Hi, I'm new
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Hi, I'm new
My story is one that I'm sure you've heard before.
Married to an A, he got sober, but the A behavior continued. I thought that everything would be great if he would just stop drinking, but it has gotten to the point where I have asked him to move out.
I'm hurting a lot. I'm in Al-Anon and have been for a couple of months, but have felt disconnected the past few days. I haven't called my sponsor and haven't been to meetings and haven't read my literature, and I'm suffering as a result.
I guess I'm here looking for anyone who can relate to my situation, someone who understands what I am trying to say. Thanks.
Married to an A, he got sober, but the A behavior continued. I thought that everything would be great if he would just stop drinking, but it has gotten to the point where I have asked him to move out.
I'm hurting a lot. I'm in Al-Anon and have been for a couple of months, but have felt disconnected the past few days. I haven't called my sponsor and haven't been to meetings and haven't read my literature, and I'm suffering as a result.
I guess I'm here looking for anyone who can relate to my situation, someone who understands what I am trying to say. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Cath,
I think there's probably hundreds of people here who know exactly what you're feeling.
Sometimes it turns out not to be the alcohol at all. Sometimes they're just not good people.
And even if they once seemed good, people keep changing throughout their lives. Sometimes they have just changed into something that's no longer good for us.
I am so glad you're here, and I hope you can plug yourself back in to your other support systems as well - that jolt of compassion and wisdom right in the solar plexus will make all the difference in the world.
You can't change him. But that doesn't mean the end of your happiness. As my dear friend Desert Eyes' signature line says, "Sunsets are not endings. If I have enough faith, they are beginnings."
Hugs to you to help you through this new beginning :ghug3
I think there's probably hundreds of people here who know exactly what you're feeling.
Sometimes it turns out not to be the alcohol at all. Sometimes they're just not good people.
And even if they once seemed good, people keep changing throughout their lives. Sometimes they have just changed into something that's no longer good for us.
I am so glad you're here, and I hope you can plug yourself back in to your other support systems as well - that jolt of compassion and wisdom right in the solar plexus will make all the difference in the world.
You can't change him. But that doesn't mean the end of your happiness. As my dear friend Desert Eyes' signature line says, "Sunsets are not endings. If I have enough faith, they are beginnings."
Hugs to you to help you through this new beginning :ghug3
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Welcome Cath!
I think I've hit the same rut you're in before
Hell - I KNOW I have.
Someone once told me feelings are like a wave - let it wash over you until it recedes - then pick yourself up, dry yourself off, then admire the beauty of the shore.
When you're ready, you'll pick up that book, call your sponsor and step back into things.
Regardless what happened in my relationship with XABF, the knowledge and wisdom and personal growth gained in recovery from codependence is by far the single best thing to happen to me in my life.
Sorry you are in such pain Cath (((hugs))).
I think I've hit the same rut you're in before
Hell - I KNOW I have. Someone once told me feelings are like a wave - let it wash over you until it recedes - then pick yourself up, dry yourself off, then admire the beauty of the shore.
When you're ready, you'll pick up that book, call your sponsor and step back into things.
Regardless what happened in my relationship with XABF, the knowledge and wisdom and personal growth gained in recovery from codependence is by far the single best thing to happen to me in my life.
Sorry you are in such pain Cath (((hugs))).
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Yes, I know exactly what you're dealing with, sadly.
Something to keep in mind, is that this doesn't have to be permanent you know. I know that early recovery is tough, and things may change - they may not. But if it helps to think of your separation as temporary, do so.
Call your sponsor! /Mom voice off
Something to keep in mind, is that this doesn't have to be permanent you know. I know that early recovery is tough, and things may change - they may not. But if it helps to think of your separation as temporary, do so.
Call your sponsor! /Mom voice off
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome to SR, Cath. Imagine my horror when I walked away from the EXAH thinking the problem was over, when in fact I still had a huge problem looking right back at me in the mirror! 
I can sure tell the difference when I'm being obstinate and missing meetings, not reading literature, and being proactive in my own recovery. In short, I'm usually a mess before long!
I hope you continue to post, and know you are among folks who do understand!
:ghug
I can sure tell the difference when I'm being obstinate and missing meetings, not reading literature, and being proactive in my own recovery. In short, I'm usually a mess before long!
I hope you continue to post, and know you are among folks who do understand!
