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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Hello everyone, i am a 26 year old mother to one 6 year old little girl.
below is my basic story, some of it may not make sense as they are mixed up posts that i have made on another parenting forum but thought i would look here for help insted. i hope you will take the time to read it as it is long. looking forward to hearing from people who have been though this or can give me some sort of help thanks for reading
I think that DH is an alcoholic. He of coarse does not. He drinks at least a couple beers daily unless we really have next to no money and then he talks about it and gets some beer as soon as we have a few extra dollars again.
I am so tired of sleeping on my couch because I cannot stomach the smell of stale beer from his body and breath. I don't know what to do.
Last night was his company summer bbq. We both went and had a good time. We both drank. Got a ride home and today when he was going to get his truck from there he said to a co-worker that they should go back there (the party was at another co-workers house) and finish off the remaining beer. He came home around 8 hours later drunk again. He had his truck brought home for him.
I asked him to take a shower before he went to bed. He said he would and we had dinner, he said he was going to take a nap I said please have a shower first since you have not had one since before we went yesterday. He told me no and he would take one after his nap; wake him in hour and a half. It is now 8pm and the hour and a half is gone by, I tried to wake him and I got yelled at and he told me that he is not getting up until tomorrow.
I just really don't know what to do. We have a 6 year old dd and I don't know what to do about it. I so tired of dd finding me sleeping on the couch, I feel so alone in the world and I have no friends to talk to about it.
I have tried to talk to him about it and have told him that if the drinking does not change that I will leave. But it seems like an empty threat as I have no means to leave him. I have a job starting in a few weeks and I hope to save the money to have my own account so I can leave if I need to. I have not worked in 7 years but decided to get a job for this reason. But what do I do for now?
I have decided that one your from now if my marriage is not better I will leave DH
This is not something I have decided lightly. We been together for 9 years. I love him but the way he treats me is not fair.
The man I met and fell in love with was caring, full of energy, loved to hug me for no reason, kind, and loved to do things together.
The man I am with today is mean, lazy, does not touch me in anyway unless he wants sex, does not do things with me and dd. He will only go to work if they call him to go. HE has no ambition in life anymore. I have talked to him about depression and he tells me to "**** Off"
Any time I talk to him about anything besides the weather (or small talk things like that) he says I am bitching and he will leave the room or the house. I have tried writing to him as well as talking to him on the phone
Also he rarely drank when we were together at first, now it is almost daily.
I do all the cooking and cleaning in the house and he does not ever say thank you. The only thing he will do is point out what I have done wrong. There is ALWAYS something wrong with what I cook. It is never good enough for him.
It is to the point where dd is starting to notice how he treats me.
He only does things with dd around the house. Never goes to any activity of hers. And always has a million excuses for not going.
He always has an excuse for how he treats me, like I make him do it, or it is all in my head.
He sleeps every afternoon for 2-3 hours. It drives me crazy as he is only 31 years old.
I feel as though I am holding this life together alone. I feel like a failure that I cannot keep my husband happy. The only time he is smiling is when he is with his friends. He has no problem making plans with them or going out to do things with them, but when it is me and dd he is too tired or not in time mood to do things.
Anything that I ask him to do he will not. This morning I was in bed and I asked him to put out the dog, he said its your dog, and left to go get a coffee for him and his friend and visit at his house.
I have to ask him to take care of dd when I need to do something and most of the time I have to get a friend to watch her for me as he is too busy.
I do not know if I am making the right decision but at this point I cannot wait forever for him to change back to the man I loved. And I do not want dd to end up with a man in her life who treats her like this.
He now no longer goes to her activities
he has never been one to enjoy going to sporting events, dance recitals, figure skating carnivals, swimming lessons etc, but he would go to one before( one of each)
But in the past few months he does not go at all. It started at Christmas. He missed the Christmas concert, and then missed her swimming, then her dance recital; he did not go to one soccer game or tball game.
I am really resenting this! My dad did not go to anything for me and I hate him for it. I feel bad that she will have those feelings too. I have tried talking to him about it but he ALWAYS has some excuse why not to go!
Sick, working, tired, long day, buddy just called and is coming over. Whatever! If I did that she would have no one! I am so angry with him over this!
Today is the parade for Canada day. Not a big deal but with all the other things he has missed I am mad. Today he is sick but in don’t think too sick to go. Dd is sad.
