Update on my little boy--need advice
aka Glenna :)
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Update on my little boy--need advice
I took my 6-year-old to his therapist appointment yesterday; however, on Monday, I received an urgent call from my ex's live-in girlfriend. She said that several things had happened that my ex did not want the therapist to know. She swore me to secrecy, but wanted me to tell the therapist and swear her to secrecy too. She said my son had:
Hurt and tortured the family dog (hers).
Hurt other children and laughed about it.
Bullied children to the point where he no longer has friends.
Blown hot candle wax in her face.
Thrown his little friend off a trampoline by the kid's neck.
Talked excessively about death and dying.
Exposed himself to other children.
Sometimes enters a somewhat "catatonic" state where he can't be reached.
When I had spoken to my ex about taking our son to the counselor, all he told me was that our boy was not listening, being aggressive with other kids and showing no remorse. And that was all he wanted me to tell the counselor. He was very vague about the whole thing, not mentioning any of this other stuff. His girlfriend confided that he is worried about the therapist labeling him as a "bad kid" and told her to stay out of it.
Well, when I got the chance to speak to the therapist alone, I told her what the girlfriend had told me and that it was supposed to be a "secret." I told her that I have seen none of this behavior myself when I am with my son, but that the girlfriend doesn't seem like the type who would fabricate such things. She actually seems pretty level-headed.
The thing is...I don't want to throw the girlfriend under the bus, but don't feel that keeping secrets is in the best interest of my son. I think, as his parents, my ex and I should deal with this honestly with the help of the counselor. The girlfriend confided a lot of relationship problems with my ex as well, which I didn't necessarily want to hear, but have no problem keeping that in confidence. But I feel secrets make us sick, and especially for my darling little boy.
I was thinking of talking to the girlfriend and letting her know that I was not going to keep her secrets about my child anymore and then talking to my ex and his family about everything to try and work together. I don't want to cause discord in their relationship, because it might be bad for my son, but don't know what else to do.
Also, after I told the therapist everything yesterday, she said the first thing that came to her mind was that my son feels abandoned by me and is acting out. Believe me, I do take my responsibility in all of this, but I feel my son has problems that go way beyond that too. Problems that playing a board game with a counselor once a week is not going to fix. I feel he needs something more intensive at this point, and I told her that.
I can't change the past, but hopefully I can take action here and now to make things better for myself and my children.
Hurt and tortured the family dog (hers).
Hurt other children and laughed about it.
Bullied children to the point where he no longer has friends.
Blown hot candle wax in her face.
Thrown his little friend off a trampoline by the kid's neck.
Talked excessively about death and dying.
Exposed himself to other children.
Sometimes enters a somewhat "catatonic" state where he can't be reached.
When I had spoken to my ex about taking our son to the counselor, all he told me was that our boy was not listening, being aggressive with other kids and showing no remorse. And that was all he wanted me to tell the counselor. He was very vague about the whole thing, not mentioning any of this other stuff. His girlfriend confided that he is worried about the therapist labeling him as a "bad kid" and told her to stay out of it.
Well, when I got the chance to speak to the therapist alone, I told her what the girlfriend had told me and that it was supposed to be a "secret." I told her that I have seen none of this behavior myself when I am with my son, but that the girlfriend doesn't seem like the type who would fabricate such things. She actually seems pretty level-headed.
The thing is...I don't want to throw the girlfriend under the bus, but don't feel that keeping secrets is in the best interest of my son. I think, as his parents, my ex and I should deal with this honestly with the help of the counselor. The girlfriend confided a lot of relationship problems with my ex as well, which I didn't necessarily want to hear, but have no problem keeping that in confidence. But I feel secrets make us sick, and especially for my darling little boy.
I was thinking of talking to the girlfriend and letting her know that I was not going to keep her secrets about my child anymore and then talking to my ex and his family about everything to try and work together. I don't want to cause discord in their relationship, because it might be bad for my son, but don't know what else to do.
Also, after I told the therapist everything yesterday, she said the first thing that came to her mind was that my son feels abandoned by me and is acting out. Believe me, I do take my responsibility in all of this, but I feel my son has problems that go way beyond that too. Problems that playing a board game with a counselor once a week is not going to fix. I feel he needs something more intensive at this point, and I told her that.
I can't change the past, but hopefully I can take action here and now to make things better for myself and my children.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Bear in mind that this is just my opinion, but you were correct in telling the counselor everything your ex's gf told you. If these things are indeed true, it sounds as though your son does have serious problems and your ex is in denial.
The most important thing is the health, happiness, and future of the child. Good for you for pursuing this!!! Keep up the good work!!!
HG
The most important thing is the health, happiness, and future of the child. Good for you for pursuing this!!! Keep up the good work!!!
HG
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Yup, I agree telling the therapist everything is necessary. There is no way a therapist can possibly help without all available information.
