i have a 41 year old alcholic son i can't help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: sacramento, ca
Posts: 2
i have a 41 year old alcholic son i can't help
Please advise if you can.* My son is 41 and has been an alcoholic since age 16.* My marriage broke up and he stayed with his dad until his dad remarried and i remarried and neither spouse wanted to deal with him.* He has been in a few rehabs, the last one being quite nice, and after being there a week or two he brought a bottle into the facility.* Kicked out.* Had been in prison for assessory and paroled but violated parole by not keeping in touch with PO.* He is shy and doesn't like AA because he has to talk.* After prison, he came with my husband and I to live with strict rules which he broke after 2 weeks by drinking.* My husband and I kicked him out of the house and he has been homeless since.* He visited his sister and niece and stole $100 from his niece, showed up in our garage, and husband took him to jail where he spent about 6 months for parole violation.* He was out and trying to get on GA, has a heart problem was trying to get set up with a dr and got picked up after about 1 1/2 months out.* Back to prison where he is due to be released in a month.* He does not want to be homeless as you can stay in a shelter for 4 days, then 3 days on the street or elsewhere, back in for 4 days, a revolving door, just like prison.* It is winter and he is dreading it.* I feel guilty for not telling him to come here, but I can't live with the drinking, lying and now theft.* He is the nicest, brightest good to be around person sober.* He turns a 180 when he has been drinking.* His heart condition does not allow that he drink, but he does anyway. He says he will try again when he gets out, wants a halfway house, shelter, somewhere to live. He has let us down so much and I want to trust him so badly, but my head tells me no, regardless of what my heart says. Any feedback would be appreciated. 4myson**
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
My son is 30 and not yet in recovery...binge drinker...I know how hard it can be.
I would suggest you post this in the friends and family section. There are many people who have been where you are.
It might take a while to get a response, but they will help you.
I would suggest you post this in the friends and family section. There are many people who have been where you are.
It might take a while to get a response, but they will help you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 469
Wow sorry for what you have been going thru for years...it is not easy....If he is homeless and no money, I would think he could qualify for state/county paid rehab. , I know that I did outpatient, but there were some people doing inpatient and state or county was paying, some rehab centers have so many beds for that. Secondly I know that here in florida after rehab they have what they call res4 it is a halfway house for addicts/alchys, and they also have state/county beds..waiting list for both I am sure..but they are out there. He would have to really want it..and work it, for they would both kick him out if he abused it and drank......
You made a comment about AA and he had to talk...I go to different meetings and never have I been to one that makes you talk....certain days they do 12 and 12 or big book reading and you can even pass on reading, never mind speaking..other meetings are open discussion..and you do not have to speak...ya think maybe it was his excuse for not going??
Bottom line, he will not stop until he really wants to...he will continue drinking, stealing and in and out of jail......we all have our rock bottom, am not sure what his is. ..he has been thru alot with his drinking..I would advise you to go to alanon, get support for yourself. He needs to do for himself..you need to do for you..I pray it is different this time when he gets out....but only he knows and can do it..you can't....try alanon and /or a therapist...everyone is affected by alcoholism.... :praying for you.
You made a comment about AA and he had to talk...I go to different meetings and never have I been to one that makes you talk....certain days they do 12 and 12 or big book reading and you can even pass on reading, never mind speaking..other meetings are open discussion..and you do not have to speak...ya think maybe it was his excuse for not going??
Bottom line, he will not stop until he really wants to...he will continue drinking, stealing and in and out of jail......we all have our rock bottom, am not sure what his is. ..he has been thru alot with his drinking..I would advise you to go to alanon, get support for yourself. He needs to do for himself..you need to do for you..I pray it is different this time when he gets out....but only he knows and can do it..you can't....try alanon and /or a therapist...everyone is affected by alcoholism.... :praying for you.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
So sad to watch our sons self destruct. I know, I too am a mother of an alcoholic/addict.
Use the internet to research Oxford House Oxford House
or Salvation Army drug rehabilitation program
Provide your son with opportunities for recovery. Maybe he is ready to follow through
if you give him the information and help him get there.
