Feel like I just got sucker punched
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Feel like I just got sucker punched
I have had such a great week. I felt like I had really made progress and was getting to a place where I could make some sane decisions about getting out of my marriage. I've been asking God to show me the truth and I got it.
I was out of town overnight for a function for one of my kids (and I took them all). Anyway, I was talking to a friend about my suspicions that my AH is cheating, and so she went by my house last night around 10 and there was a car here. I asked AH who was over and he said no one. I listened to his messages tonight and there were 3 from a lady (and I use that term loosely) he works with. One talked about their plans to get together last night. Is this totally co-dependent? I feel like it was information that I had to have validated to get out. Cheating is my dealbreaker.
So what do I do now? I feel somewhere between beating the holy cr@p out of him and curling up and crying. Any words of wisdom from those that have been there? Is it best just to make the appointment with my attorney to file? Do I even need to bother giving him a chance to explain? Is there really an explanation why a married man would "meet up" with a female co-worker when his wife and 4 kids were out of town?
My friend says to go out, get a big box of trash bags, and start hauling stuff to the curb. She even offered to help. Right now I just want to be sick.....
I was out of town overnight for a function for one of my kids (and I took them all). Anyway, I was talking to a friend about my suspicions that my AH is cheating, and so she went by my house last night around 10 and there was a car here. I asked AH who was over and he said no one. I listened to his messages tonight and there were 3 from a lady (and I use that term loosely) he works with. One talked about their plans to get together last night. Is this totally co-dependent? I feel like it was information that I had to have validated to get out. Cheating is my dealbreaker.
So what do I do now? I feel somewhere between beating the holy cr@p out of him and curling up and crying. Any words of wisdom from those that have been there? Is it best just to make the appointment with my attorney to file? Do I even need to bother giving him a chance to explain? Is there really an explanation why a married man would "meet up" with a female co-worker when his wife and 4 kids were out of town?
My friend says to go out, get a big box of trash bags, and start hauling stuff to the curb. She even offered to help. Right now I just want to be sick.....
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Location: Bristol TN/VA
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Do you consider his lying about ??? getting together???? while you were out of town cheating???????
Oh, and I know that sick feeling and I am sorry you are going through this!
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Oh, and I know that sick feeling and I am sorry you are going through this!
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Well....I can't figure out why else he would have a female co-worker over when his family was out. He also called 4 times and said he was "checking on us" (and wanted to be sure we weren't coming home early due to weather).
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blessed, you know full well what went on in your absence.
It was 10:00pm, for heaven's sake. And he denies there was even anyone AT the house.
Get the ball rolling.
And I am so, so sorry. I remember when I first found out about the infidelity of someone who was pretending to be so honest. "He" also called me to check up on me, make sure I was well, tell me he loved me.
And that was about an hour before he was in bed with another woman. And when I found out, it was like someone had scooped out my insides with a melon baller.
That's my dealbreaker too....although I went back to him for more torture for an additional year, I wouldnt' recommend it. I'm so sorry about how you feel, but I know that in my case if it hadn't happened, I would still be stuck in that purgatory.
Big, big hugs to you my friend. You deserve better than this.
It was 10:00pm, for heaven's sake. And he denies there was even anyone AT the house.
Get the ball rolling.
And I am so, so sorry. I remember when I first found out about the infidelity of someone who was pretending to be so honest. "He" also called me to check up on me, make sure I was well, tell me he loved me.
And that was about an hour before he was in bed with another woman. And when I found out, it was like someone had scooped out my insides with a melon baller.
That's my dealbreaker too....although I went back to him for more torture for an additional year, I wouldnt' recommend it. I'm so sorry about how you feel, but I know that in my case if it hadn't happened, I would still be stuck in that purgatory.
Big, big hugs to you my friend. You deserve better than this.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Originally Posted by GiveLove 
. And when I found out, it was like someone had scooped out my insides with a melon baller.
