My wife is alcoholic, I need help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
When to say enough is enough....
Originally Posted by bowhnter7 
I know but how accountable do I go?
She's been convicted with assult, has 18 months probation, 36 weeks of classes and an alc eval. Protection order for this whole duration, so like 18 months I guess. Do I let that ride and see where she goes? Or serve he the papers I am signing in just hours? Maybe it's just neve gonna work, even if she was sober for a year and I saw it and took her back, she could have problems the next month? I just don't know...
She's been convicted with assult, has 18 months probation, 36 weeks of classes and an alc eval. Protection order for this whole duration, so like 18 months I guess. Do I let that ride and see where she goes? Or serve he the papers I am signing in just hours? Maybe it's just neve gonna work, even if she was sober for a year and I saw it and took her back, she could have problems the next month? I just don't know...
My therapist asked me this morning the following question. "What would have to be different in order for you to want to remain in a relationship with her?" I have been thinking about that all day. And, about what my therapist said right after that. "This is about what you need. This is not about changing her. She will either change or not change based on what she wants. You need to be clear about what you want and need... be it in this relationship or some future relationship."
I am still thinking about all of this. I have found 3 things that are absolutes. I will not put myself in harm's way. I will not put my children in harm's way. I will not be with someone who holds others, not themselves, accountable for their behavior.
In order for my SO to deliver on those 3 absolutes, she has enormous amounts of work to do. But as someone said above, I didn't create her problem, can't control it, and I can't cure it.
I have begun the process of getting on with my life, instead of being focused on what she is or is not doing. It's incredibly hard, but I am already starting to see a difference in myself.
If in the future, she has done the work, has shown that she can stay sober, that she can hold a job, then perhaps we can find a future. But I am not going build my life around waiting.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
there's a book called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew
I can't recommend it enough! ! ! ! ! ! !
It's a tricky title, it's NOT about getting THEM sober, it's about helping YOU get sane and helping YOU get YOUR life back.
Your library should have it - or it'd be well worth ordering it from Amazon
It'll help you to not buy in to her behaviors. You can't "fix her" - you can only change yourself
Blue
I can't recommend it enough! ! ! ! ! ! !
It's a tricky title, it's NOT about getting THEM sober, it's about helping YOU get sane and helping YOU get YOUR life back.
Your library should have it - or it'd be well worth ordering it from Amazon
It'll help you to not buy in to her behaviors. You can't "fix her" - you can only change yourself
Blue
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: South GA
Posts: 67
Welcome bow.
I am a man who has an Alcoholic Wife (AW). She is in the process of recovery right now (RW). That's not important though. What is very important to me is that I am in the process of recovery. I have been affected by alcohol and alcoholism, and will be for the rest of my life. It doesn't matter if I later divorce my wife or if I stay with her. The damage has been done. I do know that I will not allow any more damage to me. We don't have children yet, but if we did, I would be more adamant about that. If I had a child, I would not let him or her be hurt by their mom anymore.
As far as the papers are concerned, that's up to you. This may seem too black/white, but in her current condition today, do you want to stay married to her? This wouldn't mean forever and ever. Even if you balk, you can do something in between like a separation where the only link between you and her is the marriage license that is hanging by a thread. Separate bank accts, put the house, car etc in your name only or sell it. It would be very extreme, but it would send a message that you do not accept her disease.
If your wife had a common illness that is completely treatable but deadly and chooses not to get treatment, wouldn't that weird you out? Alcoholism is a disease just like this. It can be treated, but never cured. Good luck man, and keep reading up. Check out Al-Anon...if more men show up to them then newcomer men won't feel as alone
I am a man who has an Alcoholic Wife (AW). She is in the process of recovery right now (RW). That's not important though. What is very important to me is that I am in the process of recovery. I have been affected by alcohol and alcoholism, and will be for the rest of my life. It doesn't matter if I later divorce my wife or if I stay with her. The damage has been done. I do know that I will not allow any more damage to me. We don't have children yet, but if we did, I would be more adamant about that. If I had a child, I would not let him or her be hurt by their mom anymore.
As far as the papers are concerned, that's up to you. This may seem too black/white, but in her current condition today, do you want to stay married to her? This wouldn't mean forever and ever. Even if you balk, you can do something in between like a separation where the only link between you and her is the marriage license that is hanging by a thread. Separate bank accts, put the house, car etc in your name only or sell it. It would be very extreme, but it would send a message that you do not accept her disease.
If your wife had a common illness that is completely treatable but deadly and chooses not to get treatment, wouldn't that weird you out? Alcoholism is a disease just like this. It can be treated, but never cured. Good luck man, and keep reading up. Check out Al-Anon...if more men show up to them then newcomer men won't feel as alone
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there bowhnter, and pleased to "meet" you 
I'm sorry you are having such difficulties, it really sucks to have to deal with this.
