whyamistaying

My AH of 18 years is out of control. He has a tresspass charge for when he was drinking, 2 DUIs, has lost his license for 1 year. He went to rehab for 30 days for $8,500. Said he wanted to stop. He has had 4 relapses since being out.

He is drinking again. He left an AA meeting to get beer. He said it was "only 1 beer" that he wasn't driving...

2 weeks ago, I found he had hidden a $350 check under the floor mat and had endorsed it. When confronted with it, he grabbed the check out of my hand and hopped in the car (no license/no insurance). Still no apology...just that he said he likes to have money.

So I am back to square 1 with him. At what point do I just give up? He doesn't say sorry and comes home like everything is okay. So I'm hesitant to say it is a relapse because I feel he is actively drinking again.

I fear that he will eventually lose his job. With each legal instance, it gets worse and worse. We have 2 kids and I keep saying that I should stay for them.

Still Waters

If nothing changes, then nothing changes. Sounds like the only change is for the worse.

If you could see into the future, and knew that this is as good as it was going to get, would you stay?

Is there anything stopping you from moving on, and providing the kids with a calm, loving, and safe home while he gets on with whatever it is he wants out of his life?

Just some thoughts for you. But to answer your question, we all have to hit our own breaking point where we're done. When I was done, I knew it.

Ago

Welcome

peruse the board, read the "stories" check out the "stickies" at the top of the forum.

I do have one question, what are you "waiting for"?

He's shown by his actions he is evidently not going to change, so are you waiting for "more of the same"?

If so I suspect it's not going to be a long wait.

I found I "gave up" when I "gave up", I'm sorry not to be clearer, but it's the truth. I "gave up" when I absolutely couldn't do it for another day, when I realized that nothing was ever going to change unless I was the one that made the change. It takes what it takes, and it's different for all of us.

I gave up when I allowed the possibility of something different in my life. Then I made that my reality.

Good luck, keep posting, we are glad you are here.

ellima01

Everyone has the "final straw" mine was finding the wh**e in my house with him- 2 days after he got a warrant out forher arrest for stalking- that was it- the level of lies and manipulation wasjust to much- I guess each person has that moment.

LaTeeDa

The three A's come to mind. Awareness, Acceptance, Action. They happen in that order, and that middle one is the hardest. Most people think Action is the hard one. That's because they haven't Accepted yet. Once you Accept that he is exactly who he is, that your life is exactly they way it is, and that the chances are much greater it will stay this way than suddenly change into what you want it to be, then the Action will come.

I wish someone had given me the advice to work on Acceptance before taking Action. I would have taken my actions with a much clearer head.

He is who he is. Can you accept that?

L

GiveLove

I had the same experience. After a lot of work becoming Aware of what was really going on, I finally Accepted the fact that he was living the life he wanted, and that I was willingly going into middle and old age with someone who was going to cause me to be deeply unhappy and sick. I accepted reality, and stopped fantasizing about him completely changing his stripes into what I wanted him to be.

Only then could I visualize what my next Actions might be.

That happens differently for everyone. We all hit our "bottom" at a different time. I am glad you found us. Alcoholism is sad, but a lot of people have found their way back to happiness regardless. And we help each other to become Aware, among other things...

ToughChoices

I'm sorry that you are going through this, whyamistaying.

My (ex) husband's return from rehab was a really confusing time for me. He admitted to his alcoholism, took some steps towards addressing those issues, completed 30 days of inpatient treatment, and STILL drank.

But after he drank he'd say - "It was just a slip," or "What do you want? I'm not perfect, but I'm trying." And I would question my boundaries. I would be so hurt by his drinking, but I would wonder if it was wrong of me to want SOBRIETY. I was a basketcase of guilt and anger and confusion.

So......be gentle with yourself. It's OK to want whatever it is that you want. It's OK to say, "This behavior isn't alright with me." I found it very difficult to stand up for what I wanted because deep inside I knew that my XAH wasn't going to give it to me. I knew that if I said, "I will not live with this," I was not going to be able to live with him. His actions demonstrated, over and over again, that the behaviors I found so unacceptable could not be separated from the man that I loved. They were HIS behaviors. They were part of the package deal.

When I accepted that package - good, bad, and ugly - I knew that I couldn't thrive in the marriage. I began to take steps to get out. Eventually the path was clear for me.

I'm sending you lots of love and good vibes. So glad that you are here!
-TC

Daisy30

I agree with LTD.

That is the exact order it happened for me. I was angry! Very angry for a long time, I was angry at the lies, the drinking, the manipulation, invalidated feelings. I hit my bottom. So I started going to al-anon and educating myself about the disease (I love the book Marriage on the Rocks). I learned to accept his disease. Accept that this is who he is and the anger went away, yet I was still unhappy. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't do it to the kids anymore. The bad out weighed the good. I felt overwhelming guilt that I let it go on this long and then I left. We have been seperated for almost 6 months now. I had left a few times before, for a day or a few days but I always bought into the cycle and went back thinking he would change. He still hasn't. That is my reality.

