts getting better and he starts taking charge of his life without addictions. The human body has extraordinary powers of recovery even under constant strain. So, I have faith. But its not our call. I am sorry you are witnessing this. :sorry
If you believe in anything greater than yourself, can you find comfort entrusting him to this power?
I cried all while reading your thread. You are very strong. Sometimes we can meet one person for months only, and it does not matter, it does not mean we love someone less than people we have known over years or decades.
Sometimes it goes beyond the relationship we call romance. Sometimes it is just caring for another human and hurting when you see them suffer. Regardless of whatever happened in the past.
It is knowing in your heart if the status quo continues tragedy will ensue. And a reminder that you are powerless.
I imagined if the same happened to the alcoholic that was in my life. I heard him talking about two bottles he drank. He said he doesn't know how he could drink them by himself. As if it was something to be proud of. And the 'friends' saying "WOW!!".
Then I read this. I just want to slap them all.
I know your ex bf was like that once, thinking he was greater than life, indestructible.
I hear you, wishing the relation never existed. I hear you in the leading two lives.
Keep putting one foot infront of the other. The Grief Club by Melody Beattie is a book full of compassion I would highly recommend. Although I know in these situations simple words cannot comfort.
Sending you virtual hugs :ghug3 Stay strong.
Sandra
We are all playing a game, and its called Consequences. You need to remember none of this was your fault, ok? and you leaving or not leaving could not have had any impact at all. This was going to happen regardless of what others did.
Because it is all the product of his choices. He is not a helpless victim. Day after day and night after night he abused his body. And he knew it. Any given second in all those years he could have gone to AA. He did not. Now he could not expect to be healthy if he did not take healthy choices before..
I really do hope this is his bottom, he starts getting better and he starts taking charge of his life without addictions. The human body has extraordinary powers of recovery even under constant strain. So, I have faith. But its not our call. I am sorry you are witnessing this. :sorry
If you believe in anything greater than yourself, can you find comfort entrusting him to this power?
I cried all while reading your thread. You are very strong. Sometimes we can meet one person for months only, and it does not matter, it does not mean we love someone less than people we have known over years or decades.
Sometimes it goes beyond the relationship we call romance. Sometimes it is just caring for another human and hurting when you see them suffer. Regardless of whatever happened in the past.
It is knowing in your heart if the status quo continues tragedy will ensue. And a reminder that you are powerless.
I imagined if the same happened to the alcoholic that was in my life. I heard him talking about two bottles he drank. He said he doesn't know how he could drink them by himself. As if it was something to be proud of. And the 'friends' saying "WOW!!".
Then I read this. I just want to slap them all.
I know your ex bf was like that once, thinking he was greater than life, indestructible.
I hear you, wishing the relation never existed. I hear you in the leading two lives.
Keep putting one foot infront of the other. The Grief Club by Melody Beattie is a book full of compassion I would highly recommend. Although I know in these situations simple words cannot comfort.
Sending you virtual hugs :ghug3 Stay strong.
Sandra
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Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
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Still following your story, Brandi. Still listening.
When you separated from him, it was because you knew you were powerless over his disease, that it was in control of him, in control of the relationship, and was taking control of you. If you had stayed with him, these facts would not have changed. He wanted to drink, and you let him go.
If he is dying, then I am glad for this time you have had with him. If his soul is re-emerging, in this time of suffering, if he has been blessed with a chance to be himself again, then I am glad for this time you have...to know him with the disease quelled.
If he lives, he may want to marry the drink again, and die in its arms, not yours.
Whatever happens, you have been changed by him, and I can read in your posts that you will bring this to a great good in your future. I can tell.
We are still here.
Bluejay
When you separated from him, it was because you knew you were powerless over his disease, that it was in control of him, in control of the relationship, and was taking control of you. If you had stayed with him, these facts would not have changed. He wanted to drink, and you let him go.
If he is dying, then I am glad for this time you have had with him. If his soul is re-emerging, in this time of suffering, if he has been blessed with a chance to be himself again, then I am glad for this time you have...to know him with the disease quelled.
If he lives, he may want to marry the drink again, and die in its arms, not yours.
Whatever happens, you have been changed by him, and I can read in your posts that you will bring this to a great good in your future. I can tell.
We are still here.
Bluejay
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Location: where the streets have no name
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The liver has a lot of reserve power and even a fraction of normal function can suffice til it reaches a critical low point. It also can recover but one must stop drinking.
Hopefully this sickness will help break his denial and get him on the road to recovery.
Hopefully this sickness will help break his denial and get him on the road to recovery.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Update:
Well it is 7 mos later. He is still alive but barely. He's been in ICU for a week. They may just discharge him to die at home. I'm not sure.
For the past 7 mos or so I've gone to see him every Sunday afternoon for an hour or so or at least tried to. I've moved on with my life yet I am still drawn to him and his family. It's like I couldn't completely let go.
