help from experienced spouses of alcoholics
 

i'm new to this site, so anyone reading this...please bear with me.

my husband is a functional alcoholic. in addition to his alcoholism, he has a lot of personality 'quirks' that have increasingly gotten worse since we married three years ago. he puts me down in a 'joking' way; he is always right, and my opinion is almost always wrong; he constantly jokes with me even when i am trying to discuss something serious; we can't communicate with each other. i could go on and on about this, but i wanted to just give a few examples. i don't feel that the alcoholism is the ENTIRE problem in our relationship, but rather one component of a bigger puzzle. i do think that the alcoholism makes the other things that impose on our relationship worse.

i have told his family (his father is a recovering alcoholic of 25 years), but they refuse to say anything to him because he doesn't drink in front of them. he also hides any beer or beer paraphanalia during their visits, and drinks in our basement after everyone has gone to bed.

i am attending al-anon (this will be my fourth week) and seeing a counselor who is an addiction specialist. i have gained so much from doing both, and it has made me realize that i can't live with a functional alcoholic the rest of my life - it is partially my fault for not recognizing these problems earlier and saying something to him, but i am miserable. i have been sleeping in a separate bedroom for the past 4 months. (this is due to his work schedule, but i can't sleep while he has two alarms going off and he continues to remain passed out due to the 10 - 12 beers he drank the night before.) i have reached the point of no return - i am positive that receiving couples counseling or him entering treatment will not change my feelings at this point. i love him, but i am not in love with him any more. i want him to live a great life, but it doesn't mean i have to live in the same house for him to do so.

he has told me in the past if i divorce him he is going to come after me for alimony. i have spoken to an attorney, and was told there is a chance that i will have to pay him some alimony for half the length of our marriage.

my husband is not a violent person, but he will obviously not take any of this well. i have no idea how to talk to him or what to say. i will have to be the one to leave our home, even though i have always paid the mortgage. i have friends who have offered for me to stay with them, but he has no one. i don't know if he can afford to pay even half the mortgage, and i am tired of my credit being hit because of him. if i have to continue to pay the mortgage, i will not be able to rent an apartment, and will have to play 'gypsy' for an indefinite period of time until our house sells.

my question for those of you out there who are either going through or have been through a similar situation is: what do i say? do i pack a bag and have it in the car before i tell him? what do i legally need to say to him prior to leaving?

any help you all can offer is greatly appreciated. my head is so jumbled up right now i just can't think straight. this is all i think about, and my work is suffering because of it. i am planning on staying in the home through this week to continue taking pictures of the recycle bin after his nightly drinks, as well as the fridge where the cases of beer will diminish and grow again by tonight or tomorrow...but i don't know if i can handle that. little things that normally wouldn't bother me are now affecting me, and everything he does makes me angry. i don't want to blow up and leave because it's not who i am, and i feel i need to collect this documentation to prove he has a problem in the event he 'goes all out' during the divorce proceedings. i really just need some help here...

sorry for the long message. i really appreciate anyone's advice.

unc, I bet you'll find some great help by posting this exact message in the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" section, as many of the posters there have been in your shoes, for sure.

Although I understand that the drinking issue is an important factor to you, he might just be a jerk, ya know? It sounds like you have made the decision to seperate, have sought legal counsel, and understand the process. I'm not sure exactly what you say, or do to initiate this. Maybe a conversation and a 'move out date'? If you think you might want a packed bag if things get dicey, why not.. better safe than sorry. That doesn't make it easy, that's for sure. I don't really have advice for you, but I do hope you get the help that you need, and the support from folks here that can honestly be invaluable!

There is a post in Friends and Family that might help. It's called "Leaving"

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Getting concrete advice from an attorney is probably a good idea at this point.

(((Good luck!)))

Hi...:wavey:
As you can see, I did move your thread to our

Friends and Family of Alcoholics Forum

where you will find lots of understanding and support.

All my best to you and your husband
Welcome to SR!

I'm going through this right now
 

Unc, so sorry to hear of this situation. I have been married over 40 yrs. to my AH and as recently as about 3 mos. ago--he went to detox again and then as soon as he got out, started drinking again. This past month he has drank more than I've ever seen. He no longer hides it and does nothing but sits in his chair watching TV for maybe an hour or so a day and sleeps the rest. He's now drinking over a fifth of vodka a day (24 hrs). My married kids just think I should leave but as you know, there is so much involved in that. I no longer work (retired over 10 yrs ago) and only get a very small pension. He gets a pension and SS disability (has breathing problems). I always say I'll just separate and not divorce him to keep those benefits which I've more than earned for everything I've done for him over the years. He's not abusive but nothing we say seems to get thru to him. In the past if I've mentioned leaving him, that usually does it but now I wonder. Our house is so large that I can pretty much avoid him for most of the day but it's just looking at him sit there in such a stupor that sickens me. He was always just a warm, generous person that his actions are killing all his family. Am I being stupid for staying around for awhile? None of my family seems to know but supports anything I do. I just want it to get better but am afraid it won't this time. He goes 3-4 days without eating a thing so I think if he continues, he won't be alive next year (and only 60 yrs old). Anyway, so sorry for you and hope I didn't rant on too long. Have been needed advise and the need to vent for quite awhile. God Bless.:praying

Why? From what you have written he is employed. Spouses don't get almony unless they are unemployed and then not that often these days.

