frustrated42

My husband has not had a drink in two years. His last drink was just before he ended up in the hospital with severe pancreatitis due to alcohol. This was also two weeks before I was due to have my second baby.

I always knew he was a beer drinker. Why the heck did that make me feel better, that it was only beer? I always used that as an excuse as not to think of him as a "real" alcoholic. This went on for years and, of course, got progressively worse. Same story...never accepting social invitations...embarrassment at all levels. Stomach churning at each family event, as to what my AH would say or do. Constant covering, yet not fully realizing, or accepting, or even knowing the extent of the problem. I knew I knew it was really bad when I was able to admit to my family how terrible it had become, and this was also in part because it became so obvious. I was done. How could I believe that the smell that came from him at an 8 am soccer game for our son be from the night before. Well, a good amount of info came out after he was sober, that there were just so many lies.

He has been sober for exactly two years. We have two children. Why do I hate him (or maybe more like what he has done). Shouldn't I be proud of him? What an incredible feat. Why can I not really see this?

I have spent seven years raising children virtually alone (he has much improved since not drinking, yet he still always comes first, yet cannot see this). The situation became so bad that I felt so guilty for even being pregnant with my second child because I couldn't believe I was bringing them into this screwed up situation. Because of this, the bonding process was so tough for me. What a nightmare of a time. No, I haven't been to counseling...I can barely keep it together with working full time and raising my kids. Every time I even remotely discuss the past or how it has impacted the present, I come undone. I need to keep it together. Why am I still so angry and not only can't forgive my AH, but I also feel like he doesn't deserve one second of my time because he so royally f'ed up so many things in my/our life. When he asks me to do anything, I get so furious. I hate this feeling.

He is beside himself that I am not praising him. Everyone else seems to. He says it's a disease and wonders why I cannot accept this. Did the disease not allow him to come to one prenatal appt in 9 months??? Did it allow him to have our other alcoholic neighbors be drunk in my driveway when I pulled up with my son everyday? Did it allow him to take random pills from people to add to the already mess of a person he was? Did it allow him to add lie on top of lie? Or to control my every thought and worry? Yeah, i get it, I have issues too...but why after all of this time, do I still look at him and just see all of the darkness that he has brought to me? I guess i am not longer in alcoholic survival mode and actually have time to think and digest to mess that I have lived in and stayed in.

Anytime I express these feelings to him, he asks what the point was in getting sober if I treat him like that and almost threatens to drink again without really saying it. WHAT! ****, I feel so stuck.

Anyone else feel this way? He keeps telling me I need to get help to get over this, yet I am not sure I will ever get over any of this, bc i think it's bigger than I think and I am not so sure I am ready to forgive or that he even deserves my forgiveness. Isn't that horrible of me to say and feel?

suki44883

Not at all. Sometimes their recovery just comes too late. I think it's very common for the addict to expect us to "just get over it," when they finally do something about their addiction. Two years is nice, but it doesn't make up for the however many years came before it. You have every right to your anger.

lafayette

So sorry for your situation, it sounds like you have been through an awful lot. I have learned that although all we want is for the alcoholic to "stop drinking", sometimes the egocentricism and behaviors that they have developed through all their years of drinking do not just evaporate when they stop. I too, have experienced an alcoholic family member who feels they should be praised and commended for the times when the drinking stops, without realization of the long term effects on relationships with others.
You are entitled to your feelings and frustrations.

sweetteewalls

Let go of your anger, for it is only eating you up inside. I've been where you are and I have so many regrets because I wasted so much time and energy staying wrapped up in my anger. Your reasons are justified, but the angrier you are, the less you can be available for your children. I didn't understand that before, but I do now...

LifeRecovery

I agree with the above that anger can eat you up.

I had to feel the anger before I could release it. I am not completely done with all of it, but for me it is such a new emotion that examining it is not an overnight thing.

I needed support around all of this. To help me to learn that keeping it "all" together was in many ways what made the emotions so "big," was really just setting me up like a pressure cooker to blow etc.

Al-anon helped me, therapy helped (individual), and getting some time for me all allowed me safe release.

I hope you can give this precious gift to yourself.

WishingWell

Could it be that you're addicted to anger?

Addictions come in all shapes and sizes. Maybe it's time to let it go and find your own recovery? Create happiness?

I love this from Hafiz . . .

All
the craziness,
All the empty plots,
All the ghosts and fears,

All the grudges and sorrows have
Now
Passed.

I must have inhaled
A strange
Feather

That finally

Fell

Out.

Taking5

Does he go to AA?

There is a saying in the rooms of AA. Q:What do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A:A sober horse thief.

