dreamstones

I’ve recently joined this forum and have posted about the “exploits” of my AS. My Mom and I have been dealing with this for 10 plus years now, from her brief sober periods to her extended “secret” drinking binges, where she thinks no one realizes she is drinking. She almost died back in February from severe blood loss from ruptured esophagus (and we found out she is diabetic), what the doctor compared to using paint thinner (vodka) to remove paint. She is 43 years old, lives with our Mom, was working as a waitress until she quit going to work, her college degree (with honors) and once promising career down the toilet. What is worse, she is going to die, this much I know unless she gets sober and stays sober.

In many ways, Mom enables her, though she has been faithfully going to Al-Anon for the past 10 years. I know this enabling has escalated her drinking as well. After being released from hospital, she tackled her diabetes with vigor, watching her diet, etc. She also never acknowledged drinking problem caused this, blaming it on the “flu”. Supposedly she goes to AA, since Mom drives her there, but I think she goes in the front door and exits the back door until she gets picked up. She has never talked about any steps and step 4 is something that has never been reached in all the time that she supposedly goes to AA.

To make a long story short, Mom went to England on March 25 to visit her family. I know sis was sober since release from hospital; it is like night and day when she is sober/drinking. She went to airport with me to drop off Mom and we had great talk on way back, how she working on her diabetes, how she has been working a lot at restaurant and didn’t have time for much of anything else (though she never talked about not drinking). In the back of my mind, I thought she would probably make a mad dash to the liquor store after I dropped her off and go on a huge binge. You see, when Mom went to England about 5 years ago, the same thing happened, she binged, quit going to work (had a real good job at time), got picked up for drunken driving (after leaving liquor store), so of course, I had thought that history would repeat itself. Well, of course, it did.

About one week after Mom left and sis wouldn’t answer phone at all (our Aunt and her Godmother was trying as well), I ran over there at lunch to check on her. I figured she had started drinking again and was scared to death that I would find her in the same condition as when we called 911 in February when she almost died. Well, my prediction was correct; I walked into a usually spic and span house that looked like a tornado hit, with spoiled food all over the counters, burned food in pans and on stovetop, etc. I walked into her room and there she was, laying in her own blood tinged vomit, with two buckets filled to brim as well and spilling all over the floor. She awoke, saying she had “the flu”. Of course, I knew better and asked her how much she drank. She stuck to her “flu” story, until I looked in her usual booze stash place (laundry hamper) and found 2 empty 1.75 liters of vodka and a third bottle that was almost polished off. She was “coherent” and got up, so I figured she wasn’t life threatening and asked her if she was ready to go to doctor/emergency room, which of course, she then got angry and said to leave her alone. As I dumped the rest of her vodka down the drain (I know, useless task), she crawled back in bed, pulled out another bottle from under covers, and swigged away. At that point, I just left. I couldn’t force her to go to hospital and after talking to ER, Crisis Center, I couldn’t do nothing unless she threatened her life. I could have called 911, but she could have refused to go, unlike last time, where she was unconscious and didn’t have much of a pulse.

Fast forward 22 days. She has been fired from job, I went to lunch at restaurant a few weeks ago where she worked and asked if “K” was working (they didn’t know me) and if she could wait on me. They said she had been fired for not showing up for work, which I had pretty much figured out already. I dropped a little white lie on Easter on my daily check on her to see if she was dead or not, telling her Mom “may” be coming back a week early. Not sure why I said that, hoping to get her to crawl out of her stupor and start moving around. You see, after the initial confirmation weeks earlier when she was drinking, she basically locked her bedroom door and wouldn’t come out when I checked in her. Even having our Aunt go over to ask her is she needed help; she wouldn’t open the door, basically barricading herself in, stating she had the flu and didn’t want our Aunt to catch it.

Stopped by yesterday to check on her. Of course, newspapers piled up on porch, mail pouring out of mailbox (hers, I kept getting my Mom’s to pay her bills), but somewhat of a surprise when I walked in door. She had called me the day after my white lie, wondering what time Mom was coming in. I never did call her back, but she did clean up the disaster in kitchen. Her bedroom door was open and when I peaked in, she was on floor, trying to scrub off vomit from floor, which by now, had basically eaten it’s way through the wood floors. The vomit on sheets was all dried up, but not changed. She, of course, was very drunk and I of course, just left, she was moving, so she was alive.

