What is wrong with me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 1
What is wrong with me?
I’m new to this forum and I’m not sure where to introduce myself, so I’m going to do it here because I am not “in recovery.” I am married to an alcoholic and I hate him. Two days ago, he completed a 21-day alcohol rehab program through the VA Medical Center (he’s a veteran). It was the first time he had ever entered into any kind of rehab or even admitted that he had a problem. I was hopeful, but skeptical. The day he came home I tried to be positive, friendly, encouraging. Everything was fine and then all of sudden, he was griping because he couldn’t find any clean towels and he accused me of not doing any laundry during the 21 days he was gone, then he decided were missing several glasses out of the kitchen and where in the heck where they, what kind of crap had been going on while he was gone. He disappears into the basement for a while and I become suspicious because that where he hides his alcohol and sneaks his drinks. When he finally comes back upstairs, I believe he’s been drinking and so when he comes to hug on me, I try to smell his breath. He is immediately onto me and says my mistrust is going to hurt his sobriety. That “they” told him rehab that people around him would treat him this way and make him drink. He then storms out of the house and leaves for two hours. And you guessed it, comes home drunk. He didn’t even make it 24 hours out of rehab before he relapsed and his excuse was that I treated him like dirt because mistrusted him.
I’m not crying or sad or even disappointed. I’m just pissed off. I’ve been talking divorce for a very long time. Every time I talk about it, he gets drunk and threatens suicide even to the extent that he will cut himself superficially with a razor blade just to upset me. I’ve stopped getting upset. Heck, I’ve stopped caring period. I’ve asked him repeatedly to leave to which he always promises to quit drinking and never behave this way again.
Now here I am once again looking at him passed out on the couch, two days out of rehab feeling like a complete and utter fool! He should not be in my house. I should not have given him another chance. This marriage should have been over a long time ago. What is wrong with me?
I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting. I’m not a person who opens up easily, especially to a room full of strangers. I know that I have my issues and that I have been an enabler, etc. Tell me something, how do you deal with the anger, the rage? I can’t stand to even look at him. He refuses to leave “his” house and since he hasn’t worked for four years and I paid for this house, I’m certainly not leaving it. I absolutely hate him. He’s the father of my children, and I cannot bare to have him in the same room with me. The only thing that has kept me from completely severing ties with him is my daughter. She worries that her dad will be homeless. She says her dad can’t survive without me. She is constantly asking me “will he be all right?” My son used to be that way when he was little too. Now, at 17, he begs me to get rid of his dad, make him leave. Problem is he won’t leave without a fight which will in turn upset my daughter.
So here I am, on a sober recovery discussion forum, anonymously spilling my guts to total strangers. I really hate myself. What kind of mother allows her children suffer emotionally because of their father? What kind of woman lives with a man who chooses his drug over his kids, his marriage? What is wrong with me?
I’m not crying or sad or even disappointed. I’m just pissed off. I’ve been talking divorce for a very long time. Every time I talk about it, he gets drunk and threatens suicide even to the extent that he will cut himself superficially with a razor blade just to upset me. I’ve stopped getting upset. Heck, I’ve stopped caring period. I’ve asked him repeatedly to leave to which he always promises to quit drinking and never behave this way again.
Now here I am once again looking at him passed out on the couch, two days out of rehab feeling like a complete and utter fool! He should not be in my house. I should not have given him another chance. This marriage should have been over a long time ago. What is wrong with me?
I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting. I’m not a person who opens up easily, especially to a room full of strangers. I know that I have my issues and that I have been an enabler, etc. Tell me something, how do you deal with the anger, the rage? I can’t stand to even look at him. He refuses to leave “his” house and since he hasn’t worked for four years and I paid for this house, I’m certainly not leaving it. I absolutely hate him. He’s the father of my children, and I cannot bare to have him in the same room with me. The only thing that has kept me from completely severing ties with him is my daughter. She worries that her dad will be homeless. She says her dad can’t survive without me. She is constantly asking me “will he be all right?” My son used to be that way when he was little too. Now, at 17, he begs me to get rid of his dad, make him leave. Problem is he won’t leave without a fight which will in turn upset my daughter.
So here I am, on a sober recovery discussion forum, anonymously spilling my guts to total strangers. I really hate myself. What kind of mother allows her children suffer emotionally because of their father? What kind of woman lives with a man who chooses his drug over his kids, his marriage? What is wrong with me?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by LoCo19 
all of sudden, he was griping
when he comes to hug on me, I try to smell his breath. He is immediately onto me and says my mistrust is going to hurt his sobriety. That “they” told him rehab that people around him would treat him this way and make him drink.
when he comes to hug on me, I try to smell his breath. He is immediately onto me and says my mistrust is going to hurt his sobriety. That “they” told him rehab that people around him would treat him this way and make him drink.