As crazy as it sounds it helps to hear you say "you know what went on". Not that I should need it, but it is validating.
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(((((blessed4x)))))
Let this be your bottom for what you will tolerate from him - especially the next time he's conjuring that fog of doubt.
As for the sick feeling... Let yourself grieve. No words can make it go away. Only time. Call in your supports and hang in there. We're here rooting for you
Let this be your bottom for what you will tolerate from him - especially the next time he's conjuring that fog of doubt.
As for the sick feeling... Let yourself grieve. No words can make it go away. Only time. Call in your supports and hang in there. We're here rooting for you
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
If I could turn back the clock, blessed, I would NOT have confronted my X with his infidelity. I had the proof, I knew what had happened, when, where, with who, everything.
Because I confronted him, and because he was such a MASTER manipulator and raised a smokescreen of self-doubt, I sacrificed another year of my life (three or four years if you want to count the abuse and harrassment and stalking that followed) on his altar -- thousands of dollars and tears and wasted minutes later, I was finally free. I would like to have all of that back.
My point is that I KNEW what was true. Giving him a chance to lie, then manipulate, then apologize and beg and wheedle, was just my own fears kicking in. I WANTED him to do all of that because I was afraid of change. But it turned out to be awful beyond belief, and I would hate for you to have to go through that.
The right time will come for confrontations. You will know it, because you will feel strong in your shoes, and you will feel very different about him.
Hugs to you, my friend, to get through the next few days. Cry all you need to, and gather your support system around you tightly (I like your friend already...) You deserve a life that is peaceful and happy, and I don't think you'll ever have it with this lying, deceitful, manipulative man. And yes, that's just my opinion.
Because I confronted him, and because he was such a MASTER manipulator and raised a smokescreen of self-doubt, I sacrificed another year of my life (three or four years if you want to count the abuse and harrassment and stalking that followed) on his altar -- thousands of dollars and tears and wasted minutes later, I was finally free. I would like to have all of that back.
My point is that I KNEW what was true. Giving him a chance to lie, then manipulate, then apologize and beg and wheedle, was just my own fears kicking in. I WANTED him to do all of that because I was afraid of change. But it turned out to be awful beyond belief, and I would hate for you to have to go through that.
The right time will come for confrontations. You will know it, because you will feel strong in your shoes, and you will feel very different about him.
Hugs to you, my friend, to get through the next few days. Cry all you need to, and gather your support system around you tightly (I like your friend already...) You deserve a life that is peaceful and happy, and I don't think you'll ever have it with this lying, deceitful, manipulative man. And yes, that's just my opinion.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
If nothing else, consider the fact that he may bring something - like a disease - into your home that he isn't going to be able to b******t his way out of.
I will be thinking of you today and praying for strength on your behalf.
I will be thinking of you today and praying for strength on your behalf.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
(((blessed)))
I'm sorry you are going through this. Trust your gut.. it is rarely wrong in these situations and far more reliable a barometer than the A.
If I were you and I thought my SO had committed a dealbreaker like infidelity.. I would not confront him... I would just give him his marching orders and change the locks. I'd get myself the tools I need to make decisions (e.g. legal advice etc.) and some space to think and decide what I wanted to do. Then and only then would I entertain discussing anything with him.
Even if it turns out he hasn't been unfaithful, I'd be listening to my gut on the lack of trust in the relationship and still asking myself whether this is a man I would want to spend the rest of my life with.
I will be thinking of you today and wishing you well. :ghug
I'm sorry you are going through this. Trust your gut.. it is rarely wrong in these situations and far more reliable a barometer than the A.
If I were you and I thought my SO had committed a dealbreaker like infidelity.. I would not confront him... I would just give him his marching orders and change the locks. I'd get myself the tools I need to make decisions (e.g. legal advice etc.) and some space to think and decide what I wanted to do. Then and only then would I entertain discussing anything with him.
