My dad is a cheater!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 38
My dad is a cheater!
Idk where else I could express this but I will try anyway. My dad has committed adultery during his marriage to my mom. Both me and my mom know who the other woman is, but I have witnessed visual attraction between them. He openly admitted to me a few years back that he had a relationship with the other woman, and nor me or him expressed this to my mom; while she suspected cheating, she didn't have "physical" proof.
Although he wont admit it, he uses my mom for money and a place to live, while the other woman is for anything else he wants to do. My mom filed for divorce a few days ago, and has requested adultery to be apart of it, despite the lack of "physical" proof. I finally had the chance to tell her of what he and the other woman has done and him telling me about their relationship...but we don't know if that's enough proof. Idk what to do cause we can't do anything about it and I'm so upset of how disrespectful he is being towards us and sees no wrong in his actions! The worse part about it is that he makes me drive him to the others woman's house and thinks there is nothing wrong with that? Spending all day or all night with her and coming home like he did nothing wrong. And to think he asked my mom not to file for divorce based off adultery, can you believe that?
I came here for advice on what I should do cause its not fair how we can't do anything about whats going on. My mom deserves so much more and we just want it to be over. If he could just admit to the judge what he has done, things would be alot easier; I mean why not admit it being your marriage is over anyway...what kind of man are you?
Although he wont admit it, he uses my mom for money and a place to live, while the other woman is for anything else he wants to do. My mom filed for divorce a few days ago, and has requested adultery to be apart of it, despite the lack of "physical" proof. I finally had the chance to tell her of what he and the other woman has done and him telling me about their relationship...but we don't know if that's enough proof. Idk what to do cause we can't do anything about it and I'm so upset of how disrespectful he is being towards us and sees no wrong in his actions! The worse part about it is that he makes me drive him to the others woman's house and thinks there is nothing wrong with that? Spending all day or all night with her and coming home like he did nothing wrong. And to think he asked my mom not to file for divorce based off adultery, can you believe that?
I came here for advice on what I should do cause its not fair how we can't do anything about whats going on. My mom deserves so much more and we just want it to be over. If he could just admit to the judge what he has done, things would be alot easier; I mean why not admit it being your marriage is over anyway...what kind of man are you?
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
jtr,
The best advice I can give you is to stay out of it the best you can.
If you have to give give testimony, I guess that is your decision but other than that, you need to leave this to the two of them. You can not be your Mom's friend or confidante. She needs to find someone else for that. I would stay clear of your Dad.
This is THEIR marriage and their choices. Focus on you and making the healthiest choices for you that you can. If you allow yourself to become a pawn any further in this, you are looking for a lot of future misery. This is only my opinion.
The best advice I can give you is to stay out of it the best you can.
If you have to give give testimony, I guess that is your decision but other than that, you need to leave this to the two of them. You can not be your Mom's friend or confidante. She needs to find someone else for that. I would stay clear of your Dad.
This is THEIR marriage and their choices. Focus on you and making the healthiest choices for you that you can. If you allow yourself to become a pawn any further in this, you are looking for a lot of future misery. This is only my opinion.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It really sucks. How about you tell him no the next time he wants you to drive him to see his girlfriend? No is a complete sentence. He is going to do whatever he is going to do, but you don't have to be a part of it. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hi there jtr90, and pleased to "meet" you.
I'm sorry to hear about your father. That really sucks. My father was a cheater too, although we didn't find out 'till he died and we going thru the will. Turns out he was married another lady in another state. Had three kids by her. Our side of the family had no idea about the other family, and they had no idea about us.
I didn't care much for the man when he was alive. The bigamy was the last straw.
As far as what you can do, well there's two things that I can suggest.
First off, start with a lawyer. They're the ones that know the laws in your location, and whether or not you even need "proof" of adultery.
The other thing I can sugest is meetings of al-anon. They have been hugely helpful to me in dealing with all the "stuff" that comes from alcohlics parents, pill-head ex-wife, and so on. They can also give you referals to good lawyers, and they have piles of wonderful literature on dealing with alcohlic relatives.
