Rhs

A friend of mine has been sober for over 4 years. When he was using he would messsge me saying he wanted to be a woman, and use a woman’s name and different of speaking. Since he’s been clean he doesn’t messsge me like this anymore. But just this evening he sent me a message saying he was struggling using the same language he used to message me when he was high. He deleted the message immediately and then hasn’t responded to me again. I’m so scared he’s fallen off the wagon but I’m not sure if it’s too much to ask him outright or if I should wait for him to talk to me? Any help so appreciated

Bekindalways

Hi RHS, he may have fallen off the wagon or not.

We here on Friends and Family usually advise staying on your own side of the street. It sounds like your friend has a tough row to hoe. He no doubt knows the best way to go about living his life no matter how much he struggles. Asking about his sobriety won't really help him. He has to do it on his own.

It sounds like you have known him a long time and are trying to be a good friend.

Hawkeye13

What does your gut tell you to do? That’s usually the best thing.

Bekind is giving you the most sensible advice, which would be the consensus here as she said.

If it was me and I considered this person a fairly close friend with whom I shared some trust / rapport, I would reach out kindly and express my concern and encourage them to let you know what’s going on.

trailmix

Yes, I would too. I would just say - you can talk to me about anything.

velma929

Post widowhood (was married to my AH for 25 years) I dated a man I thought had a drinking problem. It never occured to me to ask;

If he didn't have a problem he'd say he didn't have a problem.
If he DID have a problem, he'd say he didn't have a problem.

Bernadette

When I get those kind of texts or emails or voice messages from one of my A brothers that just has that "sound of drinking" aspect to it, I don't ask about their drinking. I just say "Hey, everything OK? Sending you love."

They know how to reach me. They know they can tell me anything.

I know that I am not the best person for them to come to if their trouble is they have fallen off the wagon. Other alcoholics in recovery are the best people for that, and a strong recovery usually involves the alcoholic having connections with those very people to reach out to and check in with.

Just like here we get strength and wisdom from folks who recognize our internal struggles dealing with a loved one's addiction. I can't reach out to my alcoholic brothers for advice on that!!

I hope your friend is safe and has the support they need. And I wish the same for you - stick around, we've seen it all here, and the serene strength of people who have chosen to get off that emotional roller coaster, to let go and detach with love, is what gets me through the night sometimes!

Peace,
B

silentrun

I think it's a bad idea to ask someone. If they do admit then it opens you up to lots of things like them thinking it's OK for them to drunk dial you or drink in front of you. Having the person try and hide puts some boundaries that they may try and maintain. If they know you know they may expect some kind of pushback and take a lack of that as permission. There isn't anything you can do anyway. If it's a relapse he knows where he needs to go and that's with other people that he can relate to and be completely honest about his feelings without fear of freaking someone out because we're all in the same boat. I had a really bad mental episode at four months sober. I call it PAWS. I wasn't making sense and my husband asked me if I had been drinking. Think about that. You are saying to the person that their words make so little sense that it sounds like they are drunk. That's fine if they are but not OK if they aren't.