Barbara52

Are you the same person you were 14 years ago?

sillysquirrel

I have the same values, morals and beliefs. The core of my being has not changed. I am more mature and responsible. I would like to think that if anything I have become a better person over 14 years. The negatives are that I am tired, run-down and exhausted. I do not make myself "pretty" everyday as I did then (makeup, hair), due to lack of time in the day. I have not let myself go, as some do. I am even a few pounds lighter than when we met. But who I am, what I believe in, things that are important to me, etc., have not changed.

I understand what you are asking me. I do not expect him to stay the same. However, this person he has become is just unacceptable to me. It is not someone I would have ever chosen to spend time with, let alone marry, 14 years ago. He is irresponsible, he lies, he is untrustworthy, he is a drunk, he does not follow thru with promises to me or the children and he can be quite mean. None of these were traits of his when we met!!

LaTeeDa

The point is--people change. Expecting him to be who he was 14 years ago is unrealistic at best. He is who he is--right here, right now. Either that person is acceptable to you or not. Who he used to be really doesn't have anything to do with it.

L

sillysquirrel

I get that. I just don't get why someone can go from being responsible, honest, fun to be around, true to his word, nurturing, caring, loving, etc. to this ugly monster. Some of my closest friends I have known for 30 years. They are still the same basic person inside. For the most part, people are who they are. I have never witnessed such a downward spiral in a human being's personality. Does anyone get what I am saying??

isitme

This is where I am...

This is where I need to be.. Thank You!

LaTeeDa

I get exactly what you are saying. I witnessed the same thing in my husband of 18 years. And I still don't understand it. And I hope I never do, because that would mean I am an alcoholic.

I do know this. Staying focused on why he was like he was, how he could change so much, why he couldn't see the light, did me absolutely no good at all. In fact, it kept me distracted. It allowed me to avoid all those uncomfortable feelings I didn't want to face. It prevented me from doing the hard work of recovery--which I eventually found I had to do anyway. I wasted a good amount of time trying to sort through his stuff, when I would have been better served sorting through my own stuff.

L

isitme

I think this is still the answer. I know what you mean about about the total 180 in personality. I do think that has to do with the alcohol and it's hold on a person. Other things become less imporatant and the addition takes over. They still have a good heart it just becomes burried in the addition and the manipulation it takes to keep that addition alive.

I sometimes wonder if this is the case with my A or if he was just able to cover up the manipulitive, abusive ways until I was already reeled in. Just like you I know he has a good heart, I just see less and less of it.

Yet he is constantly telling me.. for some reason people just like me. I'm a good guy. I'm not this monster you make me out to be. And it's true.. he has many hats and he only wears the one he wants you to see.

brundle

Isitme, I think we are married to the same person. Although mine really did act one way until we where married then completely changed. Everyone does really love him except the few people who have had close personal relationships with him, they hate him. He always tells me what a good guy he is and how lucky I am to have him. UM.. Shouldn't I just know that?

Anyway, Silly, my AH had asked me once if he quit drinking if that would solve all of our relational problems and the truth was that unless he found something like Extreme Personality Makeover: Alcoholic Edition I can't imagine that it would. I mean even if you get rid of drinking, pot and porn your left with critical, grumpy, hard to get along with, never there, lying, low morals, the list is endless.

I think as people we need to be growing and changing for the better. Reaching and having purpose of some sort or we end up like some stagnant (sp?) pond... just sitting around taking up space... stinking and dieing; drawing flies and bugging others...sorry if I sound kind of mean... I'm just sick of the addicts in my life...

FlwrofFrgttng

maybe i'm mean too. that perfectly describes how i feel about AH sometimes. Like that is exactly what he's doing. I like your description better. I always thought of it as "sitting, rotting and counting down the minutes until you die"

sillysquirrel

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. I am trying not to worry about AH and his problems anymore, but I am not there yet. I find myself getting quite angry at his downward spiral. I, too, agree that we should always be growing and changing "for the better". I know that I have changed and I know I have my flaws, but overall I think I am a much more responsible, mature adult than I was years ago. I would like to think that I have developed an understanding of others over the years and have just basically grown as a person for the better. This whole outlook on life that AH has is just depressing. I am very thankful for this site and how it has opened my eyes to so many things. Now, if only I could quit trying to MAKE him see things my way and just accept that he is what he is, as depressing as it is.

inahaze

Oh, you got one of those as well? Mine was a fabulous boyfriend and fiance...attentive, caring, understanding, thoughtful...just absolutely everything I could of EVER dreamed. Literally, the night we returned home from our honeymoon he pulled the switcharoo and has been doing the back/forth persona since.

