If he quits drinking, will I be happy??
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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If he quits drinking, will I be happy??
AH has said he will quit drinking IF it will make our marriage better.
He hasn't drank for 14 days. This is normal for him. He is a binge drinker and drinks usually every 2-3 weeks, sometimes more, sometimes less.
He has said many times that he planned to quit drinking. He never does. His plan to quit means nothing to me until I see it with my own eyes that he is done. I am not holding my breath.
Here his how my day went yesterday:
I worked from 7:30-noon. AH watched the kids. When I got home, all 4 kids were hungry, thirsty, and just begging for attention. They said Dad was ignoring them and kept telling them to be quiet or to wait for Mom. So, when I got home I fed them lunch. Then we watched Madagascar 2 (which is really cute, by the way). After that we sat at the table and did some coloring while I helped my son work on a school project. This entire time, my AH sat in his recliner and stared at the tv, into space, pretended to be studying, etc. He then moved to the floor and turned on the laptop and played Hangman. I then took a bath, during which time he decided to come in the bathroom and harrass me asking me if I had made a decision as to whether I am willing to work on our marriage or get divorced. (see my previous posts for more on this).
Now, I was already really frustrated with his lack of participation in anything to do with me or the kids. The timing of his question really made me start thinking.
I got out of the tub and got the 4 kiddos ready for bed, teeth brushed, etc, all while he is once again playing Hangman.
As I laid in bed last night, it hit me. Would our marriage be happy, good, the marriage that I want, if AH quit drinking??
He is argumentative, self-centered, immature, child-like, manipulative, ANGRY, mean, and not that great of a Dad, IMO. Is this someone I want to spend my life with?? Will removing the alcohol remove all of these other flaws?
So, does anyone out there have any insight? He did not have these traits years ago. They have developed over the years as his drinking has. Can these traits be a symptom of alcoholism? Is there any hope that these traits will subside as he addresses his alcoholism? And like I said earlier, I am not holding my breath. It is very unlikely that he will quit other than just long enough to reel me in again. He is just so angry when he is not drinking. I know the only reason he doesn't drink in between binges is to attempt to keep the marriage intact. But I also think that he is angry with me because in his mind I am controlling him.
Sorry for the rambling, but I am really struggling with this thought today..
He hasn't drank for 14 days. This is normal for him. He is a binge drinker and drinks usually every 2-3 weeks, sometimes more, sometimes less.
He has said many times that he planned to quit drinking. He never does. His plan to quit means nothing to me until I see it with my own eyes that he is done. I am not holding my breath.
Here his how my day went yesterday:
I worked from 7:30-noon. AH watched the kids. When I got home, all 4 kids were hungry, thirsty, and just begging for attention. They said Dad was ignoring them and kept telling them to be quiet or to wait for Mom. So, when I got home I fed them lunch. Then we watched Madagascar 2 (which is really cute, by the way). After that we sat at the table and did some coloring while I helped my son work on a school project. This entire time, my AH sat in his recliner and stared at the tv, into space, pretended to be studying, etc. He then moved to the floor and turned on the laptop and played Hangman. I then took a bath, during which time he decided to come in the bathroom and harrass me asking me if I had made a decision as to whether I am willing to work on our marriage or get divorced. (see my previous posts for more on this).
Now, I was already really frustrated with his lack of participation in anything to do with me or the kids. The timing of his question really made me start thinking.
I got out of the tub and got the 4 kiddos ready for bed, teeth brushed, etc, all while he is once again playing Hangman.
As I laid in bed last night, it hit me. Would our marriage be happy, good, the marriage that I want, if AH quit drinking??
He is argumentative, self-centered, immature, child-like, manipulative, ANGRY, mean, and not that great of a Dad, IMO. Is this someone I want to spend my life with?? Will removing the alcohol remove all of these other flaws?
So, does anyone out there have any insight? He did not have these traits years ago. They have developed over the years as his drinking has. Can these traits be a symptom of alcoholism? Is there any hope that these traits will subside as he addresses his alcoholism? And like I said earlier, I am not holding my breath. It is very unlikely that he will quit other than just long enough to reel me in again. He is just so angry when he is not drinking. I know the only reason he doesn't drink in between binges is to attempt to keep the marriage intact. But I also think that he is angry with me because in his mind I am controlling him.
Sorry for the rambling, but I am really struggling with this thought today..
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hugs to you, squirrel.
