Can I stick to this???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
Can I stick to this???
It's the middle of another horrible night, and I wanted to show you the message I sent AH just now that he will get when he "comes to." I set some pretty firm boundaries and pray for the strength to be able to keep them...
************************************************** *****
It's 4 in the morning and you just passed out after falling outside and smacking your head on the ground. You literally crawled from there into bed on your hands and knees, crying all the way there.
I realize that I can't make you stop abusing alcohol, but I can decide not to poison myself or help you poison yourself anymore. It's just as bad as if I handed you a knife to slit your wrists or loaded a gun so you could shoot yourself.
I can't save your life, I know that now, but I can stop helping to kill you. I owe that to you, myself and our children.
So I will no longer be drinking with you or staying up with you while you get drunk. If I need to, I will find something else to do.
I will no longer drive you to the liquor store or go myself to get your liquor for you. I'm not going to try and stop you from getting it on your own, but I'm not going to help.
I watched you tonight as I was sober and realized how very sick you are and how close to death. My heart breaks for the girls knowing that, and I wouldn't be able to look them in the eyes if I didn't try to do something to stop this insanity.
Whatever you do from here is up to you. I'm done begging and preaching. All I know is that I want to live and have a real life. I see the people at the meetings I go to who seem really happy to be alive and seem to like themselves a lot more than I do, and I want what they have.
I love you. All you would ever have to do is ask for my help, and you would have it. But I know you may never ask, and I accept that.
************************************************** *****
It's 4 in the morning and you just passed out after falling outside and smacking your head on the ground. You literally crawled from there into bed on your hands and knees, crying all the way there.
I realize that I can't make you stop abusing alcohol, but I can decide not to poison myself or help you poison yourself anymore. It's just as bad as if I handed you a knife to slit your wrists or loaded a gun so you could shoot yourself.
I can't save your life, I know that now, but I can stop helping to kill you. I owe that to you, myself and our children.
So I will no longer be drinking with you or staying up with you while you get drunk. If I need to, I will find something else to do.
I will no longer drive you to the liquor store or go myself to get your liquor for you. I'm not going to try and stop you from getting it on your own, but I'm not going to help.
I watched you tonight as I was sober and realized how very sick you are and how close to death. My heart breaks for the girls knowing that, and I wouldn't be able to look them in the eyes if I didn't try to do something to stop this insanity.
Whatever you do from here is up to you. I'm done begging and preaching. All I know is that I want to live and have a real life. I see the people at the meetings I go to who seem really happy to be alive and seem to like themselves a lot more than I do, and I want what they have.
I love you. All you would ever have to do is ask for my help, and you would have it. But I know you may never ask, and I accept that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
Well, things went from bad to worse after I posted the above last night. I went to bed, and AH was passed out, but then he started spitting and puking in our bed and then got up and peed on our floor. I grabbed my blanket to sleep in the other room, and he followed me and started calling me a bunch of names, saying I was a hypocrite and a wishy-washy piece of s**t and telling me to go f**k myself. He asked if the Al-Anon people were going to keep me warm at night and saying I will never stick to my own conditions. He checked the phone to see if I had called the cops on him (I hadn't). Then he told me I had better not leave or I would "see what happens," even though he said he wasn't going to "lay his hands" on me, that's not his "style." So I slept on the tile floor next to my daughter's crib. He is still passed out, has to be at work at 12pm, doubt he will make it. God, I need strength. I need to stick to this. I can't do it by myself.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Awww Glenna.......I'm so sorry you are going through this. You don't have to do it by yourself.....in fact, I think it is not wise to try to do it alone. There are people to support you.....here, in meetings, in your community (you would be surprised of the help out there). Hang in there and lean on those you can.
I think the boundaries in your first post are awesome. I don't think they are unattainable. Have you thought of what you will do if they are crossed? I found I would say things like.....I won't put up with you not coming home or I won't allow you to be drunk in our home around our daughters, etc. But I never firmed it up with what the consequences of those behaviours would be. This left it open for the boundaries to be crossed again and again with nothing ever happening. You don't have to tell him -- just know yourself what you will do.
started calling me a bunch of names, saying I was a hypocrite and a wishy-washy piece of s**t and telling me to go f**k myself.
Nobody.........nobody deserves this abuse. And make no mistake about it, it is abuse. Nobody has the right to say these things to another human being, especially one they are supposed to love. They are meant to belittle you and weaken your self esteem. Eventually, you have no self worth left. Which is right where he wants you -- it enables the destructive behaviour to continue.