If not, do not feel guilty about not offering him your home. He has a choice.
You too have the choice to live securely without a front row seat to the chaos,
lies theft and sorrow of his life.
Maybe he will be ready for recovery now.
If not, I hope you find the serenity that you deserve.
My son is in recovery now, for 9 mos. One yr. ago I never would have believed it.
I had hope and faith. I did not enable him but I did help him find a place to go when he was ready.
Use the internet to research Oxford House Oxford House
or Salvation Army drug rehabilitation program
Provide your son with opportunities for recovery. Maybe he is ready to follow through
if you give him the information and help him get there.
If not, do not feel guilty about not offering him your home. He has a choice.
You too have the choice to live securely without a front row seat to the chaos,
lies theft and sorrow of his life.
Maybe he will be ready for recovery now.
If not, I hope you find the serenity that you deserve.
My son is in recovery now, for 9 mos. One yr. ago I never would have believed it.
I had hope and faith. I did not enable him but I did help him find a place to go when he was ready.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
When it comes to dealing with addicts or recovering addicts, today I listen to my head and not my heart. I've learned that I have to protect myself from other people's problems lest they become my own. Maybe being homeless in winter will be a big wake up call for him. Regardless, his current situation is the result of his actions and choices. If folks shield him from the consequences of his actions, how will he learn to behave differently?
I know it's hard.
I know it's hard.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 63
You're right to follow your head.
He has already made an unfortunate track record of failing to stay sober, stealing, (and lying ?), and you have to preserve Your sanity first.
I know exactly what you mean by someone being bright, funny, and intelligent when sober but they do a 180 when drunk.
It's like Jekyll and Hyde....so very ugly and sad.
Seeing that change in my AH made me very angry and depressed and that manifested itself in me in ways that I never expected....The house started to look like a domestic bomb went off....He did Nothing around the house....so neither did I re: clutter.
I gave up trying to tell my AH that he was going to end up with a DUI and last summer had started telling him "All you have to do for something bad to happen, is fall asleep."
(He's 47.)
And Aug. 27th around 130am, he did.
Thank God there was no oncoming traffic.
He fell asleep and his 2005 F250 4x4 crossed to the opposite ditch, the concrete culvert ripping the driver side front wheel off the axle, bending the frame.
Our insurance company declared it totaled.
Anyway...He got out of his truck (I guess the alcohol kept him from realizing how bad his back was.) and someone driving by brought him to the house (only 3 miles away) ....
Since the police never saw him in his truck, he escaped a DUI.
I know he had fallen asleep because he only had "airbag rash" on his forehead.
But he did end up about a week later getting back fusion surgery.
His L-1 vertebra was badly compressed.
(that's the 3rd one down from the bottom of your rib cage.)
His disks were unaffected and his spinal column unaffected....amazingly.
He was Very fortunate....and he realizes it.
He has taken responsibility for this.
He knows he screwed himself up....and will have a permanent, daily reminder in his back of a very stupid decision to drink and drive....one more time.
I never had to chew him out because of his reaction to it.
He got 5 vertebrae fused in surgery Sept. 2nd.
10 screws and 2 rods.
He got extra cause he's diabetic.
He's getting around fairly good now....is off Rx pain killers since Oct. 11th.
Only takes occasional tylenol now...(he had checked out of the hospital Sept. 5th on 2 different narcotic pain killers)......
I have told him about the danger of mixing tylenol with alcohol....VERY bad for the liver.
He's still getting used to having hardware in his back....but is doing much better than he expected to be doing at this time.
He starts physical therapy the first week in December.
He has not gotten behind the wheel after drinking since then.
He didn't drink at all for 6 weeks after the surgery....and has had a few beers occasionally.
I have seen them......he has not snuck extra in....
It would affect his personality too much.
He cannot hide it no matter how he tries....More than 2 makes him a beligerant *******.
