Yesterdaysnumb

My husband will be home 3 weeks from yesterday from rehab and I don't know what to expect. I know all things won't be picture perfect and things will still be hard. But, I just don't know what to expect and I want to be prepared. He claims not to have any cravings or desires for the drug/drink but should I always expect this to be? Any articles or words of inspiration, or life experiences would be helpful.

I pretty much know how to handle things when he's using, and now I have my wish. He's not using... so now how do I handle things?? Should I look for clues of his usage? Should he still have boundaries? How should things go?

justanothrdrunk

Well, if he is like me, here's what happened:

3 weeks isn't nearly enough time for the brain to even begin to defog (do a search for PAWS - post acute withdrawal syndrome for some info about that).
Mood swings
Craving sweets
Lots of meetings (hopefully) and new relationships with others where you might be jealous (not in a sexual way) because it seems like he's spending more time with them than you.
It was important for me for there to be NO BOOZE in the house, no matter what. And it's still that way (21+ months later).

And, if he's like me, when asked if it's okay if someone else has a drink in front of him he'll always say it's okay but it will bother him a little from time to time.

Sleep issues.
Lots of coffee drinking.
Problems don't automatically disappear. Life still happens.

The one thing I think I appreciated the most was my wife didn't tiptoe around me. She treated me the same as always. We had some major trust issues to get over and we talked about that at length (I was an underground drinking and lied about it CONSTANTLY).

The other thing was that she has always been really understanding when it comes to me going to meetings and spending social time with other AA folks. This is a BIG part of my recovery. Sometimes I'm not at home as often as she would prefer (if everything were perfect), but the alternative is far worse.

...again, if he is like me.

Yesterdaysnumb

Thanks that really helps. We have a lot of trust issues because of the drugs and drinking too. But I think that will be helped once he changes his number. (he requested that I change it before he gets back) I don't mind him spending time away as long as it's something positive. I used to ask him to join things such as basketball church leagues, AA meetings etc. But he never wanted to before. (obvious reasons) We do have 4 children so I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to the help that he will produce once he's sober. But since you said this, I'll definantly work on my trust issues as well. Thanks again.

At the end of this 3 week period, he will be in rehab a total of 30 days. After watchind "endless" intervention episodes I see that those people were sometimes away for 3 months or more! I couldn't imagine that! And I honestly don't know if I'd be able to handle that. I have to have surgery but I'm waiting until he gets back because I don't have any help when it comes to my family caring for our 4 children.

Let me ask you something.

Did your wife impose boundaries when you got sober? How long were you in rehab?

Freedom1990

My best suggestion would be to get yourself to Alanon and start working on your recovery.

Yesterdaysnumb

Yes. I wish it could be that easy.

I have a long story as to why Alanon isn't a feasible option at this time. But I am trying to make it to at least one meeting. Do you have any other suggestions?

Freedom1990

Actually no I don't.

I vaguely remember your story from prior posts as to why you can't make Alanon meetings.

I had a million excuses as to why I couldn't get clean/sober for many years.

Then after I got clean/sober, I had a million excuses why I didn't need to actively address my codependency issues for another 13 years. I actually created a lot of pain for myself those 13 years!

Yesterdaysnumb

Believe me. I would love to go to at least one meeting. I actually almost ran out of gas trying my best to get to one meeting yesterday. I showed up at the tail end of the meeting and even tried to stick around a little bit afterwards to find out any information about a meeting that I might be missing online.

But this the reality in my world. I'm basically a single mother. I have four kids. A 6 year old, a 5 year old, a 1 year old and a 6 month old. I have no one, and I mean NO ONE in my family that is willing to watch my children while I work, let alone while I go to a meeting. I really am not trying to make excuses.

I work M-F. However on Thursdays I get off work at 12:30pm. The only meeting that meets on Thursdays during that time starts at 12:00pm. (that's why i was rushing trying to make it there) There are two in Ohio that also are on Thursday afternoons. But they are an hour away from me and my children have to be picked up by 3:00pm. There are NONE that have babysitting in my area at all.

Sorry if this seems like an excuse, but it's my reality right now.

I'd love to go... it's just really hard for me right now.

josie25

Three weeks is nowhere near long enough for him to come back and be absolutely fine. He will still crave drink and drugs although he may tell you that he doesn't. He will need support from outside the home to help him to understand what he needs to do to get better. The easy bit is the bit he has just done - ie the detox - anybody can do that with the support of staff and medication, you are now about to start the hard bit. My exabf came out of hospital after about 10 days and he was very distant and withdrawn. He would not discuss his issues at all and didn't come near me physically. He stayed with me for five weeks and I eventually said he would need to go home and start to build his world up and start to address his issues. It took him a few hours from entering his own flat to start to drink again. This was the point that I walked away. He has just detoxed again and was in hospital for two weeks. He is almost three weeks clean now, is still shaking and apparently looks quite ill still, so he really isn't out of the woods yet. You will know straight away if he goes back to using and yes you will probably constantly worry about it. You do need to find al-anon for you or buy some of the books that people on this site keep mentioning in order to help yourself, I am waiting for mine to arrive in the post, as I know some of the problem is me. I hope and pray that he manages to stay clean for all concerned and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

LaTeeDa

Read. There is an extensive list of helpful books in the stickies here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...book-club.html

and here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...406-books.html

And, if you haven't read all the stickies, I would suggest reading those, too.