Why? Have you talked with the attorny about ways of getting your AH out? It may be possible.


Take some time to breathe! This is a crazy making time for you as you figure out what to do and how to do it.

I did choose to leave and let my AH stay in the house until it sold. I left without advance notice one day becasue I didn't need the extra drama telling him of the date would have creatred. I paid the mortgage and my rent for 6 months, then quit paying the mortgage. We we 1 week away from foreclosure when the house finally sold. I was perfectly willing for that to happen, viewing it as one of the prices for having chosen to marry an alcholic.

UNC,

I'm pretty sure that alcoholism is one of the seven faults when considering separation or divorce in NC. If you have not had significant intimate contact, you are 4 months into your required 12 month separation. Speak to your lawyer again about Divorce from Bed and Board. Also investigate the impact that his alcoholism will have on alimony. I think that changes the landscape a great deal. There's also a lot of info online...

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Sending you a big hug from The Hill!!!

:ghug3

Tarheel

Hello UNC

Here are some practical tips that may help:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html

I am sorry you are in this situation but I read a lot of determination in your post.

We all deserve peace and serenity, we do not deserve to suffer someone else's problems. We can keep loving them all we want - from a safe distance where our well being is not constantly menaced and our self esteem constantly damaged. That is not life.

Good luck, let us know how you do! I agree a talk with an attorney may be the first way to go so you get your picture clearer.

Welcome to SR.

I'm going through it too
 

My spouse makes about twice what I make and still doesn't have enough money to pay the mortgage without me due to bizarre spending habits. I originally left for a few days to "give her time to think". That time stretched and stretched. I have now been out of the home for 3 months with no divorce papers filed. We are amicable but distant and I have the feeling that the relationship will not recover.

In my case I took a couple of comforting thoughts:
1) I am willing to have the mortgage go into default for my principles but would rather simply sell it.
2) Although my wife makes a good salary, she needs me to cover the mortgage and this gives me a certain amount of room to negotiate.

I took the position with my wife that the house must be sold regardless of what happens in the relationship and she agreed (presumably so she could get at the down payment money). I started off staying with friends but that became uncomfortable after a few weeks. At that point I approached my wife and offered her a choice. Either she could get an apartment and we would share the cost or I could get an apartment and we would share the cost so that we would both be paying for both of our homes. Also, I stopped paying any of the household costs except the mortgage (no more paying for the cable bill).

I have to admit that the results have been mixed. My wife stayed in the home and I got an apartment. My life in many ways has not been this happy in years. On the other hand, as an alcoholic she is very poorly suited to getting the house into condition for sale and making sure it stays nice for potential buyers. So, progress on selling it has been poor. For example, she has been meaning to put flowers in a flower box in front of the house for 2 months with no progress.

With all that said, you should definitely consult a lawyer before abandoning your home. I'm no expert but I think that in many states you give up some of your rights if you move out of the home. If your spouse is open to the idea, perhaps you can offer to cover the cost of an apartment for them while you prepare and sell the house. It's a lot easier to stop paying on an apartment than it is to stop paying on a mortgage.

I'm sorry if it wasn't helpful, but at least you know you're not alone.


ooohhh - One little additional piece of practical advice. Start stockpiling some cash, maybe by leaving it with a friend. If things turn ugly, a tug-of-war over your bank and credit accounts will make a little bit of cushion critical.

thanks for the reminder that my husband could just possibly be a jerk. sometimes he is nice...but most of the time, he does have a pretty 'jerky' attitude. he's one of those guys that people think is "such a great guy" because he's outgoing and funny and entertaining to be around. but, as a friend also said to me...that doesn't mean that i should live with him.

i am worried about his reaction, but i have no clue how angry he may or may not get. i want to do it before he starts drinking, but that means that i REALLY don't know how he'll respond because most of our 'big' conversations occurred after he had already drank several beers. but i need to be fair and not do it while he's under the influence, and finding a time that i can get home before he does and opens that beer is gonna be tough.

thanks tarheel - i wondered if the fact that we have lived in the same house but only a few times slept in the same bed (when company was over, and even then, not the entire time) if that would actually "count." it's certainly something to bring up with an attorney or a mediator. there certainly have not been any 'intimate moments' between us for six months - he of course blames me for that, whereas i have told him that the only time he touches me is when he's drunk, and if he has to get that drunk to get interested then i'm not.

i looked into divorce from bed and board, but i was told that it would take 6 weeks to go through, and i really don't have the money to pay an attorney for that in addition to everything else. i am already afraid that he won't want to complete a separation agreement and go for litagation...in that event, the minumum retainer i have found is $3500 (which i of course, don't have.) i know he doesn't have it either, but i'm sure he'd be making phone calls to get the money.

thanks for the great thoughts (to tarheel and everyone!) i need all the help i can get right now...

