He's sober. Now what?
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
I've read The Secret and watched the video. I always took it to mean I have the power over what I attract into my life. Never for a minute did it give me the impression that I could control someone else. (whether they get clean or not)
In fact, it reminded me to get on with my life no matter what my AH decided to do or not do. A good reminder.
L
In fact, it reminded me to get on with my life no matter what my AH decided to do or not do. A good reminder.
L
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Originally Posted by Yesterdaysnumb
Maybe you misunderstood me. I apologize if I wasn't completely clear. My point is to think positively... it does wonders on your life!
L
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
you certainly don't need to take ANYTHING said or suggested here to heart......however, you might do yourself a favor and go back and read your last few months worth of posts...and the HELL you've been through with this man....you have FOUR children that need safety security and sanity in their lives. you have a husband who cheated on you, smoked crack, drank himself to the point of thinking he was gonna die, you've left him HOW many times now? yet you seem EAGER to forget all that cuz he's done a stint in rehab....wait hasn't even completed his 30 days yet.
if WE keep doing what we are doing, WE will keep getting what we are getting. it's your life your choice....but remember everything you do, every decision you make affects those babies, who have NO choice, NO say in the matter. i truly hope your AH GETS it this time....however i strongly advise you to prepare for the worst. to put yourself and your children's welfare ahead of his.....all the time he was out ripping and running he wasn't giving YOU guys a second thought.......
if WE keep doing what we are doing, WE will keep getting what we are getting. it's your life your choice....but remember everything you do, every decision you make affects those babies, who have NO choice, NO say in the matter. i truly hope your AH GETS it this time....however i strongly advise you to prepare for the worst. to put yourself and your children's welfare ahead of his.....all the time he was out ripping and running he wasn't giving YOU guys a second thought.......
Wow.
Some people are so focused on the negative in my life that they can't see the positive. I'll pray that you find joy in Christ and not in man. Because I'm in such a more peaceful time than I was before. I don't dwell on my past, I learn from it. For so long I did the same things over and over again... but I received insight
And I am soooooo at peace right now. You can't take my positivity or my peaceful thoughts hon. I'm sorry but your mission has failed. Your attacks from mine and my husband's pasts will not succeed. Because you see, I'm more than a conquerer and my faith is not in my husband. It's in Christ. And Him alone... WHEW! Thank God for His strength!
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
It certainly does! But, as a codependent, I have to admit that sometimes I called it "positive thinking" when it was actually "denial."
L
L
Yes, it was hard for me at first as well. Just don't dwell on it and allow it to handicap your positive thinking.
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((YN))
The best I can recommend is that you continue to work on your path and let him work on his. I would recommend limiting his access to money, at least in the beginning, but that's just me. As always, go by his ACTIONS, not his words.
FWIW, I have a tremendous faith in God. I also know that no amount of praying, on MY part, is going to affect the will of another. What my faith HAS done, and continues to do is to help me accept the reality of a situation and know that I will be okay. The work I've done on my codie behaviors has only helped in this.
No one can predict what is going to happen in 3 weeks, and I've alwayse been one of those "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" kind of people. Rarely is it the worst
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
The best I can recommend is that you continue to work on your path and let him work on his. I would recommend limiting his access to money, at least in the beginning, but that's just me. As always, go by his ACTIONS, not his words.
FWIW, I have a tremendous faith in God. I also know that no amount of praying, on MY part, is going to affect the will of another. What my faith HAS done, and continues to do is to help me accept the reality of a situation and know that I will be okay. The work I've done on my codie behaviors has only helped in this.
No one can predict what is going to happen in 3 weeks, and I've alwayse been one of those "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" kind of people. Rarely is it the worst
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
....and they all lived happily ever after. THE END.
L
L
"for ALL things work together for the good of those that love the Lord..."
So even if we dont' live together I WILL live happily ever after!!
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I see nothing wrong with having a positive outlook on the difficult situations we face in life. However, regardless of your positive outlook, your husband has a free will. God endowed each one of us with that awesome responsibility; to make choices, be they good or bad.
I don't see anybody here trying to rain on your parade or douse your positive thoughts with a deluge of negativity. These people have endured the living hell of addiction. Many of us have been dragged through the emotional mud by an addict.
So, here's my two cents, for what it's worth. Remain positive. Remain hopeful. Butg balance it with the reality of what has happened. An addict comes out of rehab and often has slips. An addict comes out of rehab and is still challenged facing life on life's terms after having NOT dealt with life, but hidden behind the addiction.