The point of this is AA is not a bunch of alcoholics that meet to buck each other up to simply not drink until the next meeting. AA is where we work the 12 steps including taking our own personal moral inventory, making amends for past wrongs wherever possible, constant retaking of our moral inventory to make sure we do not fall back into unhealthy habits.

Without addressing our moral inventories, we are that "sober horse thief". This is sometimes called in AA-speak a "dry drunk", meaning we are sober, but just as full of all the me-first narcissism and manipulative behavior as any active alcoholic.

It sounds to me like he could use AA, or if he is already in AA, he should start practicing it.

sesh

Sorry you're feeling this way.

The way I see it the only person you're hurting with you anger is yourself. When I realized that it became much more easier for me to let go of my anger.

No matter how hard your RAH wants to (or not) he can not undo what he did. In my experinece there is no appology that can erase the past. While I was waiting for my RAH to make the past better for me I was stuck in ager, in feeing miserable, in being unhappy with my life. I was wearing my pain as my token (or whatever is the right word in english) that stated how unfair the life (fate, God, whatever you like to call it) was to me. Guess what? no one cared. Slowly but surely I realized that no one ows me anything. Only I owe something to myself. I owe to myself to make my life better, if I want it to be better.

It wasn't easy. One of the first things I came to realize was that before I could forgive anyone for anything, I first need to learn to forgive myself. Only when I managed to forgive myself it became possible for me to forgive my RAH. He has hurt me more than you can imagine in the past. I had two options: I could have stayed stuck in past, glorifing my sufferings and make them the things that define me as the person, or I could have decide to learn to let go of the past and make something of the present, something that works for me. I did the second, as it was better FOR ME.

I stayed with RAH not because what he did in the past is OK, or not important, but because of who he is today and what is he trying to do today. IMO he doesn't owe me anything, the bottom line is he has f*** up his own life much more than he did mine. And surely I don't owe him anything. We are together today since it is working for us today, I am with him now because I aprreciate what he is doing today for himself, me and our family.

I hope I don't sound harsh, I just wanted to share my story, and the things I did that helped me feel better about my own life. I am not saying I don't understand your anger, I do, but I have to ask you, if you stay angry what is in it for you? Is your past pain more important than you present chance at happiness?

I wish you well and take care

PS If I may I would highly recommend you stick around here and read as much as you can. This place has saved me.

WishingWell

On another thread a woman in recovery from addiction is talking about her husband's anger and meanness. "How much "meanness is okay?"

Perhaps when you read that from her perspective you can see the damage. I do believe that the source for addictions is a physical disorder in people's bodies. If anyone should've been an alcoholic it's me! I worked hard to keep up with my husband's drinking for 15 years, and enjoyed every shot! It was a joint effort. :-) He couldn't stop, I could with no problem. I knew nothing about addiction - but ended up with a master class in it.

We all have some personality trait that causes pain to others. And I'd venture to say that your continued anger is not only truly harming yourself but your children and him more than a past that no longer exists. You're mad at memories - they're don exist except for in your mind, it's over. Start today by creating a new, real life.

You're definitely not punishing him by using anger as a weapon. He's in recovery, feeling better about himself, successful so far in his challenge - you're punishing yourself and your children.

IF you really can't forgive him - you might need to leave. Your anger is causing as much damage as any physical addiction. All of ours does, you're definitely not alone. Forgiveness has never, ever been my strong suit. But I work on it - let go and free yourself.

JMFburns

I would 2nd the recommendation of AlAnon. It is something you do JUST FOR YOU, so that makes you feel good AND you meet others who are dealing with or have dealt with the same issues you are. You'll gain support and experience from the other members.

I don't know where you live, but if it's near a larger city you can probably find a few options, lunch hour M-F, evening or weekend meetings.

Good luck.

Thumper

Sometimes something just leaps out at me as being so important. Thank you! This means so much to me - I'm adding it to the things I must never forget to ask.

It reminds me of that quote - "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." Who said that? Oprah I think.


Right - sometimes it is not about forgiveness as much as it is about acceptance.

I have forgiven my xah. I have let the past go and have no anger but that doesn't mean it has been forgotten or erased. It is part of me, my experience.

kewlgurl

I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
I felt like my anger was ruling my whole life and I didn't like being constanly angry. I decided to get some counseling and it has really helped me deal with my problems, not to deal with HIS problems.
I highly suggest you attend AL-Anon meetings and/or get some individual counseling. You need to take the time for yourself. I know life can be overwhelming, but this is very important for your well being. I know myself being a wife and mother, I always put myself last, but take this time to help yourself.
Than you will need to decide what is best for you and your family to make you happy.