I was married 20yrs to a wonderful, loving and caring lady. For the first 15yrs we were perfectly happy. Ok, so life threw us a few curves now and then, but nothing major. Somewhere around year 15 or so she became very ill, and over the next few years became addicted to pain pills. Lots and lots of pills. Entire cupboards full of 'em. Oh yeah, and three boyfriends.
The details of your story are different from mine, but I ended up in _exactly_ the same place as you.
I went to al-anon. Lots of it. Listened very carefuly to what everybody said, took a lot of the guys out to coffee and asked them to tell me their story. I learned that I was asking the questions _backwards_.
The question for me was _not_ whether leaving her was the right thing to do. The question was what good would I be doing by staying?
No good at all, I had tried _everything_ and she had not changed.
Since I was not doing her any good, then leaving was the only chance she had at finding some kind of recovery for herself. As long as I remained as her enabler, she had no incentive to change.
So I left. Moved outta town to put some distance between us. It's been a few years now, and every time I look back on it I realize I did the right thing. Had I stayed I would have just left later, or she would have left me, or just ran off with a boyfriend. I simply acknowledged the inevitable, and left while I still had some dignity, and money, left to my name.
Some day my ex might decide to accept responsibility for her own choices, and face up to whatever is going on insider of her. Then again she might not. I did my very best for her, and for our marriage. That includes leaving when she had stopped being a wife and partner and became a stranger.
I think it is one of the deepest pains in life, to watch somebody we love go down into addiction. Know that all of us here, and in meetings of al-anon, understand _exactly_ what that pain feels like.
don't have an answer for you, bowhnter. All I can offer you is a place to dump it all out and listen to others who have a bit of experience with the same problem.
Mike
I'm sorry you are having such difficulties, it really sucks to have to deal with this.
I was married 20yrs to a wonderful, loving and caring lady. For the first 15yrs we were perfectly happy. Ok, so life threw us a few curves now and then, but nothing major. Somewhere around year 15 or so she became very ill, and over the next few years became addicted to pain pills. Lots and lots of pills. Entire cupboards full of 'em. Oh yeah, and three boyfriends.
The details of your story are different from mine, but I ended up in _exactly_ the same place as you.
Originally Posted by bowhnter7
... papers are ready to sign and be served and I am wondering if I am doing the right thing?...
The question for me was _not_ whether leaving her was the right thing to do. The question was what good would I be doing by staying?
No good at all, I had tried _everything_ and she had not changed.
Since I was not doing her any good, then leaving was the only chance she had at finding some kind of recovery for herself. As long as I remained as her enabler, she had no incentive to change.
So I left. Moved outta town to put some distance between us. It's been a few years now, and every time I look back on it I realize I did the right thing. Had I stayed I would have just left later, or she would have left me, or just ran off with a boyfriend. I simply acknowledged the inevitable, and left while I still had some dignity, and money, left to my name.
Some day my ex might decide to accept responsibility for her own choices, and face up to whatever is going on insider of her. Then again she might not. I did my very best for her, and for our marriage. That includes leaving when she had stopped being a wife and partner and became a stranger.
I think it is one of the deepest pains in life, to watch somebody we love go down into addiction. Know that all of us here, and in meetings of al-anon, understand _exactly_ what that pain feels like.
don't have an answer for you, bowhnter. All I can offer you is a place to dump it all out and listen to others who have a bit of experience with the same problem.
Mike
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: WIsconsin
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by bowhnter7
I know but how accountable do I go?
She's been convicted with assult, has 18 months probation, 36 weeks of classes and an alc eval. Protection order for this whole duration, so like 18 months I guess. Do I let that ride and see where she goes? Or serve he the papers I am signing in just hours? Maybe it's just neve gonna work, even if she was sober for a year and I saw it and took her back, she could have problems the next month? I just don't know...
She's been convicted with assult, has 18 months probation, 36 weeks of classes and an alc eval. Protection order for this whole duration, so like 18 months I guess. Do I let that ride and see where she goes? Or serve he the papers I am signing in just hours? Maybe it's just neve gonna work, even if she was sober for a year and I saw it and took her back, she could have problems the next month? I just don't know...
Maybe I'm waiting for the past to come back--waiting for it to get "REALLY bad" again so I can be "justified" in leaving. But I didn't leave 15 years ago. How bad is bad enough? Who decides that, besides me? Maybe I'm waiting for the future to arrive--a future that exists only in my imagination. (Yeah, I know. Sooner or later, if I wait too many years, there will no longer be any future on the other side of that door.)
Maybe it's sheer inertia. I give you credit for the legal paperwork you've done; it's further than I've gotten.
