naive

takingtime-

if you don't want to host his parents, then tell them so. you could simply tell them that you feel overloaded right now and its not a good time for visitors.

or, if they insist that they want to see their son, they could book a hotel and then they can all get together at the hotel, or at a restaurant or whatever.

you are a free person, right now, in this very moment (as bernadette always reminds us) and it is your life. if you don't want outside pressure from people, then you don't have to *pretend* to be gracious about them butting in where THEY WERE NOT INVITED.

stand up for yourself. you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. it's between you, your baby and god and that's the extent of your responsibilities.

you could tell them that a better time to visit would be after you have left. then they can come and sort out xABF to their heart's content.

naive

TakingTime

Thanks Naive. I needed that! They're not going to be staying overnights at our house, they'll be at XABF's sister's, but apparently they want to come have dinner at our house! Shudders. An Al Anon friend also suggested meeting on neutral ground. But I don't want to meet with them at all.

It's just that I feel, by phoning his mom and telling her the news, and some of his devious deeds, I HAVE made it their business, somehow. I have trouble setting boundaries in this area. I may just say, I will be out if you're coming for dinner, and go to a nearby friend's house. They'll want to see my son though.

naive

why don't you try speaking plainly to them?

you did not invite them over for dinner. they are imposing themselves upon you.

since you cannot leave the baby with xABF (as he drinks and smokes weed while looking after the baby) you have a few options:

1. they don't see the baby. they are not here to see the baby. they are coming to deal with the mess their son has created with his drinking.

2. the sister can come and collect the baby prior to their arrival (hey, they could even babysit overnight) and you go out and enjoy yourself with a friend.

3. some other solution we haven't thought of yet...

Techie1701

You get paid to stay at home with the baby until they are 12? I hadn't heard of that.

TakingTime

Naive - thanks for the suggestions. I am actually considering having this chat with them and being very clear on my decision not being negotiable. I have been writing a list of all the things that make living with XABF intolerable, and which clearly spell 'alcoholic', just to sort of strengthen myself (not that I plan to read it out or anything, but it helps me to have things solid in my mind). I think if I avoid them it may just look as if I am afraid of dealing with it, and then they'll all be able to say whatever they want in my absence, without me being there to have my say.

TakingTime

Well, there's a welfare/social security system here in the UK that provides living allowances for single parents and their children. From the age of 12 you have to go back to work, and they're slowly bringing that age back further and further. But for now that's not a problem for me since my little one's not even two yet. It's not great money by any means but enough to survive on. Right now, if my calculations are correct, it would leave me with more money than I have living with my XABF and his now drinking the money up. At least my money would be mine, and I'd be able to budget it without anyone else getting their hands on it.

naive

hi taking time-

that sounds like a good idea, to have the conversation with them. i agree, it will look like your running scared otherwise.

of course, this conversation doesn't have to occur in your home over dinner that you're too frazzled to make.

you could just call the mom on the phone, even today, and explain yourself to her. i do feel that you owe her that, as you did get her involved with the previous call.

these types of things are best done immediately. then, the stress and pressure is removed. to delay means that you continue to suffer under this pressure.

just remember. it's your life, it's your house and its your baby. you are in charge here.

while i imagine that the parents are just doing what parents do, if they really wanted to help, then they could give you some money to buy food with, couldn't they?

they are not asking HOW they can help. they have come up with their own solution. their solution isn't helping you, it's only adding more pressure onto your already burdened shoulders. you could tell the mom that also. she might not quite understand how bad the situation really is, as if your alcoholic is like mine, he's not telling her anything and is painting a rosy picture.

naive

TakingTime

Thanks for that, Naive. The parents are coming by tomorrow morning while X is at work, apparently just to say hi and see their grandson briefly, so at least it won't be a big thing with X there too. I don't know if Ill have the guts to say anything in person - his dad's pretty intimidating, in fact they both are in their own way - but I'll suss the vibe. I think you're right, money would be the best way they can help, but obviously it's too painful for them to acknowledge that their son would *really* do what he is doing. X reported to me that his mom said, she wouldn't be giving me a hard time and i needn't worry about that - as if I should be the one worrying about being on the wrong foot

Today's been very hard. Had a show-down with X this morning regarding the fact I don't want him to look after our son in the evenings as that's when he usually drinks and smokes. He said 'You'll have a legal battle on your hands now'.