If it's too good to be true, then it usually is.

sillysquirrel

Well.....it's been a long time since I've been here. The good news is my AH has not drank for a year and a half. The bad news is he is still mean, argumentative, selfish, child-like, volatile, and just plain difficult to be around. Don't know what happened to him. He turned into an unhappy pissed off a**hole. He attended AA and an outpatient rehab facility and things got better, but since he quit attending them in Nov or so, he has gotten unbearable AGAIN! Wish I could make him go to the meetings, but I can't. Don't know what to do........

nodaybut2day

Sounds like a case of the "sober horse thief" to me. Just cause he quit doesn't make him a nice guy or an ideal partner.

What's keeping you in the relationship?

sillysquirrel

Honestly, my kids are what keeps me here. It breaks my heart to think of them growing up without their family intact. And I know, that is ridiculous. It is not a healthy environment for them to grow up in, but I just haven't been able to take that step yet.

suki44883

It is better to come from a broken home than to live in one. Your children know what is going on and they hate it. They would be much happier if their parents were happy, even if that means they don't live together. I grew up in an alcoholic home and I know what your children are thinking and feeling. Take a read around our forum for Adult Children of Alcoholics. It is not a pretty picture.

Please, don't delude yourself by thinking that your kids are happier in all that dysfunction. They are not.

nodaybut2day

What are you teaching your children about relationships and basic human interaction by remaining in such a toxic environment? From a very early age, children emulate adult behaviour and model their own reactions based on their environment.

Try to imagine your children as grown adults, engaging in toxic relationships like your marriage...do that provide you with the adequate motivation to leave?

In the end, you'll leave when you are ready, but I'd gently suggest you consider the long term effects of *your* choices on your children's lives.

Perhaps, rather than the whole "intact family" ideal (which in my experience is often an illusion), what's keeping you there is fear of the unknown.

seekingcalm

I have just read your thread, and it is so interesting to me what seems to happen when the As in our lives stop going to meetings. They and we are never done recovering from alcoholism and its effects on us; it is certainly a lifelong journey.

You and your children deserve so much better, and it seems you know that. When we stay and continue to pretend that we have the perfect family, our As believe that lie, and allow it justify their bad behavior.

You never know what good things will happen when you begin to create a better life for yourself and your children.

Sending you strength and positive energy. Thank you for sharing your story, and for the update. So helpful

Shellcrusher

I get yah and it's a maddening revelation for me as well.

Tell you what. I used to have beautiful soft skin on my face until it got cut
and now I have a scar. Same thing can be said for my AW. She used to be beautiful once. Until she started drinking.

Tuffgirl

This is a very interesting and timely thread - I am coming to the realization that I may never again "like", much less love, my RAH spurred me to buy my own house and accept an indefinite separation. I don't know who this man is.

Silly, he is like your husband...angry and immature and super negative toward me. He doesn't trust me; never has. But will he? I don't know anymore, but I am not willing to put my life on hold to find out. I can do this from a distance and we'll see what happens.

I am willing to keep the door open for now, but I have no expectations he will be anything different than he is now, and I don't like that guy very much.

I am so excited about having my own life back that his issues and the back and forth "will he change or won't he" no longer bothers me much. It is what it is.

inahaze

I used to be in the same boat that you are in right now. I always thought that IF he would quit drinking that we would be happy and everything would be great. In my case he's quit drinking for a 18 months (though others have told me he's drinking when he goes out) and we aren't any happier. At least I'm not.

I blamed the alcohol for everything because it was such an easy thing to place blame on. You can see it, hold it, feel it, taste it...it's real. The other problems are there, but it's harder to point out and you are so overwhelmed with just dealing with the problems of alcohol that everything is one big blur. Once the alcohol is gone, there's no single thing to blame and yet things still don't work.

In my case we were married far to young (18), my first child at 21, second at 24 (and he's got a ton of issues that cause even more problems) and the whole time there was drinking, name calling, no trust, I was a verbally abused wife (some physical pushing/shoving) and in the middle there was another woman. I withdrew myself emotionally, I've kept secrets for fear of reprocussions, and manipulated things. I know I did these things and I know I did them because of everything that has gone on, but at the same time when I was supposedly trying to make it work when he quit drinking I just couldn't change 15 years of programming.

I know he's quit doing things, I know he's a pretty good dad for the most part now, I know that this isn't where he wanted us to end up. I can see the effort he's put into changing himself.

He wants someone who can be emotionally invested as a partner and I just can't be that person.

We make better roommates than husband/wife.