You posted plenty of pretty doggone horrible things that went on prior to your AH getting help. I don't think you need to dwell on the past, but there is a need for BALANCE. Balance means taking care of yourself, not pinning all your hopes and dreams on him remaining sober. I hope he works a strong program, and remains sober.
But as mere humans, we frequently find when we have to deal in a non-addict relationship, old frustrations will crop up and need to be dealt with. This is reality.
I don't see anybody here trying to rain on your parade or douse your positive thoughts with a deluge of negativity. These people have endured the living hell of addiction. Many of us have been dragged through the emotional mud by an addict.
So, here's my two cents, for what it's worth. Remain positive. Remain hopeful. Butg balance it with the reality of what has happened. An addict comes out of rehab and often has slips. An addict comes out of rehab and is still challenged facing life on life's terms after having NOT dealt with life, but hidden behind the addiction.
You posted plenty of pretty doggone horrible things that went on prior to your AH getting help. I don't think you need to dwell on the past, but there is a need for BALANCE. Balance means taking care of yourself, not pinning all your hopes and dreams on him remaining sober. I hope he works a strong program, and remains sober.
But as mere humans, we frequently find when we have to deal in a non-addict relationship, old frustrations will crop up and need to be dealt with. This is reality.
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect
((YN))
The best I can recommend is that you continue to work on your path and let him work on his. I would recommend limiting his access to money, at least in the beginning, but that's just me. As always, go by his ACTIONS, not his words.
FWIW, I have a tremendous faith in God. I also know that no amount of praying, on MY part, is going to affect the will of another. What my faith HAS done, and continues to do is to help me accept the reality of a situation and know that I will be okay. The work I've done on my codie behaviors has only helped in this.
No one can predict what is going to happen in 3 weeks, and I've alwayse been one of those "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" kind of people. Rarely is it the worst
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
The best I can recommend is that you continue to work on your path and let him work on his. I would recommend limiting his access to money, at least in the beginning, but that's just me. As always, go by his ACTIONS, not his words.
FWIW, I have a tremendous faith in God. I also know that no amount of praying, on MY part, is going to affect the will of another. What my faith HAS done, and continues to do is to help me accept the reality of a situation and know that I will be okay. The work I've done on my codie behaviors has only helped in this.
No one can predict what is going to happen in 3 weeks, and I've alwayse been one of those "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" kind of people. Rarely is it the worst
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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I don't know..boundaries can change, but I guess you could write them down. Of course, I'm an RA and back in my day I could have still argued with you, even if it was written down
I'm off to work...keep thinking in terms of what is best for you and the kids...we addicts are remarkably resilient and do NOT have to be treated with kid gloves just because we're in recovery. I was out looking for a job, within days of coming off a crack binge because I didn't have a choice...dealing with creditors a week later...not to mention dealing with a VERY angry and hurt family the entire time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm off to work...keep thinking in terms of what is best for you and the kids...we addicts are remarkably resilient and do NOT have to be treated with kid gloves just because we're in recovery. I was out looking for a job, within days of coming off a crack binge because I didn't have a choice...dealing with creditors a week later...not to mention dealing with a VERY angry and hurt family the entire time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Since you are having trouble finding child care in order to attend Al-Anon meetings, and you are a Christian, how about finding a local church that has "Celebrate Recovery"? I assure you, someone there will see to it that your children are cared for while you attend a meeting. If you are not familiar with the program, it was started by Pastor Rick Warren.
Even if there is not such a program sponsored by any of the churches in your area, if you belong to a church I am sure somebody would be kind enough to help you with child care so you could attend an Al-Anon meeting.
Even if there is not such a program sponsored by any of the churches in your area, if you belong to a church I am sure somebody would be kind enough to help you with child care so you could attend an Al-Anon meeting.
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Originally Posted by prodigal
I don't see anybody here trying to rain on your parade or douse your positive thoughts with a deluge of negativity.
I clearly said: "I don't know what to expect. I know all things won't be picture perfect and things will still be hard. But, I just don't know what to expect and I want to be prepared."
These are just some responses I've received back:
* you are romanticizing your husband's "accomplishment"
* Three weeks is nowhere near long enough for him to come back and be absolutely fine
* you might do yourself a favor and go back and read your last few months worth of posts...and the HELL you've been through with this man....you have FOUR children that need safety security and sanity in their lives. you have a husband who cheated on you, smoked crack, drank himself to the point of thinking he was gonna die, you've left him HOW many times now? yet you seem EAGER to forget all that cuz he's done a stint in rehab....wait hasn't even completed his 30 days yet.