It will take a while for the therapist to find out just what is going on and I'm sure if they determine more agressive treatment is necessary they will recommend it.
Now, the big question for me is what actions are you going to take to help your son feel valued, that he is important to you? I know you have posted before that the children feel that you have chosen your AH over them. What are you going to do?
It will take a while for the therapist to find out just what is going on and I'm sure if they determine more agressive treatment is necessary they will recommend it.
Now, the big question for me is what actions are you going to take to help your son feel valued, that he is important to you? I know you have posted before that the children feel that you have chosen your AH over them. What are you going to do?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Barbara52 
Now, the big question for me is what actions are you going to take to help your son feel valued, that he is important to you? I know you have posted before that the children feel that you have chosen your AH over them. What are you going to do?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Amazon.com: Change Your Brain, Change Your Life: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Anxiety, Depression, Obsessiveness, Anger, and Impulsiveness: Daniel G. Amen: Books
This book has a corny title, but I found it incredible
There are a number of case studies that sound like your little boy.
When I was training to be a Fireman/Paramedic the first lesson they taught me was to insure my own safety before I even thought about others.
In planes, they emphasize putting your own oxygen mask on before helping others.
Before you can help your son become a healthy human being, you need to be healthy yourself.
You want to really help your son?
Help yourself.
Stop drinking. Go to Alanon. Get a therapist.
Do the things you need to do in order to become a good mother.
You can't give away what you don't have.
Otherwise he will just be another way for you to take the focus off yourself.
My prayers go out to you Cath, but my message is going to remain the same no matter what question you bring to this board.
Stop drinking.
Do what you need to do to get healthy yourself.
If you don't do that you just remain part of the problem no matter what you do. If you get help and actually take some action to better yourself you can be part of the solution.
This book has a corny title, but I found it incredible
There are a number of case studies that sound like your little boy.
When I was training to be a Fireman/Paramedic the first lesson they taught me was to insure my own safety before I even thought about others.
In planes, they emphasize putting your own oxygen mask on before helping others.
Before you can help your son become a healthy human being, you need to be healthy yourself.
You want to really help your son?
Help yourself.
Stop drinking. Go to Alanon. Get a therapist.
Do the things you need to do in order to become a good mother.
You can't give away what you don't have.
Otherwise he will just be another way for you to take the focus off yourself.
My prayers go out to you Cath, but my message is going to remain the same no matter what question you bring to this board.
Stop drinking.
Do what you need to do to get healthy yourself.
If you don't do that you just remain part of the problem no matter what you do. If you get help and actually take some action to better yourself you can be part of the solution.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Tar Heel Country
Posts: 86
Cath,
Are you prepared to do anything you need to do for your child?
He is angry. He feels left. He is trying to tell you in the way a 6 year old can.
Are you able to make the changes he needs you to make?
I think you can do it!
TH
Are you prepared to do anything you need to do for your child?
He is angry. He feels left. He is trying to tell you in the way a 6 year old can.
Are you able to make the changes he needs you to make?
I think you can do it!
TH
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
I haven't had any alcohol since that unfortunate last incident that became public knowledge, and my plan is to totally abstain. I realize it only makes situations worse. I need to concentrate and be of sound mind and body for myself and my children.
I also have been doing the things my sponsor asked of me, such as attending as many meetings as possible (went to one right before the therapist yesterday) and calling people (it's hard for me, but I'm doing it) and doing my reading and writing.
As far as the boys, my plan is to take a more active role in what goes on with them. I had them over to my house yesterday afternoon after therapy to play for a while and have some "down time" together, which all three of us enjoyed. Lots of talking, pigging out, etc. I need to lay a better foundation and hope that they will learn that they can trust me and count on me again. I know it starts with me and building my own foundation inside myself with the help of Al-Anon and reaching out.
While I don't want to throw the girlfriend "under the bus" for confiding in me, I also want to let the family know that I want to be kept in the loop from now on and take a more active role. I'm the only mother they have, and childhoods are short. I am determined to help make a difference in both of their lives. I wrote to the girlfriend this morning and suggested she talk to my ex about opening up and being more honest with people (therapist included) about what has been going on. I was going to tell her I would do it myself, but I don't want to get in the middle of their relationship. It's not my place.
Yes, I have been so wrapped up in my own c**p that I have neglected raising my own children, leaving it to others and making myself believe they were better off without me, but I see things more clearly now. I have to have the courage to change the things I can. Thanks.
I also have been doing the things my sponsor asked of me, such as attending as many meetings as possible (went to one right before the therapist yesterday) and calling people (it's hard for me, but I'm doing it) and doing my reading and writing.
