Dreamchaser71

Hey All,
Thanks first of all for being here and Thanks to the ones who commented on my post on mermaids thread. I found you all by mistake or fortune how ever it maybe but I found you. I'm in a whirl wind and I'm trying to find solid ground to stand on. My husband has been drinking since he was 12 or 14 and he is going to be 50 this year. He was in court on a DUI and was drunk at 9 am. He was also on parole(Not for drinking) and his PO showed up at court. Long story short he was sent back to DOC for the remainder of his time which was 7 months.
During his time away, my nephew poisoned 3 of our horses which ended up killing them. One of the neighbors came over to "school me" because he was mad at his wife for being raped and I was trying to be a friend to her. I made the mistake of telling him that he was mad at the wrong person that he should be mad with the one who hurt his wife. Well.....I whooped his butt.
Then the day after Thanksgiving My husbands Mom passed away. I was there by her side when she passed when he couldn't be.
The day he got out, I told him I can't do this anymore that it tore me down to much. That I love him and that I will alway be here for him but that I can't go through this anymore.
Things were fine until the day he bought a half pint of whiskey and I told him point blank it was going to be either that or me that when he makes his choice to let me know because if he chose the whiskey I was gone.
The whiskey sat there for 3 days before HE poured it out.
But since then it's been the cold shoulder. Don't get me wrong he still says he loves me, gives me kisses and we still sleep in the same bed but that's as far as it goes. I try to initiate intimacy but he either walks away or laughs.
This morning was a bad day I guess you would say, I blew up. I got tired of feeling rejected and fell into the What the hell have I done wrong.
I told him how I felt he wants to find someone new, he said no, I said I didn't feel like he wanted to be with me that all I get is laughed at or rejected. I was even harsh and told him sarcastically that the cool part of this whole thing was that he was stomping on my heart and didn't even care.
He came over gave me a kiss and walked out to take care of the horses. I feel bad but damn it I'm hurting.
No he isn't in AA and the closest thing to Alanon I have is you all here. The reason for that is because when my nephew was here he also put water in my oil and drained the antifreeze out of my truck and it cracked the block because I didn't know he had done it.
We are in the middle of switching engines in it now. The day I posted on mermaids post, He came in and asked what I was doing and I told him I was in a chat for AA/Alanon and if looks could kill. I mentioned that maybe he could try the chats here and here is a big surprise----silence.
What do I do? I'm tired of hurting and I know he is hurting too. I have to say everything is good when there is other people around. Maybe it is me.....

Barbara52

Maybe it is you if that means you are finding that your life is unacceptable and you want it to change. It sure doesn't sound like much of a marriage from the little you ahve said here. So, what do you want? What can you do to make your life better? You can't change you AH but you can change the way you react to him, you can choose to leave, you can chosoe to stay with better boundaries and detachment.

Dreamchaser71

I went through this when I was younger with my dad. My mom and I packed up and moved out of the state we were living in at the time. My parents eventually got back together and have been through his sobriety which I'm proud of him to say has been well over 25 yrs!!!. I knew/know this isn't going to be an easy road and I have even asked my mom how she was able to be so strong? I guess instead of me taking one step at a time I need to just go one minute at a time. Step back and take a deep breath..........

Barbara52

A few deep breaths are always a good idea when things are making us nuts. Nothing needs to be decided immediately. You have time to think it through and figure out what you want going forward.

GiveLove

dreamchaser, why is your nephew being so awful? What's his problem? I know that's not why you're posting, but the evil he's committing is so strange to me, and is causing so much stress for you.

Do you know the serenity prayer?
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and Wisdom to know the difference.

Sometimes, when my relationship's on the rocks, I have to repeat that to myself over and over. If I am not keeping myself busy enough, or I'm not concentrating on doing the things that bring me joy, and have too much time on my hands to "awfulize" about things, that makes things worse too.

How can you turn the focus back on you for now? Your husband can't be your sole source of happiness....no human being can carry that burden for us. Is it possible for you to concentrate on your own life, working on your dreams, and on the things you want to improve about it (having more freedom and security seems like a good plan)?

