dealing with the backlash
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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dealing with the backlash
Hi everyone.It's been nearly two weeks now since I told XABF that it's over, and we're living separately as soon as we can get the finances sorted (which might take two months, although we're both hoping he can find a couch to surf on until then).
It's pretty unbearable right now at home. He's pulling out all the stops to hit my 'weak spots' of vulnerability: money, fear of what other people think, etc. It's payday and he's gone against our agreement to sort finances out today (he usually transfers a certain amount to my account to cover our bills and food, a long-standing agreement) by going out and not doing the transfer...no doubt spending the money...ugh....then saying to me on the phone 'We're going to have a discussion tomorrow and you're not going to like half of it.' (in a threatening way). It's so frustrating and frightening for me.
Any advice on how to deal with this crazy-making stuff? I was doing quite well until today, really...I have a cold and feel run-down, and just don't have my usual resources and strength. I just wish he could handle it all in a mature fashion, but that's ridiculous to hope for, right? I ended up doing something I'm not sure I should've, by phoning his mom tonight to tell her we'd split, and basically telling her my version of things (in as neutral and non-blaming a way as I could). She was shocked and said she'd have to get back to me. I'm not sure why I did it, at the time I was just mad I guess.
It's pretty unbearable right now at home. He's pulling out all the stops to hit my 'weak spots' of vulnerability: money, fear of what other people think, etc. It's payday and he's gone against our agreement to sort finances out today (he usually transfers a certain amount to my account to cover our bills and food, a long-standing agreement) by going out and not doing the transfer...no doubt spending the money...ugh....then saying to me on the phone 'We're going to have a discussion tomorrow and you're not going to like half of it.' (in a threatening way). It's so frustrating and frightening for me.
Any advice on how to deal with this crazy-making stuff? I was doing quite well until today, really...I have a cold and feel run-down, and just don't have my usual resources and strength. I just wish he could handle it all in a mature fashion, but that's ridiculous to hope for, right? I ended up doing something I'm not sure I should've, by phoning his mom tonight to tell her we'd split, and basically telling her my version of things (in as neutral and non-blaming a way as I could). She was shocked and said she'd have to get back to me. I'm not sure why I did it, at the time I was just mad I guess.
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I guess I could be more assertive about it, but the way he works is, the more I dig in my heels about something, the more he does, so it just goes back and forth. His position has been, if I'm the one who wants out of the relationship, why should he have to leave, but as we have a small son he has agreed that he'll be the one to leave. I'm just scared that when he's physically not here at all (much as I want that), he will not give me ANY money whatsoever (I'm a stay at home mom and am currently working towards receiving some government benefit...it's a long story), b/c he can say 'why should I pay for you now we don't live together'. Logic doesn't come into it, with him. The disease speaks louder and louder.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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the more I dig in my heels about something, the more he does, so it just goes back and forth.
It only goes back and forth because you allow it too. You are allowing his words to manipulate you into giving him his way.
Try to picture a giant duck with a big orange beak. The only language the duck has and understands is duck language: quack, quack, quack, quack. This is your alcoholic, pot smoking boy friend. Everytime he opens his mouth he is saying quack, quack, quack, quack, because it is the only language he knows. He is content with his lifestyle. He is content with his language. His 'real' friends speak the same language.
Everytime you speak to him you are using your language. It is filled with reasonable, logical, polite words. Yet all he hears is: whine, whine, whine, nag, nag, nag.
Therefore, you have a language barrier and lack of communication. There is a universal language that transcends the barrier: action.
Set your priorities and take action to protect them. That includes your finances, physical safety, personal belongings, and personal space. Be prepared to stand your ground, and use ear plugs because the quacking will get louder and crazier the stronger you become.
Take care of you and the little guy! :ghug3
It only goes back and forth because you allow it too. You are allowing his words to manipulate you into giving him his way.
Try to picture a giant duck with a big orange beak. The only language the duck has and understands is duck language: quack, quack, quack, quack. This is your alcoholic, pot smoking boy friend. Everytime he opens his mouth he is saying quack, quack, quack, quack, because it is the only language he knows. He is content with his lifestyle. He is content with his language. His 'real' friends speak the same language.
Everytime you speak to him you are using your language. It is filled with reasonable, logical, polite words. Yet all he hears is: whine, whine, whine, nag, nag, nag.