As far as the boys, my plan is to take a more active role in what goes on with them. I had them over to my house yesterday afternoon after therapy to play for a while and have some "down time" together, which all three of us enjoyed. Lots of talking, pigging out, etc. I need to lay a better foundation and hope that they will learn that they can trust me and count on me again. I know it starts with me and building my own foundation inside myself with the help of Al-Anon and reaching out.
While I don't want to throw the girlfriend "under the bus" for confiding in me, I also want to let the family know that I want to be kept in the loop from now on and take a more active role. I'm the only mother they have, and childhoods are short. I am determined to help make a difference in both of their lives. I wrote to the girlfriend this morning and suggested she talk to my ex about opening up and being more honest with people (therapist included) about what has been going on. I was going to tell her I would do it myself, but I don't want to get in the middle of their relationship. It's not my place.
Yes, I have been so wrapped up in my own c**p that I have neglected raising my own children, leaving it to others and making myself believe they were better off without me, but I see things more clearly now. I have to have the courage to change the things I can. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
Hi Cath,
Another wonderful book, but this one is for kids:
Amazon.com: The Blue Day Book for Kids: A Lesson in Cheering Yourself Up: Bradley Trevor Greive: Books
This and the other two by the same author, A Teaspoon of Courage for Kids and Friends to the End have served as wonderful tools with my 6 and 4 year old children.
The books have fabulous animal photos with narrative that has really helped my little ones open up communication about difficult emotional stuff. They literally begged to read these every night for about two weeks after we bought them.
Just like we are trying to learn better ways of dealing with anxiety and stress, I believe we can help our kids. Stuffing feelings is so detrimental to their mental health, and certain types of children have the temperament where they act out rather than withdrawing.
It's painful, and sometimes easier for me to just deny what's going on in my childrens' emotional life. But since I'm trying to learn better ways for myself, I also want to start with them while they are young.
(((Hugs))) to you and many positive thoughts coming your way. You can't change the past, but you can shape the future through deliberate action! (My personal parenting philosophy at the moment).
Another wonderful book, but this one is for kids:
Amazon.com: The Blue Day Book for Kids: A Lesson in Cheering Yourself Up: Bradley Trevor Greive: Books
This and the other two by the same author, A Teaspoon of Courage for Kids and Friends to the End have served as wonderful tools with my 6 and 4 year old children.
The books have fabulous animal photos with narrative that has really helped my little ones open up communication about difficult emotional stuff. They literally begged to read these every night for about two weeks after we bought them.
Just like we are trying to learn better ways of dealing with anxiety and stress, I believe we can help our kids. Stuffing feelings is so detrimental to their mental health, and certain types of children have the temperament where they act out rather than withdrawing.
It's painful, and sometimes easier for me to just deny what's going on in my childrens' emotional life. But since I'm trying to learn better ways for myself, I also want to start with them while they are young.
(((Hugs))) to you and many positive thoughts coming your way. You can't change the past, but you can shape the future through deliberate action! (My personal parenting philosophy at the moment).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
My son also had that "catatonic" state problem. I learned from our therapist it is disassociation. (sp?) When things are too painful for them to deal with, they simply shut off. My son had no other tools to cope with his pain, so he simply "went away." It is not uncommon for children to do this, but if it becomes a habit and carries into adulthood, it can be very counterproductive. The good news is that he hardly ever does it any more. We were both in therapy, together and separately, for over a year. Which brings me to my next point:
I have read many books written by psychologists and psychiatrists over the past few years. They have helped me immensely. But, one common theme throughout all of them is the initial contact very often comes in the form of a "problem child." And, in nearly every case, it is the parents who need the therapy more than the child. Once the family problems are brought out in the open and dealt with, the child nearly always stops acting out.
L
I have read many books written by psychologists and psychiatrists over the past few years. They have helped me immensely. But, one common theme throughout all of them is the initial contact very often comes in the form of a "problem child." And, in nearly every case, it is the parents who need the therapy more than the child. Once the family problems are brought out in the open and dealt with, the child nearly always stops acting out.
L
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Cath,
I am moved seeing you are willing to take a more active role in your children's life. Why would you have ever thought they were better without you? what a harmful thought, and so untrue. I am glad you are seeing clearly now. What a wonderful motivation to invest in your well being from now on. I am glad your children got their mom back.
I am so happy to know you have had quality time together with them. Those afternoons are the fondest memories we could ever have. I am glad you are creating more of them.
It was HP's work to have the current partner talk to you, I am glad she did, those acts are not only damaging but illegal (if I understood what he has done correctly) - I am glad you are far away from that man.
You are very strong!! Keep the good work up.
I am moved seeing you are willing to take a more active role in your children's life. Why would you have ever thought they were better without you? what a harmful thought, and so untrue. I am glad you are seeing clearly now. What a wonderful motivation to invest in your well being from now on. I am glad your children got their mom back.
I am so happy to know you have had quality time together with them. Those afternoons are the fondest memories we could ever have. I am glad you are creating more of them.