What do I say to dd when she asks me why all the other kids’ dads go and not hers?
below is my basic story, some of it may not make sense as they are mixed up posts that i have made on another parenting forum but thought i would look here for help insted. i hope you will take the time to read it as it is long. looking forward to hearing from people who have been though this or can give me some sort of help thanks for reading
I think that DH is an alcoholic. He of coarse does not. He drinks at least a couple beers daily unless we really have next to no money and then he talks about it and gets some beer as soon as we have a few extra dollars again.
I am so tired of sleeping on my couch because I cannot stomach the smell of stale beer from his body and breath. I don't know what to do.
Last night was his company summer bbq. We both went and had a good time. We both drank. Got a ride home and today when he was going to get his truck from there he said to a co-worker that they should go back there (the party was at another co-workers house) and finish off the remaining beer. He came home around 8 hours later drunk again. He had his truck brought home for him.
I asked him to take a shower before he went to bed. He said he would and we had dinner, he said he was going to take a nap I said please have a shower first since you have not had one since before we went yesterday. He told me no and he would take one after his nap; wake him in hour and a half. It is now 8pm and the hour and a half is gone by, I tried to wake him and I got yelled at and he told me that he is not getting up until tomorrow.
I just really don't know what to do. We have a 6 year old dd and I don't know what to do about it. I so tired of dd finding me sleeping on the couch, I feel so alone in the world and I have no friends to talk to about it.
I have tried to talk to him about it and have told him that if the drinking does not change that I will leave. But it seems like an empty threat as I have no means to leave him. I have a job starting in a few weeks and I hope to save the money to have my own account so I can leave if I need to. I have not worked in 7 years but decided to get a job for this reason. But what do I do for now?
I have decided that one your from now if my marriage is not better I will leave DH
This is not something I have decided lightly. We been together for 9 years. I love him but the way he treats me is not fair.
The man I met and fell in love with was caring, full of energy, loved to hug me for no reason, kind, and loved to do things together.
The man I am with today is mean, lazy, does not touch me in anyway unless he wants sex, does not do things with me and dd. He will only go to work if they call him to go. HE has no ambition in life anymore. I have talked to him about depression and he tells me to "**** Off"
Any time I talk to him about anything besides the weather (or small talk things like that) he says I am bitching and he will leave the room or the house. I have tried writing to him as well as talking to him on the phone
Also he rarely drank when we were together at first, now it is almost daily.
I do all the cooking and cleaning in the house and he does not ever say thank you. The only thing he will do is point out what I have done wrong. There is ALWAYS something wrong with what I cook. It is never good enough for him.
It is to the point where dd is starting to notice how he treats me.
He only does things with dd around the house. Never goes to any activity of hers. And always has a million excuses for not going.
He always has an excuse for how he treats me, like I make him do it, or it is all in my head.
He sleeps every afternoon for 2-3 hours. It drives me crazy as he is only 31 years old.
I feel as though I am holding this life together alone. I feel like a failure that I cannot keep my husband happy. The only time he is smiling is when he is with his friends. He has no problem making plans with them or going out to do things with them, but when it is me and dd he is too tired or not in time mood to do things.
Anything that I ask him to do he will not. This morning I was in bed and I asked him to put out the dog, he said its your dog, and left to go get a coffee for him and his friend and visit at his house.
I have to ask him to take care of dd when I need to do something and most of the time I have to get a friend to watch her for me as he is too busy.
I do not know if I am making the right decision but at this point I cannot wait forever for him to change back to the man I loved. And I do not want dd to end up with a man in her life who treats her like this.
He now no longer goes to her activities
he has never been one to enjoy going to sporting events, dance recitals, figure skating carnivals, swimming lessons etc, but he would go to one before( one of each)
But in the past few months he does not go at all. It started at Christmas. He missed the Christmas concert, and then missed her swimming, then her dance recital; he did not go to one soccer game or tball game.
I am really resenting this! My dad did not go to anything for me and I hate him for it. I feel bad that she will have those feelings too. I have tried talking to him about it but he ALWAYS has some excuse why not to go!
Sick, working, tired, long day, buddy just called and is coming over. Whatever! If I did that she would have no one! I am so angry with him over this!
Today is the parade for Canada day. Not a big deal but with all the other things he has missed I am mad. Today he is sick but in don’t think too sick to go. Dd is sad.
What do I say to dd when she asks me why all the other kids’ dads go and not hers?
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Regardless of whether he's an alcoholic or not, is this how you deserve to be treated by a "loved one"? Is this what you want your child to grow up thinking is normal?
You can't change him, but you can change your circumstances and that of your child.
