Inspired Yet Bummed Out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 40
Inspired Yet Bummed Out
I'm relatively new to SR and the Family and Friends area. I've been reading the posts here.
I've been inspired by the posts here of people who have broken free of their situations--essentially, co-dependent situations, as I understand it.
However, I'm also discouraged. Almost all the success posts I see are basically about getting the courage to leave the relationship.
It just doesn't give me a lot of confidence about the chances I have of fixing my marriage with an alcohol-bingeing wife.
I've been inspired by the posts here of people who have broken free of their situations--essentially, co-dependent situations, as I understand it.
However, I'm also discouraged. Almost all the success posts I see are basically about getting the courage to leave the relationship.
It just doesn't give me a lot of confidence about the chances I have of fixing my marriage with an alcohol-bingeing wife.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi hap... 
There are all different types of people here, in or from all different types of situations.. some have left their A, some stay, some are looking to leave and some have been left by their A.
I think the ones which seem most 'successful' are by ones who have had the courage to leave because there is a sense of empowerment when you make a change.
There are all different types of people here, in or from all different types of situations.. some have left their A, some stay, some are looking to leave and some have been left by their A.
I think the ones which seem most 'successful' are by ones who have had the courage to leave because there is a sense of empowerment when you make a change.
Getting better every day!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
:ghug3
One of the most difficult things to accept is that you cannot fix someone else, you can only fix yourself. This also means you can't fix a relationship by yourself, the other person in the relationship has to be willing to contribute, and you can't force them.
Remember Hap, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Her alcoholism is HERS.
What you are you going to do for YOU today?
One of the most difficult things to accept is that you cannot fix someone else, you can only fix yourself. This also means you can't fix a relationship by yourself, the other person in the relationship has to be willing to contribute, and you can't force them.
Remember Hap, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Her alcoholism is HERS.
What you are you going to do for YOU today?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
For me, leaving has not been easy. In fact it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I tried detaching and working on me while staying in the relationship (21 year marriage) but it didn't take long for me to see that there was a great big happy world out there and I still felt trapped in mine.
I think if I had not started attending Alanon and seeing a counselor trained in codependency and addictions I never would have had the courage to file for a divorce. Now that small voice within me, that was there all along, is able to speak. That's what had to be done in my situation, but every person's path is their own, and with a little effort and self-searching on your part you can find the path that leads to your greatest peace. Enjoy the journey!
I think if I had not started attending Alanon and seeing a counselor trained in codependency and addictions I never would have had the courage to file for a divorce. Now that small voice within me, that was there all along, is able to speak. That's what had to be done in my situation, but every person's path is their own, and with a little effort and self-searching on your part you can find the path that leads to your greatest peace. Enjoy the journey!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by Barbara52 
I think we don't see the stories where a marriage has been saved and continues simply because those folks don't feel the need to post in here.
Getting better every day!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
With all the discussion of why we don't see more people who's marriages worked, I wanted to add that my husband and I are still together and very happy. But he chose to quit drinking and is finding his own path in recovery. If he hadn't made that choice I don't honestly know what would have happened. I know I was very near my breaking point with him, and I told him that. We have been very blessed in that way, both of us figuring this all out and coming out of our denial at about the same time.
But the most important thing about my story is that he freely CHOSE me over the booze, and found recovery on his own. I couldn't help him, I couldn't do it for him, he had to figure it out all on his own.
And I had to step back and let him. I'd been trying to help him figure his sh!t out for 11 years. The night of his last binge I had finally had enough and told him he had to figure his sh!t out himself cuz I obviously wasn't able to help him, and that if he didn't, if we continued down the road we were on, it would absolutely end us. No threats, no ultimatums, no specific boundaries set, just that things could not continue the way they had been going, I couldn't take it anymore.
That was the most important thing I did, I put his problem back in his hands and told him to deal with it, and I told him I couldn't stay much longer if he didn't.
I'm one of the lucky ones, my husband was ready to deal with his addiction. If I'd made that declaration 3 years ago I'm not sure I'd still be married, because I don't think he would have been ready to find recovery. And his acceptance of recovery wasn't a sudden thing either, he'd been thinking about it since last year some time. He told me last summer he was considering quitting drinking. So this has been a process for him, it wasn't just that one incident that made him want to get sober.