You can't know the answers to all of these questions from where you're standing. You DO know that the drinking is a deal-breaker, and so if he's trying to get out of this by putting all the responsibility on you ("I'll stop drinking if you'll be a good little wifey") then I'd be a little irritated with this too.
All you can do is work through your feelings, perhaps with a counselor, and make these choices for yourself. They're hard choices -- when two people have changed, and there's a mutual feeling that the other isn't holding up their end of the bargain (whatever version of "the bargain" lives in their minds) you can either try to work it through, maybe with couples counseling, or you can decide to free each other to find whatever you're each looking for.
That's why people here push counseling at times.....to answer the questions you're asking now for yourself. Because you're the only one who really knows what you're willing to settle for in the next few decades of life here.
This is a hero's journey you're on, squirrel, finding your way back to your own best life. You can ask for feedback, but ultimately you'll have to find the strength to do what's best for you and for the kids. I know that if my husband ever turns into the husband you describe here, I love him like crazy but I'd have to leave......but that's just me. (I have a very strong need for mutual respect and personal responsibility in all of my relationships)
Hang in there
You can't know the answers to all of these questions from where you're standing. You DO know that the drinking is a deal-breaker, and so if he's trying to get out of this by putting all the responsibility on you ("I'll stop drinking if you'll be a good little wifey") then I'd be a little irritated with this too.
All you can do is work through your feelings, perhaps with a counselor, and make these choices for yourself. They're hard choices -- when two people have changed, and there's a mutual feeling that the other isn't holding up their end of the bargain (whatever version of "the bargain" lives in their minds) you can either try to work it through, maybe with couples counseling, or you can decide to free each other to find whatever you're each looking for.
That's why people here push counseling at times.....to answer the questions you're asking now for yourself. Because you're the only one who really knows what you're willing to settle for in the next few decades of life here.
This is a hero's journey you're on, squirrel, finding your way back to your own best life. You can ask for feedback, but ultimately you'll have to find the strength to do what's best for you and for the kids. I know that if my husband ever turns into the husband you describe here, I love him like crazy but I'd have to leave......but that's just me. (I have a very strong need for mutual respect and personal responsibility in all of my relationships)
Hang in there
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
It's a good thought to be struggling with squirrel!! Not easy but I think you'll discover a lot. (((((hugs)))))
I learned in AlAnon that alcohol is not the only thing that makes the alcoholic who they are. If they are selfish, distracted, undisciplined - I can't just blame the alcohol - and if I do then I am setting myself up for some seriously unhealthy expectations of what sobriety might bring to my A brothers and to our relationship.
In this same way I can't blame the alcoholic for all of MY problems either! That's why on this forum when spouses especially start asking what should I do - the answer is always - get off the alcoholic's back and get busy fixing yourself. The alcoholic is not YOUR problem! It doesn't mean, separate, divorce, or anything- it means - get busy fixing numero uno and more will be revealed!!!
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why my exH was angry with me too. I spent too much time doing that and trying to alter my responses so he would understand- so he might finally GET why it is the right thing for him to be awake rather than asleep when the kids are awake! Why it is right for him to turn off the computer and be the DAD! Why this or that is the right thing.
Painfully, eventually, I ACCEPTED that my way was only my way and he had a right to do/see things his way. He had a right to be pissed off by everything I said. He had a right to feel controlled by my demands that he change. I had to work hard on accepting who he REALLY was - right there in front of me - never going to be what I wished he was, or what I thought he could be. As soon as I accepted him 100% - more was revealed and I knew what I WANTED to do - how I wanted to change...and after all I am the only person I can change!!
AlAnon and therapy were a big help. It's a process squirrel- you're doing good- just keep going one day at a time and work on accepting him as he is - keep shining the light in your own darkest corners - not his!!
peace,
b
I learned in AlAnon that alcohol is not the only thing that makes the alcoholic who they are. If they are selfish, distracted, undisciplined - I can't just blame the alcohol - and if I do then I am setting myself up for some seriously unhealthy expectations of what sobriety might bring to my A brothers and to our relationship.
In this same way I can't blame the alcoholic for all of MY problems either! That's why on this forum when spouses especially start asking what should I do - the answer is always - get off the alcoholic's back and get busy fixing yourself. The alcoholic is not YOUR problem! It doesn't mean, separate, divorce, or anything- it means - get busy fixing numero uno and more will be revealed!!!