Individual therapy/counseling. I credit it with saving my life.

About boundaries: Yes, you should still have boundaries. Boundaries are part of life, whether living with an alcoholic or not. Lack of boundaries is an indication of unhealthy attitudes and beliefs. (see counseling suggestion above. )

Self-nurturing (although it will likely feel like self-indulgence if you are not accustomed to it). Take time to foster self worth by doing things that are for you. This takes different forms for everyone. For me, I took some self-enrichment courses at the local community college, take walks in the evenings--by myself, spend time listening to music I like or watching movies I like (regardless if anyone else likes them or not), revived a couple of enjoyable activities/hobbies I had abandoned, found new activities/hobbies I always wanted to try, bubble baths, browsing bookstores or thrift shops, etc. Although, I suspect if you have excuses for not going to Alanon, you will also have excuses for not doing any of these things, as well.

When your healing becomes your top priority, you will find a way to do it. Best wishes on your journey.

L

Freedom1990

I found that networking with other people at meetings helped me with the babysitting dilemma, but I had to attend a meeting to even make that happen.

I was/am a single mother, and when both of my daughters were still at home and I was attending AA, I had women in the group who offered to babysit so I could make certain meetings.

When I look back at all the energy I put into drinking/drugging, and on obsessing on my then AH, I had to put equal energy into my own recovery.

Yesterdaysnumb

Thanks for the suggestions! I will pick up those books this weekend from the local library.

Since he's been gone, I've really delved into my self worth and working on becoming a more beautiful me. I've started reading more, praying more and taking time to do my hair, take baths etc. I usually get the kids in bed by 7:30-8:00pm so I have that time to work on me. I really love it! On Thursdays, I get off work early so I either windowshop, or go home and relax. I promised myself to never do housework/laundry on those days. Thanks for the suggestions. They are not falling on deaf ears...

Yesterdaysnumb

I'm thinking that maybe it was just that particular meeting but I found the people there to not be as approachable. When the meeting was over everyone pretty much were engrossed in their own conversations. I did try though. I approached two members. I asked the lady if she may know of any meetings that I can go to where children were welcome, she said, that this was the only meeting in the area with babysitting. And then she just walked away. I asked someone else. I told him that I was new to Alanon but I'm really interested and asked if there was any information that he could give me. He handed me the meeting schedule and told me a little about what Alanon means etc. I said thanks. As I was leaving, I saw a lady walking out and I asked her if she had a ride home. She said no but she was just right down the street. I said, okay well I hope to see you next week.

Basically they were nice and all, I guess I should've been more assertive and let them know more information about myself. *shrug*

rickiroo

anyone beleive in weaning yourself off methadone?(10mgs a day)

flutter

When I quit drinking, I was still a complete wreck 3 weeks in. That is like.. 2 seconds compared to my entire drinking career. That tools does he have? Is he jumping in to outpatient treatment? Counseling? etc? That's the thing that scared me the most about rehab (never went, quit on my own) was being taken out of my situation, then thrown back in a month later. I hope this works, but really, he's detoxed... not rehabilitated.

Yesterdaysnumb

After rehab, he'll be in outpatient therapy and counseling. I forgot what the therapy is called but that's what he'll be doing afterwards. And I don't know what tools he has... I guess he's learning them in the facility. And then implementing them when he's out.

I do want to encourage anyone whose recently became sober that may be reading this...I sincerely don't believe that becoming sober is a "drop in the bucket" or "2 seconds". I believe that what he accomplished is awesome and I couldn't imagine spending the majority of my life dependant on something and then stopping all while being taken away from my faimly. I have to commend anyone whose done this and I believe that they are and HAVE to be a strong individual to come off any drug or dependancy on alcohol....

Cath1029

My AH was the most humble and willing guy in the world when he quit drinking, but that lasted only about a week (he is still sober though). I agree that a program needs to be in place in that situation. AH stopped going to AA, and I fear it's only a matter of time before the drinking starts again.

Freedom1990

That's what my EXAH did-went straight back to drinking whiskey and slamming meth the day he got out of treatment.

Yesterdaysnumb

I see your point of view. But I don't neccessarily agree completely. Which is okay. But thanks for your advice and thoughts on the issue! I appreciate it!

Yesterdaysnumb

I know I'm not in a place in my life to give advice but I feel that I must offer this because this isn't what I'm saying but what I've experienced.

Please please please keep a positive outlook! It's not always easy, especially when the past comes back to haunt you. Read the book "The Secret". Also take this quote in mind...

"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it.

Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion.

Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare.

Impossible is potential.

Impossible is temporary.

Impossible is nothing."

LaTeeDa

I've read The Secret and watched the video. I always took it to mean I have the power over what I attract into my life. Never for a minute did it give me the impression that I could control someone else. (whether they get clean or not)

In fact, it reminded me to get on with my life no matter what my AH decided to do or not do. A good reminder.

L