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the rollercoaster

Old 06-22-2009, 11:06 PM
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the rollercoaster

IT is so annoying. YEsterday my AH drank, i got upset, he got mad, and the day/evening was ruined. Today everything is "fine"...he went to work and everything is kosher. I still have a knot in my stomach though, raw from yesterday's misery and wondering when /dreading the next time he decides to drink. IT just drives this wedge between us. One day is fine the next is the end of the world. Spends what little money we have on beer and then want me to borrow money from MY MOM until we get paid at the end of the week. Hah. Go pawn your guitar i'm sick of having to clean up your selfishness. I am so tired of this love and hate . I've never been a big drinker, and after living with an AH I dont think I will ever drink again in my life... just so terrible what alcohol can do to a loving, caring person. Maes me very, very sad. Trying to detatch and not let myself be "fooled" when things are going smooth...trying not to predict or prevent his moods and behaviors. Why can't he just see what is going on??
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Old 06-22-2009, 11:42 PM
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Originally Posted by justsad View Post
Why can't he just see what is going on??
He's an alcoholic. He sees things from an alcoholic's perspective. It's a perspective you can understand to a point, but only to a point.

So how about you? Is fighting with him making him stop? Is your getting angry making him stop? Do you intend to keep getting upset when he drinks? Because I can tell you, as somebody who has been married to two A's, your getting upset is feeding into the drama of the situation.

He wants to drink. He wants to get drunk. He wants to spend all the money on his addiction. He expects you to clean up his mess.

Are you beginning to see a pattern here? He doesn't take responsibility. Meanwhile, you take all the responsibility, and end up getting ticked off. Being angry at an A is nothing more than tilting at windmills.

I'd suggest you consider attending some Al-Anon meetings and/or getting counseling. Please keep posting here. Read the stickies at the top of our forum.

You are not part of his equation when it comes to his addiction. I'd also suggest you quit trying to figure out why he doesn't "get it." It's time for you to look at yourself and figure out what you're doing with an addict, and what you want to do to have a happier existence.
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Old 06-23-2009, 12:10 AM
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He doesn't see what he is doing ... because he is an active alcoholic. Alcoholics do not think or behave in rational ways ... that is one of the most important lessons I learned after many years of living with insane behaviors.

Their lives are dictated by alcohol whether they are under the influence ... or consumed by the thought of when they will get their next drink. Their emotions are numbed ... and we eventually learn we will always come in a distant second in an active alcoholic's life.

The roller coaster of getting our hopes up when that the person we care so much about seems like they are back to normal and committed to change .... then our hopes soon quickly spiral downward with the return of irrational, bizarre, impaired behavior, sometimes within hours, days or weeks of the seemingly sincere promises to change. We are again crushed and our lives in a tailspin ... not knowing what or who we will be dealing with from one hour to the next.

In the challenging attempt to explain to others what living with an alcoholic is like ... I many times would say it was like being married to one person ... then when alcohol takes over you never know who will walk through that door ... the sober person you thought you married, the sober person who is very angry and edgy, the impaired person that is happy and loopy, the impaired person that is moody and withdrawn, the impaired person that is angry and blaming ... and another 10 variations. I used to cringe in fear everyday after work when he would walk through the door ... never knowing which personality would appear.

That was my life was for decades ... my AH worked hard at hiding is alcohol consumption and I spent enormous amount of my life trying to figure out what was happening and why his behavior was so bizarre ... and never understanding why he couldn't see how destructive and insane his behavior was. I continued to feel this way until I started coming to this forum and began to learn the truth about alcoholism. I learned that these were not unique behaviors of my AH, but were classic behaviors of almost every person addicted to alcohol. It was shocking to learn, regardless of what my AH said, that we were in fact second in his life ... and that the alcohol had a much stronger hold on him that we did.

Alcoholism is a powerful force beyond our control ... all we can do is try to learn about this addiction and it associated behaviors ... and then step aside to take care of ourselves. Hopefully someday the alcoholic will seek the long term recovery that will save their lives ... but we learn we cannot do that for them. We just have to make sure this horrid addiction does not destroy us or our family's lives along the way.