Originally Posted by LoCo19
I’m just pissed off. I’ve been talking divorce for a very long time. Every time I talk about it, he gets drunk and threatens suicide even to the extent that he will cut himself superficially with a razor blade just to upset me.
Originally Posted by LoCo19
Now here I am once again looking at him passed out on the couch, two days out of rehab feeling like a complete and utter fool! He should not be in my house. I should not have given him another chance. This marriage should have been over a long time ago. What is wrong with me?
Originally Posted by LoCo19
Tell me something, how do you deal with the anger, the rage?
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
I forgave the A in my life. I realized I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS ALCOHOLISM. Sure, he tried to convince me in the past that I was the "problem." But the more certain I became deep down inside that his drinking was his addiction to own, I was able to let it go.
It takes work. It takes time. But I thank my HP today that I'm not having migraines, upset stomachs, sleepless nights, or any other sort of emotional upheaval due to somebody else's addiction - an addiction over which I have no control, and I did not cause.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I am sorry you are in such pain but glad you found your way in here. This place helped me find my way to a better life. It can help you too.
I echo Prodigal. Its time to take care of your own issues and find your road to a better place. AlAnon, therapy, here, reading. Whatever helps you understand yourself and helps you change inthe ways you see yourself needing to change.
I echo Prodigal. Its time to take care of your own issues and find your road to a better place. AlAnon, therapy, here, reading. Whatever helps you understand yourself and helps you change inthe ways you see yourself needing to change.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 60
Wecome, loco! There are many wise and experienced people here who can offer very solid advice.
I was in the same place as you emotionally right before I left my ABF.
The good news is that you are recognizing the damage this is doing to you and most importantly to your children. I am also the child of an A and I do believe that had a lot to do with the partners I chose in my life although my last relationship was the only A I've ever been with.
I was about your daughters age when my father became sober but we never talked about the impact his alcoholism had on our family and our psyche.
I see one big red flag in your post with regard to your daughter - she is scared he will not survive without you. That is how most of us started down the road which led us to our A's. We learned at early ages that it was our job to take care of other people because they were incapable of taking care of themselves. The truth is that people are capable of taking care of themselves - they are just choosing not to.
Please think about Alateen for your children. They can learn better there than anywhere that they did not cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. They can learn solid coping skills and it really could change the course of their lives.
I'm not a group person myself and I really didn't speak much at the few Alanon meetings I went to but I can tell you that they made a world of difference for me. I also read their book "Courage to Change".
Those things and this board really helped me to move forward, whether my XABF was drinking at the time or not, in a positive, healthy way.
I was in the same place as you emotionally right before I left my ABF.
The good news is that you are recognizing the damage this is doing to you and most importantly to your children. I am also the child of an A and I do believe that had a lot to do with the partners I chose in my life although my last relationship was the only A I've ever been with.
I was about your daughters age when my father became sober but we never talked about the impact his alcoholism had on our family and our psyche.
I see one big red flag in your post with regard to your daughter - she is scared he will not survive without you. That is how most of us started down the road which led us to our A's. We learned at early ages that it was our job to take care of other people because they were incapable of taking care of themselves. The truth is that people are capable of taking care of themselves - they are just choosing not to.
Please think about Alateen for your children. They can learn better there than anywhere that they did not cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. They can learn solid coping skills and it really could change the course of their lives.
I'm not a group person myself and I really didn't speak much at the few Alanon meetings I went to but I can tell you that they made a world of difference for me. I also read their book "Courage to Change".
Those things and this board really helped me to move forward, whether my XABF was drinking at the time or not, in a positive, healthy way.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family, LoCo.
I'm sorry that your life is chaos, and you have such anger in your soul. It brought you here and that is a step in the right direction. When you pull up the friends and family forum on SR, there is a section of popular posts (a.k.a. stickies) at the top of the page. When you have the time, read through those posts. You will find out that you are not alone in this. There are many souls here that have gone through the same thing.
I attend Al-anon when I can and have taken my teens to an open meeting. We all realized that the ages, faces, drug of choice, and cities may change; but the effect of addiction is similar in all our our lives and homes.
The title of your thread: What is wrong with me?
Nothing! You didn't cause the addiction
You can't control the addiction
You can't cure the addiction.
You may have reached your "bottom" and that is sometimes what it takes to start making the positive changes we need to make to take care of ourselves and our children.
One of the first positive steps I made when I was ready to end the cycle, was to stop financially enabling my A. That meant I had to let him bounce checks, miss payment dates, accumulate late charges, etc. I was always scrambling around trying to make sure money was in the account to cover expenses and he never gave it a care. I was cutting out grocery money to cover bills, but he always had money for beer and cigs?!
Take care of yourself, come here and read as much as you can and post as often as you need. We care about you! :ghug
I'm sorry that your life is chaos, and you have such anger in your soul. It brought you here and that is a step in the right direction. When you pull up the friends and family forum on SR, there is a section of popular posts (a.k.a. stickies) at the top of the page. When you have the time, read through those posts. You will find out that you are not alone in this. There are many souls here that have gone through the same thing.