Even if it turns out he hasn't been unfaithful, I'd be listening to my gut on the lack of trust in the relationship and still asking myself whether this is a man I would want to spend the rest of my life with.
I will be thinking of you today and wishing you well. :ghug
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
(((blessed)))
sorry friend that you are in pain.
re confronting him, would you believe what he said if he denied any infidelity? and if he admitted it, would that make you feel better?
I think you are already pretty sure what he'd say, and that would just leave you confused, not trusting him, but not trusting your gut, and the evidence either.
:ghug2
sorry friend that you are in pain.
re confronting him, would you believe what he said if he denied any infidelity? and if he admitted it, would that make you feel better?
I think you are already pretty sure what he'd say, and that would just leave you confused, not trusting him, but not trusting your gut, and the evidence either.
:ghug2
Last edited by JenT1968; 03-29-2009 at 06:21 AM. Reason: shamefully poor grammar and spelling :(
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I'm so sorry for your pain and understand it all too well. My ex-H cheated on me with one of his music students.....on top of all of that, he started being really critical of me when all this was going on. I guess he thought he needed to validate his cheating by casting me in a bad light somehow. It is the most gut-wrenching emotional pain I have experienced, and the flood of various emotions that followed was numbing and confusing.
Just know that he made his decision and now you get to make yours. You are worthy of love and respect!!! Please be kind to yourself and know you are a valuable and loveable woman!!! Hugs and prayers, HG
Just know that he made his decision and now you get to make yours. You are worthy of love and respect!!! Please be kind to yourself and know you are a valuable and loveable woman!!! Hugs and prayers, HG
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
.....so HP sends a freight train.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Okay, so when I found out my EXAH was passed out in front of the computer, he was chatting with his girls friend on line, I got to read everything. At first my heart sank, then anger, I kicked him rel hard, he worke up started screaming, punching walls in front of our kids and my girlfriends kids.
I didn't give him the chance to pack I threw him out right then and there.
Now it has been a struggle but I'm doing fine, and my kids are good too.
So I guess you can say I'm on the same page as your friend, He needs to go.
We love you here!
Kermie
I didn't give him the chance to pack I threw him out right then and there.
Now it has been a struggle but I'm doing fine, and my kids are good too.
So I guess you can say I'm on the same page as your friend, He needs to go.
We love you here!
Kermie
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by GiveLove
If I could turn back the clock, blessed, I would NOT have confronted my X with his infidelity. I had the proof, I knew what had happened, when, where, with who, everything.
Because I confronted him, and because he was such a MASTER manipulator and raised a smokescreen of self-doubt, I sacrificed another year of my life (three or four years if you want to count the abuse and harrassment and stalking that followed) on his altar -- thousands of dollars and tears and wasted minutes later, I was finally free. I would like to have all of that back.
My point is that I KNEW what was true. Giving him a chance to lie, then manipulate, then apologize and beg and wheedle, was just my own fears kicking in. I WANTED him to do all of that because I was afraid of change. But it turned out to be awful beyond belief, and I would hate for you to have to go through that.
The right time will come for confrontations. You will know it, because you will feel strong in your shoes, and you will feel very different about him.
Hugs to you, my friend, to get through the next few days. Cry all you need to, and gather your support system around you tightly (I like your friend already...) You deserve a life that is peaceful and happy, and I don't think you'll ever have it with this lying, deceitful, manipulative man. And yes, that's just my opinion.
Because I confronted him, and because he was such a MASTER manipulator and raised a smokescreen of self-doubt, I sacrificed another year of my life (three or four years if you want to count the abuse and harrassment and stalking that followed) on his altar -- thousands of dollars and tears and wasted minutes later, I was finally free. I would like to have all of that back.
My point is that I KNEW what was true. Giving him a chance to lie, then manipulate, then apologize and beg and wheedle, was just my own fears kicking in. I WANTED him to do all of that because I was afraid of change. But it turned out to be awful beyond belief, and I would hate for you to have to go through that.