The funny thing is...I look at what you've dealt with and I think "I'd be out of there." Then I remember... I dealt with quite a bit myself in the past. I didn't leave. Now he's sober, and I still want to leave. This person, sober or drunk, really isn't someone I want to live with. He's switching to over-exercising, over-dieting, tremendous caffeine intake, and several weeks ago had an episode where he was more delirious on caffeine/low blood sugar than he was when he was drinking.
Sobriety is not the whole answer. The alcoholic has a thinking problem, not just a drinking problem. And so do I. My husband was sober for 10+ years from 1989 to 2000 or so. And during those 10+ years, I still was waiting... for something besides... reality.
Your son's comment: "Dad I really think we will be better off without her" really hit me.
Guess I just wanted to say I understand your aversion to the pain you would cause by serving those papers. I also understand the hope you feel--that change can happen. It CAN happen. It just might not be the answer to the problem.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: COLORADO
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by TrainWreckAgain
I am a realtive newbie here. My SO has been in treatment for about 10 weeks, but is showing no real signs of progress. With the help of my Al-Anon group, my therapist, and some very wise people on this site, I have begun the process of letting go.
My therapist asked me this morning the following question. "What would have to be different in order for you to want to remain in a relationship with her?" I have been thinking about that all day. And, about what my therapist said right after that. "This is about what you need. This is not about changing her. She will either change or not change based on what she wants. You need to be clear about what you want and need... be it in this relationship or some future relationship."
I am still thinking about all of this. I have found 3 things that are absolutes. I will not put myself in harm's way. I will not put my children in harm's way. I will not be with someone who holds others, not themselves, accountable for their behavior.
In order for my SO to deliver on those 3 absolutes, she has enormous amounts of work to do. But as someone said above, I didn't create her problem, can't control it, and I can't cure it.
I have begun the process of getting on with my life, instead of being focused on what she is or is not doing. It's incredibly hard, but I am already starting to see a difference in myself.
If in the future, she has done the work, has shown that she can stay sober, that she can hold a job, then perhaps we can find a future. But I am not going build my life around waiting.
My therapist asked me this morning the following question. "What would have to be different in order for you to want to remain in a relationship with her?" I have been thinking about that all day. And, about what my therapist said right after that. "This is about what you need. This is not about changing her. She will either change or not change based on what she wants. You need to be clear about what you want and need... be it in this relationship or some future relationship."
I am still thinking about all of this. I have found 3 things that are absolutes. I will not put myself in harm's way. I will not put my children in harm's way. I will not be with someone who holds others, not themselves, accountable for their behavior.
In order for my SO to deliver on those 3 absolutes, she has enormous amounts of work to do. But as someone said above, I didn't create her problem, can't control it, and I can't cure it.
I have begun the process of getting on with my life, instead of being focused on what she is or is not doing. It's incredibly hard, but I am already starting to see a difference in myself.
If in the future, she has done the work, has shown that she can stay sober, that she can hold a job, then perhaps we can find a future. But I am not going build my life around waiting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: COLORADO
Posts: 11
Thanks to you all for the stories an words. It's amazing how we all have very similar stories, with similar paths.
It has been very hard, hard to give up on my hopes and dreams, hard to follow through with what I am doing but so far I have. I second guess my self everyday, trying to find a way to make it work, trying to find a way to let her back in but I can't. I constantly wonder is what I am doing is the right thing or not and a lot of your stories helps me.
I spoke with her on Monday and told her she was getting served that day. She begged me not to, told me she would stop, told me she had to this time cause of the random alcohol checks with the police. I told her "So loosing your family wasn't enough to make you stop but going back to jail was?" She was crushed and it was a very difficult thing to do. It is very hard to not let her back in, hard to not want and help her, keep having thoughts of I can make this work but the thoughts of all she has done seem to keep me headed in my current direction. Guess I got to thinking what I am doing is helping her, or the only thing left I can do.
It has been very hard, hard to give up on my hopes and dreams, hard to follow through with what I am doing but so far I have. I second guess my self everyday, trying to find a way to make it work, trying to find a way to let her back in but I can't. I constantly wonder is what I am doing is the right thing or not and a lot of your stories helps me.
I spoke with her on Monday and told her she was getting served that day. She begged me not to, told me she would stop, told me she had to this time cause of the random alcohol checks with the police. I told her "So loosing your family wasn't enough to make you stop but going back to jail was?" She was crushed and it was a very difficult thing to do. It is very hard to not let her back in, hard to not want and help her, keep having thoughts of I can make this work but the thoughts of all she has done seem to keep me headed in my current direction. Guess I got to thinking what I am doing is helping her, or the only thing left I can do.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
bowhunter,
Every single one of us worries that we're doing the right thing, and second guess ourselves into insanity. It's terribly difficult to discern what is real and what is magical thinking when we're in the middle of these situations without help and support.
Counseling helped me immensely.
