Wife of functional alcoholic. Any advice?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 45
Sorry Still Waters...I am trying to figure out this how to reply to stuff. Below was for you...
Thank you for your comments. Reading these messages really help me. I understand. I am talking to a counselor, things are going pretty well. We are meeting next Tuesday and I know it is going to be a tough conversation. We are reading a book called "Life Strategies" by Dr. Phil. We are walking through it chapter by chapter. I recently did assignment #6 in this book and it was a tough one. I had to face a lot of my issues and put them down on paper. Reading over my answers to this assignment was tough. It actually made me angry at me and my AH.
If you don't mind me asking. What was the situation with your AH?
Thank you for your comments. Reading these messages really help me. I understand. I am talking to a counselor, things are going pretty well. We are meeting next Tuesday and I know it is going to be a tough conversation. We are reading a book called "Life Strategies" by Dr. Phil. We are walking through it chapter by chapter. I recently did assignment #6 in this book and it was a tough one. I had to face a lot of my issues and put them down on paper. Reading over my answers to this assignment was tough. It actually made me angry at me and my AH.
If you don't mind me asking. What was the situation with your AH?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I appreciate what everyone is saying in this thread. I would like to add, though, that we are each on our own individual journies. Make sure you know your OWN dreams, desires, values, motivations. Your husband is just like my Dad, CAAW. He has been sitting in his chair, drinking and smoking, straight, 24/7 for at least 20 years. Before that (age 50) he was more like your husband is right now, getting up, going to work, coming home, opening a beer and sitting down. Wouldn't eat with us.
But like my Mom says and like my Mom lives (they're still married and still live together), her life is not about HIM. That is HIS choice. You don't indicate that he is physically harming you or your kids, or doing anything other than sitting there. Is that the kind of relationship you want? Are you getting your HUMAN needs met the way you are living your life right now? Is he the ONLY person you are trying to make a connection with ? Sure, your relationship SHOULD BE something more, if that is what you value. But, your marriage relationship is not the only thing in life. Personally, I'd leave, as many women have. But I'm not married and I don't have kids and I'm completely self-supporting. Everyone has to consider their OWN selves, their own morals/values, and their own abilities. Sometimes people get sober. Sometimes people don't. Sometimes people get sober and then go back. Follow your heart.
Live YOUR life as fully as you can. Chase dreams, grow yourself, have fun, no matter what HE does.
But like my Mom says and like my Mom lives (they're still married and still live together), her life is not about HIM. That is HIS choice. You don't indicate that he is physically harming you or your kids, or doing anything other than sitting there. Is that the kind of relationship you want? Are you getting your HUMAN needs met the way you are living your life right now? Is he the ONLY person you are trying to make a connection with ? Sure, your relationship SHOULD BE something more, if that is what you value. But, your marriage relationship is not the only thing in life. Personally, I'd leave, as many women have. But I'm not married and I don't have kids and I'm completely self-supporting. Everyone has to consider their OWN selves, their own morals/values, and their own abilities. Sometimes people get sober. Sometimes people don't. Sometimes people get sober and then go back. Follow your heart.
Live YOUR life as fully as you can. Chase dreams, grow yourself, have fun, no matter what HE does.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
The situation:
AH is a dry drunk. After extensive surgery due to the damage to his pancreas due to alcoholism, and a stay in rehab and a halfway house - he was abusive. He was abusive while IN the rehab LOL. It's all me you see, I'm the one that needs help.
So, I left. My daughter and I packed up what would fit in our vehicle and left.
And, the abuse continues. Even though I've only had contact with him once since then (about ten months), he abuses in any way he can find.
My counselor kept asking me, "What's your plan?". At that time I could barely get dressed in the morning, I was so sick with it all. I had little access to any of the money, and he kept the registration and insurance information out of the vehicle....but I left anyway. It wasn't getting any better, and there was no discussing it with my AH. Nothing changes if nothing changes right?
AH is a dry drunk. After extensive surgery due to the damage to his pancreas due to alcoholism, and a stay in rehab and a halfway house - he was abusive. He was abusive while IN the rehab LOL. It's all me you see, I'm the one that needs help.