Yes, things would be a lot easier if your father were to admit it. But that's not the way alcoholics operate. If they were to behave in an honorable way none of us would be here
Mike
I'm sorry to hear about your father. That really sucks. My father was a cheater too, although we didn't find out 'till he died and we going thru the will. Turns out he was married another lady in another state. Had three kids by her. Our side of the family had no idea about the other family, and they had no idea about us.
I didn't care much for the man when he was alive. The bigamy was the last straw.
As far as what you can do, well there's two things that I can suggest.
First off, start with a lawyer. They're the ones that know the laws in your location, and whether or not you even need "proof" of adultery.
The other thing I can sugest is meetings of al-anon. They have been hugely helpful to me in dealing with all the "stuff" that comes from alcohlics parents, pill-head ex-wife, and so on. They can also give you referals to good lawyers, and they have piles of wonderful literature on dealing with alcohlic relatives.
Yes, things would be a lot easier if your father were to admit it. But that's not the way alcoholics operate. If they were to behave in an honorable way none of us would be here
Mike
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hugs jtr!! I agree with the statements above, NO is a complete sentence. He can take a cab or walk or ride a monocycle, it is totally disrespectful to ask YOU! I would be totally hurt as well.
Also please respect your mom's decisions, I know its difficult, I have seen my mom very depressed for 25 years and I try to cheer her up, give her some advice, etc but I see now she is probably comfortable where she is at. Its her life. When you are hurt, when you really hate something about your life, you see a way to change it, you take action.... you gotta respect her way of living her life......
Meanwhile notice your own life, what are your dreams, what needs your attention, who are your real friends? what are things you have not done before and want to try? that is what you are here for, to discover all these things.
It has been hard to realize I am an engineer, NOT a therapist, psychiatrist, marriage counselor, etc etc so remember they have resources to help themselves and its their role to reach out for them.. you cannot do that for your parents...
Hugs and thanks for trusting us!!
Also please respect your mom's decisions, I know its difficult, I have seen my mom very depressed for 25 years and I try to cheer her up, give her some advice, etc but I see now she is probably comfortable where she is at. Its her life. When you are hurt, when you really hate something about your life, you see a way to change it, you take action.... you gotta respect her way of living her life......
Meanwhile notice your own life, what are your dreams, what needs your attention, who are your real friends? what are things you have not done before and want to try? that is what you are here for, to discover all these things.
It has been hard to realize I am an engineer, NOT a therapist, psychiatrist, marriage counselor, etc etc so remember they have resources to help themselves and its their role to reach out for them.. you cannot do that for your parents...
Hugs and thanks for trusting us!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi jtr-
i agree: don't give him a lift to his mistress' house if you don't want to.
it's hard to say no to your father, after all, he's the parent but really, in this case, he is crossing a line and it is perfectly fine if you want no part of it.
the advice to get out of your parent's marriage is good advice also. support your mom as you feel to, but leave their "stuff" to them.
can you get some face-to-face support somewhere? i don't know how old you are but there is alateen (if your father is a drinker); otherwise, is there some counselor you can ask to speak to at your school or university?
your parents choices are exactly that, theirs. and your choices are yours. follow your heart, it will never lead you astray.
peace and clear thought to you,
naive
i agree: don't give him a lift to his mistress' house if you don't want to.
it's hard to say no to your father, after all, he's the parent but really, in this case, he is crossing a line and it is perfectly fine if you want no part of it.
the advice to get out of your parent's marriage is good advice also. support your mom as you feel to, but leave their "stuff" to them.
can you get some face-to-face support somewhere? i don't know how old you are but there is alateen (if your father is a drinker); otherwise, is there some counselor you can ask to speak to at your school or university?
your parents choices are exactly that, theirs. and your choices are yours. follow your heart, it will never lead you astray.
peace and clear thought to you,
naive
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((((jtr))))) I'm sorry for what is going on in your world. I can only offer support, you are getting some great ideas here so far.
I'll second the idea of: STOP being Dad's taxi. It's very, very wrong of him to ask and very harmful for you to have to do so.
Hugs and prayers, HG
I'll second the idea of: STOP being Dad's taxi. It's very, very wrong of him to ask and very harmful for you to have to do so.
