help from experienced spouses of alcoholics
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by uncdubgirl0306 
(wabbit)
i am worried about the bank foreclosing on the house, but that just may be what has to happen. i am trying my best to get along with him right now, and not suffer through the silence that we had last night, but it's hard. i really don't even know what to say to him. my mind is anywhere and everywhere but here.
i am worried about the bank foreclosing on the house, but that just may be what has to happen. i am trying my best to get along with him right now, and not suffer through the silence that we had last night, but it's hard. i really don't even know what to say to him. my mind is anywhere and everywhere but here.
Thanks for the info on the alimony thing. I guess 18 months of marriage wouldn't amount to much alimony. So, that's a good thing.
It's HARD to live in the same house when you're going through all this.
But, just keep your cool. You have a power with in you that he can't take away from you. I used to tell myself that "in just a couple months it won't matter any more". You're going to get to that place too.
Peace to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Tar Heel Country
Posts: 86
UNC-W,
You're right about "defining/proving" alcoholism... My atty suggested that I document anything I could. Daily log of activities, receipts, photos of what was in the fridge/bar with dates - just anything that could demonstrate the patterns in concrete ways.
I was told that judges have a lot of experience and - with documentation - can see what's what.
btw...this is just for your own *legal* protection. you already know exactly what's been going on in your home.
more big hugs from C-Hill....
(maybe it's time for a trip to the beach???)
TH
You're right about "defining/proving" alcoholism... My atty suggested that I document anything I could. Daily log of activities, receipts, photos of what was in the fridge/bar with dates - just anything that could demonstrate the patterns in concrete ways.
I was told that judges have a lot of experience and - with documentation - can see what's what.
btw...this is just for your own *legal* protection. you already know exactly what's been going on in your home.
more big hugs from C-Hill....
(maybe it's time for a trip to the beach???)
TH
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
uncdubgirl0306
depending on how miserable you are and your coping skills; have you tried to look at him as being but a sick family member? This way you can avoid some of the anger you feel when you think "drunk bum"
depending on how miserable you are and your coping skills; have you tried to look at him as being but a sick family member? This way you can avoid some of the anger you feel when you think "drunk bum"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: charlotte, nc
Posts: 7
So...I finally did it. I had the talk with him Saturday night. I explained that I thought his alcoholism was affecting our relationship and was just a small piece of a bigger problem. I told him the REAL story behind his own dad's sobriety, and he wanted to get help but is afraid he can't stop. Because my AS is a type 1 Diabetic, I told him that if he stopped cold turkey that I would leave because I couldn't live with him detoxing himself. I want him to go through a medically supervised detox. He said that sitting next to a meth addict who was court mandated to go through detox wouldn't help him any - I tried to explain that it doesn't matter what the addiction is with, that all addictions register the same way via the chemical reaction in your brain. That seems to have fallen on deaf ears.
We didn't speak much yesterday, but around 7 pm he said that he was getting out for awhile and would be back in a couple of hours. He had mentioned going to an AA meeting earlier in the day, but it was never discussed again. Around 8 pm he called, started crying, and asked me if I would get rid of all the alcohol in the house. I started crying and said, "I really don't think this is a good idea with your diabetes." The emotions immediately stopped (which is what he does - turn off all emotions), and he said twice, "I'm fine." It would have taken me longer than the time I had to open everything and pour it down the drain, so I boxed and bagged up everything and put it in the trunk of my car. He got home around 10 and said thanks for getting rid of it all, and he was going to bed. I asked him if he was not drinking and he said he wasn't. I reminded him that if he went cold turkey that I would leave, and he said, "do what you have to do." He wanted me to stay, and as much as I wanted to stay for fear of what's going to happen to him, I left and went to my friend's house at 10:30.
I know I have codependency issues with him and his alcoholism - is this codependency making me now feel like I have something else to take care of and that I'm not as serious as I was before about leaving? I'm shocked at the fact that he decided to quit, but I also tried to make it clear that even if he quits it doesn't mean that I'm staying. He has to quit for HIM - not for me.
If anyone has any knowledge about codependency and what I need to do to help MYSELF recover, PLEASE let me know. I think, as hard as it is, I do need to be away from him during this time for my own recovery...but I'm so emotional that I don't know what feelings are "real" and which ones are masked by this.