Then he told me I had better not leave or I would "see what happens," even though he said he wasn't going to "lay his hands" on me, that's not his "style."
Did he mean at that moment or ever? Not that that matters. A threat is a threat is a threat. This is worrisome to me. Has he ever been physical with you before? Making threats like this is intimidation, and it too is abusive. It often escalates (kind of like this disease). Do you have any place that you could go in an emergency (a safety plan)? You can find safety plans by googling -- they can give you insight to things you may not think of if ever you find yourself in a crisis situation where you HAVE TO get out. Can you stay some place even temporarily now so you are safe and can get away from the madness for a while to clear your head? Friends or family? I know this can be difficult, especially with a toddler but keeping yourself and your child safe is the focus here.
Congrats to you on staying sober -- I'm curious if you went to your meeting with your daughter? Just wondering. I hope you find a meeting today. And keep coming back here. I know it's been a life saver for me
take care
laurie
I think the boundaries in your first post are awesome. I don't think they are unattainable. Have you thought of what you will do if they are crossed? I found I would say things like.....I won't put up with you not coming home or I won't allow you to be drunk in our home around our daughters, etc. But I never firmed it up with what the consequences of those behaviours would be. This left it open for the boundaries to be crossed again and again with nothing ever happening. You don't have to tell him -- just know yourself what you will do.
started calling me a bunch of names, saying I was a hypocrite and a wishy-washy piece of s**t and telling me to go f**k myself.
Nobody.........nobody deserves this abuse. And make no mistake about it, it is abuse. Nobody has the right to say these things to another human being, especially one they are supposed to love. They are meant to belittle you and weaken your self esteem. Eventually, you have no self worth left. Which is right where he wants you -- it enables the destructive behaviour to continue.
Then he told me I had better not leave or I would "see what happens," even though he said he wasn't going to "lay his hands" on me, that's not his "style."
Did he mean at that moment or ever? Not that that matters. A threat is a threat is a threat. This is worrisome to me. Has he ever been physical with you before? Making threats like this is intimidation, and it too is abusive. It often escalates (kind of like this disease). Do you have any place that you could go in an emergency (a safety plan)? You can find safety plans by googling -- they can give you insight to things you may not think of if ever you find yourself in a crisis situation where you HAVE TO get out. Can you stay some place even temporarily now so you are safe and can get away from the madness for a while to clear your head? Friends or family? I know this can be difficult, especially with a toddler but keeping yourself and your child safe is the focus here.
Congrats to you on staying sober -- I'm curious if you went to your meeting with your daughter? Just wondering. I hope you find a meeting today. And keep coming back here. I know it's been a life saver for me
take care
laurie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I am so sorry this happened and I can relate to some of it.
Is there a way you could perhaps leave for a few days and stay with a friend or family just to get some breathing room? It is already such a relief to get away from the immediate consequences of the drinking and you could get a few night with undisturbed sleep. I remember my nights when ABF was still living with me, came home drunk (if he even made it to the apartment and did not pass out in the hallway for me to drag him inside), spit everywhere, urinated everywhere, and almost choked to death on my couch when he was throwing up (he very well might have died had I not been on my way to the bathroom and saw it). It is so stressful and some distance is really helpful.
Whatever you decide, I always think that being here and starting the process is a big step and the rest will follow. :ghug3
Is there a way you could perhaps leave for a few days and stay with a friend or family just to get some breathing room? It is already such a relief to get away from the immediate consequences of the drinking and you could get a few night with undisturbed sleep. I remember my nights when ABF was still living with me, came home drunk (if he even made it to the apartment and did not pass out in the hallway for me to drag him inside), spit everywhere, urinated everywhere, and almost choked to death on my couch when he was throwing up (he very well might have died had I not been on my way to the bathroom and saw it). It is so stressful and some distance is really helpful.
Whatever you decide, I always think that being here and starting the process is a big step and the rest will follow. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Originally Posted by timetogo 
Did he mean at that moment or ever? Not that that matters. A threat is a threat is a threat. This is worrisome to me. Has he ever been physical with you before? Making threats like this is intimidation, and it too is abusive. It often escalates (kind of like this disease). Do you have any place that you could go in an emergency (a safety plan)?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
I have already left him several times, even staying at a women's shelter for 6 weeks. However, I kept going back out of love or codependency or whatever. At this point, all my friends and family are sick of this and are not reaching out their arms to me anymore. They are tired of being burned. They have told me a million times to leave, and a million times I went back thinking it would be better than the time before.