I almost think she is trying to get to a somewhat “sober” state and by the time I pick up Mom this Monday and bring her home, the house will be spotless, she’ll keep her bedroom door closed (it’s my room, where’s my privacy, reasons why Mom won’t go in there), and she’ll act like nothing has happened. Mom already figured out she was drinking after the first week, since sis never did pick up phone when Mom tried calling from England. Mom called me from England and first words out of her mouth was “K” is drinking again, isn’t she. She asked me to check on her to make sure she wasn’t dead, which is what I’ve been doing.

Here is the pisser. After going through all this for almost a month, I’m spent. I’ve been going to Al-Anon, talking with our aunt every day (the sweetest woman in the world) about our worry of sis, talking with sister-in-law (a wonderful woman, sober for 15 years, and very active in AA) meeting with counselor, as well as writing on this forum to help me deal with this, yet I feel like this will get brushed off again. Mom will just continue to live her life and basically ignore her, yet in so many ways, she is enabling her. If anything, Mom and I will argue about her (again), since I keep telling her she is enabling her (living there for nothing, not realizing she is drinking or just ignoring it). Sis will act like nothing has happened for the past 4 weeks and pretend to be going to work like she still has a job. Of course, when she goes to “work”, she basically will park her car somewhere and drinks the whole time, returning after her “shift” is done. Then again, I’m not sure how much money she has (was making good coin as waitress) to buy booze.

Since Mom will be back, I can distance myself somewhat from the day to day BS and let her deal with, but that isn’t fair to Mom. Then again, I don’t want to get in arguments with Mom about her enabling. My wife tells me a man doesn’t understand a “Mom’s perspective”, that if my Mom were to kick out sis, she would never forgive herself is something happened to her. My argument is that by enabling her like this, she’ll never get better, she will never hit her rock bottom with my Mom still basically wiping her arse. Wouldn’t’ she feel guilty if she realizes she is enabling her in so many ways? This is the same woman, when sis was serving time for 3rd DUI, would pick her up each day for work (on work release) with clean clothes, breakfast, a bag lunch, then pick her up each night with a quick dinner for ride back to jail. Mom did this for 8 months; her reasoning was she needed to keep her job to pay her bills. Well, the only one concerned about her bills is Mom, my AS doesn’t give a sh*t about it.

Well, I’ve rambled on long enough; I just have to get this off my chest. I just need to keep working my program of Al-Anon, education, staying busy, and trying to offer support for others. I know dealing with this is never easy. I am still dealing with a lot of emotions the past few months, from almost losing my sister to her basically heading down that same path so soon afterwards. The anger, frustration, sadness, and such still come about, but not as much as in past, since I know I have no control over this. It is just sad sitting by watching this beautiful, intelligent, sister of mine slowly killing herself. I also see how she is basically following the same pattern as our AF, who died at 46 from drinking himself to death in the same manner. I mean, Dad and Sis both vodka drinkers, burned out esophagus, as well as other health problems, and living in total denial that they have a drinking problem. Denial is the key word here.

Thanks all for letting me vent, may the good Lord watch over all of us and give us the strength to overcome the pain and suffering that addiction causes.

Barbara52

Why not? If your mother chooses to continuing enabling, well that is her choice not yours. Mom has the information she needs to make a healthier choice but chooses not do so. Her right. And not your problem. Not something you can control either.

GiveLove

The same thing leapt out at me, dreamstones. Sometimes, it's not just the alcoholic we have to let hit bottom: it's their enablers as well.

Are you ready to let your mother find her bottom finally? Just as she is enabling your sister, through many of your actions YOU are enabling HER.

I hope you can turn the focus back to your own life, your own hopes and dreams, and let your sister's HP worry about her. You cannot change this situation. You can only control how close to it you want to sit.

dreamstones

Barbara52 and GiveLove,

You both are so right. When you said my Mom needs to hit rock bottom GiveLove, that is so true, I guess she hasn't.

I guess since Dad died (or perhaps when he was alive and boozing it up), I've had to be "the man of the family". My Dad's family is large and very close and loving, but even since Dad died, I've been looked upon as the "man".

Now that I look back at it, my Mom more or less put me in this mindset from way back. I remember her sending me out at 16 to scour the bars looking for Dad's car, moving it a couple of blocks away (or having a friend come along to drive it home) so he wouldn't find it, then drive and kill somebody, thus making him take a cab home. Even when sis got caught her junior year on the last day of school, passed out naked with some guy on someone's lawn, she sent me down to jail to find out what happened (Dad was drunk somewhere out of town).

I guess my family is pretty messed up. Mom is wonderful, but she can be a pill sometimes, guess she needs to decide how she wants to live her life, I can't control that either...

Thank you both for your words of encouragement and support!