TakingTime

Just an update - he didn't come home at all yesterday and I woke up this morning feeling something had shifted. A sense of peace, and as if the house really was, for the time being, my own. Later I got a message on my landline phone saying he was 'heartbroken, depressed, gone away for a while'. Don't know how long, but I feel relieved that he has finally taken the step of leaving, and given me some space (even if it was with the papers!)

I also looked through more jointly filed papers last night and found some of his bank statements and payslips, although not the most recent ones, so I think that, combined with my parents' statements etc, should suffice for my application. I feel like now that I don't have to dread his coming back any minute, I can just get on with the day and enjoy it now (and it's nice and sunny!)

naive

that's a nice turn of events. enjoy the peace !

TakingTime

Well, he came back today after ringing to say he'd 'had a word with himself' and was feeling a bit better, and wouldn't be obnoxious to me anymore. I really could've done with him staying away longer than 2 days! He has been civil enough but I still feel loads better when he's not here, it's like I just can't be myself when he's around.

Things are really moving fast and my Higher Power seems to be backing me up amazingly! The employment agency I registered with a few days ago contacted me about the (only) job I've officially applied for, and said they're very interested, certain things on my CV made me stand out from the rest, and they want to interview me this week! It's 3 days a week, which is one more day than I wanted to work, but good pay and realistically I need to work that much to survive until I have access to benefits.

Also I checked my bank acct this morning and there was a huge deposit there from the housing benefit people -t urned out they had been underpaying us for months and now refunded us with a lump sum! Just at a time when I really need extra money. I'm sure XABF is going to try to insist on having half of the extra, (unfort he got to the post before me, so saw the letter of notification about it) but I'm going to try and stand firm and say I need to keep it, seeing as he's been drinking the food money and has debt in my name that he won't pay off once we live apart. The money will really come in handy for tiding me over.

I'm really starting to believe in this HP stuff...my faith feels stronger...now I just have to hand over the childcare situation and pray to find a lovely person my son can trust...I'm scared b/c he's never been good at being left with people unless he knows them very well...he's very attached to me and I've always been with him most of the time. But I feel like I have little choice here but to work.

Pelican

Is he entitled to any of the housing benefit? Isn't it in your account because it belongs to you and your son?

Please don't let yourself be manipulated out of money you and your son will need to survive. I'm sure his showing up and being nice are temporary. He will start quacking loudly when he meets resistance.

Thanks for the update. It looks like things are falling into place for you. Take care!

naive

taking time-

the path of surrender to one's hp means to have absolute faith that one will be looked after.

if it were me, i would not hold onto his half of the housing money if he is entitled to it based on how you agreed to operate a household prior. act fairly even if he does not.

you will be much more peaceful if you don't try to hold onto things.

TakingTime

Thanks, Pelican and Naive. I do feel in my gut that it'd be the right thing to do, ethically, to share the money with him, but as I know it will mostly be drunk and smoked, and he does owe me money that he'll prob never pay back...well, it feels kind of like I'm taking HP's gift to me and throwing it back...it feels kind of like a foolish thing to do, you know? I haven't decided yet - he's not brought it up yet, so I'm biding my time. He has the paperwork so he can see for himself that we were paid extra.

Yesterday I came home and he quickly ran to the PC and pressed a lot of buttons - it looked as if he was trying to clear the history or something, b/c I quickly glanced at the screen and saw a dating website. Then this morning when I was going through my own past history for yesterday (I usually clear stuff like this site so he can't see it), I saw there was nothing like that on the history - hhhmmm. I'm a little surprised that he might already be looking for another possible enabler...he claims to be so in love with me and so heartbroken, it's a bit weird...but I know from reading others' posts on here that it's not uncommon alcoholic behaviour.

ANyway things still moving quickly on the job front, was called for an interview y.day which may happen today or next week, and also applied for another job. My gut is telling me, though, that I still don't want to put my son in childcare until he is 3, (he's nearly 2 now),he still gets a lot of separation anxiety, and that he's in no way ready...and that I can still find a way around this without doing so. don't know how...but HP, help please!

Crazy4Him

Oh my GOD they are so transparent it's hysterical! He just HAPPENS to leave the dating website open on the PC and just HAPPENS to remember to clear out the history when you come walking through the door, RUNS to the computer to get your attention knowing that you're going to get a good look at the screen before he has time to close it. Ugh. It's a game. He knows exactly what he is doing. Trying to scare you into changing your mind. Once my ex told me that he was going to have to leave the state because I wouldn't help him pay any of the bills he'd pilled up over a month of drinking. I called his bluff and, guess what? He got out a loan. Months later I told him that I knew he wasn't leaving the state but was just playing a game and trying to scare me. He blushed and said, "Yeah, sorry." Not sorry. Not cute. Manipulative, perfectly in keeping I guess. I'm proud of myself for calling his bluff (the one thing I did right in our relationship was never, ever lending him money) and you'll be proud of yourself for not taking the dating website "bait".

Nope. Once he realizes that this is really happening (he seems to think there is still room to "fix" his enabler) he probably will start searching for a new victim and with vigor! What's good is that you wont have to be around to witness it, right?

My ex used to always say, "If you leave me I'll never date another woman again. I give up. I'm done." They really, really think we're stupid! Or at least mine thought I was, and that was my biggest motivator to stay the hell away from him. To remain would be an insult to myself and my mother, cause she didn't raise no fool!

I'm sorry that you have to jump through flaming hoops just to get rid of this freakin man. Proud of you, you are so strong!