No really good ideas here -- but sending you hugs and good wishes that you'll find a way back to happiness, no matter what your husband chooses to do.

tallulah

Sounds very familiar to me. I had a whole year of that. I was sooo not happy and I was with someone who if he even noticed was incapable of communicating (with me anyway) about it. And because he had done a really good job on me before, I even questioned whether it was me.

All relationships have rough patches or things that need to be worked on and through. Even the most healthy of partnerships. But if you are with someone who absolutely refuses to acknowledge the problem or see if it is capable of working through what can you do? You're stuck in a limbo getting more and more unhappy.

Getting dry is one thing. Addressing the demons is another. Without both things coming together, in my experience, whatever you do to try and make it is doomed. And while they refuse to address their demons they are stuck in the pointing finger mindset completely oblivious to the fact that whilst they are pointing one finger at you there are three pointing right back at them.

You sound very unhappy. I hope you come to see and find what will make this, your one life, a joyful happy place to be. :ghug

Dreamchaser71

Thanks for the words of encouragement. To answer your question about the serenity prayer GiveLove yes I know it but right now I feel like I'm stuck on the alternate version of it. I saw your post and am :praying for you. I wanted to comment and try to give you a few words of encouragement but I didn't feel I could right now. I hope you understand. I do hope that you can find your strength. As far as my nephew goes I have no clue but I have had my dealings with that situation and have it in the past. Hacunna Matata right? That's because I know he will pay one day for his actions.

Tallulah it is so hard right now because of how things use to be. It's funny he use to tell me you can never go back but I always told him you can if you really want to. Now I know that God doesn't put more on you than you can handle but I just wish He didn't have so much faith in me.

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

Colorado Al-Anon & Alateen Meeting Information

A lot of us find face-to-face support an indispensable part of our recovery.
Some of us have had unpleasant experiences as a result of sharing our participation in this forum with others that were not in recovery.

mermaidgirl

I wish I had something really useful to say like everyone else here, but I do know one thing that helps and it is to focus on yourself. I think this whole concept is lost when we are in relationships where our loved one is ill, but as you realize that something isn't "right" you should know that you are moving in the direction your truth and heart are taking you.

I know all about the invisibleness that the A would like for you to live in-but you aren't invisible. Stay strong and hold up the mirror that lets you live your truth-every minute.:ghug3

tallulah

I know what you mean. :ghug

I too used to cling on to the fact that in the very beginning things were different and that if we had been that before we could be again. But I was kidding myself. He was never that man I fell in love with. I can see that now. So how could we ever go back to something that never existed in the first place.

It breaks your heart. You are being rejected every single day of your relationship both emotionally and physically. If you are not careful it can eat away at your self esteem, your capability, everything. You are at a table hunting for scraps when you should be attending the banquet.

Forget your HP for a moment... How about faith in yourself? You are a strong woman: you must be because you are surviving in an emotionally abusive relationship.

naive

hi dreamchaser-

i want to address the lack of intimacy. i'm wondering if this comes with the drinking? because mine is the same. and you know what? it's not enough for me.

i made a rule a long time ago in my life that i would not have sex with a man who had been drinking, that i would only have sex straight up.

well, living with an ABF, that doesn't work out very well. he's either drunk or hungover, neither a turn-on for me. he only seems interested in making love after he's had some drinks.

i'm of the opinion that when the physical intimacy leaves, the relationship is in trouble.

why do we feel that we have to settle for crumbs?

when i was leaving for america (to get a break from ABF in UK), i confided in a male friend that i would be gone for 5 weeks, that me and ABF were experiencing difficulties due to his drinking. my friend said he hoped i would come back. that he thought i was beautiful, inside and out.

when my friend said that, i realized how starved i was, as a woman. my ABF indifference to me had become so normal, i had forgotten what it felt like to receive a compliment, to feel beautiful.

tallulah

Oh my goodness naive I know how that feels.