Hugs and prayers, HG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 38
thanks for all the helpful responses!
i can't really say no to driving him places because one his license is suspended, two my mom doesn't want him driving the car being he already crashed it a few months back and handled the situation poorly. i can't say no to not taking him to to see his "girlfriend" cause he wouldn't dare say that they have a relationship; he says they are "friends", which is a lie. i already told him i don't like her or him hanging around her, he doesn't care what i have to say, he never has.
when my mom asked him to not make me his "personal taxi", all he said was "that's my son!" so what, he doesn't care. like i said before in many post, he is an idiot.
i'm kinda stuck in between now because i have been apart of their marriage issues without them making me apart of it. when my dad confessed to me he cheated that's when i became apart of it because he included me in a problem that has nothing to do with me.
i'm just so upset i have to deal with this, but i'm considering counseling. if i had to testify against him for adultery, i honestly feel he would lie on me to save face; i just want to be done with him cause he is a poor example of a man.
i can't really say no to driving him places because one his license is suspended, two my mom doesn't want him driving the car being he already crashed it a few months back and handled the situation poorly. i can't say no to not taking him to to see his "girlfriend" cause he wouldn't dare say that they have a relationship; he says they are "friends", which is a lie. i already told him i don't like her or him hanging around her, he doesn't care what i have to say, he never has.
when my mom asked him to not make me his "personal taxi", all he said was "that's my son!" so what, he doesn't care. like i said before in many post, he is an idiot.
i'm kinda stuck in between now because i have been apart of their marriage issues without them making me apart of it. when my dad confessed to me he cheated that's when i became apart of it because he included me in a problem that has nothing to do with me.
i'm just so upset i have to deal with this, but i'm considering counseling. if i had to testify against him for adultery, i honestly feel he would lie on me to save face; i just want to be done with him cause he is a poor example of a man.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Jtr,
Hi. I don't know how old you are, but you most certainly do NOT have to drive your father anywhere just because you are his son. He is an adult and the parent. You are is son, not his taxi service. Part of losing his license is dealing with not driving. That is NOT your responsibility.
Miss
Hi. I don't know how old you are, but you most certainly do NOT have to drive your father anywhere just because you are his son. He is an adult and the parent. You are is son, not his taxi service. Part of losing his license is dealing with not driving. That is NOT your responsibility.
Miss
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
Jtr,
Hi. I don't know how old you are, but you most certainly do NOT have to drive your father anywhere just because you are his son. He is an adult and the parent. You are is son, not his taxi service. Part of losing his license is dealing with not driving. That is NOT your responsibility.
Miss
Hi. I don't know how old you are, but you most certainly do NOT have to drive your father anywhere just because you are his son. He is an adult and the parent. You are is son, not his taxi service. Part of losing his license is dealing with not driving. That is NOT your responsibility.
Miss
the only way to get away from him is to wait till this divorce is over or till august when i go back to school.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Hey JTR, good to see you again
It's been suggested to people here that nothing changes if nothing changes, and has been suggested here repeatedly over the months that you attend alanon or alateen. If you can't change your father, can you think about changing yourself and getting the support and help you so deeply deserve?
The harm done by having an alcoholic parent has been considerable to many of us here, I do understand and empathize, you have been posting here for awhile now off and on, and when folks here make helpful suggestions, and talk about their own experience, you generally respond with "you don't understand" or respond why these suggestions won't be helpful.
You are right, they won't be helpful as long as you are not open to hearing what they have to say and accepting there may be another way to get help with this issue and that there is help out there and other people that "do understand".
Can you maybe be open to the fact that the people here do understand and maybe listen to their incredibly hard earned with great pain experience and follow some suggestions to help you walk through this in a healthy way?
They are trying to help, they are suggesting the things they did when they were in your shoes that they found helpful to them.
You CAN say No, you CAN stay out of your parents divorce, should you decide to.
Isolating and letting the resentment just fester is only harming YOU, please seek help.
I do understand having an alcoholic parent, I promise I do, as do many who come here, we have been through what you are going through, and asking for help and reaching out for support is not weak, it's strong, be strong JT, ask for help, help and support is available, and be open to what they have to say, they CAN help.