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi Cath.. Welcome to SR
Been there, done that.. got the scars to prove it.
Sometimes you know, it isn't just the alcohol.. sometimes there are other issues and no amount of AA and not picking up that first drink is going to make a difference.
Don't feel bad about feeling disconnected.. you are going through emotional turmoil right now.. but I find that the times when I don't want to do something are the times that I should.
Welcome to SRBeen there, done that.. got the scars to prove it.
Sometimes you know, it isn't just the alcohol.. sometimes there are other issues and no amount of AA and not picking up that first drink is going to make a difference.
Don't feel bad about feeling disconnected.. you are going through emotional turmoil right now.. but I find that the times when I don't want to do something are the times that I should.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Feel a bit more focused today. Will try to reconnect with some of my old friends, and then there is an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow morning that I can go to. I seriously need to get back working my program...otherwise, I feel like c**p. I get so isolated, but I know it's where the disease wants me to be. I want that good feeling back
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Here is a good place to be also Cath, for me anyway. I can't get to meetings right now, they're just too far away for me. So, if nothing else, keep posting!
To address the issue with your AH: I often observed odd behavior in mine, that had I not thought he was working his program, would have led me to believe he was not actually sober. I'm not convinced he's ever been really sober now. Not for more than a few weeks at a time anyway.
What I'm saying is that it is possible that he's continuing to use something, and because you assume he's not - the behavior is baffling to you.
It no longer matters to me if mine is, or isn't. His behavior is unacceptable to me, and that's all I need to know.
To address the issue with your AH: I often observed odd behavior in mine, that had I not thought he was working his program, would have led me to believe he was not actually sober. I'm not convinced he's ever been really sober now. Not for more than a few weeks at a time anyway.
What I'm saying is that it is possible that he's continuing to use something, and because you assume he's not - the behavior is baffling to you.
It no longer matters to me if mine is, or isn't. His behavior is unacceptable to me, and that's all I need to know.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Originally Posted by Still Waters 
It no longer matters to me if mine is, or isn't. His behavior is unacceptable to me, and that's all I need to know.
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
*hug* Hi Cath,
I was very much in your boat. My XAH stopped drinking last July and I started to rejoice, talked about starting a family, etc. I thought all our problems had been solved and life would become the beautiful dream I thought it would be back when I married him. But instead of better, things went WAAAAY downhill fast. He agreed to move out, but after 4 weeks of being out he got sick of that and moved himself back home. Then I moved out and as his behavior/treatment toward me grew uglier still, I filed for divorce. There were several books I read that helped me to understand that the underlying issue was emotional/psychological abuse. Two books that spoke VOLUMES to me were "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and "Two Good For Her Own Good" which is co-authored. Those two books helped me see what had me so messed up about his behavior and why I felt so responsible for fixing it all.
A really good article shared by Ago on this site recently that might help you determine if this is what is affecting your relationship is: Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Worth Reading and re-posting... - DailyStrength
***hugs*** Keep the focus on YOU, take care of YOU, get the support YOU need. Have you found a counselor/therapist in your area that has experience in substance abuse? I have to say aside from this website, my counselor has been INDESPENSIBLE to me and my growth and wellbeing!!!
Thinking of you,
JustMe
I was very much in your boat. My XAH stopped drinking last July and I started to rejoice, talked about starting a family, etc. I thought all our problems had been solved and life would become the beautiful dream I thought it would be back when I married him. But instead of better, things went WAAAAY downhill fast. He agreed to move out, but after 4 weeks of being out he got sick of that and moved himself back home. Then I moved out and as his behavior/treatment toward me grew uglier still, I filed for divorce. There were several books I read that helped me to understand that the underlying issue was emotional/psychological abuse. Two books that spoke VOLUMES to me were "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and "Two Good For Her Own Good" which is co-authored. Those two books helped me see what had me so messed up about his behavior and why I felt so responsible for fixing it all.
A really good article shared by Ago on this site recently that might help you determine if this is what is affecting your relationship is: Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Worth Reading and re-posting... - DailyStrength
***hugs*** Keep the focus on YOU, take care of YOU, get the support YOU need. Have you found a counselor/therapist in your area that has experience in substance abuse? I have to say aside from this website, my counselor has been INDESPENSIBLE to me and my growth and wellbeing!!!
Thinking of you,
JustMe
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