Thanks to everyone...I can't express how grateful I am for you all.
We didn't speak much yesterday, but around 7 pm he said that he was getting out for awhile and would be back in a couple of hours. He had mentioned going to an AA meeting earlier in the day, but it was never discussed again. Around 8 pm he called, started crying, and asked me if I would get rid of all the alcohol in the house. I started crying and said, "I really don't think this is a good idea with your diabetes." The emotions immediately stopped (which is what he does - turn off all emotions), and he said twice, "I'm fine." It would have taken me longer than the time I had to open everything and pour it down the drain, so I boxed and bagged up everything and put it in the trunk of my car. He got home around 10 and said thanks for getting rid of it all, and he was going to bed. I asked him if he was not drinking and he said he wasn't. I reminded him that if he went cold turkey that I would leave, and he said, "do what you have to do." He wanted me to stay, and as much as I wanted to stay for fear of what's going to happen to him, I left and went to my friend's house at 10:30.
I know I have codependency issues with him and his alcoholism - is this codependency making me now feel like I have something else to take care of and that I'm not as serious as I was before about leaving? I'm shocked at the fact that he decided to quit, but I also tried to make it clear that even if he quits it doesn't mean that I'm staying. He has to quit for HIM - not for me.
If anyone has any knowledge about codependency and what I need to do to help MYSELF recover, PLEASE let me know. I think, as hard as it is, I do need to be away from him during this time for my own recovery...but I'm so emotional that I don't know what feelings are "real" and which ones are masked by this.
Thanks to everyone...I can't express how grateful I am for you all.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1
I am pretty much in your same boat and i wish you all the best. I heard a quote and it is getting me through the rough parts and that is....If you are strong enough to stay you are strong enough to leave. I hope all goes well for you. You deserve a happy life....
Originally Posted by uncdubgirl0306
thanks for the reminder that my husband could just possibly be a jerk. sometimes he is nice...but most of the time, he does have a pretty 'jerky' attitude. he's one of those guys that people think is "such a great guy" because he's outgoing and funny and entertaining to be around. but, as a friend also said to me...that doesn't mean that i should live with him.
i am worried about his reaction, but i have no clue how angry he may or may not get. i want to do it before he starts drinking, but that means that i REALLY don't know how he'll respond because most of our 'big' conversations occurred after he had already drank several beers. but i need to be fair and not do it while he's under the influence, and finding a time that i can get home before he does and opens that beer is gonna be tough.
i am worried about his reaction, but i have no clue how angry he may or may not get. i want to do it before he starts drinking, but that means that i REALLY don't know how he'll respond because most of our 'big' conversations occurred after he had already drank several beers. but i need to be fair and not do it while he's under the influence, and finding a time that i can get home before he does and opens that beer is gonna be tough.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, Trees99. This is an old post from 2009, albeit a very good one...
Please feel free to post a new thread and introduce yourself so folks can welcome you here and share their experience, strength, and hope. It's easy to get lost in old threads.
I look forward to "meeting" you!
~T
Please feel free to post a new thread and introduce yourself so folks can welcome you here and share their experience, strength, and hope. It's easy to get lost in old threads.
I look forward to "meeting" you!
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Personality quirks? AA's Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) describes alcoholics: selfish, self-centered in the extreme, terminal uniqueness, grandiosity, enormous egos and low self esteem. "His majesty the child" is another way of putting it. Sound familiar?
Alcoholism is also a progressive disease so these qualities get worse the longer someone drinks.
Alcoholism is also a progressive disease so these qualities get worse the longer someone drinks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
personally if your atty said you'd have to pay (possibly) for 18 months of alimony, I wouldn't even blink an eye if you can afford it. I know it is the principle of the matter but it may cost more money fighting it in court than it is worth. I would think of it as a small price to pay to be free, and the longer you stay the more money it is going to cost.