I think I am sick, possibly more sick than he is. I didn't go to the meeting last night, but there is one tonight that I will be at.
AH said last night, "You're no good for me." At first I thought it was ironic, but he may possibly be right. I can't be good to him or my children or anybody else until I am good to myself and start to get well. He doesn't want that though, not really.
I think I am sick, possibly more sick than he is. I didn't go to the meeting last night, but there is one tonight that I will be at.
AH said last night, "You're no good for me." At first I thought it was ironic, but he may possibly be right. I can't be good to him or my children or anybody else until I am good to myself and start to get well. He doesn't want that though, not really.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Glenna9802
I can't be good to him or my children or anybody else until I am good to myself and start to get well. He doesn't want that though, not really.
My EXAH went right back to drinking/drugging when he got out of rehab, and I was in rehab shortly after he got out. I wasn't there very long before he showed up one day at the rehab, and the police had to be called before he ever entered the building. He was there to drag me out of there (he had already called several times threatening me if I didn't leave and come home to him).
I never went back home because I either would have relapsed, or he would have killed me. He was a very dangerous and sick man.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
I'm not in a good place to offer any words of advice right now but I am sending you my thoughts and best wishes and hoping that you have the strength and courage to do what is necessary for you and yours... x
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
AH said last night, "You're no good for me." At first I thought it was ironic, but he may possibly be right. I can't be good to him or my children or anybody else until I am good to myself and start to get well. He doesn't want that though, not really.
Of course he doesn't want that -- he won't have anyone to blame for his behaviour then but himself. I think that's really hard for them to do. Don't chastise yourself for going back either -- we stay for different reasons. Reasons that nobody but ourselves can understand. Nobody else is in our situation and unless you have lived it, why would you understand? That's what's so great about coming here -- people DO understand what you are going through and why you stay and how hard it is to make those decisions.
I would forgive and forgive and forgive time and time again. Why? Because I love him, because we have built something over 20 years, because we have had good times, because I had hope it will be better, because he is awesome when he is "behaving", because of the kids, because we have animals we love, because I'm scared I can't make it financially on my own, because I'm scared he'll get worse, because I don't want to lose the life I have (had)........on and on and on. I know that "this time" when I made the decision to end the relationship, I was so scared that my friends and family wouldn't support me. It is so frustrating to them. They just "don't get" why I would have put up with this for so long. Neither do I. That's what I'm trying to figure out.
I remember a friend asking me why I would put up with this. She was so angry that he was hurting me and so frustrated I was "staying and taking it". I asked her at the time to not judge me or question my motives, just support me in what I decide to do. It changed our relationship. She was able to detach with love and be there for me when I needed her to be, no questions asked.
My girlfriend asked me a little while ago, "why can't you see what I see.....a strong, beautiful, loveable, amazing woman. Why do you care so little about yourself?" It really hit home. Why do I care so little about my well being? I have a long road ahead of me to figure this out. But I'm ready to travel it. Only you will know when you are ready -- and you will know -- it sounds like you have started the journey.
I do know that my life is not filled with the same chaos as it was as I've began to detach. Right now, it is in anger. But I hope one day to have detached in love. It hurts, it's hard and it is a minute to minute struggle. But if I surround myself with those who understand and can support me, it will get better one day at a time.
As a side bar, I often find it difficult to attend face to face meetings because I live in a small town and often, I run into clients at meetings which is not ok for me. I have found online meetings helpful as well -- I go to stepchat.com. Can help when I can't get out!
Remember Glenna, Easy Does It!
laurie
Of course he doesn't want that -- he won't have anyone to blame for his behaviour then but himself. I think that's really hard for them to do. Don't chastise yourself for going back either -- we stay for different reasons. Reasons that nobody but ourselves can understand. Nobody else is in our situation and unless you have lived it, why would you understand? That's what's so great about coming here -- people DO understand what you are going through and why you stay and how hard it is to make those decisions.
I would forgive and forgive and forgive time and time again. Why? Because I love him, because we have built something over 20 years, because we have had good times, because I had hope it will be better, because he is awesome when he is "behaving", because of the kids, because we have animals we love, because I'm scared I can't make it financially on my own, because I'm scared he'll get worse, because I don't want to lose the life I have (had)........on and on and on. I know that "this time" when I made the decision to end the relationship, I was so scared that my friends and family wouldn't support me. It is so frustrating to them. They just "don't get" why I would have put up with this for so long. Neither do I. That's what I'm trying to figure out.