Your wife has to find her own recovery in her own time. You can't make her want it. You have to decide if you are willing to wait it out.
But the most important thing about my story is that he freely CHOSE me over the booze, and found recovery on his own. I couldn't help him, I couldn't do it for him, he had to figure it out all on his own.
And I had to step back and let him. I'd been trying to help him figure his sh!t out for 11 years. The night of his last binge I had finally had enough and told him he had to figure his sh!t out himself cuz I obviously wasn't able to help him, and that if he didn't, if we continued down the road we were on, it would absolutely end us. No threats, no ultimatums, no specific boundaries set, just that things could not continue the way they had been going, I couldn't take it anymore.
That was the most important thing I did, I put his problem back in his hands and told him to deal with it, and I told him I couldn't stay much longer if he didn't.
I'm one of the lucky ones, my husband was ready to deal with his addiction. If I'd made that declaration 3 years ago I'm not sure I'd still be married, because I don't think he would have been ready to find recovery. And his acceptance of recovery wasn't a sudden thing either, he'd been thinking about it since last year some time. He told me last summer he was considering quitting drinking. So this has been a process for him, it wasn't just that one incident that made him want to get sober.
Your wife has to find her own recovery in her own time. You can't make her want it. You have to decide if you are willing to wait it out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
resolve, hap, not discouragement, would be the better choice.
resolve to learn all you can about addiction. there are many excellent books:
The Addictive Personality (Craig Nakken)
Under the Influence
Getting Them Sober
Alcoholics Anonymous (aka "the big book of AA)
resolve to learn about your part:
Codependent No More (Beattie)
Reclaiming Your Family From Addiction (Nakken)
Al-Anon books and pamphlets ( online or in meetings)
you can even find these used, on alibris. com.
you will find your answers and know what to do! the important thing is to change the status quo, because it is contributing to (not causing) the addiction.
keep seeking! what is hardest for us is to understand that when someone is actively drinking, we are talking to the addict, not the person. even during the dry interludes. the person may briefly appear and our heart soars with hope and incredible joy and love. then the addict takes over again and we plummet into unbearable pain. this is "the merry go- round of addiction". and it just keeps going until you do something DIFFERENT.
if you stick it out and stay, do not clean up her messes. let her feel the FULL EFFECTS of her addiction over the long haul (nothing is ever quickly better in the chemical dependency relationship). no matter what, hands off the addict. help her, help the disease. it's that basic.
don't isolate! stay connected.
blessings.
resolve to learn all you can about addiction. there are many excellent books:
The Addictive Personality (Craig Nakken)
Under the Influence
Getting Them Sober
Alcoholics Anonymous (aka "the big book of AA)
resolve to learn about your part:
Codependent No More (Beattie)
Reclaiming Your Family From Addiction (Nakken)
Al-Anon books and pamphlets ( online or in meetings)
you can even find these used, on alibris. com.
you will find your answers and know what to do! the important thing is to change the status quo, because it is contributing to (not causing) the addiction.
keep seeking! what is hardest for us is to understand that when someone is actively drinking, we are talking to the addict, not the person. even during the dry interludes. the person may briefly appear and our heart soars with hope and incredible joy and love. then the addict takes over again and we plummet into unbearable pain. this is "the merry go- round of addiction". and it just keeps going until you do something DIFFERENT.
if you stick it out and stay, do not clean up her messes. let her feel the FULL EFFECTS of her addiction over the long haul (nothing is ever quickly better in the chemical dependency relationship). no matter what, hands off the addict. help her, help the disease. it's that basic.
don't isolate! stay connected.
blessings.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Even the best rehabs in the US can only claim about a 15% success rate. (And how they define success is also up for interpretation) Given that, it isn't surprising that most of the happy endings you read here have to do with the non-alcoholic breaking free.
Having said that, the best thing I can do is be open and accepting of whatever life brings my way. I have no control over it. The universe brought me a relationship with an alcoholic. I could choose to feel like a victim about it, or I could choose to learn the lessons that come with suffering and grow from it. I choose the latter.
It really doesn't matter if the alcoholic gets sober or not, what matters is how we accept whatever circumstances we have, and find the growth and recovery in it.
L
Having said that, the best thing I can do is be open and accepting of whatever life brings my way. I have no control over it. The universe brought me a relationship with an alcoholic. I could choose to feel like a victim about it, or I could choose to learn the lessons that come with suffering and grow from it. I choose the latter.