So, I left. My daughter and I packed up what would fit in our vehicle and left.
And, the abuse continues. Even though I've only had contact with him once since then (about ten months), he abuses in any way he can find.
My counselor kept asking me, "What's your plan?". At that time I could barely get dressed in the morning, I was so sick with it all. I had little access to any of the money, and he kept the registration and insurance information out of the vehicle....but I left anyway. It wasn't getting any better, and there was no discussing it with my AH. Nothing changes if nothing changes right?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
caaw, your situation is also similar to mine. He was functioning, meaning he worked and played sports but all of his social time was about drinking. Until well drunk. When I got pregnant he stayed home more, in the basement at the computer, getting liquored and listening to music. Didn't do this on weekdays either, only weekends. But as a member here put it once - the drinking weaves itself into the very fabric of your whole life. It wasn't just the 1 or 2 nights. It hung between us as a wall. We disconnected. I was angry, anxious, we had a small baby. When I came home with a friend once who was visiting from out of town and walked in on him wasted at 8pm on a Tuesday night, I'd had enough and went to Al Anon. I cannot tell you how that program helped me regain my life. 6 months later, after another incident, I told him to leave. He got sober instead, now 8 months, and although we are still struggling through learning a new life with his sobriety, he is a new man. He struggles daily but he is present for me and my daughter, clear-headed, healthier.
But we were on this rollercoaster for years. I tried lots of things, until Al Anon taught me that it wasn't about fixing him, it was about reclaiming my own life and sanity. And when I did that, he didn't want to be left in the dust. In your initial post you said you were going to give him an ultimatum. Those don't work because it forces someone's hand. You may get a result but it will be short-lived because the person didn't act on their own. In Al Anon I learned to focus on myself, my life, my baby girl, and started letting go of what I didn't want - his drinking and all that came with it. I stopped putting him to bed. If he passed out on the kitchen floor that's where he woke up - with my and the baby getting breakfast. Stopping being the enabler gave me a whole new feeling of control and sanity in my own life, and it did wonders on him too - all of a sudden he wasn't so comfy with his way of life and he could see I was moving away from him and he wasn't coming along. Following a bad drinking incident I told him I'd had enough and wanted him to leave. No ultimatum. I didn't tell him to get help because it's not up to me. I did what I had to do, period. He could do whatever he wanted. In my case he chose to get help; some don't. But the difference with the ultimatum is that you don't make anyone else's choice but your own.
I was prepared to leave him because his dad was an A, and I see how he was so strongly affected. I didn't want that for my daughter and she gave me the strength to do it, despite my fears of being a single parent and still loving him. We do what we have to for ourselves. I was through settling for what I had, it was a shell of a marriage. And today he is sober and we are working on things. It can change tomorrow but I take it one day at a time. Please think of yourself and your children first; you deserve it. That thought process will take you down the road of where you need to go and the answers will come.
But we were on this rollercoaster for years. I tried lots of things, until Al Anon taught me that it wasn't about fixing him, it was about reclaiming my own life and sanity. And when I did that, he didn't want to be left in the dust. In your initial post you said you were going to give him an ultimatum. Those don't work because it forces someone's hand. You may get a result but it will be short-lived because the person didn't act on their own. In Al Anon I learned to focus on myself, my life, my baby girl, and started letting go of what I didn't want - his drinking and all that came with it. I stopped putting him to bed. If he passed out on the kitchen floor that's where he woke up - with my and the baby getting breakfast. Stopping being the enabler gave me a whole new feeling of control and sanity in my own life, and it did wonders on him too - all of a sudden he wasn't so comfy with his way of life and he could see I was moving away from him and he wasn't coming along. Following a bad drinking incident I told him I'd had enough and wanted him to leave. No ultimatum. I didn't tell him to get help because it's not up to me. I did what I had to do, period. He could do whatever he wanted. In my case he chose to get help; some don't. But the difference with the ultimatum is that you don't make anyone else's choice but your own.