Pay attention to your gut, many times it's telling us what our frazzled mind won't see.
Every single one of us worries that we're doing the right thing, and second guess ourselves into insanity. It's terribly difficult to discern what is real and what is magical thinking when we're in the middle of these situations without help and support.
Counseling helped me immensely.
Pay attention to your gut, many times it's telling us what our frazzled mind won't see.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: OH
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by bowhnter7
I know but how accountable do I go?
She's been convicted with assult, has 18 months probation, 36 weeks of classes and an alc eval. Protection order for this whole duration, so like 18 months I guess. Do I let that ride and see where she goes? Or serve he the papers I am signing in just hours? Maybe it's just neve gonna work, even if she was sober for a year and I saw it and took her back, she could have problems the next month? I just don't know...
She's been convicted with assult, has 18 months probation, 36 weeks of classes and an alc eval. Protection order for this whole duration, so like 18 months I guess. Do I let that ride and see where she goes? Or serve he the papers I am signing in just hours? Maybe it's just neve gonna work, even if she was sober for a year and I saw it and took her back, she could have problems the next month? I just don't know...
Bowhntr,
Being in a similiar situation to yours, I really think you need to focus not so much of making a laundry list of all your wife's misdeeds and focus on creating a healthy environment for your child. One of the problems i found that i was so focused on all the things my AW was doing, that I 1) lost focus on my children and 2) lost focus on myself. Really after living with an addict for so long sometimes the bar for what your life should be becomes really low and the sad thing about it is that it that it sometimes only looks good compared to the addicts downward spiral. you'll wake up one day and realize that you have you have lived your life day-to-day thinking of the impact your having on the addicts behavior and all that it all was wasted energy since you have NO impact. It will be her decision when she is ready.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
"but I love the girl or who she used to be to death"
You and I could be the same person.
#1 take care of your child and yourself
# know that it is the alcoholics actions and not words, that count
# she will do anything to manipulate/maneuver you
# don't stop loving her
# for the time being the person you knew has left and alcohol has taken her place
# protect yourself legally; if she hurts someone driving or otherwise while intoxicated, you can also be sued and could lose your home, etc.
# it is horrible for us (I went through something similar) and I cried more than imaginable.
# we split physically, she went through different guys until she found a replacement enabler, willing to provide the alcohol base camp, food and shower.
# she blamed all her problems on everyone and everything except alcohol
# abused as child= drink
# sunny day = drink
# cloudy day = drink
# bored = drink
# habitual relief drinking is not normal. I guess anyone of us could have a few drinks to try to get over a bad incident, BUT, it should normally stop.
even if something did indeed trigger active addiction, it will only become relevant after she detoxes during therapy.
maybe if a rehab counselor talks to her and gives her the hard cold facts she may deal with it better than if you say it. she needs to understand the reason behind setting boundaries rather than blaming or being nasty to u
You and I could be the same person.
#1 take care of your child and yourself
# know that it is the alcoholics actions and not words, that count
# she will do anything to manipulate/maneuver you
# don't stop loving her
# for the time being the person you knew has left and alcohol has taken her place
# protect yourself legally; if she hurts someone driving or otherwise while intoxicated, you can also be sued and could lose your home, etc.
# it is horrible for us (I went through something similar) and I cried more than imaginable.
# we split physically, she went through different guys until she found a replacement enabler, willing to provide the alcohol base camp, food and shower.
# she blamed all her problems on everyone and everything except alcohol
# abused as child= drink
# sunny day = drink
# cloudy day = drink
# bored = drink
# habitual relief drinking is not normal. I guess anyone of us could have a few drinks to try to get over a bad incident, BUT, it should normally stop.
even if something did indeed trigger active addiction, it will only become relevant after she detoxes during therapy.
maybe if a rehab counselor talks to her and gives her the hard cold facts she may deal with it better than if you say it. she needs to understand the reason behind setting boundaries rather than blaming or being nasty to u
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: COLORADO
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by steve11694
"but I love the girl or who she used to be to death"
You and I could be the same person.
#1 take care of your child and yourself
# know that it is the alcoholics actions and not words, that count
# she will do anything to manipulate/maneuver you
# don't stop loving her
# for the time being the person you knew has left and alcohol has taken her place
# protect yourself legally; if she hurts someone driving or otherwise while intoxicated, you can also be sued and could lose your home, etc.
# it is horrible for us (I went through something similar) and I cried more than imaginable.
# we split physically, she went through different guys until she found a replacement enabler, willing to provide the alcohol base camp, food and shower.
# she blamed all her problems on everyone and everything except alcohol
# abused as child= drink
# sunny day = drink
# cloudy day = drink
# bored = drink
# habitual relief drinking is not normal. I guess anyone of us could have a few drinks to try to get over a bad incident, BUT, it should normally stop.
even if something did indeed trigger active addiction, it will only become relevant after she detoxes during therapy.
maybe if a rehab counselor talks to her and gives her the hard cold facts she may deal with it better than if you say it. she needs to understand the reason behind setting boundaries rather than blaming or being nasty to u
You and I could be the same person.