You can't change him, but you can change your circumstances and that of your child.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 8
i know it sounds crazy but i do still love him, or maybe it is the person he was before. I am the only one who sees this side of him, everyone else in the world thinks the sun shines out of him. I felt that way too at one time, i cry often about when my dd is living through, we do not fight in front of her but i know she will see the truth one day, my dad was the acholic in my life as a child and i ended up with one. although for the first few years he did not drink, it has been a progression to where it is now.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Welcome lookinghelp!
I am sure others will be here with their wisdom and experience....
First of all YOU ARE NOT ALONE... everybody here understands what you are going through... and you can talk to us anytime, there are wonderful people in this forum. Ah yes, everybody thinks they are the soul of the party and these great guys, its a very lonely place to be the only one who knows the ugly truth.
Secondly, I am afraid your dd is already resenting this... what is she learning? that it is OK for a man to treat a woman that way... so, do not be surprised if she looks for a drunkard or drug addict as a partner... she has already been affected by this, children pick up moods, attitudes, fear... Remember your job is to protect her and yourself!
You have seen the progression.. unfortunately this is as good as it gets... with alcoholism, it always gets worse...
You cannot control his way of drinking
You cannot cure him
You did not cause him to drink
Are you seeking Al Anon or an individual counselor?
HUGS!!!!
I am sure others will be here with their wisdom and experience....
First of all YOU ARE NOT ALONE... everybody here understands what you are going through... and you can talk to us anytime, there are wonderful people in this forum. Ah yes, everybody thinks they are the soul of the party and these great guys, its a very lonely place to be the only one who knows the ugly truth.
Secondly, I am afraid your dd is already resenting this... what is she learning? that it is OK for a man to treat a woman that way... so, do not be surprised if she looks for a drunkard or drug addict as a partner... she has already been affected by this, children pick up moods, attitudes, fear... Remember your job is to protect her and yourself!
You have seen the progression.. unfortunately this is as good as it gets... with alcoholism, it always gets worse...
You cannot control his way of drinking
You cannot cure him
You did not cause him to drink
Are you seeking Al Anon or an individual counselor?
HUGS!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 8
TakingCharge999 i have looked but there is no al anon where i live and the the cloest one is a 4 hour drive away.
i really want to reach out to his family but they live on the other side of the country and i don't know what to say. i have only net them twice. i would love to see him get help but he thinks that because he only drinks 4-5 he does not have a problem, also since he still goes to work and provides for us there is no problem. kwim?
i am so scared that dd will marry someone like this. i am crying now over the thought. my mother left my father when i was 9 because he chrated on her and the sad thing is i wish he would do something like that to make it easier to leave. i wonder how i will face the workd if i leave him. i also want to see him get help since i love him and he is the father of my child
i really want to reach out to his family but they live on the other side of the country and i don't know what to say. i have only net them twice. i would love to see him get help but he thinks that because he only drinks 4-5 he does not have a problem, also since he still goes to work and provides for us there is no problem. kwim?
i am so scared that dd will marry someone like this. i am crying now over the thought. my mother left my father when i was 9 because he chrated on her and the sad thing is i wish he would do something like that to make it easier to leave. i wonder how i will face the workd if i leave him. i also want to see him get help since i love him and he is the father of my child
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
(((((lookingforhelp))))))))
Its ok to cry... I am so sorry for your pain
when I was afraid of crying a friend here told me crying releases toxins and cleanses the soul... it is good for you to let it out....
There are Al anon meetings online ... let me see if I can find the link. Good option!! for us that can't make it to real meetings.
Dear lookinghelp, even if you talked to the parents, he may not change... people with this problem have to reach their own rock bottom and seek help for themselves. I am afraid they got to lose many things to get out from their denial... and many even die thinking they don't have a problem...
It shows how much you care for him, after all you knew him before this... but you got to realize that person is gone.... and the only way you can help him is to take care of yourself and dd first... we have tried all, begging, yelling, giving ultimatums, giving the silent treatment, NOTHING will get to them if they think they are OK... perhaps losing his family is the wake-up call he needs. Perhaps it doesn't, but YOU and dd will be able to heal and live a good life.
So far you have been there, and he just keeps worse and worse, so we know your company is not helping him...... whatever you say or do won't help him, he has to realize his problem for himself... this is where you've got to have faith in God or a Higher Power of your choosing, entrust him to his own fate and get back to healing yourself and providing much love and reassurance to dd...
I am glad you are already making your mind up about your options...
He is very disrespectful with you, but if you keep being there for him, forgiving him.. why would he change anything?
Also, can you order "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie? Much comfort and strength is found in that book. Its one of our bibles in here... don't feel alone, you are not, there are tons of help and support available for you. You are in the right place!
