Going downhill quickly..
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by Jadmack25 
Brandi, have had you and your XABF, in my prayers and wondered what was happening with you.
I am so sorry this is coming to such a nasty end, and that those left behind will have to cope with the fallout......Bloody alcoholism and the misery it causes and spreads around.
I will keep you all in my prayers, and hope that his end is not a drawn out nightmare for all of you there.
By the way, I posted to this thread when your xabf was in first in hospital last August, and 3 weeks later my XAH finally died in his nursing home.
God bless
I am so sorry this is coming to such a nasty end, and that those left behind will have to cope with the fallout......Bloody alcoholism and the misery it causes and spreads around.
I will keep you all in my prayers, and hope that his end is not a drawn out nightmare for all of you there.
By the way, I posted to this thread when your xabf was in first in hospital last August, and 3 weeks later my XAH finally died in his nursing home.
God bless
xoxo
God Bless you too.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi brandisue-
i can't imagine what you are going thru, but my thoughts are with you. do try to find an opportunity to say whatever you want to share with him. if you want a few minutes alone, it is ok to communicate that need to any others in the room and ask them to leave for five minutes.
some of us here have been working on acceptance lately. acceptance of things as they are. we all understand the seeming waste of potential and life force due to alcoholism, but we must also accept that it is their life, their choice, their journey.
put it all in god's hands. there is much we do not understand from our limited human point of view. accept what is and trust in heart that god's divine plan of salvation remembers each and every soul. it appears that some must learn their lessons the hard way and on earth, souls are in many different levels of evolution.
naive
i can't imagine what you are going thru, but my thoughts are with you. do try to find an opportunity to say whatever you want to share with him. if you want a few minutes alone, it is ok to communicate that need to any others in the room and ask them to leave for five minutes.
some of us here have been working on acceptance lately. acceptance of things as they are. we all understand the seeming waste of potential and life force due to alcoholism, but we must also accept that it is their life, their choice, their journey.
put it all in god's hands. there is much we do not understand from our limited human point of view. accept what is and trust in heart that god's divine plan of salvation remembers each and every soul. it appears that some must learn their lessons the hard way and on earth, souls are in many different levels of evolution.
naive
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
brandisue, just to let you know that you are thought about and in prayers.
I looked at dates of your posts last year and they were 20th and 21st of August, which is so short a time and your X going down so fast since then.
I was wrong in thinking it was 3 weeks later that my XAH died, as he went on 26th...so it was just a few days after.
What a terrible waste of everything it all is, and oh, all that energy spent by the A on getting their fix, and those who care for them on coping with the fallout.
God bless
I looked at dates of your posts last year and they were 20th and 21st of August, which is so short a time and your X going down so fast since then.
I was wrong in thinking it was 3 weeks later that my XAH died, as he went on 26th...so it was just a few days after.
What a terrible waste of everything it all is, and oh, all that energy spent by the A on getting their fix, and those who care for them on coping with the fallout.
God bless
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Join Date: May 2008
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Posts: 85
Thanks again for your thoughts. It helps reading here. His sons came to see him tonight. I wasn't there but I'm glad they came up. I wasn't sure if they were going to be able to do that. He seemed really glad to see them.
I brought someone with me again tonight. I think he's had a fairly heavy stream of visitors so was really tired by the time i got there.
I'll stop by early on my way in to work tomorrow - if he makes it through one more night.
You're right - it is in God's hands now and I pray daily for his soul, for all of us. Living through this type of experience is life changing. I don't know how those of you who have been married to an alcoholic for 20 plus years do it.
I brought someone with me again tonight. I think he's had a fairly heavy stream of visitors so was really tired by the time i got there.
I'll stop by early on my way in to work tomorrow - if he makes it through one more night.
You're right - it is in God's hands now and I pray daily for his soul, for all of us. Living through this type of experience is life changing. I don't know how those of you who have been married to an alcoholic for 20 plus years do it.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Los Cabos, Mexico
Posts: 34
I think that it is incredible that you are still able to comfort him.
You do not have to be strong. Your friends, family, and those of us here will carry you. It's okay to cry, we will cry with you. I wish there were words that I could share with you that would bring you comfort. All I can offer is love.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
I do alot more reading here on this forum than posting, but I really need some help with this one.
I am truly sorry that someone you care about is dying. I've watched the agonizing process of death. I've been in the front row for Cancer many times ~ including my own mother when I was 21, who by the way was the picture of health 6 months before she died.
But in a way, I can't understand what you are going through. I don't seem to be understanding any of this.
When you started this thread all those months ago, you wrote that you ended things with him to keep yourself from going crazy. That's why you asked him to leave.
Brandisue: "As much as I hated him for doing this to us, it kills me---kills me to see this happen!"
"For the past 7 mos or so I've gone to see him every Sunday afternoon for an hour or so or at least tried to. I've moved on with my life yet I am still drawn to him and his family."