#1 take care of your child and yourself
# know that it is the alcoholics actions and not words, that count
# she will do anything to manipulate/maneuver you
# don't stop loving her
# for the time being the person you knew has left and alcohol has taken her place
# protect yourself legally; if she hurts someone driving or otherwise while intoxicated, you can also be sued and could lose your home, etc.
# it is horrible for us (I went through something similar) and I cried more than imaginable.
# we split physically, she went through different guys until she found a replacement enabler, willing to provide the alcohol base camp, food and shower.
# she blamed all her problems on everyone and everything except alcohol
# abused as child= drink
# sunny day = drink
# cloudy day = drink
# bored = drink
# habitual relief drinking is not normal. I guess anyone of us could have a few drinks to try to get over a bad incident, BUT, it should normally stop.
even if something did indeed trigger active addiction, it will only become relevant after she detoxes during therapy.
maybe if a rehab counselor talks to her and gives her the hard cold facts she may deal with it better than if you say it. she needs to understand the reason behind setting boundaries rather than blaming or being nasty to u
She's working on your #3 really hard lately.
She's telling me she hasn't drank in a month, can't I guess casue she has to blow each day, legal requirement I guess. She's been gone for a month and has had the divorce papers served here about 3 weeks ago. I had to talk to her yesterday about my son and she opened up on me about all that has happen and what she's going through. Spoke about how the jail and divorce papers have shown her what's she's done. Told me just about everything to try and get me to stop, get me to give her another chance, get me to allow her to prove to me actually show me that she can be the person she used to be. It is so hard to not let her back in, so hard to not let her try. Everything she said has been said before, I have heard it all. It's like someone just recorded it and played it back to me. Oh but this time it's different becasue of ............ Why do they tear at our hearts so much, why doesn't all the pain they caused up make us stronger and let us stand our ground?
She wants to come home, wants to prove to us she can do this, wants to show us. Wants me to stop the divorce, wants to stay a family. How can I do this, how can I give her that?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by bowhnter7
She's working on your #3 really hard lately.
She's telling me she hasn't drank in a month, can't I guess casue she has to blow each day, legal requirement I guess. She's been gone for a month and has had the divorce papers served here about 3 weeks ago. I had to talk to her yesterday about my son and she opened up on me about all that has happen and what she's going through. Spoke about how the jail and divorce papers have shown her what's she's done. Told me just about everything to try and get me to stop, get me to give her another chance, get me to allow her to prove to me actually show me that she can be the person she used to be. It is so hard to not let her back in, so hard to not let her try. Everything she said has been said before, I have heard it all. It's like someone just recorded it and played it back to me. Oh but this time it's different becasue of ............ Why do they tear at our hearts so much, why doesn't all the pain they caused up make us stronger and let us stand our ground?
She wants to come home, wants to prove to us she can do this, wants to show us. Wants me to stop the divorce, wants to stay a family. How can I do this, how can I give her that?
She's telling me she hasn't drank in a month, can't I guess casue she has to blow each day, legal requirement I guess. She's been gone for a month and has had the divorce papers served here about 3 weeks ago. I had to talk to her yesterday about my son and she opened up on me about all that has happen and what she's going through. Spoke about how the jail and divorce papers have shown her what's she's done. Told me just about everything to try and get me to stop, get me to give her another chance, get me to allow her to prove to me actually show me that she can be the person she used to be. It is so hard to not let her back in, so hard to not let her try. Everything she said has been said before, I have heard it all. It's like someone just recorded it and played it back to me. Oh but this time it's different becasue of ............ Why do they tear at our hearts so much, why doesn't all the pain they caused up make us stronger and let us stand our ground?
She wants to come home, wants to prove to us she can do this, wants to show us. Wants me to stop the divorce, wants to stay a family. How can I do this, how can I give her that?
# honey, I love you more than life itself but because of all the times you have failed on the same promises multiple times and
# being how I gave you multiple opportunities and helped you with all my heart and soul
# we, as a family cannot risk losing everything if you hurt/mame/kill people driving... this will deprive our child of a better future/education and even place to live
# because you understand alcoholism you must know that the only thing that can be trusted are actions, rather than words
# even after divorce, I will love you no less and do the best I can to help you get the monkey off your back
# nothing to stop us from re-uniting as a family once you recover
I would attend open AA meetings and try to find a well recovered person that can talk to your wife about this. Those in recovery are often the best ones to speak with active addicts (you cant BS a BS@itter)
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: South GA
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by bowhnter7
Why do they tear at our hearts so much, why doesn't all the pain they caused up make us stronger and let us stand our ground?
