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Old 05-22-2009, 08:32 AM
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How many of you

Have been down this road before:

After last night and this morning, ABF calls and asks the question "Do you even want me around anymore". I kindly tell him that unless he is clean and sober I think it is best for him to find his own place and we go our seperate ways. I was sturn and matter of fact. He agreed to help himself. He said that my dad and his dad did it by themselves that he's strong enough to do it to. I told him that was fine but if he falls of the wagon, the only way I'll stay with him is to actually get treatment of some kind.

This is his first attempt at trying to get clean and sober. He asked me to help him and I told him only if he helps himself. I told him it's going to be a long road, but he has a choice to walk alone or have me and his son beside him. He's a strong willed man so I'm hoping this is a valid attempt.

Now raise your hand if any of you have given this situation a shot? How did it end up?
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Old 05-22-2009, 09:00 AM
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Well, it delayed the inevitable for a while. I think I didn't recognize at the time that he was doing it for ME, now he is doing it to keep his pride in tact, and hopefully someday he will REALLY do it for HIM....that's the one most likely to stick. You might be in the small percentage of the lucky ones though. I think it really depends on his level of integrity (as indicated in history) and how far the A has progressed.
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Old 05-22-2009, 09:02 AM
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Hi, Broken. I too have been asked that question and looking back it seems as if it were more (unconscious) manipulation on his part to keep me in the relationship.

My ABF has tried quitting on his own more than once and unfortunately, it never seemed to take. I believe there is a large part of him that wants it out of his life but I recently had to leave because he would stay sober for a bit and then the "secret" drinking would begin then progress to the all out binging for weeks.

Mine is also a very strong willed man but without some type of support system (AA, counseling) it will not work for him. There are too many issues within him besides the drinking that also need to be worked out. I always thought if he could just quit everything would be fine. I realized when he did quit that some of the behaviors I thought were a result of his drinking were still there and unless he addressed the issues causing that behavior the drinking would soon follow.

Since I left (3 weeks now) he has appeared to be sober but I have my doubts. The first two weeks were all promises and what he was going to do to get me back. This last week has shifted to blaming me for everything and telling me how unhappy he was the last two years. Not a word about the damage and destruction he created with his drinking and how the drinking might have created problems in the relationship.

Again, for my ABF, unless he has some type of support system and help in addition to quitting it really doesn't change much.

My only advice would be if you decide to stay in the relationship please keep your eyes open and focus on yourself.
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Old 05-22-2009, 09:03 AM
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I honestly think that if someone is showing signs of recovery (i.e. working a program, attending meetings, and is actually sober) then they deserve some support. Men are really like dogs or children in a lot of ways - it's all about behavior modification. See, if you stay with a man who doesn't treat you right, then you are rewarding him for bad behavior, and that gets everything twisted. Instead, if he continues to let you down (or really, not take care of himself and stay sober) then stop rewarding his bad behavior and leave. Don't turn his problems into your problems, and you've got to do what's best for your child: protect him!
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Old 05-22-2009, 09:23 AM
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In my experience it was simply a way to get me and his family off his back so he could continue to go on his merry insane journey.
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Old 05-22-2009, 09:47 AM
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Yeah, been there, done that. Mine actually managed to not drink for four months one time. What a miserable four months that was! He was angry and resentful the whole time because I made him give up his alcohol. If I had it to do over, I would have done then what I eventually ended up doing anyway. How come they always get what they want (staying) based only on promises you will get what you want (sobriety)? Why can't he go somewhere else and work on his sobriety while you live in peaceful gestation? Then he can come back when he's proven to be the man you want in your life?

I gave mine way too many chances. I suffered way longer than I had to. Maybe your situation is different, but somehow I doubt it.

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Old 05-22-2009, 09:57 AM
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Oh, yeah. I traveled that road for 27 years. Many, many chances I gave. He just couldn't do it. He lacked the strength.

Now you might think "how could she give 27 years worth of chances?" Because I believed he was sincere in his promise each time. I still believe that.

It took me 27 years to realize that he didn't have the emotional strength to live up to them.
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Old 05-22-2009, 12:14 PM
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I'm not being sarcastic--because I am right there with you--how many times are you going to let him fall off the wagon? This is a question I had to ask myself. He has fallen so many times I cannot even remember the count.

About 3 months ago he asked me if I would stay if he fell off the wagon and I told him honestly I did not know if I was going to stay if he stayed on the wagon-but falling off was his choice to make, not mine.
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Old 05-22-2009, 12:21 PM
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Yes, I went through this, and no, it didn't work out. As soon as "but you have to help me" came out of his mouth, I should've started thinking manipulation.

Questions I didn't ask, but you might:

What kind of "help" is he referring to? Specifically?
Does that mean second, third, tenth, fiftieth chances? That kind of help?
"Don't leave me no matter how much damage I do" -- that kind of help?
Put up with verbal/physical abuse "because I'm trying" -- that kind of help?
"You take care of the baby because his crying makes me want to drink" -- that kind of help?
What -- again, specifically -- is he going to do? And by when?
And what are your boundaries -- specifically?

What he has done is put the responsibility on you. And he's made it clear he's doing this for you, to keep you.