I said something about the scar on my face to the plastic surgeon. It is healing but it will scar permanently but *crosses fingers* not so badly that it can't be covered or look terrible when I wear no make up. He looked at it and said nah you'll be fine, you're still beautiful. And you know what he meant it... it wasn't a platitude or a manipulation.. it came from a good place and was an observation with no hooks!

And many other people have said the same and about me as a person. I have had many positive reinforcements and that only served to show me what awful things I've accepted from the A.

Naive I hope you keep yourself safe from the negativity of the A. YOU deserve nothing but positives. :ghug

DvsAngelNxs

I have been reading your post. It like I was reading some of my own thoughts. Scary how we think we are all alone and must be crazy to live this life...More like a dream you cant wake up from. Then you come here and find its an alternate reality for so many.

I pray for you and yours...and want you to know you are in my thoughts today.

Dreamchaser71

Hi Everyone. Yes I'm still here and have now gone from hurting to numb for the time being--That is until my emotions take over again. I don't know if I was being the bigger person or just trying to make him feel guilty but I asked him if I could tell him something. I told him I was sorry for my blow up and he told me that was alright I was telling him how I felt. I told him that it was just that I was hurting and He needed to know. I do realize that I can't fix him he has to want to fix himself. My sister-inlaw told me that he has know nothing but the drinking, that he has always pushed others away and he doesn't know what to do. I'm doing my very best to be patient but somedays it's a battle. I know I am somebody, that I am strong and beautiful but I'm not ready to give up yet. You know for the first few lines of this he kept coming in and I would change pages just to save face but then I said this is silly all he is going to do is think I'm cheating on him. So this last time he came into the room I left it up. He looked at it and kissed me on the cheek and walked out of the room. (my revelation?) Maybe he will see how it helps me to get this off my cheat and begin to get more curious and want to try it too. At least until we get our truck running and we can go into town. (fyi we are 50 miles from town) Thanks everyone for being there I love you all for it.

Dreamchaser71

I also wanted to share something very personal with you all... November of 2007 I did something that one of the questions asked under the self test for Alanon. I overdosed... I took 40 300mg of seraquil. I don't know if I was really trying to kill myself or open his eyes at what he was doing to me (emotionally). All I know is that I was tired. I need to say please don't ever go to that extreme, it really doesn't change a thing. I was in ICU for 3 days and AH was in jail not knowing if I was even still alive. Who was that reality check really for? Me or the AH?

DvsAngelNxs

It strange how the numb thing works I go from beside myself to absolutely numb..at first I was starting to think I was having a nervous breakdown. A Little Scary. But for whatever reason after the numb goes away I get a little clarity. Not so sure its the numb that brings it or just that place of utter exhaustion, like how much worse can it get.

Or maybe its god helping me along.

Still Waters

The damage we do to ourselves is scary, and yes, we do it to ourselves because we're willing participants in the addiction game.

I know that feeling of tired. Some days I have trouble getting out of bed, it just doesn't seem worth it. And I STILL can't find a steady job, waking up to that every day is tough.

But, such is life. It's a beautiful day outside, the birds are flapping about in the water, cat stole my lip balm again, kiddo is working on her hair, laundry is waiting. Life. It's lovely.

Hang in there Dreamchaser.

bluejay6

just don't isolate emotionally, 50 miles away out there, okay dreamchaser? it's the isolation that gives the disease the power to destroy us, emotionally or physically. your overdose seems a cry from you for help, not a punishment of him.

in whatever way you can be around healthy people....any way you can do it, do that regularly...and finding one stable person you can trust and talk to.....just don't isolate, sweetie.

Dreamchaser71

I have a really good neighbor and we talk quite a bit about how things are going. It is hard to take some of her advice because she isn't dealing with a AH. Things seem a little better between us but I'm still taking things slow as not to let my guard down so I don't hurt again. Thank you everyone for being here to help me get through this. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but with everyone here I know I'll be just fine. Also wanted to let everyone know that we are just about done with swapping out the engines in our truck. Now we just have a coil issue to get through and we will be mobile again(Yippeee!!!!)

DvsAngelNxs

Praying for you Dreamchaser71.