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why my exH was angry with me too. I spent too much time doing that and trying to alter my responses so he would understand- so he might finally GET why it is the right thing for him to be awake rather than asleep when the kids are awake! Why it is right for him to turn off the computer and be the DAD! Why this or that is the right thing.
Painfully, eventually, I ACCEPTED that my way was only my way and he had a right to do/see things his way. He had a right to be pissed off by everything I said. He had a right to feel controlled by my demands that he change. I had to work hard on accepting who he REALLY was - right there in front of me - never going to be what I wished he was, or what I thought he could be. As soon as I accepted him 100% - more was revealed and I knew what I WANTED to do - how I wanted to change...and after all I am the only person I can change!!
AlAnon and therapy were a big help. It's a process squirrel- you're doing good- just keep going one day at a time and work on accepting him as he is - keep shining the light in your own darkest corners - not his!!
peace,
b
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
I can understand where you are coming from! My hubby is just like what you wrote:
"He is argumentative, self-centered, immature, child-like, manipulative, ANGRY, mean, and not that great of a Dad, IMO."
And you say it has gotten worse.
Something someone told me last week that I really didn't like hearing. That "I" have a part in this situation. That it has gotten worse because I have made room for it to grow - by allowing it around me and not setting boundaries. If I hang around this kind of attitude then I am responsible for it affecting me and the family.
So I challenge you like someone has challeneged me...What are YOU going to do differently?
Best of Luck to you!
"He is argumentative, self-centered, immature, child-like, manipulative, ANGRY, mean, and not that great of a Dad, IMO."
And you say it has gotten worse.
Something someone told me last week that I really didn't like hearing. That "I" have a part in this situation. That it has gotten worse because I have made room for it to grow - by allowing it around me and not setting boundaries. If I hang around this kind of attitude then I am responsible for it affecting me and the family.
So I challenge you like someone has challeneged me...What are YOU going to do differently?
Best of Luck to you!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Sillysquirrel, I can relate! Yours was the first post that caught my eye today and of course, some higher power working because I felt very much the same this weekend. Yesterday he spent the pretty much the whole day at the computer desk. He is a software developer and we recently set up our computer in my parents house so he's occupied himself with that. I had to ask him a few times to do x or y in relation to our 15 month old (i.e can you watch her while I go to the basement to get the laundry). While I made dinner, she played with her granddad. I was sad that her own dad wouldn't play with her. She ran over to me once and I said 'go see your dad who is ignoring you' and then later when I asked for him to get her ready for bed, I walked by the computer and saw his work stuff. I asked him if he was working, and he said he was just trying a few things. I couldn't help it - I said 'you work 5 days a week (and usually totally misses her - she's in bed by the time he gets home) and during your short time off you're doing that instead of spending time with her'.
He says he wants our marriage and our family (he's sober 1.5 months) but it seems only in small doses. And it also bugs me that when he is with her (i.e he gets up with her saturdays), they watch tv, or she plays while he's on the laptop.
But for my AH, he's not ill-tempered or self-centred per se. It's more like he's a kid who 'has' to babysit his baby sister for a time, and when mommy is back, he's back to his fun stuff. So even though it's a bit different, I feel the same as you. I want a father for her, and a husband for me. I'm not sure he'll ever be able to provide that.
He says he wants our marriage and our family (he's sober 1.5 months) but it seems only in small doses. And it also bugs me that when he is with her (i.e he gets up with her saturdays), they watch tv, or she plays while he's on the laptop.
But for my AH, he's not ill-tempered or self-centred per se. It's more like he's a kid who 'has' to babysit his baby sister for a time, and when mommy is back, he's back to his fun stuff. So even though it's a bit different, I feel the same as you. I want a father for her, and a husband for me. I'm not sure he'll ever be able to provide that.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
I've been in the very position you're in now, mine quit drinking for about 18 months at one point. Cold turkey, didn't touch a drop...at least not in front of me anyway and if he did he kept it hidden to friend's houses and such.
Our marriage did not get any better. He didn't play with the kids any more, he was still self-obsessed, manipulative and if the timing fit he played the "I'm a great hubby card". During this time our son almost died because he wasn't watching him.
We ended up splitting, got back together(yep codie in me, guess I panicked about being alone) and things are still the same. Only he's drinking again and he won't quit he says because that didn't fix anything the other time he quit.
What I've learned is that while alcohol does alter the personality, it makes a bad situation worse. Alcohol is something we can point at and say "AHA!!!!! There's THE problem." True, it's a problem, but definately not the only problem.