Therefore, you have a language barrier and lack of communication. There is a universal language that transcends the barrier: action.
Set your priorities and take action to protect them. That includes your finances, physical safety, personal belongings, and personal space. Be prepared to stand your ground, and use ear plugs because the quacking will get louder and crazier the stronger you become.
Take care of you and the little guy! :ghug3
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
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Originally Posted by TakingTime 
Hi everyone.It's been nearly two weeks now since I told XABF that it's over, and we're living separately as soon as we can get the finances sorted (which might take two months, although we're both hoping he can find a couch to surf on until then).
It's pretty unbearable right now at home. He's pulling out all the stops to hit my 'weak spots' of vulnerability: money, fear of what other people think, etc. It's payday and he's gone against our agreement to sort finances out today (he usually transfers a certain amount to my account to cover our bills and food, a long-standing agreement) by going out and not doing the transfer...no doubt spending the money...ugh....then saying to me on the phone 'We're going to have a discussion tomorrow and you're not going to like half of it.' (in a threatening way). It's so frustrating and frightening for me.
Any advice on how to deal with this crazy-making stuff? I was doing quite well until today, really...I have a cold and feel run-down, and just don't have my usual resources and strength. I just wish he could handle it all in a mature fashion, but that's ridiculous to hope for, right? I ended up doing something I'm not sure I should've, by phoning his mom tonight to tell her we'd split, and basically telling her my version of things (in as neutral and non-blaming a way as I could). She was shocked and said she'd have to get back to me. I'm not sure why I did it, at the time I was just mad I guess.
It's pretty unbearable right now at home. He's pulling out all the stops to hit my 'weak spots' of vulnerability: money, fear of what other people think, etc. It's payday and he's gone against our agreement to sort finances out today (he usually transfers a certain amount to my account to cover our bills and food, a long-standing agreement) by going out and not doing the transfer...no doubt spending the money...ugh....then saying to me on the phone 'We're going to have a discussion tomorrow and you're not going to like half of it.' (in a threatening way). It's so frustrating and frightening for me.
Any advice on how to deal with this crazy-making stuff? I was doing quite well until today, really...I have a cold and feel run-down, and just don't have my usual resources and strength. I just wish he could handle it all in a mature fashion, but that's ridiculous to hope for, right? I ended up doing something I'm not sure I should've, by phoning his mom tonight to tell her we'd split, and basically telling her my version of things (in as neutral and non-blaming a way as I could). She was shocked and said she'd have to get back to me. I'm not sure why I did it, at the time I was just mad I guess.
It's not going to get better. Do everything you can to move the separation along as quickly as possible.. and most importantly, protect yourself physically, mentally and emotionally.. *hugs*
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by alwaysthinking2
Time to get a lawyer involved.
I agree. When I split from my EXAH, I did so with no notice, none. He was violent, psychotic, and abusive in every sense of the word.
I gambled on him not coming to find me when I moved over 2 hours away and it paid off.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
TakingTime he has to give you money because he has a child with you, its the law, its NOT "how he feels" can you reach out to a lawyer without him knowing of course?
I recall a similar situation months ago.. I can just tell you, as hellish as it was, fast forward and you'll be living in such peace that you will be thankful he left. Its the best you can do for you and your child.
This too shall pass. Its just a transition. And it will be over soon.
Stay strong.
I recall a similar situation months ago.. I can just tell you, as hellish as it was, fast forward and you'll be living in such peace that you will be thankful he left. Its the best you can do for you and your child.
This too shall pass. Its just a transition. And it will be over soon.
Stay strong.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Thanks everyone. I decided to go to the Citizens Advice Bureau and get some advice- I know they can tell you about free legal advice too. Yesterday he eventually agreed to 'let' me have some food money, but only on a week by week basis...I know what that means...the rest will be gone most likely by the time we need it for food. It's all about power and control at the moment...
yes...the 'quacking'....so damn true. He's accusing me of just trying to 'control' him by insisting on money in my account....
I know he 'has' to give me money as we have a child...but he's talking so much bull about why should he service my debts, pay for my overdraft etc...never mind that he's racked up hundreds of pounds of debt on my credit card which guess who is going to have to pay back when we are living separately?
A mutual friend offered him a room for free yesterday until he can get his own place legitimately. He says he'll think about it.
yes...the 'quacking'....so damn true. He's accusing me of just trying to 'control' him by insisting on money in my account....