I phoned and got some free legal advice and also spoke to Immigration, and it turns out that I may be able to get some financial assistance as a lone parent, from the govt, under the Children's Act, even though I'm not a citizen (b/c I have a dependent who was born here). Also, startling news was that I have to be looking for work, and prove it, in order to get my indefinite leave to remain in the country. So, during my son's nap I was busy registering with an agency and applying for a job online and making some phone calls like a crazy person. I don't want to have to work and get someone else to look after him, but it seems I have little choice right now. It will only be a couple of days a week, I'm not prepared to do more than that when he's so young. Apparently then I'm entitled to certain tax credit benefits regardless of my immigration status, which will help financially. But I won't be able to afford to stay in this house or one like it. I'd have to share a room with my son in someone else's house. It's all very hectic to think about.

But I spoke to my sponsor tonight and it really helped: she told me I've done enough today, to just focus on what I can do to make my evening pleasant for myself and look after myself and my son tonight, not worry about how everything's going to work out. So , deep breaths, let go... tomorrow I plan to apply for a couple more jobs and get more proofs for my residency. I just can't wait to get out of here! But part of me still wonders if I'm just overreacting : you know, is X really a danger to our son when under the influence, am I justified in restricting his access (which is why I'm speaking to a family lawyer tomorrow), etc...or am I just blowing this all way out of proportion.

jaguarpcb

Think about it for a minute.

How would you feel if you hired a babysitter, went out for the evening, and came home to find them drunk and high?

What if something happens to your son while X is drunk and/or high? Will he have the presence of mind to be able to help? Will he be able to get him to a hospital if needed? Can he be trusted to not decide to take him out for ice cream and go driving around drunk?

TakingTime

Exactly, when you put it that way, it makes a lot of sense. Of course, because of his denial, it's "Oh but I'm only having one or two glasses of wine, that's normal...blah blah blah.." so i just can't get through. It's maddening, being made out to look like the irrational, overcontrolling, vindictive 'wife' and as if I'm just trying to obstruct his access to our son. But I'd never forgive myself if something DID happen and I'd let him look after him against my better judgment. My worry is, how do I prove this legally, to make sure it isn't taken out of my hands? You see, in a way staying together at least gave me more control over what condition my son had to see him in, whereas if I'm going to have to drop him off for a set period of time, and then leave - well then I'll have no way of knowing. My only solid 'proof' (and i don't even know if this would be accessible, since it's all prob confidential) is that he was evaluated by a drug and alcohol addiction service a few months ago as needing their services, and appointed a counsellor (which he attended 2 appts then stopped going of course). Other than that, all his friends (and family as far as I know) think he is a lovely guy who just is fond of his wine. Grr!!

naive

that's all good. from what you've reported here, they are saying that you are perhaps eligible for job seekers allowance and work tax credit.

the job seekers allowance is £64/week plus your rent paid and council tax reduced to £14/month.

the work tax credit is if you get a part-time job, they will supplement your income.

i *think* that single parents only have to work less than 16 hours/week or not at all.

i find myself wondering if you would be eligible for a crisis loan. you don't have to be on benefits to receive one. it's for emergency situations to pay for the electricity and gas and food. the number is 0800-328-3036. they will normally give you, if eligible, about half of what you request, so consider that when you tell the amount you are applying for. if you want to PM me, we could discuss in more detail.

as for your job seeking, go on-line at Jobcentre Plus

tell them you are looking at that database. there are so few postings, it would be close to impossible to actually get a job there but it meets their requirement that you are looking.

really, it would be best get the dole (jobseeker) and housing forms (local council), fill them in with their help (or i could help you) and see what the response is. you could put in a request to start a new claim by calling 0800-055-6688. if you call that number, they will set up a first appointment for you at your local jobcentre.

if you feel comfortable, you could PM me what country you are from and i would be happy to go down to my local jobcentre here and try to get some information for you. i have a few friends who work there who would help me get some answers.

the other people i would talk to would be the homeless department. when my xABF turned violent, i went there and told them that i was soon to be homeless. it was them who helped me claim for my own house. they also offered me temporary shelter in an apartment they had for desperate people. if you go to them, tell them that you and your son are soon to be homeless because your partner is an alcoholic. they will know what resources are available to you.

