BrandiSue

How does this happen so fast? I've been dating ABF for almost two years. Never even knew he had a problem with alcohol until we'd been together a while. I posted a few weeks ago that I'd finally ended things with him before I went nuts.
It was the hardest thing I'd ever done...still feel torn up about it.

So he's been living in his parent's guest house since he left about 3 weeks ago. He was very ill while living with me but continued to drink. At his family home, his mom is watching over him like a hawk. He hasn't left. Can't drive because he's so weak.

Well evidently he's been in bed 24/7 the past two weeks gradually getting weaker and weaker. He was vomiting daily, no appetite, skin and eyes turning yellow and starting to bloat badly. His father finally drove him to the hospital yesterday and he's very very sick.

How did this vibrant, smart, incredibly funny guy go from that to this so quickly? I am sitting here reeling and depressed as heck.

I went up to see him yesterday evening. He was alone and pretty much out of it. We talked for a bit, they gave him a bunch of pills and librium and that pretty much put him out. I went back today and he could barely even hold his eyes open. I crawled up into the bed with him and just held him. He tried to rub my arm but could barely even do that. I was trying so hard to keep from sobbing but oh wow...it was almost impossible. He finally fell sound asleep and I crept out.

I will always love him. Can't help that. This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through in my life. I am wondering if he'll live?? I have no idea what is up. It sounds like his liver is failing and he's probably got beginning stages of cirrhosis? I don't know but it seems that way. He is 38!

So I'm back at home crying as i type this. The past few weeks since he left have been easier for me. They have. The drama is gone. But today I've just felt so sad and so lonely.

Just needed to get it out...this seemed like the only place I could do that where people would understand.

bluejay6

I'm so sorry. Your story is so very very sad. I hope he lives and finds health again and a healed mind and a way to love and to experience this world's beauty. They go looking for a perfect feeling, a perfect happiness, in the intoxicated trance. It is not there. It pulls them under when we least expect it.

If you have a minister or a priest, you might seek him or her out. This is life and death, and you may need the counsel of clergy. Even the hospital chaplain could speak with you.

I'm so sorry, Brandisue. Please take care of yourself as best you can.

Bluejay

Taking5

I am afraid it may be more than the beginning stages of cirrhosis. However the Dr should be able to tell you the details.

Please take care of yourself and post here if we can help.

Pelican

((((BrandiSue))))

Seeking Wisdom

You have my deepest sympathy at this difficult time.

For many years of my AH's life, he was strong, responsible, with a sharp mind and endless energy. He drank almost non stop for decades and tricked himself into believing he would remain healthy and alcohol would not take it toll on his body...classic alcoholic denial. After all those years, in a very short time ... a series of alcohol related health issues quickly began to emerge - and at first the problems were still fixable with sobriety and not life threatening. However, it turned out these first problems were just a glimpse of the devastation going on throughout his body. Within one year from when these first problems arose ... jaundice emerged, a swollen belly from liver failure, weak and frail muscles, endless pain, vision loss ... and his once very sharp memory was lost and he had trouble remembering even the simplest things ... and still he would not stop drinking.

The rapid downhill transformation in this person I had known my entire adult life was shocking. Everyone thought we would have more time to absorb the prognosis, more opportunities for recovery ... but when the impact of all the years of having every cell in his body bathed in alcohol daily took its toll ... it was devastatingly and tragically fast. However, many illnesses associated with alcoholism can be reversed with abstinence ... and I sincerely hope that your boyfriend will achieve the sobriety he will need for his body and mind to heal and recover.

The immense scope of alcoholism's damage is immeasurable - and sadly those that care must helplessly witness in horror as someone the love, self-destructs before their eyes. It is my greatest hope and desire ... that in my lifetime, that an effective and lasting treatment will be found to achieve truly widespread success for recovery from alcoholism and addiction ... and end this needless destruction affecting so many lives.

naive

brandisue-

is it possible that you can take a few days off of your work to process all that has recently occurred? you've been through so much and it must be taking a toll on you physically, emotionally and spiritually.

i understand that it is your tendency to throw yourself into your work, but are you sure that you wouldn't benefit from a break? do you have some vacation days you could take or i think this would even be valid under "sick days"...

are you getting any face to face support? are you in therapy? attending alanon?

like you, i had never dealt with an alcoholic either and it took me a long time to recognize the signs.

at this stage, he is getting help but are you?

BrandiSue

Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful replies. I've been in and out of the hospital the past few days. They have him so drugged up he can barely even talk to me. He called me twice today with crazy stories. The first time I believed him, second time realized he was completely out of his mind with whatever drugs he's on. It's sad.

I've asked his parents if they have spoken to his Dr. yet. They have not. I guess he makes his rounds very early and nobody can seem to catch him. His family needs to just call and see what they can find out.

He did mumble something about cirrhosis, so am guessing that's what the Dr. told him. It's fairly obvious that that is what is going on.

I have several great supportive friends. Two in particular have gone thru similar so have been a godsend. One of my employees has an alcoholic father and is going through similar issues with him right now but he's also 30 years older.

I did take vacation a while back to the mountains. I needed to breathe in some good clean mountain air and clear out my head a little. It helped. It's hard to come back to this though let me just say.

I'm not sure how long he will be in the hospital or what will happen. If he gets out and starts drinking again, he's certainly signed his death certificate. I wonder if he'll even get out at all?

I'm not going up tonight. I'm not sure it's doing any good at all. Plus I need a break.

Thanks again for your responses. It helps me so much.

Pelican

Thanks for checking in BrandiSue!

Lot's of questions, but no definitive answers. I have know people that were hospitilized for liver diseases and cirrhosis. One of them died from his alcoholism. One I have lost touch with.