Originally Posted by bowhnter7
She wants to come home, wants to prove to us she can do this, wants to show us. Wants me to stop the divorce, wants to stay a family. How can I do this, how can I give her that?
I loved you with a fire red, now its turning blue
And you say sorry like the angel/heaven let me think was you
but I'm afraid
It's too late to apologize, its too late
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: NH
Posts: 31
It sounds to me like you've done all the right things to help her. I feel just awful for all 3 of you (you, your son and your wife) after reading the post. She has a lot to deal with and I think as much as you may want to help her see this, she's going to have to see it herself in order for rehab/AA etc to be useful. My husband grew up in an abusive alcoholic home and it's only been since we had children that he's struggled to deal with his past issues and like your wife (but not nearly as seriously) has used alcohol to cope with feelings/memories he doesn't want to deal with. Hopefully she'll choose to get help for her and your child. My heart truly goes out to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Thank you for your story and sharing it with us. I haven't read the replies, but I have read your story from start to end, and I will share with you my thoughts.
Firstly, I understand the pain that you are going through - I am currently facing separation from my husband who's alcoholism has become a rage/temper problem along with it and recently hurt me physically. But I am carrying his son, so it is not an easy decision for me.
It sounds like you have gone through a lot of pain with your wife, and I would say that your 12yo son has also gone through a lot of pain. It sounds to me like you are an Enabler/Caretaker. That role is actually (in our own minds) very powerful - because we think that without us, the Alcoholic cannot survive. The alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, but we are addicted to the alcoholic - and we need them, and need them to need us. It sounds ludicrous to you now, I know, because of the pain you are bearing as a result of her drinking.
It is a hard decision to make (to leave our alcoholic spouses), and one that only you can make. I am told that it is possible to live in peace WITH the alcoholic, and to live in peace WITHOUT the alcoholic. I was prepared to live in peace WITH my AH but not at the expense of my son. I was NOT prepared for him to have to adapt to my AH and the chaos and pain he brought to the house. I want the very best for my son and will do everything to protect him, and he comes first. My primary motivation to leave my husband is to do with my son. But secondly, I realised that I am not loving my husband, I am not loving myself, and I am not loving my child by putting up with his behaviour and not setting any boundaries.
The more you take care of your wife, the more she will continue to drink and not experiencing the consequences of her drinking will simply delay her recovery. You need to let her go and experience the consequences of her drinking, whatever that may be. But check your motivation for divorce - is it to force a "rock bottom" on her - is it to motivate her to change? Or is your motivation for divorce to care for yourself and protect your son? Would separation instead be a less-final alternative until you are absolutely sure about this divorce (because you don't sound sure)?
My husband offered me a divorce tonight, but I know he doesn't really want it and was only trying to manipulate me (or maybe to get some reassurance from me that the marriage isn't entirely over?) It's too early for me to be making any decisions about divorce, and unnecessary. And threats of divorce shouldn't be used to manipulate another person into action.
My advice to you would be the following:
Check your motives for a divorce.
Concentrate on giving up the role of Caretaker/Enabler - allow your wife to experience the full impact of her drinking.
Keep your son and children safe. Protect them.
Attend Al-anon and encourage your children to attend Al-Ateen. They will need it. Children of alcoholics are 4x more likely to become alcoholics themselves. Attending Al-Ateen will help to prevent that: they need to process what has been happening to them.
I wish you the very best.
Firstly, I understand the pain that you are going through - I am currently facing separation from my husband who's alcoholism has become a rage/temper problem along with it and recently hurt me physically. But I am carrying his son, so it is not an easy decision for me.
It sounds like you have gone through a lot of pain with your wife, and I would say that your 12yo son has also gone through a lot of pain. It sounds to me like you are an Enabler/Caretaker. That role is actually (in our own minds) very powerful - because we think that without us, the Alcoholic cannot survive. The alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, but we are addicted to the alcoholic - and we need them, and need them to need us. It sounds ludicrous to you now, I know, because of the pain you are bearing as a result of her drinking.
It is a hard decision to make (to leave our alcoholic spouses), and one that only you can make. I am told that it is possible to live in peace WITH the alcoholic, and to live in peace WITHOUT the alcoholic. I was prepared to live in peace WITH my AH but not at the expense of my son. I was NOT prepared for him to have to adapt to my AH and the chaos and pain he brought to the house. I want the very best for my son and will do everything to protect him, and he comes first. My primary motivation to leave my husband is to do with my son. But secondly, I realised that I am not loving my husband, I am not loving myself, and I am not loving my child by putting up with his behaviour and not setting any boundaries.