naive

TakingTime

Really appreciate all your input and thought, Naive. I don't qualify for Jobseekers but can only get tax credits. So, my current plan (after talking to some friends who are self-employed) is as soon as we live separately, I'll declare myself self-employed as apparently then you are entitled to a lot of working tax credit. My higher power has really been making itself felt (just when my doubt was huge and I felt rather lost") - I went to a meeting on Thurs night and a lovely lady was there who I haven't seen for ages but used to know from meetings, and she basically offered me a job (where I'd be self-employed and just invoice her) one day a week which I can start immediately. It's not a pity thing, she desperately needs an assistant. I'm going to go and check it out first of course b/f making a decision, but its so great to see that when I set the intention, things start falling into place.

I have already been looking at JObcentre plus - yes, the posts are dismal, but print-outs of what's available will show i'm looking for work. I also passed my 'life in the uk test' yesterday easily so that's another step complete.Basically it will be skint for a couple months but once I get my residency I can then get everything else i need, housing benefit etc. The crisis loan is also really good to know about, though I'll try leave that as a last resort!

X and I are getting on slightly better right now, the animosity has gone down a touch, but it's still rather 'eggshells' and we're both going out a lot to avoid each other. But I'm not sure anymore if staying with this friend is a good ida, as it's far from where I'd be working and that'd incur extra costs, plus all the upheaval of basically moving more than once etc.

As for the parents scenario - Ended up having his parents come over and it was ok, bit awkward but not too bad. THey said how sad they were, and asked how we were getting on in sorting the logistics out. I didn't give them much info. It was just really sad and frustrating the way the reason for the breakup was never once acknowledgd or even hinted at. I felt I couldn't bring it up with my son and X right there, the words just didn't come. Then afterwards, I thought maybe I'll email his mom and say something like, I feel what I said to you was never acknowledged, and the problem with alcohol problems is that the family not looking at what's going on, actually allows the person to continue to damage themselves, etc. But I don't know if it's a good idea, and I don't know if they can hear what I have to say.

naive

hi takingtime-

well, it sounds like you have a plan of sorts. how long until your residency might be established? living with alcoholic boyfriend longer will continue to put undue stress on you.

you appear to want to explain yourself to xABF's mother. i personally don't see any harm in doing that. you could write something simple like:

i want you to know that i love you son a lot but i can not live with his excessive drinking as it's dangerous for me and your grandson. i just wanted you to understand the reason that i am moving out. <you could add words here to reassure them that they will be welcomed to be part of grandson's life, if you feel that way>

for myself, i would skip the part that the family not acknowledging the problem is aiding and abetting the alcoholic. that might not be well received if they are in denial.

just my two cents.

naive

TakingCharge999

naive great posts !!

once I also thought about mentioning this to ex's dad.... but decided against it, to me this disease is like.. everyone knows, even the alcoholic yet no one speaks about it.... no one recognizes it.. no one feels free to mention it... its a taboo.

let them realize this themselves..... let them get out of denial in their own time... if they ever do... i like naive's template.

hugs!!!

TakingTime

Thanks guys.

Things have taken a rather dramatic turn for the worse. And I know now I do need to get out of here , pronto.

Today we were 'shooed' out of the house ostensibly so that he could do some cleaning and find the papers I need from him, as part of my residency application (b/c I'm not financially self-supporting, I have to show the documents of the person who supports me.), which of course he's been putting off and putting off for weeks now, and keeps promising to do (maddening). We stayed out for 4 hours - I came back and what do you know, he's not even finished the dishes, let alone done any hardcore cleaning, has obv been drinking and smoking weed, and of course hasn't found the papers. Of course none of this surprises me in the least, but what was weird was, he had locked me out (locked the door from the inside and left his key in it so mine wouldn't work) and drawn all the curtains. It was obvious that he hadn't wanted me to come in when he wasn't prepared, and that he'd been sleeping on the couch.

I tried not to talk about it, but he kept provoking me, saying he'd only got me to go out bc he can't stand to be around me, etc, and eventually I said, look, for someone who really doesn't want me around, why are you obstructing the very process that will facilitate that happening quicker (i.e. my residency). Of course logic doesn't apply, I should know better! I said I would just look for the papers myself, as I'd already had a look through (and told him I did it) and found some of them, but not all, when he kept procrastinating). Then while I was upstairs with my son, he disappeared and when I came down, I saw he'd gone out and taken all his papers with him. Grrr!!!! It is mega maddening, but once I moved thru the anger and frustration I just found myself crying over the chopping of carrots as I made dinner, feeling so crap that I used to trust and love this man who is now being vindictive and horrible to me.

