LaTeeDa

I am the child of an alcoholic father and a codependent mother. My mother is the child of an alcoholic father and a codependent mother. My father (who is deceased) was the child of two alcoholics. I married an alcoholic and stayed married to him for 18 years. My sister is married to an alcoholic. My brother is an alcoholic who has spent time in jail for physically abusing his wife. It runs in families, but it's more than just genetics. It's examples and role models and conditioning.

Does your dream of a big family include your children growing up to repeat the cycle? Do you want your children to have the life you are living now for their future? Is the relationship you have with your husband the kind of marriage you wish for your children? This is what they are learning, and this is what they will emulate when they grow up. Is that what you want for them?

I chose to stop the cycle in my family, yet my children lived with it for many years. My biggest fear is that I didn't act soon enough and they will go down the same path. I convinced myself I was staying for the children's sake. I told myself that breaking up the family was going to hurt them. I hurt them far more by staying as long as I did.

L

FreeBird09

If I could have changed anything, I would have taken my children out of my home when they were small and their father (my XAXH) was an alcoholic and an abuser. They now struggle with issues, including abuse. I can't get back yesterday, but if I can give anyone advice on that, I would say RUNNNNNNNN...... and take the kids with you! I stayed 23 years for the sake of the kids, what a MISTAKE!. What a shame, what an atrocity. The reality is, I stayed because I was afraid of changing myself, now my kids suffer because of my choices. I say this, the kids didn't ask to be brought into this world, the least we can do is choose them over ourselves. My youngest is 15 and I would rather be ALONE then to subject him to one other person who is abusive in any way, shape or form!. I took him out of the relationship when he was 11, he is very different then my other children, in the way he handles himself. Even a few years makes one heck of a difference. Even living with the AXBF, it was better then living with an abusive alcoholic husband (now X)

Tryingtobefree

I also stayed much longer than I should have. Intellectually I realized that it was the right thing to do but my heart had a much harder time accepting it.

Please know that I am also the child of an alcoholic and even though my father became sober when I was in my late teens there was a lot of damage that was done - both to myself and my brother. Please think about what your children are unconsciously absorbing. You may think they don't notice but believe me they are aware of far more than you might think. Even if they can't verbalize it or put all the pieces together yet they know something isn't right.

Even though you are 35 there is still time for you to have more children if that is what you want - I just turned 39 and I still believe I have the opportunity to find the right person for myself and build a family if I choose to.

In the end it only matters what life you want for you and your children.

whyamistaying

Thanks everyone. I do believe it does have an affect on our kids. I kicked AH out for a week and then he chose to go to rehab for 30 days. This was 2 months ago and she still says when he leaves for work "Are you coming back?"

Thank you for the insight. If I want more kids, maybe freeze eggs or give up the dream. And if I want to leave, I must give up the dream.

Tryingtobefree

That was a really big part of why I stayed so long - I didn't want to give up the dream that he would choose to be sober and we would have the life we had planned.

I finally realized that's all it was - a dream. The reality was that I didn't have a partner who was fully committed to the relationship. I didn't have someone I could count on and plan to grow old with.

The night that I packed I laid on the floor and cried. I looked around our home and thought of every thing we had talked about and all the things we wanted to do. And I knew that it would never happen. I couldn't even look at the chicken in the fridge without crying because it was a dinner we had planned that we would never eat.

But it got better quickly once I left. The peace and sanity I have now is wonderful.

I had to make new dreams for myself and this time there is no one that can take away or destroy those dreams but me.

tallulah

To kind of echo what Tryingtobefree said..

It has taken me going through this experience to realise.. but your dreams are so precious and fragile. They are your potential.. little goals you hope you will attain. Why hand them to someone who will not take care of them, move towards them with you encouraging you to be everything you could be? Why hand them to someone who probably doesn't even acknowledge them and if they do, they belittle them or crush them or invalidate them?

I also want to echo what LTD said.. Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Seems like you have the first one.. you WILL come to the second and that will take as long as it takes because it is not just on an intellectual level but and emotional level, but it is strangely a relief when you do.. then finally you'll move to the third and like LTD says, it looks on paper to be the hardest but once you are through the first two stages it comes easily.

:ghug

LaTeeDa

What I think about dreams. Dreams are wonderful to have. They give us hope and point us in the right direction when choices come along. The problem comes from not having enough of them. Having 'tunnel vision' on just one dream. I had the dream of a happy intact family, growing old together, two rocking chairs together on the porch, etc. That's a nice dream. The problem is, it requires someone else to have the same dream in order for it to come true. Other people don't always share my dreams. I have to accept that.

These days, I have many dreams. I dream of owning a hot springs resort in the mountains. I dream of traveling around the country in an RV and capturing, through photography, the diversity of American life. I dream of discovering new places and people who enrich my life. These dreams don't require the cooperation of one particular person--except me.

I accept that I may not get everything I dream of. I also accept that my dreams change and evolve and adapt to whatever circumstances life sends my way. And I accept that whatever life has in store for me might be even more wonderful than anything I can conjure up in my head.

Dreams, for me now, are fluid. Not rigid and demanding. I am more open to the possibilities and opportunities in front of me. I am not so stuck on one dream that I miss the life that is waiting for me.

L

Janitw

When do you know when its time to go ????

When the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving........

JMHO
Janitw

whereami

Never stay for the kids...you should say you are leaving for the kids...they will always question why they can't make him happy, is it their fault he is sick so much...I wouldn't want them to grow up in anything but a safe warm home...right?