How have you moved on with your life?
Why do you continue to take part in this, to give yourself to this man, if it is killing you so much? How is any of this healthy? Isn't that why you ended the relationship in the first place? So you wouldn't have to sit around and watch him kill himself, all the while devastating you in the process?
When you finally had the courage to put yourself first... an old thread...
Brandisue-7/26/09 :
"If I let him back into my life now, I will surely be signing his death certificate."
If I have gone too far here, then I apologize, and I'm sure someone can delete my post if I have. I have always looked to and recommended this forum for support and guidance for us alanons and co-dependants. We need forums like this to remind us that we are not alone, and to show us how we can stand up and remove ourselves from toxic relationships, where the majority of us are, or were, before we found these pages. These pages guide many of us towards physical, mental, and emotional freedom from the strangling and crippling hold that alcoholics have on us.
To watch you continue to be miserable because of this man and the choices he made is very confusing to me. Help me understand why you are putting yourself through this.
I am truly sorry that someone you care about is dying. I've watched the agonizing process of death. I've been in the front row for Cancer many times ~ including my own mother when I was 21, who by the way was the picture of health 6 months before she died.
But in a way, I can't understand what you are going through. I don't seem to be understanding any of this.
When you started this thread all those months ago, you wrote that you ended things with him to keep yourself from going crazy. That's why you asked him to leave.
Brandisue: "As much as I hated him for doing this to us, it kills me---kills me to see this happen!"
"For the past 7 mos or so I've gone to see him every Sunday afternoon for an hour or so or at least tried to. I've moved on with my life yet I am still drawn to him and his family."
How have you moved on with your life?
Why do you continue to take part in this, to give yourself to this man, if it is killing you so much? How is any of this healthy? Isn't that why you ended the relationship in the first place? So you wouldn't have to sit around and watch him kill himself, all the while devastating you in the process?
When you finally had the courage to put yourself first... an old thread...
Brandisue-7/26/09 :
"If I let him back into my life now, I will surely be signing his death certificate."
If I have gone too far here, then I apologize, and I'm sure someone can delete my post if I have. I have always looked to and recommended this forum for support and guidance for us alanons and co-dependants. We need forums like this to remind us that we are not alone, and to show us how we can stand up and remove ourselves from toxic relationships, where the majority of us are, or were, before we found these pages. These pages guide many of us towards physical, mental, and emotional freedom from the strangling and crippling hold that alcoholics have on us.
To watch you continue to be miserable because of this man and the choices he made is very confusing to me. Help me understand why you are putting yourself through this.
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Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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I can only speak for myself. For me, having contact with my alcoholic sister -- after having sworn off contact because of the psychosis it caused, the damage to my life -- was appropriate in her last days on the planet.
It did not undo the work I had done. It just brought me some much-needed closure. When she was days from dying, I was able to see her as I would see any other person who had gone down the wrong path, and was suffering the consequences for it.
It was part of my humanity. Knowing I was still capable of compassion for her helped me in the days to come, when I grieved for the person she could've been without alcoholism. Truly, the alcoholics in our lives may have done some terrible things, but at one time they were good people trying hard to find their way. Sending mine off to "whatever comes next" (whatever you believe in) with dignity and compassion was a part of the full circle of my healing.
It did not undo the work I had done. It just brought me some much-needed closure. When she was days from dying, I was able to see her as I would see any other person who had gone down the wrong path, and was suffering the consequences for it.
It was part of my humanity. Knowing I was still capable of compassion for her helped me in the days to come, when I grieved for the person she could've been without alcoholism. Truly, the alcoholics in our lives may have done some terrible things, but at one time they were good people trying hard to find their way. Sending mine off to "whatever comes next" (whatever you believe in) with dignity and compassion was a part of the full circle of my healing.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Originally Posted by GiveLove
I can only speak for myself. For me, having contact with my alcoholic sister -- after having sworn off contact because of the psychosis it caused, the damage to my life -- was appropriate in her last days on the planet.
It did not undo the work I had done. It just brought me some much-needed closure. When she was days from dying, I was able to see her as I would see any other person who had gone down the wrong path, and was suffering the consequences for it.
It was part of my humanity. Knowing I was still capable of compassion for her helped me in the days to come, when I grieved for the person she could've been without alcoholism. Truly, the alcoholics in our lives may have done some terrible things, but at one time they were good people trying hard to find their way. Sending mine off to "whatever comes next" (whatever you believe in) with dignity and compassion was a part of the full circle of my healing.
It did not undo the work I had done. It just brought me some much-needed closure. When she was days from dying, I was able to see her as I would see any other person who had gone down the wrong path, and was suffering the consequences for it.