It was HP's work to have the current partner talk to you, I am glad she did, those acts are not only damaging but illegal (if I understood what he has done correctly) - I am glad you are far away from that man.
You are very strong!! Keep the good work up.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Quick update. I haven't heard from the girlfriend since her urgent call on Monday, although I did e-mail her to say I thought things should be brought out into the open and asked her to speak to my ex about it. I also tried talking to my 11-year-old and asking about his brother's behavior, and all he said was that he was being "annoying" lately, which is a far cry from being afraid of him.
However, I did talk to my mother, and she sent an e-mail to my ex-mother-in-law asking what was going on. She forwarded me what she got back, which was not much more than a glowing report on how "well" my son was doing, although he was having a "problem with listening". Ex-MIL also took the opportunity in the e-mail to badmouth me several times--to my own mother!!
Anyway, somebody is not telling the truth here. I'm sick of all this secrecy--it's only going to hurt my son.
However, I did talk to my mother, and she sent an e-mail to my ex-mother-in-law asking what was going on. She forwarded me what she got back, which was not much more than a glowing report on how "well" my son was doing, although he was having a "problem with listening". Ex-MIL also took the opportunity in the e-mail to badmouth me several times--to my own mother!!
Anyway, somebody is not telling the truth here. I'm sick of all this secrecy--it's only going to hurt my son.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Cath1029
Anyway, somebody is not telling the truth here. I'm sick of all this secrecy--it's only going to hurt my son.
You have no control over the others........
L
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Well, I don't see it as your job to be the investigator of who is or isn't telling the truth.L
:ghug2
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
You may want to consider talking to his teacher(s) or others at the school. They may be aware of behavior problems and are likely to give an impartial report on what they see in the classroom and around school. A therapist is likely to ask for this sort of report anyway in my experience.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Well, I don't see it as your job to be the investigator of who is or isn't telling the truth. I see it as your job to be the best mom you can be to your son, and to make sure he knows he can count on you for that.
I say keep the focus on yourself and your recovery, Possibly if you are able to keep plugging away improving yourself and your life, keep being sober, keep going to alanon meetings, keep working with your sponsor, maybe make some decisions that put your child ahead of husband #2, the non-recovering alcoholic, things will take place in your life where you will maybe spend a little more time with him, maybe even get a little more custody of your children, then you will be able to see for yourself rather then having to rely on hearsay about how your child is doing.
By becoming a good mother and creating a safe environment for your children you can't go wrong. By continuing to try to solve your own problems with the thinking that got you in this mess you can't go right is what I have learned.
just an idea, I can only imagine what you are going through is very frustrating.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
That is a great idea about talking to his teachers and the women at aftercare. I will make some calls on Monday. Nothing else seems to be matching up as far as what I'm hearing.
For instance, when my son was here on Tuesday, he told me about a boy in his class who fell off a swing that day and broke his wrist. He said he felt guilty because he and some other kids were playing dangerously on the swings, and when this boy tried it he fell off. Then the girlfriend e-mails me yesterday to say that my son told her he had pushed the kid off the swing and caused him to break his wrist. But he told his dad the kid just fell.
I will keep pushing for more time with the boys. Whenever I ask for them, their dad always tells me how busy their schedule is and then "fits me in."
I will also step up my own program, as I feel it is the only way for me to get strong enough to make the changes I need to make. I really want to be healthy for myself and all the kids. To be honest, sometimes I feel like blowing off Al-Anon because it's too much work, but I know I really need it. I feel it's the only thing that can help me save myself.
For instance, when my son was here on Tuesday, he told me about a boy in his class who fell off a swing that day and broke his wrist. He said he felt guilty because he and some other kids were playing dangerously on the swings, and when this boy tried it he fell off. Then the girlfriend e-mails me yesterday to say that my son told her he had pushed the kid off the swing and caused him to break his wrist. But he told his dad the kid just fell.
I will keep pushing for more time with the boys. Whenever I ask for them, their dad always tells me how busy their schedule is and then "fits me in."
I will also step up my own program, as I feel it is the only way for me to get strong enough to make the changes I need to make. I really want to be healthy for myself and all the kids. To be honest, sometimes I feel like blowing off Al-Anon because it's too much work, but I know I really need it. I feel it's the only thing that can help me save myself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Cath1029
For instance, when my son was here on Tuesday, he told me about a boy in his class who fell off a swing that day and broke his wrist. He said he felt guilty because he and some other kids were playing dangerously on the swings, and when this boy tried it he fell off. Then the girlfriend e-mails me yesterday to say that my son told her he had pushed the kid off the swing and caused him to break his wrist. But he told his dad the kid just fell.
Originally Posted by Cath1029
I will keep pushing for more time with the boys. Whenever I ask for them, their dad always tells me how busy their schedule is and then "fits me in."
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