My wife is alcoholic, I need help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 26
I read post of this post. I hope you are doing well. I had to put my foot down with my RH but that was only one part of his path to recovery. I left with our young daugther and told him treatment or we weren't coming home. He agreed to a shorter length than I wanted, my one concession, but after a week, he agreed to the full 30 days. I know that a big part of his decision was his family, but in reality, they can only do it for themselves and if they want to. He would have lost his family, and to him, that wasn't worth it. The more I read, the more I realize that really, only he can decide to stay sober. He knows that he will lose us (now a 2nd child too) if he drinks. BUT, to HIM, that is not ok. HE wants his family.
I don't know if I make sense. I still need to get it all out regarding my "journey". The one thing I was thinking about when reading was whether you wanted to be with her because you love her, or for your son. Addiction or not, I believe that "staying together for the kids" is never the right choice. Kids are not stupid. They see even what we try to hide from them. They are emotionally connected in such a way that even if we think we have done everything to shield them, they still snese it. I could feel my heart break when I thought he would no go to treatment.
I tend to ramble. I'm sorry. I hope you are doing well and working together with your son to provide him (and you) with a safe and loving environment, whether it be with or without your wife.
I don't know if I make sense. I still need to get it all out regarding my "journey". The one thing I was thinking about when reading was whether you wanted to be with her because you love her, or for your son. Addiction or not, I believe that "staying together for the kids" is never the right choice. Kids are not stupid. They see even what we try to hide from them. They are emotionally connected in such a way that even if we think we have done everything to shield them, they still snese it. I could feel my heart break when I thought he would no go to treatment.
I tend to ramble. I'm sorry. I hope you are doing well and working together with your son to provide him (and you) with a safe and loving environment, whether it be with or without your wife.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
This is so well-written!
I never knew the term for it -- "terminal uniqueness". My chat log with my ex that I just posted, is full of him expressing his "terminal uniqueness."
I feel like there should be a sticky or an essay explaining this phenomenon, cuz it's so common and it really seems to do a number on the codie's head. The codie takes on the guilt and blame of "causing the person's alcoholism-well, I always knew when my exabf used some excuse to drink that, hey, my life sucks sometimes too but I don't turn to drinking or getting high to deal with it.
Interesting how 99 percent addicts/alcoholics behave so much alike and use the same manipulations and denial techniques.
I never knew the term for it -- "terminal uniqueness". My chat log with my ex that I just posted, is full of him expressing his "terminal uniqueness."
I feel like there should be a sticky or an essay explaining this phenomenon, cuz it's so common and it really seems to do a number on the codie's head. The codie takes on the guilt and blame of "causing the person's alcoholism-well, I always knew when my exabf used some excuse to drink that, hey, my life sucks sometimes too but I don't turn to drinking or getting high to deal with it.
Interesting how 99 percent addicts/alcoholics behave so much alike and use the same manipulations and denial techniques.
Originally Posted by bluejay6 
Bow, I re-read your post. You and your W "happy at 18" was probably incorrect. But perhaps "hopeful" when you found each other back then is the better term.
My mother gave up her first child for adoption. My mother did not become a alcoholic. I was abandoned by both parents at age 4. I did not become an alcoholic. One of my friends was raped. She did not become an alcoholic.
Pain is a part of the human life. Pain, regret, shame, fear....This is what AA calls "life on life's terms." Life involves emotional pain.
The addict at some point in his/her life decides he wants to control his experience of life and make it free of any negative emotion. He wants to "control happiness" by popping a pill or having a few drinks or snorting a line so he can feel GREAT again. Relaxed, powerful, untouched by emotional realities.
When you write "my wife was so down about losing those twins 18 years ago", I see a hook. If your AW manipulates you into acquiescence to her unacceptable addict behavior because she suffered a loss when she was 18, then you are in the web of the addict-codependent dance and it will be very hard to get out.
Every person on this forum has experienced some form of tragedy in their lives and many have experienced tragedy after tragedy. Some picked up a drink to deal with it and control how they felt. And some remained clean and sober and suffered every agonizing emotion.
Had it not been the issue of the twins, your W would have zoned in on some other life grief.....because somewhere along the path of her life she decided she didn't want to deal with things straight on if they made her feel bad. Many of us have had rough childhoods and many of us have lost children. But we did not make the choice she made to check out of our emotions because we wanted to feel good all the time.
In AA they call it "terminal uniqueness" when an alcoholic blames his "special life circumstances" as being the reason he drinks. It's a con. It's the disease hustling for a free ride.
Just be careful, ok? And are you seeing a counselor yet?
BJ
My mother gave up her first child for adoption. My mother did not become a alcoholic. I was abandoned by both parents at age 4. I did not become an alcoholic. One of my friends was raped. She did not become an alcoholic.
Pain is a part of the human life. Pain, regret, shame, fear....This is what AA calls "life on life's terms." Life involves emotional pain.
The addict at some point in his/her life decides he wants to control his experience of life and make it free of any negative emotion. He wants to "control happiness" by popping a pill or having a few drinks or snorting a line so he can feel GREAT again. Relaxed, powerful, untouched by emotional realities.
When you write "my wife was so down about losing those twins 18 years ago", I see a hook. If your AW manipulates you into acquiescence to her unacceptable addict behavior because she suffered a loss when she was 18, then you are in the web of the addict-codependent dance and it will be very hard to get out.
Every person on this forum has experienced some form of tragedy in their lives and many have experienced tragedy after tragedy. Some picked up a drink to deal with it and control how they felt. And some remained clean and sober and suffered every agonizing emotion.
Had it not been the issue of the twins, your W would have zoned in on some other life grief.....because somewhere along the path of her life she decided she didn't want to deal with things straight on if they made her feel bad. Many of us have had rough childhoods and many of us have lost children. But we did not make the choice she made to check out of our emotions because we wanted to feel good all the time.
In AA they call it "terminal uniqueness" when an alcoholic blames his "special life circumstances" as being the reason he drinks. It's a con. It's the disease hustling for a free ride.
Just be careful, ok? And are you seeing a counselor yet?
BJ
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