I know he 'has' to give me money as we have a child...but he's talking so much bull about why should he service my debts, pay for my overdraft etc...never mind that he's racked up hundreds of pounds of debt on my credit card which guess who is going to have to pay back when we are living separately?
A mutual friend offered him a room for free yesterday until he can get his own place legitimately. He says he'll think about it.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thanks for checking in TakingTime. I hope you are able to find the help you need. You do need legal help.
If he incurred any debt on your accounts by forging your name or by insisting your credit be used for his expenses with the agreement that he would pay you back, then he will be held legally responsible for paying you back that part of the debt. You will need copies of receipts with his signature and copies of receipts for expenses that are obviously for him, i.e. motorcycle parts, liqour store receipts, men's clothing, etc. I was able to prove my name was forged to credit convenience checks and my ex has to pay me back every penny. The whopper debt is still in my name, but he is legally obligated to make payments for reimbursement.
If you have any joint accounts, those need to be closed as soon as possible. He may continue to rack up debt that you are obligated to pay.
Are you the financial secretary of this relationship and pay all the household bills? If so, you can take the little grocery money he has given you and put it toward debts in your name. Keep some hidden for groceries but only buy things you and your son need (don't buy his favorite cereal or toiletries). This way any money he gives you will go toward your survival. He has extra money to cover his own bills and groceries so let him. He is an adult and can take care of his own debts.
Please take care of your personal safety. Check out the post by Tallulah and previous posts by Naive. Leaving a relationship with an active alcoholic can be very dangerous. Your personal safety and that of your child is your priority. It is better to over-react on the side of safety.
When my relationship ended, my lawyer advised me to call the police if my estranged husband showed up at the house unexpected and demanding entry. I was also advised to call the police if he showed up under the influence. I had to advise my teenaged children to do the same if I was not home. In my case, we were staying in the family home, temporarily, and the house was in his name. Everything went smoothly in my case, thankfully.
If he incurred any debt on your accounts by forging your name or by insisting your credit be used for his expenses with the agreement that he would pay you back, then he will be held legally responsible for paying you back that part of the debt. You will need copies of receipts with his signature and copies of receipts for expenses that are obviously for him, i.e. motorcycle parts, liqour store receipts, men's clothing, etc. I was able to prove my name was forged to credit convenience checks and my ex has to pay me back every penny. The whopper debt is still in my name, but he is legally obligated to make payments for reimbursement.
If you have any joint accounts, those need to be closed as soon as possible. He may continue to rack up debt that you are obligated to pay.
Are you the financial secretary of this relationship and pay all the household bills? If so, you can take the little grocery money he has given you and put it toward debts in your name. Keep some hidden for groceries but only buy things you and your son need (don't buy his favorite cereal or toiletries). This way any money he gives you will go toward your survival. He has extra money to cover his own bills and groceries so let him. He is an adult and can take care of his own debts.
Please take care of your personal safety. Check out the post by Tallulah and previous posts by Naive. Leaving a relationship with an active alcoholic can be very dangerous. Your personal safety and that of your child is your priority. It is better to over-react on the side of safety.
When my relationship ended, my lawyer advised me to call the police if my estranged husband showed up at the house unexpected and demanding entry. I was also advised to call the police if he showed up under the influence. I had to advise my teenaged children to do the same if I was not home. In my case, we were staying in the family home, temporarily, and the house was in his name. Everything went smoothly in my case, thankfully.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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only buy things you and your son need (don't buy his favorite cereal or toiletries
mine tried to control me through money. there was never enough for food or electricity and if i put £20 in the electricity meter, i could be sure of a row. he always said "we'll get it tomorrow".
i stopped paying any debt which is in his name. mine had a rent aurrears payment and a car insurance payment and i just stopped dealing with them. stopped asking if he had paid them, etc. i knew i was moving so it would be him alone evicted and if the insurance wasn't paid, it would be him fined for it. just some examples.
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Thanks for the suggestions, Pelican, and Naive.
I have just contacted my friend (not a close friend, mind) to ask if I could have the room instead of XABF. She's a single mom so I don't know if she'll want another child and all that entails, in her house, but I figured you can only ask. I've already been receiving offers of temporary places to stay from friends all around the country, none of which I can seriously consider right now as they're too far away and would only isolate me from my support networks here (while my friends are at work all day), but definitely nice to know I have that back up. Also offers of money loans and so on, not that I need any more debt! My mom is sending me some food money as she said she couldn't bear hearing that I might not have enough for food.