Good Luck, and I am truly sorry you are going through this and that both parents are allowing you to be dragged through their divorce and break up, but if they won't step up and help, you are going to have to take the steps yourself.
It's been suggested to people here that nothing changes if nothing changes, and has been suggested here repeatedly over the months that you attend alanon or alateen. If you can't change your father, can you think about changing yourself and getting the support and help you so deeply deserve?
The harm done by having an alcoholic parent has been considerable to many of us here, I do understand and empathize, you have been posting here for awhile now off and on, and when folks here make helpful suggestions, and talk about their own experience, you generally respond with "you don't understand" or respond why these suggestions won't be helpful.
You are right, they won't be helpful as long as you are not open to hearing what they have to say and accepting there may be another way to get help with this issue and that there is help out there and other people that "do understand".
Can you maybe be open to the fact that the people here do understand and maybe listen to their incredibly hard earned with great pain experience and follow some suggestions to help you walk through this in a healthy way?
They are trying to help, they are suggesting the things they did when they were in your shoes that they found helpful to them.
You CAN say No, you CAN stay out of your parents divorce, should you decide to.
Isolating and letting the resentment just fester is only harming YOU, please seek help.
I do understand having an alcoholic parent, I promise I do, as do many who come here, we have been through what you are going through, and asking for help and reaching out for support is not weak, it's strong, be strong JT, ask for help, help and support is available, and be open to what they have to say, they CAN help.
Good Luck, and I am truly sorry you are going through this and that both parents are allowing you to be dragged through their divorce and break up, but if they won't step up and help, you are going to have to take the steps yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hey jtr, just wanted to say I hear your situation. I deliberately avoided getting my licence when I turned 16 because I knew I would turn into my AF's taxi. I really hear what you're saying about why it's hard to say no. That's why I passive-aggressively failed my driving test instead. I figured his anger with my "failure" was the lesser evil than how I shot myself in the foot by not getting my licence until my 20s.
My AF also had his licence suspended for a year while I lived at home. It was a losing battle. As soon as he got his licence back I was playing taxi anyway, because each time he arrived to pick me up from school or a friend's house he was usually hammered. Instead of saying no to getting in a vehicle, I offered to drive (still not having my licence). Now when I think back on those times I imagine how nice it must be to just lie in the passenger seat and spew verbal diarrhea on your children.
For a long time my AF tried to make me his special confident, telling me things about his marriage that no child should hear. My mom regularly accused him of being unfaithful (but had no evidence). My AF claimed that she was resentful because they weren't having sex anymore, that he was too old for sex, that she didn't understand the difference between love and sex. A couple years later my mom got a disease transmitted only by skin-to-skin contact. After YEARS of listening to his bullsh*t, do you think that was enough for my AF to admit he was wrong? Or that it was enough for my mom to leave? Nope, several years later they are still together, locked in an unhealthy relationship.
Learning that their lives are theirs to live no matter how much I listen or care or try to help was the biggest first step I made towards improving my own life. And like others have said, learning to say NO. I treat my parents with the same expectations I would have for a stranger. If what they have to say or do is something I would not tolerate from a stranger, then why should I tolerate it from them?
I couldn't find this strength until I left home. I spent the last few years under my parent's roof working on LEAVING. I focussed on getting out with what strength I had (for me, it was academics). I still love my parents, but from a distance that's healthy for me. I can't change my AF's behavior or my mom's choices (no matter how much evidence she has that she is in an unhealthy relationship). All I can change is me. Detaching from their drama freed me to focus on that change. Listening to other people's stories and advice helped me learn the tools to make that change effective.
You may not find all the answers you're looking for here, but take what you can and leave the rest, knowing that even though it may take some time, your life can definitely change for the better. Your AF may have abused your childhood, but he sure as hell doesn't have to steal your future.
My AF also had his licence suspended for a year while I lived at home. It was a losing battle. As soon as he got his licence back I was playing taxi anyway, because each time he arrived to pick me up from school or a friend's house he was usually hammered. Instead of saying no to getting in a vehicle, I offered to drive (still not having my licence). Now when I think back on those times I imagine how nice it must be to just lie in the passenger seat and spew verbal diarrhea on your children.