Was it easy, NO (you can read some of my old posts) Letting go is hard. I had to let go of the "dream" I wanted my marriage to be and face te reality of what it was/is.

There were so many times I wanted to go back. The day I moved out, I actually had to start looking in his "hiding" places again for alcohol. It was like I needed the physical reminder that "yes" he is an alcoholic.

I find WAY more peace w/ myself and the kids here w/o him. They get to see AH for visitations (supervised by me). It is better that way. They do not have to watch their father deteriorate before their eyes.

I don't know when the right time is for you. We all come to it in our own time.

whyamistaying

What am I waiting for? I don't know. I filled out divorce papers a week ago, but never filed when he drank then.

In answer to your question, if I could see into the future, would I stay? If I had no kids. No. I would leave him in a heartbeat. I don't love him anymore. He has lied to me too many times. Our marriage is in shambles and I can't trust him.

The thing stopping me is that I don't want to get another job. I make enough to cover the mortgage, but not for the expenses so I will come up short.

He talked to me tonight about his drinking -- 1 beer -- and said he doesn't like AA and doesn't know what to tell me. That he doesn't want to drink. I asked him about his gameplan and he has none as far as drinking.

So I decide if I can stand being married to a man who can't drive for another 10 months, has 2 DUIs, and incapable of going to AA to work on himself. What scares me is that I don't know what his bottom is and I don't know if I want to be around for it when it hits.

blessed4x

I would have "celebrated" my 22nd anniversary this year. I waited a really long time for my STBXAH to be someone he's not. I had enough when I joined SR, started Alanon and counseling, and found out I didn't have to live the way I was. The stories of others who found peace and contentment helped me go out and get some of my very own.

My STBXAH went to AA on the advice of his attorney and tells everyone he hasn't had a drink in a couple months.....I am happy for him if in fact he is working toward recovery and not manipulation to get back to his status quo. I have had to stand against some pretty stiff criticism for not calling off the divorce because, after all, he is trying. For me, I had to get to the place where filing for a divorce was not an attempt to change my husband. People don't get that, and that's okay because they didn't live with him when he was actively drinking.

I heard from so many folks "you know when you know". I found that to be true.

ToughChoices

Well, it sounds as though you see your situation pretty clearly. There's not a lot of denial in that post.


You are honest here, as well. There are sacrifices that must be made in the name of change. Sometimes financial security, sometimes the family home, sometimes friendships, sometimes precious dreams. Leaving is tough. You know this.

In my experience, staying was MUCH tougher. On myself and on my child.

isurvived

I had enough when I realized that if I didn't get off the sinking boat it was surely going to take me down with it. I lasted that long.

laurie6781

Welcome to SR. You have found a GREAT place!

I understand what you are saying, but I would like you to look at this from another angle and to think about the examples you are setting for your children. You are teaching them that disrespect (and yes he is disrespecting you) is okay. You are teaching them that alcoholism although an affliction that is hard to overcome is A-OK. I know they are feeling the tension in the house.

After you read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, I would like to suggest you go over and read the the 'stickys' in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum. That will give you an idea of what kind of long term affect this is going to have on the children.

This does not mean you have to 'divorce.' What it means is setting some firm boundaries for you and the children, and possibly a 'legal separation' until HIS ACTIONS show that he is committed to recovery and is working a program of recovery.

He doesn't 'like AA' because he is NOT ready to commit to sobriety yet and AA makes him REAL UNCOMFORTABLE.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let un know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Tryingtobefree

Welcome - please take some time to read the stickies at the top. They really are enormously helpful.

I recently left my ABF of 3 years and wondered, as you are, what would finally be enough for me. Interestingly, it wasn't anything major or dramatic or anything else I hadn't dealt with any number of times.

I had heard so many people on this board say "you will know when you've had enough". I always thought I'd had enough and wondered what they meant. The truth is - you WILL know when you've had enough.

You will know it in your heart, mind and soul. It "feels" different. Your perspective of the situation changes and how you see everything changes. Within 4 days of that moment I had packed and moved back to my home state.

In order the leave the situation I had to give up a very well paying job, put everything I own in storage and move back in with my parents. Right now I have no money, no job and no real independence whatsoever. And it has been well worth it.

I now have peace and clarity. It will take me quite a while to build up to where I was before I met ABF but I feel very grateful to have the chance to rebuild my life.

My XABF is an amazing person and I still speak with him everyday but only as a friend. I could no longer take the terrible roller coaster of destruction that I was on and it finally was enough.

MeHandle

How do I know when I have had enough.....
well, if I had as much as you have had I would say I would have had more then enough.

It sounds like you have had enough as you comment that you believe you should stay for the kids. <--Do you see this? You might need to decided if you think they should have anymore.

love tam

whyamistaying

Thank you for the replies. I often feel like no one understands and it means so much to hear from others who have been in my shoes so to speak.