Its ok to cry... I am so sorry for your pain
when I was afraid of crying a friend here told me crying releases toxins and cleanses the soul... it is good for you to let it out....There are Al anon meetings online ... let me see if I can find the link. Good option!! for us that can't make it to real meetings.
Dear lookinghelp, even if you talked to the parents, he may not change... people with this problem have to reach their own rock bottom and seek help for themselves. I am afraid they got to lose many things to get out from their denial... and many even die thinking they don't have a problem...
It shows how much you care for him, after all you knew him before this... but you got to realize that person is gone.... and the only way you can help him is to take care of yourself and dd first... we have tried all, begging, yelling, giving ultimatums, giving the silent treatment, NOTHING will get to them if they think they are OK... perhaps losing his family is the wake-up call he needs. Perhaps it doesn't, but YOU and dd will be able to heal and live a good life.
So far you have been there, and he just keeps worse and worse, so we know your company is not helping him...... whatever you say or do won't help him, he has to realize his problem for himself... this is where you've got to have faith in God or a Higher Power of your choosing, entrust him to his own fate and get back to healing yourself and providing much love and reassurance to dd...
I am glad you are already making your mind up about your options...
He is very disrespectful with you, but if you keep being there for him, forgiving him.. why would he change anything?
Also, can you order "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie? Much comfort and strength is found in that book. Its one of our bibles in here... don't feel alone, you are not, there are tons of help and support available for you. You are in the right place!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Al-Anon Chat Meetings -- Online Al-Anon Family Groups Chat Meetings
Well you know what you need to do to feel better, lookinghelp.. I understand, I also wanted to tell an ex's dad about how his son was ruining his life. But I decided against it... it is HIS dad, he should know what his son is up to or if he is distanced well.. there should be reasons for that..not MY role to intervene there.. but that was just my conclusion... I have found family knows, but is in denial too, oftentimes..and there are always reasons as to why its "not that bad"
Hope you can attend online meetings! Please keep reading and posting. It helps a lot.
Well you know what you need to do to feel better, lookinghelp.. I understand, I also wanted to tell an ex's dad about how his son was ruining his life. But I decided against it... it is HIS dad, he should know what his son is up to or if he is distanced well.. there should be reasons for that..not MY role to intervene there.. but that was just my conclusion... I have found family knows, but is in denial too, oftentimes..and there are always reasons as to why its "not that bad"
Hope you can attend online meetings! Please keep reading and posting. It helps a lot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 8
thanks for the link
i can hopefully look into it this friday, but if dh is home i may not be able to
The reason i say his parents do not know is that they have not been living in the same state with him in the past 12 years. they have only visited once and we went to their house once. When we went to see them he did not drink then only the ocasional drink and maybe one or 2 nights during the 3 week visit did he get drunk.
When they came to see us it was in the begining stages so it was really not noticable. i did not realise that is was the begining then but i do now.
They have not seen us since then and he never talks to them when he has had a few, they think that he does not drink except once in a while. They really have no idea. i would love for them to live close to see that way if i do leave they will understand. That is the other problem is that if i leave no one is going to believe why i left.
i can hopefully look into it this friday, but if dh is home i may not be able to
The reason i say his parents do not know is that they have not been living in the same state with him in the past 12 years. they have only visited once and we went to their house once. When we went to see them he did not drink then only the ocasional drink and maybe one or 2 nights during the 3 week visit did he get drunk.
When they came to see us it was in the begining stages so it was really not noticable. i did not realise that is was the begining then but i do now.
They have not seen us since then and he never talks to them when he has had a few, they think that he does not drink except once in a while. They really have no idea. i would love for them to live close to see that way if i do leave they will understand. That is the other problem is that if i leave no one is going to believe why i left.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
He will never be the person he was once before. Even if he were to get into recovery, he'll still be a changed person.
I spent five years of hell with the EXAH, clinging to the fantasy thinking that he could be what he used to be.
The damage to my now 31 year old AD was profound.
Today I live in the moment, and accept things for what they are at that moment.
Sometimes reality is painful, but it's a pain that can be worked through. Fantasy thinking just drags the pain out indefinitely.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease-it only gets worse, never better.
I spent five years of hell with the EXAH, clinging to the fantasy thinking that he could be what he used to be.
The damage to my now 31 year old AD was profound.
Today I live in the moment, and accept things for what they are at that moment.
Sometimes reality is painful, but it's a pain that can be worked through. Fantasy thinking just drags the pain out indefinitely.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease-it only gets worse, never better.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family lookinghelp!
We're glad you found us. I'm sorry it has to be under these circumstances.