My friends were discharged. Your friend is likely being detoxed. They will stabilize him and send him home. You are correct about any future drinking. It will kill him. Even if he goes 5 years (like my friend), it will be as if a movie was fast forwarded-their liver will react as if they never stopped drinking.

Remember your 3 C's:
You did not cause this,
You can not control this,
You can not cure this.

You CAN take care of yourself! Please take care of YOU, we care about you!

tjp613

(((((((BrandiSue)))))) I am so sorry -- that is just a devastating story and I know you must be so crushed by this. 38 ... wow.... so young! I hope he makes it out of the hospital. I will pray for all of you.

Please let us know how you're doing when you can.

Still Waters

Keep us updated BrandiSue, when you get a chance.

boocatgirl

((((((BrandiSue))))) Hugs for you Sweetheart. Take care of you.

BCG

Jadmack25

I haven't seen my XAH since he fell and broke his hip some 2 years ago, but have comforted my grown girls when they come to me after seeing him as he is today.

To see the handsome, strong, humerous and wonderful man he was for 20 of our 27 years together, turn into someone who ran for his wine cask as soon as he got home from work, drink thru the 5 litres whilst mumbling foul language at people who weren't there, then turn on me night after night was hell.

To see him full of anger, hatred and abuse of me after I left, not bathing or eating, and living in financial chaos, to the point that his eldest had to be appointed as carer and given Power of Attorney gave me pain. Finally he had to go into a nursing home after his no eating etc caused so many problems and collapses thru Diabetes.

Now he has spent 2 years bedridden, keeps having minor strokes and is paralysed down one side, wears a nappy (diaper), is deaf and almost blind and needs feeding.

I pray he will be released from this non life, and so will our girls who love him and curse the addiction that turned him from their wonderful dad into almost a vegetable.
I also ask for forgiveness for my part in this. Wondering if I should have stayed and maybe....... instead of leaving as I did.

Then I think, against the power of his addiction I had been useless for 7 years, so why would I make any difference for any longer time? He wanted his drink more than me then and losing me didn't make any difference to that, except his housekeeper wasn't there to cook and clean.

My XAH is 80 and amazes all of us that he is still here. Your man is so young and to be in that state is so damned cruel.
I send you both my prayers and hopes that he will get thru this and you will also.

BrandiSue

Reading these replies has helped me so much. I keep needing to hear these things. I need to know that I made the right decision as far as making him leave. Although I find myself wondering if he'd have gotten so bad if he'd stayed.

I think probably it was only a matter of time before this happened anyway whether I told him to leave or whatever. It's just this constant waivering.

I called him earlier to tell him I'd stop by on my lunch to see him. He told me (I think) that he was being discharged. It's been very hard to understand him with all of the meds they have him on.

He's called me with weird stories and hallucinations throughout this, so it's hard to know if he really is being discharged. He said his parent was coming up to get him so I guess I will find out soon. I talk to his family daily. I feel for them. They are good hardworking folks and I know this has been so hard on them too.

Not to mention his kids. He has two children 7 and 9. They don't know of any of this latest . I'm not sure when the last time was that he even saw them. It kills me because they are two incredibly bright gifted children. What does their mother tell them? sigh.

Back when he was still drinking but not as incapacitated, we would take them with us to the movies, dinner, play dates and have all sorts of fun. I never saw him take a drink and he seemed fine, but who knows. I'm sure he'd had a few before we left. He always told me that he was a professional drinker and knew how to handle his liquor. BTW, his tongue was always planted firmly in his cheek when he said this.

He always admitted to being an alcoholic. Was never ever physically abusive to me, was always very loving and caring, but OMG the drama. He basically hated everything including his X W, his X co-workers who are all friends of mind, his brother, and the list goes on and on. There was always some drama of some sort constantly. He'd rant and rave for a while and then be sound asleep by 730 or 8p. A great social life we had....NOT.

So now I am wondering where he'll go from here? He's very very ill. I was wondering when the hospital would kick him out because he has no insurance. Lost two very incredible jobs due to drinking and is in debt up to his eyeballs by now. I can't even imagine and don't want to know. I just thank my lucky stars I never married him. He talked about it a lot but there was no way I was going there.

So will keep you posted on his progress or lack thereof. I'm sure his liver is failing. It has to be with his symptoms.

Big Sigh.

naive

thanks for the update, brandisue.

Learn2Live

Hi BrandiSue. My Dad is 72 and has been going through this kind of thing for so long now. All I can do is try to casually mention things like how I got sober, how the 12-steps have helped me, and make suggestions that he could try rehab or 12-steps. I try to give examples of other folks I know who have used 12-steps or rehab and have been successful. I tell him if he wants me to go with him or make arrangements to just ask. It's really all you can do is offer suggestions unconditionally. Take care of yourself.

BrandiSue

His mom just called me. She said she got home with him, but he's very sick. Went straight to bed. She thinks this is it. She's very worried obviously. She said the Dr. mentioned something about him possibly being a candidate for a transplant. OMG. Deep down I didn't want to even go there with that.

I doubt this is it. Maybe I'm in denial but I guess I'm banking on his age being a factor. Maybe not.

I feel like throwing up. Hard not to care. I can't imagine being married to someone for years and years and living with this for that long. I've only been his GF for two years and it feels like a limb is being amputated.

How did I not see it was THIS bad?? He must have been heavily drinking hard stuff since he was in his teens to be this bad.

tjp613

Indeed....and/or had a previous susceptibility... like Hepatitis C? Yikes.

BrandiSue

Exactly!!

Still Waters

I know a young girl, who died of liver failure. She drank in the last year or two of her life, as far as I know that was the ONLY time she had.

I never saw her drink prior to that, I never smelled anything, noticed any drunken behavior.

I still find it hard to believe that it happened so fast.

Pelican

Ugh, I bet that news did make you nauseated.