The right time will come for confrontations. You will know it, because you will feel strong in your shoes, and you will feel very different about him.
Hugs to you, my friend, to get through the next few days. Cry all you need to, and gather your support system around you tightly (I like your friend already...) You deserve a life that is peaceful and happy, and I don't think you'll ever have it with this lying, deceitful, manipulative man. And yes, that's just my opinion.
She denied it to the end
She actually made me doubt what I saw....with my own two eyes.
I would leave her, she would beg me to come back, it would all begin again.
When I finally left, she had nothing to do with that decision, if that makes sense, no confrontation, I was actually pretty gentle, just,
"I have to go, this situation is an unhealthy one for me."
I was "done" with the confrontations and the fighting, nothing was ever solved, and she never "saw" me anyway, you know? It was always all about her.
I tried "explaining" for nearly two years, and she never did get it.
I am so sorry.
I know how much it hurts.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
I am a firm believer that when the student is ready the teacher appears and that sometimes my HP had to send a freight train cause I just wouldn't listen.
My freight train was inidelity too, and I did confront and was further manipulated for an additional year. I did manage to throw him out the day I found out about the affair...he snuck back in a few months later while the kids and I were visiting my family who were giving me support. He again "stayed out all night" 8 months after that, and that time I did manage to bag up all his stuff and put it outside. I will never forget the look on his face because he thought I would forever tolerate his BS.
I wish I could have tossed him the first time for good, but for me it was a process. I thoroughly damaged my ability to trust myself and trust my gut and realize I am a good woman, I deserve respect, I KNOW what I know. I just had to reach my own personal bottom. Once that happened I have been making overall steady progress to a healthy self (with a few slips ). Was it easy? HELL NO! Has it been worth it? A million times over.
We are here for you Blessed, and I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing.
My freight train was inidelity too, and I did confront and was further manipulated for an additional year. I did manage to throw him out the day I found out about the affair...he snuck back in a few months later while the kids and I were visiting my family who were giving me support. He again "stayed out all night" 8 months after that, and that time I did manage to bag up all his stuff and put it outside. I will never forget the look on his face because he thought I would forever tolerate his BS.
I wish I could have tossed him the first time for good, but for me it was a process. I thoroughly damaged my ability to trust myself and trust my gut and realize I am a good woman, I deserve respect, I KNOW what I know. I just had to reach my own personal bottom. Once that happened I have been making overall steady progress to a healthy self (with a few slips ). Was it easy? HELL NO! Has it been worth it? A million times over.
We are here for you Blessed, and I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 119
Originally Posted by Chrysalis123
I am a firm believer that when the student is ready the teacher appears and that sometimes my HP had to send a freight train cause I just wouldn't listen.
The one thing that I am now able to face is that his first and only love is alcohol. Everything and everyone will always come second to his addiction.
:ghug3 to you!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: corpus christi, tx
Posts: 211
((Blessed))
BTDT more than once LOL!
And isn't it funny how women can form groups to stop drunk drivers, support breast cancer victims,start womens shelters, and yet for some, all that supposed love toward and for other women, they don't have the guts to say No Thanks, Your Married!
Not saying that the blame lies on anyone else's head except your husbands but I like to think that there would be less cheating if those words were said.
As for me I believe in God's gonna get ya! So trust your gut and take care of you, and leave him to the Big Guy.
Linda
BTDT more than once LOL!
And isn't it funny how women can form groups to stop drunk drivers, support breast cancer victims,start womens shelters, and yet for some, all that supposed love toward and for other women, they don't have the guts to say No Thanks, Your Married!
Not saying that the blame lies on anyone else's head except your husbands but I like to think that there would be less cheating if those words were said.
As for me I believe in God's gonna get ya! So trust your gut and take care of you, and leave him to the Big Guy.
Linda
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