And that's why it didn't work out for me.
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Old 05-22-2009, 01:55 PM
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Thank you all for your insight and support. I needed those HONEST words of advice. We are going to set ground rules, last shot. I need to make an attempt if he is just to prove to myself that I gave IT ALL. If he can make it and we are a "happy" story, then so be it. If our last attempt doesn't work, at least I can say... I tried.
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:38 PM
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Originally Posted by brokenrockstar View Post
Thank you all for your insight and support. I needed those HONEST words of advice. We are going to set ground rules, last shot. I need to make an attempt if he is just to prove to myself that I gave IT ALL. If he can make it and we are a "happy" story, then so be it. If our last attempt doesn't work, at least I can say... I tried.
The "I tried" part is important for many of us here. It was to me also.

And please know, that I for one will be praying that it does work.
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Old 05-22-2009, 03:12 PM
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As long as you know -- for yourself -- what your limits are, and what your boundaries are, and how you plan to enforce those boundaries (be specific) then there is no harm in trying one last time. Just be careful: for many of us, those "one last times" stretched on for years, because we had not yet thought-through what had to happen before we'd say, "Okay. I have to be done now."

Protect yourself by thinking it through. Ask the questions. Know what you'll do if it doesn't work, and you will be just fine. I'm that kind too - it's good to know I've done all I could. As long as the "all we could" isn't a moving target!
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Old 05-22-2009, 03:24 PM
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Im just offering some (((((hugs))))))
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Old 05-22-2009, 03:34 PM
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I am very very troubled by his violent behavior, rockstar, and I just can't offer encouragement to you, though I do understand so much your wanting to give it one more try because he is using different WORDS right now.

But because he is exhibiting violent behavior, I just cannot support your decision to allow him back into your home and to stand by him as he tries--according to HIS rules--to stay sober.

My belief is that he has just bought himself a get out of jail free ticket and that when he does drink again--which will probably be shortly--he will be more violent and angry than ever. And you will again be traumatized and possibly assaulted. These erratic shots of incredible trauma and stress are threatening your baby's health, you know that, don't you?

So if I could wave a magic wand, I would ask you to separate yourself from him, go stay with a friend or family member for the remainder of your pregnancy, keep your cell phone on you at all times in case he shows up mean and drunk, and do not have ANY kind of relationship with him UNTIL he has ONE CONTINUOUS YEAR of SOBRIETY AND GOOD BEHAVIOR.

Do take care. I know you are trying. When your newborn begins crying through the night, if he is in the house, I can pretty much predict he is going to lose it.

I'm so sorry for your situation. Please rely on those who love you. (Unfortunately that does not include him, as long as he puts the drug ahead of you).
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Old 05-22-2009, 03:39 PM
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Originally Posted by bluejay6 View Post
I am very very troubled by his violent behavior, rockstar, and I just can't offer encouragement to you, though I do understand so much your wanting to give it one more try because he is using different WORDS right now.

But because he is exhibiting violent behavior, I just cannot support your decision to allow him back into your home and to stand by him as he tries--according to HIS rules--to stay sober.

My belief is that he has just bought himself a get out of jail free ticket and that when he does drink again--which will probably be shortly--he will be more violent and angry than ever. And you will again be traumatized and possibly assaulted. These erratic shots of incredible trauma and stress are threatening your baby's health, you know that, don't you?

So if I could wave a magic wand, I would ask you to separate yourself from him, go stay with a friend or family member for the remainder of your pregnancy, keep your cell phone on you at all times in case he shows up mean and drunk, and do not have ANY kind of relationship with him UNTIL he has ONE CONTINUOUS YEAR of SOBRIETY AND GOOD BEHAVIOR.

Do take care. I know you are trying. When your newborn begins crying through the night, if he is in the house, I can pretty much predict he is going to lose it.

I'm so sorry for your situation. Please rely on those who love you. (Unfortunately that does not include him, as long as he puts the drug ahead of you).
Thank you for your honesty. I apprecaite that about this board.

Also thanks for the hugs. I will KEEP COMING BACK.
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Old 05-22-2009, 03:50 PM
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You know that these alcoholics are masters at making US feel like we haven't given 100%. They turn it around on us, place blame on us. We fall for it, and then we decide to give it "one more try".

Regardless of how many times you decide to give it "one more try" - I hope that you will also put into action a safe plan for you and your child.
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Old 05-22-2009, 03:59 PM
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I told myself that I wanted to give it all I could, try everything before I threw in the towel. It was a lie. Not an on-purpose lie, but I was deceiving myself. Really, I was still clinging to the idea that I could save him. That if I just stuck it out long enough, he would see the light and we would live happily ever after.

I understand where you are at. Acceptance does not come easy.

I bet if you took a poll here you would not find many people who wished they had tried harder. I bet you would find many who wished they hadn't given so many 'one more chance's.'

Please keep your (and baby's) well-being your number one priority. ((()))

L
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Old 05-23-2009, 06:15 AM
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LTD said it all, so many years, so little satisfaction!

When Lacy Peterson met her demise there were all sorts of stories and statistics about violence ramping up during pregnancy especially. Oft times it has to do with heaping one huge responsibility on a guy that already knows he fails at most. It was alarming! Please take care.
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