It really doesn't matter if the alcoholic gets sober or not, what matters is how we accept whatever circumstances we have, and find the growth and recovery in it.
L
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
of fixing
that starts with themselves, & they can do a good play sometimes...
take care
I now take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days.
that starts with themselves, & they can do a good play sometimes...
take care
I now take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Originally Posted by hapapinoy
It just doesn't give me a lot of confidence about the chances I have of fixing my marriage with an alcohol-bingeing wife.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
Going to Al-Anon helps. It gives you the tools to stay sane in an alcoholic marriage. However once the move is made to cut the denial, and move to healthier behaviours, I think it becomes increasingly impossible to stay in an alcoholic environment because it is too insane.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by jaguarpcb
With all the discussion of why we don't see more people who's marriages worked, I wanted to add that my husband and I are still together and very happy. But he chose to quit drinking and is finding his own path in recovery. If he hadn't made that choice I don't honestly know what would have happened. I know I was very near my breaking point with him, and I told him that. We have been very blessed in that way, both of us figuring this all out and coming out of our denial at about the same time.
But the most important thing about my story is that he freely CHOSE me over the booze, and found recovery on his own. I couldn't help him, I couldn't do it for him, he had to figure it out all on his own.
And I had to step back and let him. I'd been trying to help him figure his sh!t out for 11 years. The night of his last binge I had finally had enough and told him he had to figure his sh!t out himself cuz I obviously wasn't able to help him, and that if he didn't, if we continued down the road we were on, it would absolutely end us. No threats, no ultimatums, no specific boundaries set, just that things could not continue the way they had been going, I couldn't take it anymore.
That was the most important thing I did, I put his problem back in his hands and told him to deal with it, and I told him I couldn't stay much longer if he didn't.
I'm one of the lucky ones, my husband was ready to deal with his addiction. If I'd made that declaration 3 years ago I'm not sure I'd still be married, because I don't think he would have been ready to find recovery. And his acceptance of recovery wasn't a sudden thing either, he'd been thinking about it since last year some time. He told me last summer he was considering quitting drinking. So this has been a process for him, it wasn't just that one incident that made him want to get sober.
Your wife has to find her own recovery in her own time. You can't make her want it. You have to decide if you are willing to wait it out.
But the most important thing about my story is that he freely CHOSE me over the booze, and found recovery on his own. I couldn't help him, I couldn't do it for him, he had to figure it out all on his own.
And I had to step back and let him. I'd been trying to help him figure his sh!t out for 11 years. The night of his last binge I had finally had enough and told him he had to figure his sh!t out himself cuz I obviously wasn't able to help him, and that if he didn't, if we continued down the road we were on, it would absolutely end us. No threats, no ultimatums, no specific boundaries set, just that things could not continue the way they had been going, I couldn't take it anymore.
That was the most important thing I did, I put his problem back in his hands and told him to deal with it, and I told him I couldn't stay much longer if he didn't.
I'm one of the lucky ones, my husband was ready to deal with his addiction. If I'd made that declaration 3 years ago I'm not sure I'd still be married, because I don't think he would have been ready to find recovery. And his acceptance of recovery wasn't a sudden thing either, he'd been thinking about it since last year some time. He told me last summer he was considering quitting drinking. So this has been a process for him, it wasn't just that one incident that made him want to get sober.
Your wife has to find her own recovery in her own time. You can't make her want it. You have to decide if you are willing to wait it out.
It does give me some hope.
Ridgeback Lover
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: San Diego
Posts: 39
You know this issue is so complicated its really hard for me to wrap my head around it. Just as everybody has their own journey, everybody has their own journey in marriage. Obviously many are in the wrong relationships to begin with.
My story mirrors jaguarpcb's story, other than that I am the alcoholic. My wife is a very important part of my sobriety. She doesn't go to alonon, but every now and then will go to a speaker meeting with me. While I drank my wife drank very little. Maybe 3 to 5 drinks a week, most of which she never finished. Now, we do not have any alcohol in the house nor do we serve it for get togethers. Nor does she drink in front of me. That has been her decision and is not for everybody. But I cannot tell you how much that helps. It makes sure that alcohol is not an option and instead of focusing on the alcohol I can't have (at least for today) I can focus on my recovery. As I focus on my recovery the more I learn about myself, love myself, and in turn the more I WANT to Love her, and the more she Loves me. It's not always perfect, but then again that is not our goal, progress is, just like in the BB. Its taken and is taking a lot of hard work, for both of us.