I'm going to make sure all the bills are up to date, as a priority, and certainly won't be buying any coffee or the other goods he likes. I'm feeling surprisingly calm considering he is blatantly drinking up our food money in front of my eyes right now. I'm getting to the point where I can't actually STAND the smell of alcohol (and I'm someone who also had my fair share of drinking days), and just don't want to be around it anymore. My X, too, like yours Naive, always tries to put off paying the bills to the point where we receive threatening letters, so that he can have 'cash flow'. This is why I ended up being 'financial secretary' (good term, Pelican) - b/c he cannot handle the finances for obvious reasons.
Gotta go, he's back.
I have just contacted my friend (not a close friend, mind) to ask if I could have the room instead of XABF. She's a single mom so I don't know if she'll want another child and all that entails, in her house, but I figured you can only ask. I've already been receiving offers of temporary places to stay from friends all around the country, none of which I can seriously consider right now as they're too far away and would only isolate me from my support networks here (while my friends are at work all day), but definitely nice to know I have that back up. Also offers of money loans and so on, not that I need any more debt! My mom is sending me some food money as she said she couldn't bear hearing that I might not have enough for food.
I'm going to make sure all the bills are up to date, as a priority, and certainly won't be buying any coffee or the other goods he likes. I'm feeling surprisingly calm considering he is blatantly drinking up our food money in front of my eyes right now. I'm getting to the point where I can't actually STAND the smell of alcohol (and I'm someone who also had my fair share of drinking days), and just don't want to be around it anymore. My X, too, like yours Naive, always tries to put off paying the bills to the point where we receive threatening letters, so that he can have 'cash flow'. This is why I ended up being 'financial secretary' (good term, Pelican) - b/c he cannot handle the finances for obvious reasons.
Gotta go, he's back.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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hi taking time-
i am relieved to hear that you have offers with far away friends. this is a good fallback position if you need to leave quickly.
i found that once i took my stand and started taking my steps to move on, my alcoholic realized i was serious and got crazier and drank heavier.
it would be good to have a "i have to flee in 15 minutes" plan. hopefully, you won't have to execute it but you will be more peaceful knowing that you could if a situation arose.
my "i have to leave in 15 minutes" plan consisted of some cash, my passport and birth certificate, my important phone numbers and account numbers all written on one piece of paper, a coat, a sweater, socks and underwear in a small backpack. i packed these items and gave them to my downstairs neighbor to store for me and he gave me his house key.
as for the people offering you loans but you not wanting more debt. there is a solution here: tell the people who have offered that you will not be able to repay the debt. and if they still offer you the money, take it.
this will require some humility on your part. you will discofer, as i did, that people want to help you.
people offered me money, because they could see for themselves what was happening. i took it because i needed it to, xABF had gone through all my funds, accrued a bundh of deft and was drinking our living money, as yours is. the people of this town could see that he was drinking and i was struggling to keep the basics going.
most of the time, these people can give you some money without really missing it. they aren't going to go hungry because they have helped you.
as for moving money quickly between countries, i use the post. post only one small bill per envelope. have them put the small bill in an envelope and post it. you will get it quickly, in a few days, and you can change the currency at the post office for free.
i am like you, most of my friends and family were outside the uk. it is not a big deal to anyone to put some small bill of their currency in an envelope and drop it in the mail. you can get the mail and buy food with it and pay your bills.
i have never had the card go missing (well, except when xABF got the post first!). the postal system seems very reliable in this way. and if it is lost, it's only a small bill anyway.
my mom sents me £20 in the post every monday. so many weeks, that card arriving kept the electricity on. i am back on my feet now but i remain grateful to those who flew to my assistance.
giving and receiving are a two way energy. in order to get into the universal flow one must be able to receive, as well as give. you have the Truth on your side as you are the sober, loving custodian of your child and what you receive, you receive also on his behalf and because of that, the universe is on your side and at your back and just waiting for you to ASK.
i am relieved to hear that you have offers with far away friends. this is a good fallback position if you need to leave quickly.
i found that once i took my stand and started taking my steps to move on, my alcoholic realized i was serious and got crazier and drank heavier.