I was prepared to leave him because his dad was an A, and I see how he was so strongly affected. I didn't want that for my daughter and she gave me the strength to do it, despite my fears of being a single parent and still loving him. We do what we have to for ourselves. I was through settling for what I had, it was a shell of a marriage. And today he is sober and we are working on things. It can change tomorrow but I take it one day at a time. Please think of yourself and your children first; you deserve it. That thought process will take you down the road of where you need to go and the answers will come.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 74
CAAW,
Just this summer I truly admitted (when it hit me in the face) that my husband was a "functioning alcoholic" who was having trouble "functioning" anymore. My wake-up call brought me to a counselor, ALANON, and this website. The responses and support here, have been the most supportive I could ever have asked for.
Today in the news was a dreadful event that (if true to the toxicology report on the news) cost innocent people their lives. That was more than enough for me to renew my vow that I will not let my AH hurt me or my family again. I only pray that he is listening to the news as well. My detachment from him is the only thing keeping me close to my HP and to my true self.
Do what you need to do for yourself. Until he is ready, you can't change....try reading CoDependent No More by Beattie.
Just this summer I truly admitted (when it hit me in the face) that my husband was a "functioning alcoholic" who was having trouble "functioning" anymore. My wake-up call brought me to a counselor, ALANON, and this website. The responses and support here, have been the most supportive I could ever have asked for.
Today in the news was a dreadful event that (if true to the toxicology report on the news) cost innocent people their lives. That was more than enough for me to renew my vow that I will not let my AH hurt me or my family again. I only pray that he is listening to the news as well. My detachment from him is the only thing keeping me close to my HP and to my true self.
Do what you need to do for yourself. Until he is ready, you can't change....try reading CoDependent No More by Beattie.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
My parents were both heavy drinkers. My husband and I were both heavy drinkers the entire time our children were growing up. I will never know what my children would have been like if they had not been raised by drunks.
In 20 years from now you can either look back and say "I did everything in my power to raise them in a healthy environment"
or you can look back and say "How many of their problems did I cause, how much damage have I done"
In 20 years from now you can either look back and say "I did everything in my power to raise them in a healthy environment"
or you can look back and say "How many of their problems did I cause, how much damage have I done"
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet 
My parents were both heavy drinkers. My husband and I were both heavy drinkers the entire time our children were growing up. I will never know what my children would have been like if they had not been raised by drunks.
In 20 years from now you can either look back and say "I did everything in my power to raise them in a healthy environment"
or you can look back and say "How many of their problems did I cause, how much damage have I done"
In 20 years from now you can either look back and say "I did everything in my power to raise them in a healthy environment"
or you can look back and say "How many of their problems did I cause, how much damage have I done"
Powerful, powerful stuff gypsy.
Thank you for this.
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I believe that our children really aren't our own, but a gift from God to love and raise the best that we can.
My 31 year old AD spent the first 8 years of living with the insanity of alcoholism/addiction.
Even after I got clean/sober, I refused to work on my codependency issues and she lived with that for 8 more years. I kept choosing unhealthy men in relationships, and my parenting was not a high priority.
She actively drinks/uses. She's engaged to a convicted child molester currently serving time in the penitentiary. She lost custody of her children when she overdosed in front of them.
She has told me she doesn't remember a lot of what happened those first 8 years, and I believe her. I think it's a coping mechanism to block it out.
What legacy do you want to leave to your children?
My 31 year old AD spent the first 8 years of living with the insanity of alcoholism/addiction.
Even after I got clean/sober, I refused to work on my codependency issues and she lived with that for 8 more years. I kept choosing unhealthy men in relationships, and my parenting was not a high priority.
She actively drinks/uses. She's engaged to a convicted child molester currently serving time in the penitentiary. She lost custody of her children when she overdosed in front of them.
She has told me she doesn't remember a lot of what happened those first 8 years, and I believe her. I think it's a coping mechanism to block it out.
What legacy do you want to leave to your children?
Why don't you start a new thread and introduce yourself?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 1
Hi C,
Your entry was the first one I read and partially the reason why I joined. I know this post is a few years old and I have no idea if you still come onto this site, but I hope that you do and that we can exchange notes through this site. I will write more when I hear back.
