Tough week
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Tough week
Background: I am separated from my AH. He took his personal belongings out on the 11th. I was home alone for several days this past weekend as my children were out of town. I worked most days, but was home alone Sunday. I survived. I have started to do my yoga/pilates dvd again and have kept it up daily.
I went to two more alanon meetings this past week. Different meetings at different locations. I liked them both. I have borrowed two books and purchased one. I even stayed after the last meeting to chat with someone who has been married to an alcoholic. And, I have phone numbers!
This past Tuesday, I experienced ANGER from hell. Crazy Anger! Yelling and screaming and crying anger! I was home alone (cat and dog count?) As mad as I wanted to be at him, I was still just as mad at me! Stupid, stupid, stupid things I have done, things he has done that I over looked. Anyway, I needed that and the next step I took was very cleansing! I purged my home of alcohol! Now the environmentalist will have to skip this next part, or forgive me, please. We had litres, half gallons, pints, fifths of vodka, rum, tequila, whiskey, cordials, etc ....still in the cabinet. We have a septic tank, so I did not want to put them down the sink, and did not want them breaking from all the weight in the trash. So, I used them as weed control on my back fence! My dog tried to lick up the Baileys!
Next I tackled the fridge in the garage and about 1 1/2 cases of beer. Fertilizer for my flower beds! This yard smelt like a distillery! I felt relief.
Wednesday, was tough. My heart was breaking. There is no communication between us, other than an occasional e-mail about bills.
Thursday, I'm still down. I realized he had been gone a week and he had not called our daughter to check on her (still hasn't) I was sick inside. I hurt. I almost lost it at work. I wanted to sit on the floor and cry. My sister left me a nice message on my phone and I called a friend after work. My friend had some good advise for me. Try to realize that as bad as this feels it could be worse. How? I might not be communicating with him but it could be because he was in a hospital unable to talk, and I agreed that it could be worse if he were in jail from committing DUI homicide. It sounds crazy, but I found comfort in knowing it was not as bad as that!
Both my sis and friend reminded me of the emotions I will be experiencing: anger, guilt, fear, sorrow, mourning. My friend asked me to call her if I ever get stuck in one of these feelings and she will help me get unstuck. I was laughing and crying when I said:
Oh yeah! I don't want to miss out on the roller coaster ride of emotions and get stuck in anger when I could spend my time in sorrow!! And then I sighed with joy! It's okay! I am thankful for the strength to feel all of my emotions, feel them all, instead of drowning them out with alcohol! It is painful, but I am growing! This is progress, not perfection! A slogan realized!
Today was a better day. One day at a time. Thank you all for your support. I have been reading here daily, but not always posting. I am cautious because he knows I frequent this site and he knows my id.
I want to thank anvilhead for this nugget of wisdom that is on a notecard on my mirror now. I have been struggling with my feelings of loss and sorrow and I do not want to go back into the same old, same old, out of fear and loneliness. I know I want more for myself and my children. This is what Anvilhead posted on someones thread earlier this week:
"I want someone who is open, honest, forthright and treats me with respect as a full-fledged partner in life"
One day at a time....
I went to two more alanon meetings this past week. Different meetings at different locations. I liked them both. I have borrowed two books and purchased one. I even stayed after the last meeting to chat with someone who has been married to an alcoholic. And, I have phone numbers!
This past Tuesday, I experienced ANGER from hell. Crazy Anger! Yelling and screaming and crying anger! I was home alone (cat and dog count?) As mad as I wanted to be at him, I was still just as mad at me! Stupid, stupid, stupid things I have done, things he has done that I over looked. Anyway, I needed that and the next step I took was very cleansing! I purged my home of alcohol! Now the environmentalist will have to skip this next part, or forgive me, please. We had litres, half gallons, pints, fifths of vodka, rum, tequila, whiskey, cordials, etc ....still in the cabinet. We have a septic tank, so I did not want to put them down the sink, and did not want them breaking from all the weight in the trash. So, I used them as weed control on my back fence! My dog tried to lick up the Baileys!
Next I tackled the fridge in the garage and about 1 1/2 cases of beer. Fertilizer for my flower beds! This yard smelt like a distillery! I felt relief.
Wednesday, was tough. My heart was breaking. There is no communication between us, other than an occasional e-mail about bills.
Thursday, I'm still down. I realized he had been gone a week and he had not called our daughter to check on her (still hasn't) I was sick inside. I hurt. I almost lost it at work. I wanted to sit on the floor and cry. My sister left me a nice message on my phone and I called a friend after work. My friend had some good advise for me. Try to realize that as bad as this feels it could be worse. How? I might not be communicating with him but it could be because he was in a hospital unable to talk, and I agreed that it could be worse if he were in jail from committing DUI homicide. It sounds crazy, but I found comfort in knowing it was not as bad as that!
Both my sis and friend reminded me of the emotions I will be experiencing: anger, guilt, fear, sorrow, mourning. My friend asked me to call her if I ever get stuck in one of these feelings and she will help me get unstuck. I was laughing and crying when I said:
Oh yeah! I don't want to miss out on the roller coaster ride of emotions and get stuck in anger when I could spend my time in sorrow!! And then I sighed with joy! It's okay! I am thankful for the strength to feel all of my emotions, feel them all, instead of drowning them out with alcohol! It is painful, but I am growing! This is progress, not perfection! A slogan realized!