Old habits (of crawling into a bottle to handle anger or particular issues) die hard....and I know only time till tell if he was serious about NEVER drinking and driving again.
I'd rather he didn't drink at all ever again......but if it is 2 beers.....in one day....and not on a daily basis.....
Maybe he was/is one of those people who abuses alcohol but was not addicted to the point of having the awful withdrawals that the severe ones do when they stop....he didn't have any side effects of stopping alcohol with the crash.
He has agreed to go with a male friend of his to take an anger management course and I think that would help him a LOT....he is angry about many things....losing his job over a technicalitythat was not his fault, to name one.
I wouldn't mind taking one myself...I think anger doesn't affect everyone in a way that has them blowing up.....it manifests itself in other and insidious ways.
Anyway......it's a waiting game now to see how serious he is....I won't believe he's changed till it's been a year.
I had tried to stop enabling last July and it was difficult to just stop reacting at all....Very difficult.
It's like watching a train wreck.
Al-anon's rule of not helping them with any consequences of their drinking....where do you draw the line ?
There is no way I would Not have been there for him after his crash.
It would never have occured to me to be anywhere ELSE but there for him.
He was so very embarrassed and apologetic.....and in a lot of pain that he knew, and acknowledged, was HIS fault.
Ah well.....I guess that's it for now.
He has already made an unfortunate track record of failing to stay sober, stealing, (and lying ?), and you have to preserve Your sanity first.
I know exactly what you mean by someone being bright, funny, and intelligent when sober but they do a 180 when drunk.
It's like Jekyll and Hyde....so very ugly and sad.
Seeing that change in my AH made me very angry and depressed and that manifested itself in me in ways that I never expected....The house started to look like a domestic bomb went off....He did Nothing around the house....so neither did I re: clutter.
I gave up trying to tell my AH that he was going to end up with a DUI and last summer had started telling him "All you have to do for something bad to happen, is fall asleep."
(He's 47.)
And Aug. 27th around 130am, he did.
Thank God there was no oncoming traffic.
He fell asleep and his 2005 F250 4x4 crossed to the opposite ditch, the concrete culvert ripping the driver side front wheel off the axle, bending the frame.
Our insurance company declared it totaled.
Anyway...He got out of his truck (I guess the alcohol kept him from realizing how bad his back was.) and someone driving by brought him to the house (only 3 miles away) ....
Since the police never saw him in his truck, he escaped a DUI.
I know he had fallen asleep because he only had "airbag rash" on his forehead.
But he did end up about a week later getting back fusion surgery.
His L-1 vertebra was badly compressed.
(that's the 3rd one down from the bottom of your rib cage.)
His disks were unaffected and his spinal column unaffected....amazingly.
He was Very fortunate....and he realizes it.
He has taken responsibility for this.
He knows he screwed himself up....and will have a permanent, daily reminder in his back of a very stupid decision to drink and drive....one more time.
I never had to chew him out because of his reaction to it.
He got 5 vertebrae fused in surgery Sept. 2nd.
10 screws and 2 rods.
He got extra cause he's diabetic.
He's getting around fairly good now....is off Rx pain killers since Oct. 11th.
Only takes occasional tylenol now...(he had checked out of the hospital Sept. 5th on 2 different narcotic pain killers)......
I have told him about the danger of mixing tylenol with alcohol....VERY bad for the liver.
He's still getting used to having hardware in his back....but is doing much better than he expected to be doing at this time.
He starts physical therapy the first week in December.
He has not gotten behind the wheel after drinking since then.
He didn't drink at all for 6 weeks after the surgery....and has had a few beers occasionally.
I have seen them......he has not snuck extra in....
It would affect his personality too much.
He cannot hide it no matter how he tries....More than 2 makes him a beligerant *******.
Old habits (of crawling into a bottle to handle anger or particular issues) die hard....and I know only time till tell if he was serious about NEVER drinking and driving again.
I'd rather he didn't drink at all ever again......but if it is 2 beers.....in one day....and not on a daily basis.....