If he truly quit forever today, do you think you could accept him? Would his other traits that you're not happy with be acceptable? Will you be able to deal with the little triggers that once set you off? A smell? A certain expression? An attitude? The sight of him within reach of another beer? Are you going to be forever waiting for him to start drinking again?
If you answered yes, can you live your life happily?
Our marriage did not get any better. He didn't play with the kids any more, he was still self-obsessed, manipulative and if the timing fit he played the "I'm a great hubby card". During this time our son almost died because he wasn't watching him.
We ended up splitting, got back together(yep codie in me, guess I panicked about being alone) and things are still the same. Only he's drinking again and he won't quit he says because that didn't fix anything the other time he quit.
What I've learned is that while alcohol does alter the personality, it makes a bad situation worse. Alcohol is something we can point at and say "AHA!!!!! There's THE problem." True, it's a problem, but definately not the only problem.
If he truly quit forever today, do you think you could accept him? Would his other traits that you're not happy with be acceptable? Will you be able to deal with the little triggers that once set you off? A smell? A certain expression? An attitude? The sight of him within reach of another beer? Are you going to be forever waiting for him to start drinking again?
If you answered yes, can you live your life happily?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Here's the deal for me, and from the perspective as a recovering alcoholic, that is, someone who actively works a program of recovery. When I got clean and sober, I did not return to the person I was before the drugs and alcohol.
I would not want to return to that person because that person was full of pain, resentment, self-hatred, and fear.
I have yet to meet someone who got into recovery and returned to who they were 'before'. It's just not possible.
However, I am a better person because each day I strive to work on my character defects, and to live life on life's terms.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and that doesn't just mean the drinking. That includes all the crappy attitudes/thinking that goes along with it. Take away the alcohol with no true recovery, and you've got one miserable 'dry' person.
Your AH is still coming from a place of supposedly 'quitting' drinking for the sake of the marriage. That's shaky at best. We alcoholics must hit a bottom and find recovery for ourselves, or recovery is fleeting at best.
Guaranteed, even if he manages to go past his usual 'dry' spell and not drink, the first time he gets pissed off about something, he will drink and throw it in your face as your fault.
Just my two cents.
I would not want to return to that person because that person was full of pain, resentment, self-hatred, and fear.
I have yet to meet someone who got into recovery and returned to who they were 'before'. It's just not possible.
However, I am a better person because each day I strive to work on my character defects, and to live life on life's terms.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and that doesn't just mean the drinking. That includes all the crappy attitudes/thinking that goes along with it. Take away the alcohol with no true recovery, and you've got one miserable 'dry' person.
Your AH is still coming from a place of supposedly 'quitting' drinking for the sake of the marriage. That's shaky at best. We alcoholics must hit a bottom and find recovery for ourselves, or recovery is fleeting at best.
Guaranteed, even if he manages to go past his usual 'dry' spell and not drink, the first time he gets pissed off about something, he will drink and throw it in your face as your fault.
Just my two cents.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
My answer to your thread question is not necessarily.
Taking the alcohol away does not mean the issues go. The symptom (drinking) may not be there but the cause (life/emotions/’stinkin’ thinkin’ etc.) probably will be. In my experience it was.
He may be in AA, have a sponsor and not be picking up a drink when they come a calling but the behaviours I saw when he had had a drink are still there to some degree.
It seems to me it takes time and patience to love a recovering alcoholic: and a good dose of realistic thinking.
Taking the alcohol away does not mean the issues go. The symptom (drinking) may not be there but the cause (life/emotions/’stinkin’ thinkin’ etc.) probably will be. In my experience it was.
He may be in AA, have a sponsor and not be picking up a drink when they come a calling but the behaviours I saw when he had had a drink are still there to some degree.
It seems to me it takes time and patience to love a recovering alcoholic: and a good dose of realistic thinking.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I believe you answered your own question in your thread:
So .................................................. what isyour next step?
IF andthat is a big IF he were to quit in earnest and really start WORKING A PROGRAM of recovery, there is no guarantee on when or if he ever would become the person YOU would like him to be. Recovery is an ongoing process, early results start to show sometimes between 3 and 6 months, glimpses of what person is really underneath.
Do you want to continue to subject yourself and your children to his irrational behavior? Only You can answer.
Love and hugs,
It is very unlikely that he will quit other than just long enough to reel me in again.