The worst thing is, I lost my mobile phone yesterday with all my numbers on it - only have a few written down, and most of my friends' numbers I don't have written down - and so I feel very isolated and he knows it. Luckily I am able to facebook people but that isn't a quick way of getting hold of them - i.e. I need to come over, can I have some support please now?

My only option now is to get my parents to act as my sponsor on the forms, which they're happy to do but may not be accepted by the authorities b/c their money doesn't turn into much in this country (although they're not badly off). Still, I can only try. I feel so deep into this nightmare, I know it'll end one day but my god...

I'm thinking of going to a friend in London tomorrow. I'm just afraid that he's going to accuse me of kidnapping again. He did that once before when we had a fight, and pretended to call the cops on me when I was just trying to leave b/c I felt unsafe and b/c he'd accidentally hit our son on the head when drunk. (that was the only really scary incident we've had, ages ago). I really feel like just running home to my home country, sometimes, but I know I'm not allowed to do that either b/c he has parental responsibility. Damnit!

But I feel so grateful that I have the Al ANon tools and this forum, b/c I'd be going nuts without them...I was feeling so intense just now but I managed to restrain myself from doing anything crazy and just ride through it, put some of my fave music on and try to cheer myself up as best as poss. But it's hard b/c my son is being super-needy at the moment and I just don't have the space to cry and grieve and be angry properly, if you know what I mean, I'm constantly having to attend to his needs. I guess he's prob picking up on stuff. I can't keep us in this toxic environment anymore.

Thanks for listening to this long ramble!

sskaye70

Stay strong, he will do anything to break you. Hopefully you have at least one good friend to back you...get him out of there, he's no good.

naive

hi taking time-

it is (dare i say) normal for your A to start causing more problems when he sees his enabler leaving.

the best plan is one that doesn't rely on him at all. move forward on your own steam, even if that is less than ideal. then, you have control.

from what i've seen here in the UK, the woman gets most of the rights. the law tends to side on the side of the mother. let him call the police if you leave and tell them what is happening. i imagine they will help put you in touch with aid.

have you spoken with a women's aid representative? i did and didn't get much out of it but i did because the police said it would be helpful to me if things ever ended up in court.

he is sending his message loud and clear when he leaves with the papers. he is going to try to block you, so you need to take that on board and consider it in your plans.

and your cell phone, any chance he took it? have you tried calling it?

naive

TakingTime

I guess it is normal. I'm just a bit taken aback b/c I've said I was leaving a few times before, (and really meant it, or I thought so at the time), and he never reacted like this - it's like a whole new nasty side to him.

A woman's aid representative? How do I find one of them? I will look into it. I am collecting evidence just in case...when looking through his files just now I found the proof that he was assessed as having an alcohol problem and was assigned to a counsellor, and put that in a good place.

There's no possibility he stole my phone as I was out without him. We are rarely together at the moment. But whats making it hard is he's been calling in sick to work so is home a lot more than i expected, and has now got the doc to sign him off for a week for 'stress' b/c he says he can't function at work.

I think I will have to just apply for that emergency financial aid and move out pronto. Where to, don't know yet - haven't heard from that friend yet but expect to soon. i will email her again and outline the urgency of the situation.

Thanks so much everyone.

naive

hi taking time-

the crisis loan won't be enough to move out ( maybe a hundred pounds or so...) but it might be enough for a bus ticket to london. you get it the same day you apply, i you qualify, and you can cash it at the post office. hope it works out for you.

Crisis Loans : Directgov - Money, tax and benefits

TakingTime

Thanks for that link. I was thinking more about the financial assistance the benefits law specialist told me I can apply for under the children's act, from the local authority. I don't know what amount that would be, but I gathered it was more living expenses type stuff. In any case all this stuff has to wait till Monday as even the crisis loan is through the job centre. In terms of going to London, I have to stick around here in this city until at least Tues though b/c that's when my new phone is being delivered, and I certainly don't trust XABF to take the delivery for me.