I will read the sticky about children of alcoholics. A part of why I don't want to leave is that I have to give up the dream that I will have 4 kids. I have 2 young kids, but I always wanted a big family. I will be 35 this year so if I leave the chances of me finding someone again, marrying, and having more children are slim IMO. Honestly, I can't have kids with him now...not in this state. It would be fair to a child and would only add to the mess.

The reason I have a hard time thinking of staying even if he doesn't seek recovery is that he has gone to a neighbor's house at 3:00 am drunk, he has totalled a car and gotten a DUI, 4 months later he got another DUI with 4x the legal limit. He has lied to me almost on a daily basis and stolen jewelry to buy beer. So, I don't see how I can stay with someone who isn't actively working on not drinking.

But, I do. I haven't the papers ready to go and yet I'm not at the courthouse. So something is wrong with me. Why I insist on sitting here to watch this trainwreck, I don't know.

prodigal

As Melodie Beattie says in Codepent No More, the worst grief we will suffer is the death of our dreams. Are you willing to give up the dream of four children in order to get out of this situation?

If you do not want this man to be the father of any future children, are you willing to be content loving and nurturing the children you have in a healthy environment?

Or do you feel that your dream of four children is so compelling that you can leave this man, divorce him, and find another man whom you hope will be a good father and husband for the other children you want?

Perhaps you should consider tabling your dream, grieving its loss, and loving the children you have - without an alcoholic in the picture. There is nothing that rules out your finding a man in the future who could be a great father to the children you have now, and a great husband to you.

Consider giving up your dream - at least for the time being - for the sake and sanity of yourself and the kids.

TakingCharge999

Welcome whyamistaying, there is much strength, experience and wisdom around these rooms. Thank you for sharing and trusting us.

In order to have a big family, first you have to have a family. What is a family? For me, it is a relationship of love and tenderness between human beings, commonly, but not necessarily, united by blood (talk about an open definition!).

Something to reflect on. You are exposing 2 young kids to an active alcoholic. You accept you no longer love him. OK. But what about the love for your kids? If you are distressed about the alcoholic doing what alcoholics do - imagine how it is like for your children. They may not understand, they may not have words to describe what they feel, but your indifference, the tension, his rage... these kids are absorbing all of it like sponges. You are their only representation, the only protection they have. What are you offering them? It seems the only true love there is the one from the alcoholic to the bottle.

If you want to have 2 more kids, perhaps you could discuss options with your doc? I just went with one yesterday and she told me it is possible to freeze eggs and use them later for these cases as it is the age of the egg that makes pregnancy riskier, not the actual age of the woman. Of course, I am not a doctor, I am just throwing some possibilities here. Your dream may be attainable in different ways that do not force you to live with a toxic person in denial.

For me, I realized it was time to go:

When the company's janitor, a woman who I had never even seen in my whole life, showed me more respect and compassion than the "Love of My Life" I was living with. (Now I describe him as "active alcoholic in denial with agressive tendencies")

When AH abused verbally and witnessed me crying my heart out - then proceeded to do the same the following week (after "heartfelt" apologies of course, man are they running from scripts.)

When I left our house with a sleeping bag to live with a girl friend that 'rescued' me, and I was very sad packing - while he was getting ready to get out and drink already. Rumor has it he was already seeing his new girlfriend (new enabler). To imagine how I tried to comfort him while he was putting on his best shirt, lotion and combing his hair a certain way, twistes my stomach 8 months later.

Er... sorry, back to the topic... (a.k.a. YOU...)

First things first: you - your 2 kids. How are you going to protect them? How are you going to protect yourself?

Hugs!

tallulah

Welcome to SR :ghug

I found that my ‘enough’ didn’t come with any explosions or as a result of anything dramatic (that came later). It was a final acceptance that I could be willing to work through the issues together etc but if the other person was stuck it would get nowhere. It was asking myself, is this it? It was listening to what I wanted and not settling any more. It was realising that the situation was slowly killing off potential.. my potential. It was triggered by one thing that I could have ignored… but this time I didn’t.

I think you know when enough is enough when you know enough is enough. It often comes out of the blue and once you listen to that voice telling you, you wonder how on earth you ignored it for so long.

gowest

This is a big one and bears rereading.

When everybody around you, including strangers, is treating you with more kindness than the person you live with it is time to go - (in my opinion and I'm not saying it is easy - no judgement here)

I'm getting divorced. I'm going to be 42 and have 2 teenagers.
I get asked out all the time!!
(I'm smart, pretty, athletic, quirky but no fashion model)
(no chemistry with any one but that is a whole other thread)

Seriously, there is no reason that you won't meet some one by the time you are 39 and have another baby. You might meet someone who has 3 young kids of their own and end up with a huge fabulous blended family.

If your stay you are guaranteeing that your dreams will never come true.
If you leave at least there is the possibility.

you never know what may happen when you make a step forward and change ... the possibilities are endless