The more you take care of your wife, the more she will continue to drink and not experiencing the consequences of her drinking will simply delay her recovery. You need to let her go and experience the consequences of her drinking, whatever that may be. But check your motivation for divorce - is it to force a "rock bottom" on her - is it to motivate her to change? Or is your motivation for divorce to care for yourself and protect your son? Would separation instead be a less-final alternative until you are absolutely sure about this divorce (because you don't sound sure)?
My husband offered me a divorce tonight, but I know he doesn't really want it and was only trying to manipulate me (or maybe to get some reassurance from me that the marriage isn't entirely over?) It's too early for me to be making any decisions about divorce, and unnecessary. And threats of divorce shouldn't be used to manipulate another person into action.
My advice to you would be the following:
Check your motives for a divorce.
Concentrate on giving up the role of Caretaker/Enabler - allow your wife to experience the full impact of her drinking.
Keep your son and children safe. Protect them.
Attend Al-anon and encourage your children to attend Al-Ateen. They will need it. Children of alcoholics are 4x more likely to become alcoholics themselves. Attending Al-Ateen will help to prevent that: they need to process what has been happening to them.
I wish you the very best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 12
Yes, there are other options. When my husband was nearing bottom maybe 10 yrs ago, I was like you in that I absolutely didn't want a divorce. We had too much love and too much history between us.
I went to see a lawyer thinking I would see what's involved in a separation agreement. Bless her, she could tell I hated the idea of taking that step, so she came up with a "separation of assets" agreement. This is a legal agreement that divvies up family assets (finances, property, future income). The rationale is that when she drinks, she is putting YOU at horrible risk, financially as well as in other ways. Suppose she runs someone over and you get sued for everything you have and more. So the sep of assets protects you from liability. It's something, at least. In our case, I had a lot to lose and so this was a good strategy for me.
-Be painfully honest with the atty. She needs to know about the drinking.
-Get your numbers and thoughts in order and set aside a time to have a talk.
-Be prepared to go ahead with the plan, with or without your spouse's support or approval.
-Be prepared to do what you say you're going to do. If she doesn't get into recovery, then what...? (In my mind, I thought if he didn't, I would go to the next level -- separation -- but we didn't get that far)
I did all of the above. My husband went to his first aa meeting the next day and has been going to meetings ever since. I pd the lawyer for one hour of her time.
There's no guarantee that this is going to be your wife's reaction, but it's very concrete and objective. It might be a wakeup call for her.
Good luck!
I went to see a lawyer thinking I would see what's involved in a separation agreement. Bless her, she could tell I hated the idea of taking that step, so she came up with a "separation of assets" agreement. This is a legal agreement that divvies up family assets (finances, property, future income). The rationale is that when she drinks, she is putting YOU at horrible risk, financially as well as in other ways. Suppose she runs someone over and you get sued for everything you have and more. So the sep of assets protects you from liability. It's something, at least. In our case, I had a lot to lose and so this was a good strategy for me.
-Be painfully honest with the atty. She needs to know about the drinking.
-Get your numbers and thoughts in order and set aside a time to have a talk.
-Be prepared to go ahead with the plan, with or without your spouse's support or approval.
-Be prepared to do what you say you're going to do. If she doesn't get into recovery, then what...? (In my mind, I thought if he didn't, I would go to the next level -- separation -- but we didn't get that far)
I did all of the above. My husband went to his first aa meeting the next day and has been going to meetings ever since. I pd the lawyer for one hour of her time.
There's no guarantee that this is going to be your wife's reaction, but it's very concrete and objective. It might be a wakeup call for her.
Good luck!
Originally Posted by bowhnter7
I am new here but not new to what’s being talked about.
I have been with my wife since the age of 18 (we are 38 now) back then we were young had twins and had to give them up for adoption. Her mother kicker her out, Dad was an alcoholic that killed himself, she had a pretty hard life. I went to college, got a great job in Colorado in 1991, we bought a house, got married and had a son in 96. Things were going great. She was never a drinker or partier even when young. About 2 years ago the nightly glass of wine turned into 2 or 3, happy person is all it really was. Then she started to take it took far a time or two, nothing too often or serious. Last year the twins we gave up about 18 years ago contacted us (open adoption) and wanted to meet us. We did and for me it was one of the greatest things, for my wife it became a curse. She started drinking heavily and all the horrible stories started with the drinking, ambulances, police, detox, and rehab. You name it, all the same stories I had read but it’s my wife not your husband. Meanwhile my 12 year old son is being involved in all of this. She got back from rehab in early April only to have 5 relapses since, 2 pretty hard ones. The last one just last Monday got physical as she hit me a few times. No big deal it didn’t hurt me but I needed to do something. So after a few phone calls to get support from family and friends I called the cops on her for DV and she was arrested and taken to the hospital because she was really gone by that point. She was then taken to jail. She is out now with nothing, no job, no money, no car and a short list of places to stay and get a meal. There is a protection order against her towards me and the home. I have threatened divorce many times, told her I can't be legally responsible for her anymore. She has driven drunk with my son and others, someday she is going to hurt herself or someone else. I have told her many times after her drinking that that was it, one more time if you don’t find a way to stick to the work and get sober then I am going to sign the papers. Well we are here, I have paid the lawyer, papers are ready to sign and be served and I am wondering if I am doing the right thing?