After reading your posts, it appears you have an alcoholic husband and his Dis-ease is progressing. You are aware of this. You have found that no matter what you say and do, he still drinks and disappoints you and your daughter. You acknowledge it is beyond your control.
Good for you! There are three basic steps of recovery for you, your daughter and your husband. You can only control your recovery and assist your daughter. So let's focus on you and your three steps.
First step is Awareness. Your eyes are opened and you see the reality.
Second step is Acceptance. You accept that you can not control the actions of another adult. You find their behavior unacceptable and unhealthy.
Third step is Action. This is where you are now. You mention you are going back to work. That is great. It will give you motivation and resources to take care of yourself and your dd. I did that after staying home for 12 years. You can do this!
Please read the sticky posts at the top of this forum. They contain our stories. Those who have walked where you are now and left their footprints for others to follow. You will find wisdom and self-help advise. We will all encourage you to focus on your needs and dd needs. (let the other adult in your home act like an adult and take care of himself).
I especially recommend reading about boundaries. As long as you are sharing a home together, you will need to establish healthy boundaries for yourself and your dd. Boundaries are limitations we set for ourselves. Let's take your boundary of sleeping on the couch because you don't like the smell of stale beer after he has been drinking. That is a boundary. You don't ask the drunk to sleep on the couch because that means your boundary requires another persons action. A healthy boundary is to accept that he will drink and stink. You don't like sleeping with stinky drinky, so you sleep on the couch. Now you feel guilty because dd keeps finding you on the couch. Why?
Here is my suggestion and based on my own experience. I got tired of sleeping on the couch. I would wake up stiff and only get bits of sleep. I started using our air mattress. My children are older than your dd, but they knew my sleeping on the air mattress was because AH was stinking and snoring. You don't need to overwhelm your dd with all the facts. Just let her know that sometimes daddy's snoring keeps you awake and you need to sleep in another room. You could even put an air mattress on her floor and invite her to camp with you. I didn't like giving up my bed to a drunk, so my time of sleeping on the air mattress was short lived. I now own the bed and he owns the air mattress.
Keep reading and posting. You will find lots of support and encouragement here!
We're glad you found us. I'm sorry it has to be under these circumstances.
After reading your posts, it appears you have an alcoholic husband and his Dis-ease is progressing. You are aware of this. You have found that no matter what you say and do, he still drinks and disappoints you and your daughter. You acknowledge it is beyond your control.
Good for you! There are three basic steps of recovery for you, your daughter and your husband. You can only control your recovery and assist your daughter. So let's focus on you and your three steps.
First step is Awareness. Your eyes are opened and you see the reality.
Second step is Acceptance. You accept that you can not control the actions of another adult. You find their behavior unacceptable and unhealthy.
Third step is Action. This is where you are now. You mention you are going back to work. That is great. It will give you motivation and resources to take care of yourself and your dd. I did that after staying home for 12 years. You can do this!
Please read the sticky posts at the top of this forum. They contain our stories. Those who have walked where you are now and left their footprints for others to follow. You will find wisdom and self-help advise. We will all encourage you to focus on your needs and dd needs. (let the other adult in your home act like an adult and take care of himself).
I especially recommend reading about boundaries. As long as you are sharing a home together, you will need to establish healthy boundaries for yourself and your dd. Boundaries are limitations we set for ourselves. Let's take your boundary of sleeping on the couch because you don't like the smell of stale beer after he has been drinking. That is a boundary. You don't ask the drunk to sleep on the couch because that means your boundary requires another persons action. A healthy boundary is to accept that he will drink and stink. You don't like sleeping with stinky drinky, so you sleep on the couch. Now you feel guilty because dd keeps finding you on the couch. Why?
Here is my suggestion and based on my own experience. I got tired of sleeping on the couch. I would wake up stiff and only get bits of sleep. I started using our air mattress. My children are older than your dd, but they knew my sleeping on the air mattress was because AH was stinking and snoring. You don't need to overwhelm your dd with all the facts. Just let her know that sometimes daddy's snoring keeps you awake and you need to sleep in another room. You could even put an air mattress on her floor and invite her to camp with you. I didn't like giving up my bed to a drunk, so my time of sleeping on the air mattress was short lived. I now own the bed and he owns the air mattress.
Keep reading and posting. You will find lots of support and encouragement here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 8
he goes to bed hours before me so sleeping on the couch is easier for me, my choice and i like the sound of the tv, we do not have one in our room
but i have to say when he did not drink i did get up and go to bed when i dozed off in front of the tv, i don't anymore
but i have to say when he did not drink i did get up and go to bed when i dozed off in front of the tv, i don't anymore
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