For a long time my AF tried to make me his special confident, telling me things about his marriage that no child should hear. My mom regularly accused him of being unfaithful (but had no evidence). My AF claimed that she was resentful because they weren't having sex anymore, that he was too old for sex, that she didn't understand the difference between love and sex. A couple years later my mom got a disease transmitted only by skin-to-skin contact. After YEARS of listening to his bullsh*t, do you think that was enough for my AF to admit he was wrong? Or that it was enough for my mom to leave? Nope, several years later they are still together, locked in an unhealthy relationship.
Learning that their lives are theirs to live no matter how much I listen or care or try to help was the biggest first step I made towards improving my own life. And like others have said, learning to say NO. I treat my parents with the same expectations I would have for a stranger. If what they have to say or do is something I would not tolerate from a stranger, then why should I tolerate it from them?
I couldn't find this strength until I left home. I spent the last few years under my parent's roof working on LEAVING. I focussed on getting out with what strength I had (for me, it was academics). I still love my parents, but from a distance that's healthy for me. I can't change my AF's behavior or my mom's choices (no matter how much evidence she has that she is in an unhealthy relationship). All I can change is me. Detaching from their drama freed me to focus on that change. Listening to other people's stories and advice helped me learn the tools to make that change effective.
You may not find all the answers you're looking for here, but take what you can and leave the rest, knowing that even though it may take some time, your life can definitely change for the better. Your AF may have abused your childhood, but he sure as hell doesn't have to steal your future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 38
I want to thank Ago and Dothi, their message really opened my eyes.
My mom isn't getting me involved in the divorce its my dad who finds a way to make me apart of it, no matter how many times he says he won't get me involved. My dad is a a-hole and today he told my mother too set up a meeting with the lawyers so they could talk about the next step as far as the divorce goes; what had me the most disappointed was that he said he hopes I can go back to school after his lawyer will take my mom for all she's got...how cruddy is that, to risk my education. It won't happen, he won't get all of what my mom has cause God will not allow that and God wont have us assed out like that.
My mom has encouraged me regularly to go to counseling and I'm def. considering it, but I have to find the strength and faith to do so, and soon, and I will.
My mom isn't getting me involved in the divorce its my dad who finds a way to make me apart of it, no matter how many times he says he won't get me involved. My dad is a a-hole and today he told my mother too set up a meeting with the lawyers so they could talk about the next step as far as the divorce goes; what had me the most disappointed was that he said he hopes I can go back to school after his lawyer will take my mom for all she's got...how cruddy is that, to risk my education. It won't happen, he won't get all of what my mom has cause God will not allow that and God wont have us assed out like that.
My mom has encouraged me regularly to go to counseling and I'm def. considering it, but I have to find the strength and faith to do so, and soon, and I will.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by jtr90
I want to thank Ago and Dothi, their message really opened my eyes.
My mom isn't getting me involved in the divorce its my dad who finds a way to make me apart of it, no matter how many times he says he won't get me involved. My dad is a a-hole and today he told my mother too set up a meeting with the lawyers so they could talk about the next step as far as the divorce goes; what had me the most disappointed was that he said he hopes I can go back to school after his lawyer will take my mom for all she's got...how cruddy is that, to risk my education. It won't happen, he won't get all of what my mom has cause God will not allow that and God wont have us assed out like that.
My mom has encouraged me regularly to go to counseling and I'm def. considering it, but I have to find the strength and faith to do so, and soon, and I will.
My mom isn't getting me involved in the divorce its my dad who finds a way to make me apart of it, no matter how many times he says he won't get me involved. My dad is a a-hole and today he told my mother too set up a meeting with the lawyers so they could talk about the next step as far as the divorce goes; what had me the most disappointed was that he said he hopes I can go back to school after his lawyer will take my mom for all she's got...how cruddy is that, to risk my education. It won't happen, he won't get all of what my mom has cause God will not allow that and God wont have us assed out like that.
My mom has encouraged me regularly to go to counseling and I'm def. considering it, but I have to find the strength and faith to do so, and soon, and I will.
be well :ghug3
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