it would be good to have a "i have to flee in 15 minutes" plan. hopefully, you won't have to execute it but you will be more peaceful knowing that you could if a situation arose.
my "i have to leave in 15 minutes" plan consisted of some cash, my passport and birth certificate, my important phone numbers and account numbers all written on one piece of paper, a coat, a sweater, socks and underwear in a small backpack. i packed these items and gave them to my downstairs neighbor to store for me and he gave me his house key.
as for the people offering you loans but you not wanting more debt. there is a solution here: tell the people who have offered that you will not be able to repay the debt. and if they still offer you the money, take it.
this will require some humility on your part. you will discofer, as i did, that people want to help you.
people offered me money, because they could see for themselves what was happening. i took it because i needed it to, xABF had gone through all my funds, accrued a bundh of deft and was drinking our living money, as yours is. the people of this town could see that he was drinking and i was struggling to keep the basics going.
most of the time, these people can give you some money without really missing it. they aren't going to go hungry because they have helped you.
as for moving money quickly between countries, i use the post. post only one small bill per envelope. have them put the small bill in an envelope and post it. you will get it quickly, in a few days, and you can change the currency at the post office for free.
i am like you, most of my friends and family were outside the uk. it is not a big deal to anyone to put some small bill of their currency in an envelope and drop it in the mail. you can get the mail and buy food with it and pay your bills.
i have never had the card go missing (well, except when xABF got the post first!). the postal system seems very reliable in this way. and if it is lost, it's only a small bill anyway.
my mom sents me £20 in the post every monday. so many weeks, that card arriving kept the electricity on. i am back on my feet now but i remain grateful to those who flew to my assistance.
giving and receiving are a two way energy. in order to get into the universal flow one must be able to receive, as well as give. you have the Truth on your side as you are the sober, loving custodian of your child and what you receive, you receive also on his behalf and because of that, the universe is on your side and at your back and just waiting for you to ASK.
Last edited by naive; 08-03-2009 at 02:22 AM.
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hi again-
i feel to add, since you mentioned that you drink also, that i had a lot more clarity about the tragedy unfolding in my home when i quit drinking altogether.
first, i made the decision that i would never have another drink with my alcoholic. that felt really good.
then, i went to the local AA meeting, as there was no alanon in my town, and said i wanted to not drink anymore myself and i needed help because alcohol was making my life unmanageable. i found some understanding of my situation there, in many ways, including understanding the disease which had a grip on my loved one.
i feel to add, since you mentioned that you drink also, that i had a lot more clarity about the tragedy unfolding in my home when i quit drinking altogether.
first, i made the decision that i would never have another drink with my alcoholic. that felt really good.
then, i went to the local AA meeting, as there was no alanon in my town, and said i wanted to not drink anymore myself and i needed help because alcohol was making my life unmanageable. i found some understanding of my situation there, in many ways, including understanding the disease which had a grip on my loved one.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Thanks, Naive. I think you're right, to be prepared for the worst even if it scares me to think of it. He is so unpredictable at the moment.
Yes, I will probably have to take risks and be humble - asking people for support etc. I really liked what you said about the give and take, and being open to receive, and how I deserve that. I guess XABF's twisting words blaming me for everything are hard to not assimilate entirely - even though I'm very certain now that my decision is the right one, it's still a bit of a leap for me to believe I deserve help and support.
As for my own drinking - that was before my son was born. That is when things really started to go downhill with XABF, because when I was pregnant I could no longer 'join him' in the drinking (which even before my pregnancy, I had started to realise was way beyond just 'having a few drinks'), then I was breastfeeding (still am), and so on...so alcohol and me have a very different relationship these days. I've also become a Buddhist so for me, keeping a clear and sober mind is a big part of my values. I do however recognise that I've had a dysfunctional 'pull' to alcohol and drugs in the past, and going to Al-Anon has helped me to understand that more, and where it comes from (as well as some open AA meetings). It's not surprising really that we were drawn to one another, even though I find my head going through a lot of 'how could i have been so dumb as to have a baby with this guy' etc kind of stuff.
The hardest thing right now is the obsessional thinking - my head isn't in a very good place, b/c it feels so overwhelming, all the things I need to sort out and feeling worried about money, etc.