I attend Al-anon when I can and have taken my teens to an open meeting. We all realized that the ages, faces, drug of choice, and cities may change; but the effect of addiction is similar in all our our lives and homes.
The title of your thread: What is wrong with me?
Nothing! You didn't cause the addiction
You can't control the addiction
You can't cure the addiction.
You may have reached your "bottom" and that is sometimes what it takes to start making the positive changes we need to make to take care of ourselves and our children.
One of the first positive steps I made when I was ready to end the cycle, was to stop financially enabling my A. That meant I had to let him bounce checks, miss payment dates, accumulate late charges, etc. I was always scrambling around trying to make sure money was in the account to cover expenses and he never gave it a care. I was cutting out grocery money to cover bills, but he always had money for beer and cigs?!
Take care of yourself, come here and read as much as you can and post as often as you need. We care about you! :ghug
Last edited by Pelican; 06-19-2009 at 07:14 AM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
LoCo,
It may seem to you that you've spilled your troubles on the table to total strangers, but the truth is any of us could have written your same post. We all share the same story in some form or another... my situation was very much like yours.
I know you are feeling hopeless right now, and life is a blur. It's because you and your family are on the Merry-go-round of alcoholism. Once you jump off, it takes a while for the ground to stop spinning - but it does and with support, you will be much better and can get on with your life.
You've found a great source of help on this site. Also, find your local alanon meetings and go. Those people are also struggling with the same feelings. It will help.
Oh, and I will add too... it is NOT your fault. Never was. Not any of it!
It may seem to you that you've spilled your troubles on the table to total strangers, but the truth is any of us could have written your same post. We all share the same story in some form or another... my situation was very much like yours.
I know you are feeling hopeless right now, and life is a blur. It's because you and your family are on the Merry-go-round of alcoholism. Once you jump off, it takes a while for the ground to stop spinning - but it does and with support, you will be much better and can get on with your life.
You've found a great source of help on this site. Also, find your local alanon meetings and go. Those people are also struggling with the same feelings. It will help.
Oh, and I will add too... it is NOT your fault. Never was. Not any of it!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
LOL, mine too would say things were missing and blame the kiddo for taking/hiding them. What an a$$.
That anger is going to make you sick, physically ill. Al-anon, here or counseling can help you focus your energy in positive ways instead. You just have to get to a point where you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. The sooner you get to that point though, the better for your children.
Keep in mind that your husband isn't really doing all this to you, he's just doing it 'cause this is what he is: an alcoholic.
That anger is going to make you sick, physically ill. Al-anon, here or counseling can help you focus your energy in positive ways instead. You just have to get to a point where you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. The sooner you get to that point though, the better for your children.
Keep in mind that your husband isn't really doing all this to you, he's just doing it 'cause this is what he is: an alcoholic.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks Still Waters
I agree... what hurt me a lot was thinking it was about ME, that perhaps I could have done something differently, be better, etc. etc. something could have changed but its true, that is what active alcoholics do... hurt and destroy without mercy until they get tired, too hurt themselves, get locked up in jail or they die. Sad but true.
The best you can do is stay away from the insanity.
Here go the 3 Cs:
/ you did not cause it
/ you cannot control it
/ you cannot cure it
Our Cs:
/ we should not cooperate with addiction (cushioning the consequences of their acts)
/ we should not count the drinks, or judge their recovery (or lack of).. we are not God
And a Personal P I stole from a poster called anvilhead:
/ it was never your job to prevent this.
I hope you protect your children, its understandable your daughter will be hurt but tell me, what is worse than living with an active alcoholic? Please make sure she understands the C's above, I agree Ala teen literature could provide great help.
And you are not among strangers but friends, we all understand here...
I agree... what hurt me a lot was thinking it was about ME, that perhaps I could have done something differently, be better, etc. etc. something could have changed but its true, that is what active alcoholics do... hurt and destroy without mercy until they get tired, too hurt themselves, get locked up in jail or they die. Sad but true.
The best you can do is stay away from the insanity.
Here go the 3 Cs:
/ you did not cause it
/ you cannot control it
/ you cannot cure it
Our Cs:
/ we should not cooperate with addiction (cushioning the consequences of their acts)
/ we should not count the drinks, or judge their recovery (or lack of).. we are not God
And a Personal P I stole from a poster called anvilhead:
/ it was never your job to prevent this.
I hope you protect your children, its understandable your daughter will be hurt but tell me, what is worse than living with an active alcoholic? Please make sure she understands the C's above, I agree Ala teen literature could provide great help.
And you are not among strangers but friends, we all understand here...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I am married to an alcoholic and I hate him.
You are in the right place
You will find a ton of support and experience here with people going through exactly what you are
Keep posting, you have gotten some great support and advice that I really can't add to.
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