Now I go up daily to see him in ICU and hold his hand for a while. He had his 39th birthday a few weeks ago. He will be leaving behind his two young sons and a loving family.
He couldn't beat it and it will kill him in the end. Tonight his kidneys were close to shutting down. Liver is pretty much gone or so said his Dr.
I'm sad. Our two years together wasn't a nightmare. He wasn't one of those nasty drunks who yelled at me or threw things or whatever. He drank and then he went to sleep. That did keep us from being able to go out with friends though and enjoy staying up late. We never once got to welcome in the New Year together because he was always passed out. We never got to see a whole movie unless we went to a matinee. Great concert tickets? Forget it. We'd have to leave halfway thru because he couldn't stay awake and would start snoring loudly.
anyway, this is my update. I don't know how many days he has left. His family was told today to call in hospice. I keep waiting on a call in the middle of the night.
Even though we broke up a while ago, I held his hand today and rubbed his forehead and prayed for strength for me and for his family and that he would finally FINALLY be healed up in heaven.
xoxo
Well it is 7 mos later. He is still alive but barely. He's been in ICU for a week. They may just discharge him to die at home. I'm not sure.
For the past 7 mos or so I've gone to see him every Sunday afternoon for an hour or so or at least tried to. I've moved on with my life yet I am still drawn to him and his family. It's like I couldn't completely let go.
Now I go up daily to see him in ICU and hold his hand for a while. He had his 39th birthday a few weeks ago. He will be leaving behind his two young sons and a loving family.
He couldn't beat it and it will kill him in the end. Tonight his kidneys were close to shutting down. Liver is pretty much gone or so said his Dr.
I'm sad. Our two years together wasn't a nightmare. He wasn't one of those nasty drunks who yelled at me or threw things or whatever. He drank and then he went to sleep. That did keep us from being able to go out with friends though and enjoy staying up late. We never once got to welcome in the New Year together because he was always passed out. We never got to see a whole movie unless we went to a matinee. Great concert tickets? Forget it. We'd have to leave halfway thru because he couldn't stay awake and would start snoring loudly.
anyway, this is my update. I don't know how many days he has left. His family was told today to call in hospice. I keep waiting on a call in the middle of the night.
Even though we broke up a while ago, I held his hand today and rubbed his forehead and prayed for strength for me and for his family and that he would finally FINALLY be healed up in heaven.
xoxo
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Brandi, have had you and your XABF, in my prayers and wondered what was happening with you.
I am so sorry this is coming to such a nasty end, and that those left behind will have to cope with the fallout......Bloody alcoholism and the misery it causes and spreads around.
I will keep you all in my prayers, and hope that his end is not a drawn out nightmare for all of you there.
By the way, I posted to this thread when your xabf was in first in hospital last August, and 3 weeks later my XAH finally died in his nursing home.
God bless
I am so sorry this is coming to such a nasty end, and that those left behind will have to cope with the fallout......Bloody alcoholism and the misery it causes and spreads around.
I will keep you all in my prayers, and hope that his end is not a drawn out nightmare for all of you there.
By the way, I posted to this thread when your xabf was in first in hospital last August, and 3 weeks later my XAH finally died in his nursing home.
God bless
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Thanks all for your thoughts and prayers. I realize I don't post often here. I do log in and read but sometimes I just don't know what to say.
I relate all the time to most everything. This disease is just the most horrific thing I've ever dealt with. The ups and downs, the love, the hate, the craziness.....sigh.
I'm just back from my hospital visit. He's had a steady stream of visitors the past few days. I took an old friend of his from work with me tonight. I warned him how he'd look but I'm not sure you can truly do that.
He told me tonight that they came in and spoke to him about DNR and all that comes with that. He said he had a lot to think about. I think it finally hit him tonight that he's dying. I wished I'd had some alone time with him to really talk. I know he needed that yet there was a roomful.
His BP just keeps dropping and kidney input is less and less. He's still thinking clearly but I'm sure that will be the next thing to go. What a waste. What a damn waste. As much as I hated him for doing this to us, it kills me---kills me to see this happen!
Just when you think you are all cried out, you find out that you aren't.
I relate all the time to most everything. This disease is just the most horrific thing I've ever dealt with. The ups and downs, the love, the hate, the craziness.....sigh.
I'm just back from my hospital visit. He's had a steady stream of visitors the past few days. I took an old friend of his from work with me tonight. I warned him how he'd look but I'm not sure you can truly do that.
He told me tonight that they came in and spoke to him about DNR and all that comes with that. He said he had a lot to think about. I think it finally hit him tonight that he's dying. I wished I'd had some alone time with him to really talk. I know he needed that yet there was a roomful.
His BP just keeps dropping and kidney input is less and less. He's still thinking clearly but I'm sure that will be the next thing to go. What a waste. What a damn waste. As much as I hated him for doing this to us, it kills me---kills me to see this happen!
Just when you think you are all cried out, you find out that you aren't.
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