IF andthat is a big IF he were to quit in earnest and really start WORKING A PROGRAM of recovery, there is no guarantee on when or if he ever would become the person YOU would like him to be. Recovery is an ongoing process, early results start to show sometimes between 3 and 6 months, glimpses of what person is really underneath.
Do you want to continue to subject yourself and your children to his irrational behavior? Only You can answer.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
I sometimes read on here incredible stories of recovery. I also read on here horrifying stories of addiction and the trail of destruction brought about because of it.
Once I read this: When alcohol is taken out of the alcoholic all that is left is "ic".
You are on a hero's journey. Lots of hard questions to be answered only by you.
Once I read this: When alcohol is taken out of the alcoholic all that is left is "ic".
You are on a hero's journey. Lots of hard questions to be answered only by you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I keep asking myself the same question. I have not found an answer because my ABF vows to never quit drinking.
He has admitted in the past before that he is an alcoholic but when pressed on the issue recently, he says he does not have a problem with alcohol. The problem is me.
So...I have recently posed the question to myself this way.
When I have thought in the past that he's been a jerk, I've said it's because he's an alcoholic
BUT.... He says he's not an alcoholic.
So...That must mean he's just a regular jerk, right?
He wasn't like this when I met him, just as everyone else says, but I was a lot of things when we met that I haven't been in a long time, too (motivated, self-confident, happy).
If I've changed into someone I don't like because of alcohol's effect on my life, isn't it certainly possible that he's changed into someone I don't like also.
Quite frankly, if alcohol ceased to exist tomorrow, I really don't want to know what my ABF would be like. If he's this nasty when he's numbing himself to whatever triggers him, how could he possibly be anything but nasty if he has to take on his triggers sober.
He has admitted in the past before that he is an alcoholic but when pressed on the issue recently, he says he does not have a problem with alcohol. The problem is me.
So...I have recently posed the question to myself this way.
When I have thought in the past that he's been a jerk, I've said it's because he's an alcoholic
BUT.... He says he's not an alcoholic.
So...That must mean he's just a regular jerk, right?
He wasn't like this when I met him, just as everyone else says, but I was a lot of things when we met that I haven't been in a long time, too (motivated, self-confident, happy).
If I've changed into someone I don't like because of alcohol's effect on my life, isn't it certainly possible that he's changed into someone I don't like also.
Quite frankly, if alcohol ceased to exist tomorrow, I really don't want to know what my ABF would be like. If he's this nasty when he's numbing himself to whatever triggers him, how could he possibly be anything but nasty if he has to take on his triggers sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
The more research I do and the more I look at myself and how I play into this whole mess, the more I think our marriage is broken.
I used to think that if only he would give up alcohol, we would be great. But, he has transformed into this ugly person that I just can't stand. He's either a drunk jerk or a sober jerk, but he is always a jerk.
This new revelation is just shaking me to the core. I think I need to let go of the whole idea that alcohol is our only problem. The bottom line is we just have totally different views of what life should be. Family values are on the top of my list and I don't think they are even on his list. Anyway, I have alot of thinking to do.
I used to think that if only he would give up alcohol, we would be great. But, he has transformed into this ugly person that I just can't stand. He's either a drunk jerk or a sober jerk, but he is always a jerk.
This new revelation is just shaking me to the core. I think I need to let go of the whole idea that alcohol is our only problem. The bottom line is we just have totally different views of what life should be. Family values are on the top of my list and I don't think they are even on his list. Anyway, I have alot of thinking to do.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I have really been pondering that myself SS -- for my relationship, it's not ALL about the drugging & alcohol. I do believe the climate of mistrust and deceit is what has been our final demise however. We had/have many many other issues that needed to be addressed. I truly feel that these were fairly normal problems in a marriage and could have been worked through with hard work. I think there came a point that neither of us had "it in us" to do that hard work. And I don't think we would have been successful without first working on ourselves.
I know I have contributed to this problem I find myself in. I know I have enabled and I have become this person I don't recognize any more. Every day, I think of one more contribution on my part to the problem. But I have also found it to be liberating -- I can recognize the contributions and address them accordingly -- that is part of self discovery after all!
I know it's not ALL substances -- I know that our marriage is broken and cannot be fixed.
Please be gentle on yourself as you move through your "revelations".
Laurie
I know I have contributed to this problem I find myself in. I know I have enabled and I have become this person I don't recognize any more. Every day, I think of one more contribution on my part to the problem. But I have also found it to be liberating -- I can recognize the contributions and address them accordingly -- that is part of self discovery after all!