Yes, I will probably have to take risks and be humble - asking people for support etc. I really liked what you said about the give and take, and being open to receive, and how I deserve that. I guess XABF's twisting words blaming me for everything are hard to not assimilate entirely - even though I'm very certain now that my decision is the right one, it's still a bit of a leap for me to believe I deserve help and support.
As for my own drinking - that was before my son was born. That is when things really started to go downhill with XABF, because when I was pregnant I could no longer 'join him' in the drinking (which even before my pregnancy, I had started to realise was way beyond just 'having a few drinks'), then I was breastfeeding (still am), and so on...so alcohol and me have a very different relationship these days. I've also become a Buddhist so for me, keeping a clear and sober mind is a big part of my values. I do however recognise that I've had a dysfunctional 'pull' to alcohol and drugs in the past, and going to Al-Anon has helped me to understand that more, and where it comes from (as well as some open AA meetings). It's not surprising really that we were drawn to one another, even though I find my head going through a lot of 'how could i have been so dumb as to have a baby with this guy' etc kind of stuff.
The hardest thing right now is the obsessional thinking - my head isn't in a very good place, b/c it feels so overwhelming, all the things I need to sort out and feeling worried about money, etc.
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Just a quick update - the mutual friend has said me and my son can stay at hers, and we can meet to discuss it soon. Whew! It will be so great to get out of this environment. And also, I can try out living with another mom and see what it's like, as it's something I'm considering for the future to reduce my isolation and increase my son's sense of community.
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that's good. you might want to impress on her that you need to leave immediately, if possible, because the situation at home is not healthy.
even if it is just temporary for a week or two, it will give you some breathing space.
i don't really understand why you have to meet and discuss anything. why not simply pack a small bag for a day or two and go? you can always work out the rest later...
expect your A to turn in his tracks, get down on bended knee and promise the sun and the moon while also continuing to drink...
naive
even if it is just temporary for a week or two, it will give you some breathing space.
i don't really understand why you have to meet and discuss anything. why not simply pack a small bag for a day or two and go? you can always work out the rest later...
expect your A to turn in his tracks, get down on bended knee and promise the sun and the moon while also continuing to drink...
naive
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Posts: 72
Originally Posted by TakingTime
I'm just scared that when he's physically not here at all (much as I want that), he will not give me ANY money whatsoever (I'm a stay at home mom and am currently working towards receiving some government benefit...it's a long story), b/c he can say 'why should I pay for you now we don't live together'. Logic doesn't come into it, with him. The disease speaks louder and louder.
How are you planning on supporting yourself when you split? Can you work, or do you have another plan? I'm afraid I'm coming at this from the point of view of being the working spouse...
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Well, I'm the primary caretaker of our nearly 2 year old, and here in the UK single parents are paid to stay at home with their children until 12 years of age. So I would get govt benefits once we split and all my papers are in order. I do plan to work in the long-term, once I can make use of free nursery school from about 3 years old. We're in a limbo situation though where I'm not yet entitled to benefit until my papers come through, hence having to find somewhere free to stay for now.
Naive, I have to give this friend some time b/c she's finishing a hectic work thing off this week and is under a lot of pressure. She also doesn't know me *that* well, we're more acquaintances really, but I've kept in contact with her more over the past year than XABF has. She doesn't know the full score with him, as in what his problem is, so doesn't quite see the urgency yet. I'm OK at the moment b/c he's working long hours this week so I'll barely see him.
Next scary thing is, his parents have decided to drive 4 hours down to us and come and see us in 2 days time. Ugh! I don't know what they plan to do - mediate between us? try to convince me to stay? or just take his side - I have no idea really, but it fills me with dread. Gonna have to think through what I will say and be prepared for anything I guess...but really just don't want to see them at all.
Naive, I have to give this friend some time b/c she's finishing a hectic work thing off this week and is under a lot of pressure. She also doesn't know me *that* well, we're more acquaintances really, but I've kept in contact with her more over the past year than XABF has. She doesn't know the full score with him, as in what his problem is, so doesn't quite see the urgency yet. I'm OK at the moment b/c he's working long hours this week so I'll barely see him.
Next scary thing is, his parents have decided to drive 4 hours down to us and come and see us in 2 days time. Ugh! I don't know what they plan to do - mediate between us? try to convince me to stay? or just take his side - I have no idea really, but it fills me with dread. Gonna have to think through what I will say and be prepared for anything I guess...but really just don't want to see them at all.
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