Maybe he was/is one of those people who abuses alcohol but was not addicted to the point of having the awful withdrawals that the severe ones do when they stop....he didn't have any side effects of stopping alcohol with the crash.
He has agreed to go with a male friend of his to take an anger management course and I think that would help him a LOT....he is angry about many things....losing his job over a technicalitythat was not his fault, to name one.
I wouldn't mind taking one myself...I think anger doesn't affect everyone in a way that has them blowing up.....it manifests itself in other and insidious ways.
Anyway......it's a waiting game now to see how serious he is....I won't believe he's changed till it's been a year.
I had tried to stop enabling last July and it was difficult to just stop reacting at all....Very difficult.
It's like watching a train wreck.
Al-anon's rule of not helping them with any consequences of their drinking....where do you draw the line ?
There is no way I would Not have been there for him after his crash.
It would never have occured to me to be anywhere ELSE but there for him.
He was so very embarrassed and apologetic.....and in a lot of pain that he knew, and acknowledged, was HIS fault.
Ah well.....I guess that's it for now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: sacramento, ca
Posts: 2
grateful for people responding to my posting
Thank you everyone who responded to my message about my son. I appreciate and need to hear everything you say, more than you know. My head tells me what I need to do, but my heart says differently. I cannot let him live with me, my new husband would never allow it. Just thinking of him "out there" really disturbs me but I know I cannot feed his addictiion. He is due to get out of prison in 2 weeks, while there developed
Sarcoidosis which can be fatal. That, along with his heart condition would certainly be my rock bottom, but who knows? My heart is with him day and night. I do again appreciate your well wanted and appreciated words. It helps a lot to know I am not alone. Thank you so much, 4 my son
Sarcoidosis which can be fatal. That, along with his heart condition would certainly be my rock bottom, but who knows? My heart is with him day and night. I do again appreciate your well wanted and appreciated words. It helps a lot to know I am not alone. Thank you so much, 4 my son
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi 4myson,
It has helped me entrust my ex BF to HP. And entrust HP my feelings too, my impotence.
I wish you all the best ((hugs)) you are doing the best for him, by not enabling him. And loving him from a safe distance FOR YOU. That's all you can do.
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it.
It has helped me entrust my ex BF to HP. And entrust HP my feelings too, my impotence.
I wish you all the best ((hugs)) you are doing the best for him, by not enabling him. And loving him from a safe distance FOR YOU. That's all you can do.
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya 4myson--
Glad you're back!
Have you ever considered trying AlAnon for yourself.
The first time I felt relief from the agonies of my alcoholic brothers was when I got into AlAnon. It really helped turn my head around and face the problem without so much harm to myself.
It is so tough what you're dealing with....
Here's the hotline for Sacremento-
Sacramento - Al-Anon Information Service 916-334-2970 - 916-334-2971
I cried through my first few meetings -- it was such a relief...and then as I listened, and took what I could and left the rest, and worked the program, things really did get better for me. Maybe try it!
good luck
peace,
b
Glad you're back!
Have you ever considered trying AlAnon for yourself.
The first time I felt relief from the agonies of my alcoholic brothers was when I got into AlAnon. It really helped turn my head around and face the problem without so much harm to myself.
It is so tough what you're dealing with....
Here's the hotline for Sacremento-
Sacramento - Al-Anon Information Service 916-334-2970 - 916-334-2971
I cried through my first few meetings -- it was such a relief...and then as I listened, and took what I could and left the rest, and worked the program, things really did get better for me. Maybe try it!
good luck
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hey sweetie...it's tough being the mother of an A. Someone said on this forum to me the other day....the mother stuff is NOT for weenies!
In theory, your son is old enough to take care of himself. My son is only 27 but I am trying to realize that anytime I help him, I am sending him the message that he is not capable of taking care of himself.
There is a time to let go and let God.
gentle hugs
In theory, your son is old enough to take care of himself. My son is only 27 but I am trying to realize that anytime I help him, I am sending him the message that he is not capable of taking care of himself.
There is a time to let go and let God.
gentle hugs
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