Thank you!
F
Your entry was the first one I read and partially the reason why I joined. I know this post is a few years old and I have no idea if you still come onto this site, but I hope that you do and that we can exchange notes through this site. I will write more when I hear back.
Thank you!
F
Member
Join Date: May 2023
Posts: 1
Need advice
I have been married for 19 years. My husband started drinking about 3 years ago. We have two kids age 10 and 14. He drinks about 5 beers per day during week night but about 12 per day Friday to Sunday. We work part during the week but when he sees me and the kids on weekends he will go to dinner with us or a movie but will drink a lot. He works full time. It seems he just prioritizes drinking over me and the kids. I don’t like that the kids see him drink. I’ve told him that that but he just says I’m overreacting. I’ve tried to tell him how I feel but he doesn’t really listen
my question is if we decide to separate how does judge see this for custody I still want my kids to see their dad but I would worry if something happened and he was too drunk to drive them somewhere or tried to drive them somewhere after drinking a few beers. Any advice from anyone? Haven’t really seen a counselor I’m embarrassed to discuss it.
my question is if we decide to separate how does judge see this for custody I still want my kids to see their dad but I would worry if something happened and he was too drunk to drive them somewhere or tried to drive them somewhere after drinking a few beers. Any advice from anyone? Haven’t really seen a counselor I’m embarrassed to discuss it.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by Tmc1978
I have been married for 19 years. My husband started drinking about 3 years ago. We have two kids age 10 and 14. He drinks about 5 beers per day during week night but about 12 per day Friday to Sunday. We work part during the week but when he sees me and the kids on weekends he will go to dinner with us or a movie but will drink a lot. He works full time. It seems he just prioritizes drinking over me and the kids. I don’t like that the kids see him drink. I’ve told him that that but he just says I’m overreacting. I’ve tried to tell him how I feel but he doesn’t really listen
my question is if we decide to separate how does judge see this for custody I still want my kids to see their dad but I would worry if something happened and he was too drunk to drive them somewhere or tried to drive them somewhere after drinking a few beers. Any advice from anyone? Haven’t really seen a counselor I’m embarrassed to discuss it.
my question is if we decide to separate how does judge see this for custody I still want my kids to see their dad but I would worry if something happened and he was too drunk to drive them somewhere or tried to drive them somewhere after drinking a few beers. Any advice from anyone? Haven’t really seen a counselor I’m embarrassed to discuss it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
TMC - I also hope you start a new thread so more people can support you with their Experience, Strength, and Hope.
"Haven’t really seen a counselor I’m embarrassed to discuss it."
This is a safe space to share - collectively we've seen it all. Shame is one of the pillars of addiction/alcoholism - it works for Team Alcohol to often keep us trapped in a spiral of inaction, blinding us to our actual freedom of choice for ourselves.
You're so right to be concerned about your kids and what they are learning. I've often wondered if my 3 bros wouldn't have ended up as alcoholics if someone, anyone, (but especially MOM!) had been open and honest about what was happening in our family and had protected us from my father's alcoholism and all its damaging effects. I'll never know because Mom, the sober parent, never ever when we were kids (and to this day!) dealt with her codependence, her shame, her rage, and her enabling and denial.
Glad you're here - the past is gone - you are free in THIS moment.
Peace,
B.
"Haven’t really seen a counselor I’m embarrassed to discuss it."
This is a safe space to share - collectively we've seen it all. Shame is one of the pillars of addiction/alcoholism - it works for Team Alcohol to often keep us trapped in a spiral of inaction, blinding us to our actual freedom of choice for ourselves.
You're so right to be concerned about your kids and what they are learning. I've often wondered if my 3 bros wouldn't have ended up as alcoholics if someone, anyone, (but especially MOM!) had been open and honest about what was happening in our family and had protected us from my father's alcoholism and all its damaging effects. I'll never know because Mom, the sober parent, never ever when we were kids (and to this day!) dealt with her codependence, her shame, her rage, and her enabling and denial.
Glad you're here - the past is gone - you are free in THIS moment.
Peace,
B.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