Please keep coming back .. there is so much to learn that will help you find peace and serenity in the choices for your future.
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Old 06-23-2009, 12:49 AM
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he doesn't see it because well, he hasn't bottomed......
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Old 06-23-2009, 09:40 AM
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You only have to ride the rollercoaster as long as you choose to. You can get off whenever you are ready.
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Old 06-23-2009, 02:07 PM
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I am sorry you are in the

justsad, if they could "see" themselves clearly this wouldn't be such a horrible disease.

Denial takes thousands of victims and for many, there is just no bottom - only death.

And I agree with anvilhead - perhaps he can actually SEE everything, but keeps making his decision? After all no one has him at gunpoint telling him to drink. And if denial was so strong, no AH would ever recover, yet when I arrive to AA I see people fully recovered making amends day by day and living with purpose.

So honestly I am not sure where denial ends and personal choices start, I am not an alcoholic... but when I saw happy couples out there I just knew there was something wrong with me, in living a hellish relationship when relations are supposed to make you better and stronger... not to make you miserable.

I agree your "caring, loving man" may have roamed the Earth at some point, but I hope you can see him for who he actually is now (his behavior, not his words).. what do you see? that is reality. Do you see any caring for you at all? That is the person he chooses to be now and as good as it gets.


I am so tired of this love and hate


Hate? Yes, when I see an addict I see self hate for sure.

I also saw self hate when I choose to stay as martyr, absorbing the addict's destruction (eventhough its been months since I left but emotionally I was still "there").. because that is the only way i felt interesting and superior... worthy.

Now love, I do not think love has anything to do with this. I know love....when a mother sees her baby for the first time in tears of incredible joy... in the wonders of nature and a precious orange sunset, in my heart when I meditate and deep down I know I will be OK... intuitively, I know when Love is present and when it is not.

Oftentimes I confuse love with need.

"When there is need there is no love, and when there is love there is no need, and all is balanced"

I do not remember if you are attending individual counseling, for me it has worked wonders.. I suggest you give it a try...


Another thing to consider - if he keeps drinking it will just get worse, these are not isolated incidents but part of a downward spiral of never ending destruction.. do you think that is what God/HP made you for?

Last edited by TakingCharge999; 06-23-2009 at 02:23 PM.
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Old 06-23-2009, 03:53 PM
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Hi justsad, just for clarification, I just mentioned my experience above.. I am not assuming you have my same bad traits.

I say this because the forum has been inflammatory lately, so please do not take me wrong!

I hope you choose what is best for yourself and keep us posted. Hugs.
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Old 06-23-2009, 07:41 PM
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I am so tired of this love and hate.
It sounds like you have a real awareness of the role his addiction to alcohol is playing in your life. And you have a real awareness of the depth of his denial. So maybe he has no reason at all to consider it an issue. Hey, it seems to work fine for him & he seems to think your mom is even willing to loan him money so he can drink, right? (UGH.) It sounds like he's got some pretty caring people making it pretty easy to continue exactly what he's been doing, well, indefinitely.

So I'm just barely realizing I was and to some degree am addicted to: (a) being scared to move on (b) feeling like I needed to fix him (c) expecting him to take care of me (d) getting off on my "superiority" or being "right" that he was somehow less of a human being than me (e) thinking anything this dramatic was true love (f) cleaning up whatever messes he made, shielding him from seeing how much he hurt me by just wanting to smooth it over the next day.

I just wanted to share with you how much it meant to me to physically separate for a few days. I could finally hear myself think, finally disengage, oh my gosh it felt so nice to realize I do have a life outside of IT. Then I could evaluate a little more clearly if that was really what I wanted for the rest of my life.

I hope you can get some peace of mind, maybe a couple of afternoons or a weekend somewhere relaxing so you can hear yourself think!

Last edited by covington; 06-23-2009 at 07:56 PM.
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