But it doesn't even matter... because I encourage myself even when no one else is there to do it! Christ keeps me when I can't keep myself. So I know whatever the outcome, His will be done.
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Originally Posted by prodigal
Since you are having trouble finding child care in order to attend Al-Anon meetings, and you are a Christian, how about finding a local church that has "Celebrate Recovery"? I assure you, someone there will see to it that your children are cared for while you attend a meeting. If you are not familiar with the program, it was started by Pastor Rick Warren.
Even if there is not such a program sponsored by any of the churches in your area, if you belong to a church I am sure somebody would be kind enough to help you with child care so you could attend an Al-Anon meeting.
Even if there is not such a program sponsored by any of the churches in your area, if you belong to a church I am sure somebody would be kind enough to help you with child care so you could attend an Al-Anon meeting.
) I recently moved to another city though. So, I'm in the process of finding a new church home! Pray for me! 
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I don't see it as negativity. The responses you received were from people who have been through it, whether from the perspective of the addict, or the perspective of the spouse, or both.
It's not negativity, it's reality.
The best rehabs in this country only claim a 15% success rate. It would be wonderful if your AH is one of those 15 out of a hundred. All I'm saying, and others are saying, is what is your plan if it turns out he is one of the 85 out of a hundred?
L
It's not negativity, it's reality.
The best rehabs in this country only claim a 15% success rate. It would be wonderful if your AH is one of those 15 out of a hundred. All I'm saying, and others are saying, is what is your plan if it turns out he is one of the 85 out of a hundred?
L
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Yes, Christ's will be done. Just saying to keep in mind that the free will aspect plays a large part. As LTD just said, do you have a Plan B IF your AH does not make it? His addiction. His free choice. He can pick up anytime he so desires.
Of course you shouldn't just leave your children with anyone. But what I am saying is that at Celebrate Recovery, there is frequently child care in a separate room in the church for the kids.
Whatever form of recovery you choose, I would highly suggest you get started working a program. You will need it when he comes out. It would be wonderful if we had completely unshakeable faith regardless of our circumstances. But we are human. We will get shaken, from time to time. That's just the reality of being human, no matter how strong our faith.
Of course you shouldn't just leave your children with anyone. But what I am saying is that at Celebrate Recovery, there is frequently child care in a separate room in the church for the kids.
Whatever form of recovery you choose, I would highly suggest you get started working a program. You will need it when he comes out. It would be wonderful if we had completely unshakeable faith regardless of our circumstances. But we are human. We will get shaken, from time to time. That's just the reality of being human, no matter how strong our faith.
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Originally Posted by Yesterdaysnumb
Yes. I wish it could be that easy.
I have a long story as to why Alanon isn't a feasible option at this time. But I am trying to make it to at least one meeting. Do you have any other suggestions?
I have a long story as to why Alanon isn't a feasible option at this time. But I am trying to make it to at least one meeting. Do you have any other suggestions?
You do not have to go to Alanon to work on your recovery. I have never been to one and I think I'm doing pretty danged good in my personal recovery journey.
I did it thru ruthless self examiniation, individual therapy (only a few sessions really), reading and internalizing what I read, talking things out in here and with trusted friends and family, more reading, more self examination.
It wasn't easy. It wasn't quick. But meetings are not necessary to recovery.
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Originally Posted by Yesterdaysnumb
But it doesn't even matter... because I encourage myself even when no one else is there to do it! Christ keeps me when I can't keep myself. So I know whatever the outcome, His will be done.
What have you come to see as your problems that led you to tolerate living with an alcholic as long as you have? What are you own issues? What do you see as things you need to change about yourself?
What changes have you worked on it yourself to address what your learned?
What changes do you want to try to work on in your relationship with your AH when he gets out of rehab? What are your boundareis going forward and what are you willing to do if your boundaries are violated?
What actions are you prepared to make to protect yourself and you children going forward regardless of you AH's success or failure in reaching and maintaining sobriety?
These are the sorts of things that I worked on as part of a recovery program whether that recovery is totally on your own or thru Alanon meetings.
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Just wanted to share something I realized recently. I am also particular about who I leave my kids with. I felt guilty even putting them in the childcare area at the Y so I could take a yoga class. Dawned on me, recently, that even a "mediocre" childcare situation, as long as they are safe, is okay for an hour. Especially if it's helping me be a more calm, centered mother the rest of the time!
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