I know it's not ALL substances -- I know that our marriage is broken and cannot be fixed.
Please be gentle on yourself as you move through your "revelations".
Laurie
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel 
I used to think that if only he would give up alcohol, we would be great. But, he has transformed into this ugly person that I just can't stand. He's either a drunk jerk or a sober jerk, but he is always a jerk.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel
AH has said he will quit drinking IF it will make our marriage better.
He quits drinking. You don't immediately go back to trusting and loving him as if nothing ever happened. He says, see I knew it wouldn't matter, I might as well drink--and it's your fault.
Been there, done that.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Happyland
Posts: 193
Silly Squirrel, I think your AH and my XAH are brothers from anothr mother.. : ) I have been reading your posts, and I swear your circumstances to date mirror my not to distant past.
Hugs to you. Have you been able to get to some Al-Anon meetings for yourself? I humbly believe they saved me from going insane at one point. Hope you find some relief soon with whatever path you choose to take.
Hugs to you. Have you been able to get to some Al-Anon meetings for yourself? I humbly believe they saved me from going insane at one point. Hope you find some relief soon with whatever path you choose to take.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
My AH left in August last year and I have only just come to realise that I really don't like who he is right now - sober or drunk. If I were to meet him for the first time today, I doubt I'd want to spend any time with him. He was the love of my life, my 'soul mate' and my best friend. Over the 18 years we were together he has changed into a man I don't recognise any more. It has taken me months of living apart to finally see past the history and the idea of who he is and his potential to see the man he actually is right now.
I'm so impressed, (not so)Silly Squirrel, that you have managed to look at who he is right now so clearly - despite the pain this must be causing you. It hurt me when I realised it even after separating!
Be kind to yourself.
I'm so impressed, (not so)Silly Squirrel, that you have managed to look at who he is right now so clearly - despite the pain this must be causing you. It hurt me when I realised it even after separating!
Be kind to yourself.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
yep I have wondered that too,
but I'm not dwelling on it too much because right now its a fantasy as AH has yet to get as far as actually not drinking.
all I know is that I don't want the situation as it is right now, so I'm changing that the only way I can.
I have conceded that if he gives up drinking for 6 months and gets counselling/does AA/something whilst we are apart and I go back to AL-anon and continue counselling, we will both then look at whether we both want to try and work on our marriage.
but I'm not betting the farm on us getting to that stage.
but I'm not dwelling on it too much because right now its a fantasy as AH has yet to get as far as actually not drinking.
all I know is that I don't want the situation as it is right now, so I'm changing that the only way I can.
I have conceded that if he gives up drinking for 6 months and gets counselling/does AA/something whilst we are apart and I go back to AL-anon and continue counselling, we will both then look at whether we both want to try and work on our marriage.
but I'm not betting the farm on us getting to that stage.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Well, my AH has only gone 2 weeks without drinking. He has yet to state that he is done drinking. Just made the comment that maybe he should for the marriage/kids. He also brought up an instance about 5 years ago when he quit for about 2 months, although he remembers it as 4 months. He said that we didn't get along then when he quit so why would now be any different. I remember those 2 months well and as I recall we did get along MUCH better. BUT, our problems were nothing like they are now. The drinking has progressed along with mistrust, lies, lack of parenting, lack of responsiblility, etc. He has become more and more child-like and I find myself treating him like a child rather than the responsible, equal, safe, secure, mature adult that I want him to be.
I keep asking myself, is he angry and crabby today because he hasn't drank for 2 weeks? Or is he just an angry and crabby person?
I agree with you bookwyrm, if I met him for the first time today, I would not be interested in spending any time with him. He is a downer. I am hung up on the person I met over 14 years ago. I keep looking for that person and he is nowhere to be found. I guess I've always thought that if he quit drinking that person would come back. But now I am beginnig to think that person is long gone.....and I really don't like who he has become.
I keep asking myself, is he angry and crabby today because he hasn't drank for 2 weeks? Or is he just an angry and crabby person?
I agree with you bookwyrm, if I met him for the first time today, I would not be interested in spending any time with him. He is a downer. I am hung up on the person I met over 14 years ago. I keep looking for that person and he is nowhere to be found. I guess I've always thought that if he quit drinking that person would come back. But now I am beginnig to think that person is long gone.....and I really don't like who he has become.
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