(hardereveryday) i do understand how you feel. it's so hard to know what to do, and i've only been married for a little over three years. i'm sure it's an even tougher decision for you. i'm keeping you in my thoughts and wish you all the best.

never a good time
 

If you're really serious and afraid of his response, definitely look at the 10 step list someone posted for leaving your spouse. It's excellent and very practical.

Frankly, if you think you might want to move out, make that decision before you talk to your spouse. Don't use it as a threat to try and get action or remorse - that will only backfire. If you do decide that you want to move out, have all of the practical steps done before you let your spouse know (e.g. everything moved out , separate bank account set up, direct deposit redirected, etc.). Maybe it's a temporary move out and you can come back later, but it will be much harder to accomplish in many ways after your spouse is aware of your intent.

re: alimony

Why would he get alimony? Does he not work? Is he disabled?
When it came to the end of my marriage, I started to plan like crazy. I was cool, never upset, listened to rantings with a calm demeanor. I planned to get out and I didn't want him to know. But their came a point where I had to talk to him about leaving.

My xah threatened to sue me for alimony. He claimed he was disabled (although he was not officially disabled or recieving gov't checks for it)
I panicked!
I hired a private det. and had him filmed working in the yard, working on a car, chopping down tree branches.
So help me if it ever came up, I would hit him with the film in court! And, if he had been offically disabled, he would have been busted in more ways than one!

Fortunately, it never came to that. Hiring the professional to do the filming was the best thing I could have done for my piece of mind. 1500.00 to pay was a small sum compared to paying that much every month for the rest of my life to a worthless bum.

Oh, and I did stay with him the entire 3 weeks it took to get enough film. I didn't want him to think anything was amiss, and I wold not have been able to tell the dective when xah was doing something that needed filming.

PS, find out if you leave, will that be considered abandonment. More chance for you to pay alimony. Let him leave!

(wabbit) i make about twice what my husband makes, and his 'quality of life' will apparently be affected without having me around. (where he lived while in school and where he has lived since we've gotten married are vastly different.) the atty said that if i had enough money left over after my budget and bills had been analyzed then i may have to pay him for half the length of our marriage (right now, approx. 18 mos) i don't think it would be that much money if i did have to pay him, but it's the principle of the issue.

i am worried about the bank foreclosing on the house, but that just may be what has to happen. i am trying my best to get along with him right now, and not suffer through the silence that we had last night, but it's hard. i really don't even know what to say to him. my mind is anywhere and everywhere but here.

(deforest42) thanks for sharing your experience. if i do leave the house, then i give up my rights to the property unless i tell him that i am leaving AND he agrees to it. i don't know if he will actually 'agree' or not, but once i tell him i'm done, i can't stay here. i'm going to have to try and stay with some friends for awhile until we can figure out some of the property distribution and who's paying how much in terms of the mortgage. if he doesn't agree for me to leave he can sue me for abandonment and/or alimony, but in the state of nc, i can apparently use the alcoholism as a reason for the divorce and a defense to keep him from paying alimony. the problem with that is that there is no 'clear cut' definition of alcoholism according to the legal system, and even though he drinks 10-12 beers a night, he has never had a dui, a wreck involving alcohol, or causing fights in bars. he stays at home and drinks, and has been lucky thus far on the road. a judge could find this claim subjective as some people can drink more than this and be fine, and some people can drink less than this and be drunk...it would all depend on the roll of the dice regarding which judge i get in the courtroom.

Hello uncdubgirl! Welcome to SR. :)

The link for the 10 Steps on Leaving mentioned by deforest can be found here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html

Once there, click on the link that starts with "Google Answers: related to......" If you scan down the page you'll find those 10 steps wriiten out in detail under: A. How to leave your Husband in 10 steps.

If you have an atty, he or she will schedule a preliminary hearing - usually in front of a family court commissioner after the initial divorce papers are presented (served). You each take with you a brief financial statement showing your income and expenses. The FCC (judge) determine who pays what until the divorce is final.

I am sure your atty can advise you on how to get him to vacate the premises. That is typically stated in the papers served on the respondent.

When I served papers on my AH, it was delivered to him at work. He had 24 hours to get his stuff out that he wanted, and had to have a police escort. I also had a restraining order in place against him for domestic violence.

Lucky you can cite the addiction factor. In my state it is a no-fault state. But my atty did point out all the marital assets that were wasted due to the addictions.

Attys are costly, but I think a good one is worth it! Sure saved me lots of worry.

I sent you a private message. Just noting this here as it took me a few days to understand I had a private message box. However, you don't appear to be as "slow" as me.:-)

Be encourage, you are moving in the right direction.