I have been strapped with all her medical bills resulting in drinking, plus trying to keep a 2 income lifestyle on one. Mentally and financially I am stressed.
She has had a sponsor, been to rehab, counseling, AA meetings 3 to 7 times a week. She just can’t shake the past and the decision she and I make with those twins, she uses the booze to hide the pain. I just don’t know if I can hang any longer, don’t know if I should let me son see anymore, but I love the girl or who she used to be to death. I feel really bad about what I have done and what I am about to try and do. I fear she will not see this as the bottom and try and use it to better herself but will end up making it worse for her.
I am really looking for advice on what to do. I know I am the only one that can really make the decision but I am really torn about doing it. Do I have any other options? Can a divorce be drawn up, signed, served and then put on hold for how ever long?
If you think about it I have been with this girl since she was 18, been taking care of her for a long time, can she make it on her own with this problem? Have I just been and enabler in hibernation until this last two years?
I have been with my wife since the age of 18 (we are 38 now) back then we were young had twins and had to give them up for adoption. Her mother kicker her out, Dad was an alcoholic that killed himself, she had a pretty hard life. I went to college, got a great job in Colorado in 1991, we bought a house, got married and had a son in 96. Things were going great. She was never a drinker or partier even when young. About 2 years ago the nightly glass of wine turned into 2 or 3, happy person is all it really was. Then she started to take it took far a time or two, nothing too often or serious. Last year the twins we gave up about 18 years ago contacted us (open adoption) and wanted to meet us. We did and for me it was one of the greatest things, for my wife it became a curse. She started drinking heavily and all the horrible stories started with the drinking, ambulances, police, detox, and rehab. You name it, all the same stories I had read but it’s my wife not your husband. Meanwhile my 12 year old son is being involved in all of this. She got back from rehab in early April only to have 5 relapses since, 2 pretty hard ones. The last one just last Monday got physical as she hit me a few times. No big deal it didn’t hurt me but I needed to do something. So after a few phone calls to get support from family and friends I called the cops on her for DV and she was arrested and taken to the hospital because she was really gone by that point. She was then taken to jail. She is out now with nothing, no job, no money, no car and a short list of places to stay and get a meal. There is a protection order against her towards me and the home. I have threatened divorce many times, told her I can't be legally responsible for her anymore. She has driven drunk with my son and others, someday she is going to hurt herself or someone else. I have told her many times after her drinking that that was it, one more time if you don’t find a way to stick to the work and get sober then I am going to sign the papers. Well we are here, I have paid the lawyer, papers are ready to sign and be served and I am wondering if I am doing the right thing?
I have been strapped with all her medical bills resulting in drinking, plus trying to keep a 2 income lifestyle on one. Mentally and financially I am stressed.
She has had a sponsor, been to rehab, counseling, AA meetings 3 to 7 times a week. She just can’t shake the past and the decision she and I make with those twins, she uses the booze to hide the pain. I just don’t know if I can hang any longer, don’t know if I should let me son see anymore, but I love the girl or who she used to be to death. I feel really bad about what I have done and what I am about to try and do. I fear she will not see this as the bottom and try and use it to better herself but will end up making it worse for her.
I am really looking for advice on what to do. I know I am the only one that can really make the decision but I am really torn about doing it. Do I have any other options? Can a divorce be drawn up, signed, served and then put on hold for how ever long?
If you think about it I have been with this girl since she was 18, been taking care of her for a long time, can she make it on her own with this problem? Have I just been and enabler in hibernation until this last two years?
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
your post brought tears to my eyes, truly very sad.
In California it takes 6 months for a divorce to be finalized. At any point during the process you can let the ball drop. It is not actually finalized til you sign a paper at the end, and the judge stamps it. Please take care of yourself and your son.
In California it takes 6 months for a divorce to be finalized. At any point during the process you can let the ball drop. It is not actually finalized til you sign a paper at the end, and the judge stamps it. Please take care of yourself and your son.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Hi! Welcome. Sorry you're going through all of this.
I hope you dont mind-I am going to cherry-pick just TWO sentences out of your post.
Re-read the first sentence again and tell me if it helps you answer the second.
I hope you dont mind-I am going to cherry-pick just TWO sentences out of your post.
Originally Posted by bowhnter7
She has driven drunk with my son and others, someday she is going to hurt herself or someone else.
........
I am wondering if I am doing the right thing?
........
I am wondering if I am doing the right thing?
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