It was part of my humanity. Knowing I was still capable of compassion for her helped me in the days to come, when I grieved for the person she could've been without alcoholism. Truly, the alcoholics in our lives may have done some terrible things, but at one time they were good people trying hard to find their way. Sending mine off to "whatever comes next" (whatever you believe in) with dignity and compassion was a part of the full circle of my healing.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
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BrandiSue
I also agree with GiveLove and Queenteree. I lost my AH to alcoholism and liver disease after many, many years of marriage. He did not live with our family the last few years of his life - but we shared 2 teenage sons, a house and a business - and decades of memories, many of them happy. We saw or spoke to each other almost everyday for a variety of reasons due to our complicated and tangled lives.
During the last 2 years, my AH rapidly deteriorated both in mind and body. I was continually amazed at how dramatically he had transformed from the man I had married that was so strong, hard working and smart. Very quickly he became so sickly, frail, angry, and confused - unable to do even simple math or to even drive himself to doctor’s appointments.
I kept a connection with him out of loyalty to the man I married and for the many years he had worked hard and done so many things for his family. I had always let him take care of himself until he became too sick and disabled to manage critical necessities. I also knew during those last few years when he had become almost helpless that he most likely would lose his life before too long. Since he could no longer drive, I was the only one that could get him to his doctor’s appointments and make sure he understood what the doctor had told him. I felt he deserved the dignity of receiving healthcare when he was so ill and so confused. At that point he was no longer capable of making logical decisions regarding his own well being. However, I also kept as much distance as I could for my sanity and children’s well being during this very difficult time.
I didn’t do these things for the angry, confused alcoholic ... I did them for the man I married years ago and for the father of my children. It is also not a choice I would necessarily recommend for everyone. Those last few years of his life were a living hell and I wished a thousand times I could just fly away somewhere safe and peaceful ... however, when he finally lost his battle, I was at peace knowing I had chosen to be there for him in the end, showing his sons that underneath all the alcoholic insanity was a man worthy of our compassion. It brought meaningful closure as I was planned his memorial service in the way I knew he would want to be remembered - a man that had once embraced life, worked hard and cared deeply for his family ... knowing his life tragically ended far too soon.
I also agree with GiveLove and Queenteree. I lost my AH to alcoholism and liver disease after many, many years of marriage. He did not live with our family the last few years of his life - but we shared 2 teenage sons, a house and a business - and decades of memories, many of them happy. We saw or spoke to each other almost everyday for a variety of reasons due to our complicated and tangled lives.
During the last 2 years, my AH rapidly deteriorated both in mind and body. I was continually amazed at how dramatically he had transformed from the man I had married that was so strong, hard working and smart. Very quickly he became so sickly, frail, angry, and confused - unable to do even simple math or to even drive himself to doctor’s appointments.
I kept a connection with him out of loyalty to the man I married and for the many years he had worked hard and done so many things for his family. I had always let him take care of himself until he became too sick and disabled to manage critical necessities. I also knew during those last few years when he had become almost helpless that he most likely would lose his life before too long. Since he could no longer drive, I was the only one that could get him to his doctor’s appointments and make sure he understood what the doctor had told him. I felt he deserved the dignity of receiving healthcare when he was so ill and so confused. At that point he was no longer capable of making logical decisions regarding his own well being. However, I also kept as much distance as I could for my sanity and children’s well being during this very difficult time.
I didn’t do these things for the angry, confused alcoholic ... I did them for the man I married years ago and for the father of my children. It is also not a choice I would necessarily recommend for everyone. Those last few years of his life were a living hell and I wished a thousand times I could just fly away somewhere safe and peaceful ... however, when he finally lost his battle, I was at peace knowing I had chosen to be there for him in the end, showing his sons that underneath all the alcoholic insanity was a man worthy of our compassion. It brought meaningful closure as I was planned his memorial service in the way I knew he would want to be remembered - a man that had once embraced life, worked hard and cared deeply for his family ... knowing his life tragically ended far too soon.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Thank you to Givelove, Queenteree and Seeking wisdom for sharing your stories. I can absolutely understand why you would do the things you did when your A was in their final days. Thank you for explaining why you did it, and what you were feeling when you did it. I really cannot imagine watching a family member, or someone I was married to for decades, succumb to an illness such as this. I'm sure it meant alot to them that you had returned into their lives during their final struggles. I hope I end up as compassionate and forgiving as you all have.
Again, thank you for sharing your stories of recovery.
Again, thank you for sharing your stories of recovery.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I am so sorry to hear this. What amazes me in the rooms of AA is hearing the stories of the "young people". People who drank a lot and very young in life and went chronic at really young ages. 38 is young to me.
I was a slow and steady drinker and it took me 30 years to finally go chronic.
But, I've learned that it can happen so fast. I always assumed it was a long process because mine was.
Hang in there and stay strong.
I was a slow and steady drinker and it took me 30 years to finally go chronic.
But, I've learned that it can happen so fast. I always assumed it was a long process because mine was.
Hang in there and stay strong.
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