I divorced from a non-A in 2008. It was amicable. We had no kids. We didn't try to get alimony from one another. I can't believe a grown adult with no children would actually try to get alimony, so I understand your attitude towards it. It may be likely that he is just quacking and trying to get you to stay with idle threats. It is really hard to say. I do know that being married is basically a financial obligation more than anything else. While I was with my ex-H for 13 years (married 7), I do know I will NEVER EVER get married again. His house was being foreclosed on and I had given it to him in the divorce BUT I was still responsible because of the loan docs. He made late payments on many of the things he wanted to keep but couldn't afford and wouldn't get rid of and my credit took a hit. It really sucked. I had to file bankruptcy to keep the bank off my tail because of the house. We even built out a 1 bedroom apartment on the property before I left so he could afford the mortgage payment and everything and he never rented it out. It got some drywall damage to ONE ROOM due to a faulty water line and instead of fixing the dang thing for a couple hundred bucks so he could make the mortgage payment, he let it just sit there after investing over 10K into it. So, yeah, when married and even after the divorce you are still financially tied to another individual. I still get bills the X hasn't paid and have been affected by accounts I canceled but was still on the hook for. Blah.
I divorced from a non-A in 2008. It was amicable. We had no kids. We didn't try to get alimony from one another. I can't believe a grown adult with no children would actually try to get alimony, so I understand your attitude towards it. It may be likely that he is just quacking and trying to get you to stay with idle threats. It is really hard to say. I do know that being married is basically a financial obligation more than anything else. While I was with my ex-H for 13 years (married 7), I do know I will NEVER EVER get married again. His house was being foreclosed on and I had given it to him in the divorce BUT I was still responsible because of the loan docs. He made late payments on many of the things he wanted to keep but couldn't afford and wouldn't get rid of and my credit took a hit. It really sucked. I had to file bankruptcy to keep the bank off my tail because of the house. We even built out a 1 bedroom apartment on the property before I left so he could afford the mortgage payment and everything and he never rented it out. It got some drywall damage to ONE ROOM due to a faulty water line and instead of fixing the dang thing for a couple hundred bucks so he could make the mortgage payment, he let it just sit there after investing over 10K into it. So, yeah, when married and even after the divorce you are still financially tied to another individual. I still get bills the X hasn't paid and have been affected by accounts I canceled but was still on the hook for. Blah.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 13
new to this site
Hi Everyone,
I'm new to this site (and am not even sure if this is the thread/forum I'm supposed to be posting on!). My husband of almost 8 years is an alcoholic with on/off again sobriety. His drinking has really progressed and gotten worse over the past 3-4 years. He went from being a fairly social drinker (who always stood out at the bar/party b/c he never knew when to say when and out-drank everyone else there) to a functioning alcoholic who hides vodka and drinks by himself during the day. It's scary how much things have changed and gotten so out of control. The saddest part is that we have 2 little boys (5 & 1 & 1/2) who are suffering b/c of this too. He is currently out of the house and living with a friend-- I gave him a minimum 6 months to be out and get the help he needs (he refused detox) before I even think of having him back in. He also needs all his visits with the kids to be supervised. Life SUCKS right now and I go from either being really sad to REALLY angry. Because I'm with the kids 24/7 now, I can't find time to go to Alanon (which I never really loved in the past) but feel like I need support somewhere! I do have a great therapist so that's a bonus. Ugh. Hopefully I found the right place!
I'm new to this site (and am not even sure if this is the thread/forum I'm supposed to be posting on!). My husband of almost 8 years is an alcoholic with on/off again sobriety. His drinking has really progressed and gotten worse over the past 3-4 years. He went from being a fairly social drinker (who always stood out at the bar/party b/c he never knew when to say when and out-drank everyone else there) to a functioning alcoholic who hides vodka and drinks by himself during the day. It's scary how much things have changed and gotten so out of control. The saddest part is that we have 2 little boys (5 & 1 & 1/2) who are suffering b/c of this too. He is currently out of the house and living with a friend-- I gave him a minimum 6 months to be out and get the help he needs (he refused detox) before I even think of having him back in. He also needs all his visits with the kids to be supervised. Life SUCKS right now and I go from either being really sad to REALLY angry. Because I'm with the kids 24/7 now, I can't find time to go to Alanon (which I never really loved in the past) but feel like I need support somewhere! I do have a great therapist so that's a bonus. Ugh. Hopefully I found the right place!
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Great for you that you have established solid boundaries and protection for the kids! Try going to a different Al-Anon meeting, especially one that has babysitting. There you will find parents who understand your plight! Give it a chance (six meetings). There are great pieces of literature, including one on how to help the children and many others focusing on You and your losses, grief, anger, marriage, etc
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