justaboutus

There have been MANY changes in my husband in the past month, and now I want to be hopeful, but I know better. Here's the facts:

He is looking for a job, but he's only sent out three resumes in the past three weeks. I think this is weak. He initiated marriage counseling and is following through. He spent the entire hour telling us how he COULDN'T be an A because then I'd leave him - I've actually already left. However, he said he went to AA but isn't sure he should discuss it with me - I don't like that. Is this typical? He says he's not drinking, but I have no proof of that. His attitude has improved slightly.

I feel like this is the bare minimum to keep me from filing.

Freedom1990

Let's see. It takes me 5 minutes to print out a resume, stamp it, and drive it to the outside drop box at the post office.

At 3 resumes in three weeks, that's a total of 15 minutes out of 30,240 minutes he put forth 'effort' in seeking employment, give or take a few for a longer drive to mail out resumes.

He wasted an hour of marriage counseling denying he's an alcoholic.

He 'said' he went to AA.

I don't see MANY changes, and I sure don't see anything that even qualifies as bare minimum to be honest.

So what's your next step?

blessed4x

You sound like you have a good gut instinct, but (like me) are questioning it. Self-doubt is a big obstacle in our recovery, isn't it? I keep hoping for the best, expecting the worst, and re-focusing on the only thing I really have control over....myself. You are doing great, and it is so good to see you posting again!

Barbara52

When were you going to include the many changes part?

I think it's beyong weak. It no activity at all. When I was facing layoff, I put out an average of 5-10 per day and was on the phone following up too. If I were already unemployed, I would be out there pounding the streets every day to find a job, any job, to pay the bills. So yeah, pretty danged weak to strain himself to send out 3 resumes in 3 weeks.


So counselling based on lies. Yippee! That is going to help you so much indeed!

As Freedom said, this doesn't even count as the bare minimum. It's nothing.

sailorjohn

You said it all, I know from personal experiences how we let ourselves get sucked in with nice words and ignore the obvious signs that little has actually changed with the addict.

And we keep lowering our bare minimums in the process. My thoughts go out to you.

justaboutus

He is doing some other stuff, but it's just more of the same. Half hearted attempts at reconciliation, attempting to be a good Dad (only while I'm watching), etc., etc. I just don't feel like going through it all because I have a life (thus the little amount of time I have to spend on here), unlike him... who has no life/job/future.

You guys are right. For some reason I forget that I deserve so much better. I'm all tied up in him being my husband, my daughter's father... and I forget what a PAIN he is to live with. Living with a recovering alcoholic is tough (**if** he is in recovery). I just don't think he's worth it. He'd have to be pretty perfect and he's SO far from that... I just can't see it happening.

blessed4x

(((((hugs))))) Take care of you. It sounds like you are a little blue under all of your stoic exterior.

tiburon88

It seems like he is putting forth at least some effort.


tib

bookwyrm

Yeah, just enough to keep you doubting yourself and hooked in. Have a read at one of the stickies, you might find it useful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

:ghug3

Barbara52

Not as I see it.

laurie6781

Not as I see it. As long as I have been in continuous recovery and as many as I have worked with, both those recovering from alcoholism and/or drug addiction ................... that is a placebo.

Working on one's recovery is an ALL OUT 24/7 effort for the rest of one's life. Those that I have seen 'make it' are those that give it their all.

What was described here is 'same old, same old' doing just enough in the hopes that partner will get off their back.

The only effort being put forth is too keep his 'cushy, soft' living arrangements ongoing.

(((((Justaboutus))))) you are doing good in seeing those 'efforts' for what they are .................................... more QUACKING.

Keep moving forward, we are here for you.

Love and hugs,

atalose

Trust your instinct…………

Have you issues an ultimatum to him? It sounds like he is acting on an ultimatum doing the bare minimal to keep something from happening.

Have you thought past your ultimatum?

hadenoughnow

Yep that sounds about right to me