I remember a friend asking me why I would put up with this. She was so angry that he was hurting me and so frustrated I was "staying and taking it". I asked her at the time to not judge me or question my motives, just support me in what I decide to do. It changed our relationship. She was able to detach with love and be there for me when I needed her to be, no questions asked.
My girlfriend asked me a little while ago, "why can't you see what I see.....a strong, beautiful, loveable, amazing woman. Why do you care so little about yourself?" It really hit home. Why do I care so little about my well being? I have a long road ahead of me to figure this out. But I'm ready to travel it. Only you will know when you are ready -- and you will know -- it sounds like you have started the journey.
I do know that my life is not filled with the same chaos as it was as I've began to detach. Right now, it is in anger. But I hope one day to have detached in love. It hurts, it's hard and it is a minute to minute struggle. But if I surround myself with those who understand and can support me, it will get better one day at a time.
As a side bar, I often find it difficult to attend face to face meetings because I live in a small town and often, I run into clients at meetings which is not ok for me. I have found online meetings helpful as well -- I go to stepchat.com. Can help when I can't get out!
Remember Glenna, Easy Does It!
laurie
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Okay, first of all you sent him a similar message just 2 days ago
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...h-morning.html
Guess nothing changes if nothing changes.
So, yes go to that meeting tonight. Please understand, that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. There are 3 C'[s that you must engrave on your forhead <jk on the engraving>
You didn't CAUSE this.
You can't CONTROL this, and
You can't CURE this.
Now, AlAnon is for you. There you were learn about 'taking care of you', 'fixing you' (ie gaining your self worth back etc), 'figuring out YOUR boundaries', 'setting your boundaries', 'sticking to your boundaries', etc etc
Only you will know when "Enough is Enough." Obviously you have come close before as you have left.
You and 'the girls' deserve much better than this. When you decide to leave again, please make it the last time, do not return.
You deserve so much more and better than what you have now.
His ACTIONS not his words will show when he has found recovery and is living a new life. Until then you and the girls deserve the best and you are not getting that now.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...h-morning.html
Guess nothing changes if nothing changes.
So, yes go to that meeting tonight. Please understand, that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. There are 3 C'[s that you must engrave on your forhead <jk on the engraving>
You didn't CAUSE this.
You can't CONTROL this, and
You can't CURE this.
Now, AlAnon is for you. There you were learn about 'taking care of you', 'fixing you' (ie gaining your self worth back etc), 'figuring out YOUR boundaries', 'setting your boundaries', 'sticking to your boundaries', etc etc
Only you will know when "Enough is Enough." Obviously you have come close before as you have left.
You and 'the girls' deserve much better than this. When you decide to leave again, please make it the last time, do not return.
You deserve so much more and better than what you have now.
His ACTIONS not his words will show when he has found recovery and is living a new life. Until then you and the girls deserve the best and you are not getting that now.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Glenna,
If you cannot stick with your resolutions, you endanger the lives of your children. Period. If you cannot find a better, healthier life for yourself, do it for your children. Look at them playing and laughing and trying to get your attention. Watch them do all the sweet things they do. And now imagine turning your back on them and walking out the door, leaving them alone forever. Never going back to feed them, give them a bath, play with them. Imagine the lifelong sorrow they would feel if you did that. The confusion. As they grew up, they would be filled with self-blame. Why did she do it? Didn't she love us? What was wrong with us?
If you do not stick to your resolutions, find recovery for yourself, and leave your very sick and abusive husband - you are in fact ABANDONING your children. You are ignoring their very real needs and putting the sickness above them. You are effectively creating a cycle that they will themselves have to unravel as adults. If they do not become alcoholics themselves and find ways to never get better.
If you cannot find recovery for yourself, find recovery for your children. They have done nothing to deserve the sadness, confusion, conflict, and turmoil that they are immersed in.
I am reading your posts and I am filled with hope and concern for you. I have read many posts like yours. Please be one of the people who fights for survival. Please be one of the women who refuses to let a horribly sick and abusive partner belittle her and take away her self-esteem. Please be one of the people who puts her children above her twisted and dead, addiction-driven relationships. Please be one of the people who values the lives of her children over her fear of change. And over her fear of not knowing who she is and what she is left with after the sickness in her life is banished.