I have to say though, the thing that has worked by far the best for me, that nobody else can do for me in anyway shape or form has been the THIRD STEP PRAYER. The more I release my Will and do His/Hers/Its/OfyourUnderstanding's will the more gifts I receive.
There are more positive stories out there.
Happy Easter
My story mirrors jaguarpcb's story, other than that I am the alcoholic. My wife is a very important part of my sobriety. She doesn't go to alonon, but every now and then will go to a speaker meeting with me. While I drank my wife drank very little. Maybe 3 to 5 drinks a week, most of which she never finished. Now, we do not have any alcohol in the house nor do we serve it for get togethers. Nor does she drink in front of me. That has been her decision and is not for everybody. But I cannot tell you how much that helps. It makes sure that alcohol is not an option and instead of focusing on the alcohol I can't have (at least for today) I can focus on my recovery. As I focus on my recovery the more I learn about myself, love myself, and in turn the more I WANT to Love her, and the more she Loves me. It's not always perfect, but then again that is not our goal, progress is, just like in the BB. Its taken and is taking a lot of hard work, for both of us.
I have to say though, the thing that has worked by far the best for me, that nobody else can do for me in anyway shape or form has been the THIRD STEP PRAYER. The more I release my Will and do His/Hers/Its/OfyourUnderstanding's will the more gifts I receive.
There are more positive stories out there.
Happy Easter
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by hapapinoy
It does give me some hope.
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Hi hap, my husband and I are still together. Al Anon and reading up on alcoholism here and from other resources helped me see how I contributed to the issue (and how I could stop), and how to be true to myself about what I did and didn't want in my future, and set boundaries. Things naturally came to a head and I finally said enough - I wanted him out. Due to a recent move to another city, selling our house and staying temporarily with family, I told him that we had to sleep in different bedrooms and then he needed to leave once our house sold. He told me that he hoped it wouldn't come to that. 4 months later, he is still sober and in AA, still in the basement though. But, we're still working on things. I don't know what will happen, but I take it one day at a time, and now he's agreed to couples counseling. It can happen, but your wife needs to be an active participant. Doesn't look like she's at that point though, so you need to think of what you need to do for your peace right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
I am still with my husband. I lived in an alcoholic marriage for 19 years. Last year he hit bottom and so did I. I couldn't take it anymore. He chose to get help and started attending AA daily. I chose to get help and attended Al-anon. He is almost 10 months sober. I have my life back. My life isn't dependent upon his drinking or not drinking though.
We have made so much progress. We've also been through hell and back in this last year. I had a cancer scare from October through December which resulted in major surgery. The most amazing thing was that not once did he stumble. I never ever saw that during any other difficult time in our marriage. He just seemed to get stronger. The difference was that he wanted to get better. He decided that we were more important than the alcohol. Two weeks ago, his mother died. When his father died, he binged. Big time. This time, he is at peace and strong.
We are a work in progress. It's going well though and I never thought it would come.
We have made so much progress. We've also been through hell and back in this last year. I had a cancer scare from October through December which resulted in major surgery. The most amazing thing was that not once did he stumble. I never ever saw that during any other difficult time in our marriage. He just seemed to get stronger. The difference was that he wanted to get better. He decided that we were more important than the alcohol. Two weeks ago, his mother died. When his father died, he binged. Big time. This time, he is at peace and strong.
We are a work in progress. It's going well though and I never thought it would come.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
I'm with my spouse of many, many years. He continues in denial. But I got help and support for myself regardless of his choices and unwillingness. I couldn't have remained without my own work on myself, counselling, Al-Anon, Step Study groups, sponsor, meetings, reading literature, serious personal work on myself and learning what my part is/was. It's ongoing lifetime work and you cannot do it alone. You're still focused on her. When you focus on yourself and your own issues, you'll begin to heal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
There is nothing wrong with hope. It's when we bank our future, our entire life, on one small sliver of hope, without considering all possible outcomes, that we become desperate and crazy. It's called denial. As they say, hope is not a plan.
L
L
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