Today was a better day. One day at a time. Thank you all for your support. I have been reading here daily, but not always posting. I am cautious because he knows I frequent this site and he knows my id.
I want to thank anvilhead for this nugget of wisdom that is on a notecard on my mirror now. I have been struggling with my feelings of loss and sorrow and I do not want to go back into the same old, same old, out of fear and loneliness. I know I want more for myself and my children. This is what Anvilhead posted on someones thread earlier this week:
"I want someone who is open, honest, forthright and treats me with respect as a full-fledged partner in life"
One day at a time....
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Sounds like you are doing great!!! The meetings work!!!
You have a great support system. It does get easier! I promise.
My AH hasn't called the kids in like a week. That is his choice not mine....I cannot control that.
You have a great support system. It does get easier! I promise.
My AH hasn't called the kids in like a week. That is his choice not mine....I cannot control that.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
I liked the part where you "watered" the yard with the booze!
That totally sounds like a scene from a movie!
Big hugs to you, Pelican. There are bound to be tough days and weeks, but you're moving forward and that can only bring you to a better, brighter place than where you've been.
Keep marching, keep crying, and, if you find any more liquor, keep watering the yard!
-TC
That totally sounds like a scene from a movie!
Big hugs to you, Pelican. There are bound to be tough days and weeks, but you're moving forward and that can only bring you to a better, brighter place than where you've been.
Keep marching, keep crying, and, if you find any more liquor, keep watering the yard!
-TC
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
I was thrown out of the house by my A ex, and the trauma of it all was debilitating for months and months. The last year has been kind of a fog really. I've had a select group of friends who never wavered in their support for me, and they've been tremendously helpful. And SR has been a godsend. Keep feeling the feelings, whatever they are, and when it gets too overwhelming, call a support person. It will get better; just do your best to get through until it does.
One of the first things I did was start exercising again like I had done years ago, and that has been very helpful in helping me reconnect to ME. 15 years ago I was living alone and happy -- I find myself moving to re-embrace that life again. It's hard, because I'm having to grieve through hurt and loss on the way, but I am going there no matter what. The house I'm renting still looks like the day I moved in, and it doesn't feel like home. I allowed myself to get far from home inside me; my journey back is a roller coaster of emotions both up and down. I feel a tiny bit of the old me returning every day.
Good for you in taking actions to support YOU. Please keep posting and let know how you are doing.
One of the first things I did was start exercising again like I had done years ago, and that has been very helpful in helping me reconnect to ME. 15 years ago I was living alone and happy -- I find myself moving to re-embrace that life again. It's hard, because I'm having to grieve through hurt and loss on the way, but I am going there no matter what. The house I'm renting still looks like the day I moved in, and it doesn't feel like home. I allowed myself to get far from home inside me; my journey back is a roller coaster of emotions both up and down. I feel a tiny bit of the old me returning every day.
Good for you in taking actions to support YOU. Please keep posting and let know how you are doing.
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thanks everyone!
I worked all weekend and that kept me distracted. I got to work early today and had time to read a few passages in the books I got from Alanon. This resonated with me today:
"I'll trust the emptiness I feel is because my HP has left some room for my true self to develop."
I worked all weekend and that kept me distracted. I got to work early today and had time to read a few passages in the books I got from Alanon. This resonated with me today:
"I'll trust the emptiness I feel is because my HP has left some room for my true self to develop."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
That is very true, pelican.
You don't create a new work of art by starting with a canvas that's already full. You start with the blank, empty, scary one
And then day by day, you paint in one small thing that is beautiful and true about yourself, and protect it (your self-love) with your life. This is how great and joyous lives are built.
Hugs to you - such hard work you're doing!!
You don't create a new work of art by starting with a canvas that's already full. You start with the blank, empty, scary one
And then day by day, you paint in one small thing that is beautiful and true about yourself, and protect it (your self-love) with your life. This is how great and joyous lives are built.
Hugs to you - such hard work you're doing!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 24
Givelove- thank you for what you said about the canvas- I needed that! Pelican, every day is different and some days are sure harder than others but keep reminding yourself everyday that YOU DESERVE better! I am in the process of creating a board with all the things I want out of life and a relationship- with pictures and words to remind myself everyday that I am worth more than what my AEXH and AEXB could ever give me! It is a daily struggle- hang in there and keep reading here, it has helped me out so much!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
Pelican, you are so strong, even though you might not feel it sometimes.
I have come and gone four times, never with enough strength to sustain it for long. The only lesson learned was that I was weak and easily suckered.
It is wonderful that you have meetings to go to. They fill up the empty hole inside of me, and I know that if I ever decide to leave again, I will have resources that know no bounds because of Al-Anon and SR.
You are brave, and I am proud of you.
I have come and gone four times, never with enough strength to sustain it for long. The only lesson learned was that I was weak and easily suckered.
It is wonderful that you have meetings to go to. They fill up the empty hole inside of me, and I know that if I ever decide to leave again, I will have resources that know no bounds because of Al-Anon and SR.
You are brave, and I am proud of you.
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