Even if you can't actually SEE it right now, hold onto the fact that you KNOW: that there is more to you and your life and the lives of your children than what your sick, alcoholic partner wants you to have. Because what he wants you to have is completely defined by his own alcoholism. It is reduced and squashed to fit into his own view of his life. Which is defined entirely by alcoholism. I know this.
And if you challenge that, you are terrifying him. You are challenging his very existence. So when you leave if, if you have the strength to put yourself and your children first, what you are doing in effect is saying: My life and the lives of my children are bigger than the liquid that is in that bottle. It is as simple as that.
That doesn't make it easy. But it should be very clear. Not easy. But undeniable.
Please be strong.
Emilie
If you cannot stick with your resolutions, you endanger the lives of your children. Period. If you cannot find a better, healthier life for yourself, do it for your children. Look at them playing and laughing and trying to get your attention. Watch them do all the sweet things they do. And now imagine turning your back on them and walking out the door, leaving them alone forever. Never going back to feed them, give them a bath, play with them. Imagine the lifelong sorrow they would feel if you did that. The confusion. As they grew up, they would be filled with self-blame. Why did she do it? Didn't she love us? What was wrong with us?
If you do not stick to your resolutions, find recovery for yourself, and leave your very sick and abusive husband - you are in fact ABANDONING your children. You are ignoring their very real needs and putting the sickness above them. You are effectively creating a cycle that they will themselves have to unravel as adults. If they do not become alcoholics themselves and find ways to never get better.
If you cannot find recovery for yourself, find recovery for your children. They have done nothing to deserve the sadness, confusion, conflict, and turmoil that they are immersed in.
I am reading your posts and I am filled with hope and concern for you. I have read many posts like yours. Please be one of the people who fights for survival. Please be one of the women who refuses to let a horribly sick and abusive partner belittle her and take away her self-esteem. Please be one of the people who puts her children above her twisted and dead, addiction-driven relationships. Please be one of the people who values the lives of her children over her fear of change. And over her fear of not knowing who she is and what she is left with after the sickness in her life is banished.
Even if you can't actually SEE it right now, hold onto the fact that you KNOW: that there is more to you and your life and the lives of your children than what your sick, alcoholic partner wants you to have. Because what he wants you to have is completely defined by his own alcoholism. It is reduced and squashed to fit into his own view of his life. Which is defined entirely by alcoholism. I know this.
And if you challenge that, you are terrifying him. You are challenging his very existence. So when you leave if, if you have the strength to put yourself and your children first, what you are doing in effect is saying: My life and the lives of my children are bigger than the liquid that is in that bottle. It is as simple as that.
That doesn't make it easy. But it should be very clear. Not easy. But undeniable.
Please be strong.
Emilie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Here's a letter to you Glenna.....
Good luck, you have a BUNCH of people supporting you here...
It's Sunday, and you have just spent another day in an abusive relationship that insures you don't get to see your sons except once a week and models abusive behavior for your daughter and didn't go to a meeting yesterday.
I realize that I can't make you stop abusing alcohol or staying in this relationship or getting help
I can't save your life, I know that now, but I can help myself and be an example. I owe that to you, myself and your children.
I watched you tonight as I was sober and realized how very sick you are and how close to death. My heart breaks for you, your sons, and your daughters knowing that, and I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eyes if I didn't try to do something to stop this insanity.
Whatever you do from here is up to you. I'm done begging and preaching. All I know is that I want to live and have a real life. I see the people at the meetings I go to who seem really happy to be alive and seem to like themselves a lot more than you do, and I want what they have, so I do what they do.
I love you. All you would ever have to do is ask for my help, and you would have it. But I know you may never ask, and I accept that.
I realize that I can't make you stop abusing alcohol or staying in this relationship or getting help
I can't save your life, I know that now, but I can help myself and be an example. I owe that to you, myself and your children.
I watched you tonight as I was sober and realized how very sick you are and how close to death. My heart breaks for you, your sons, and your daughters knowing that, and I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eyes if I didn't try to do something to stop this insanity.
Whatever you do from here is up to you. I'm done begging and preaching. All I know is that I want to live and have a real life. I see the people at the meetings I go to who seem really happy to be alive and seem to like themselves a lot more than you do, and I want what they have, so I do what they do.
I love you. All you would ever have to do is ask for my help, and you would have it. But I know you may never ask, and I accept that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
Glenna:
I had sent you a "thank you" just so you would know I was thinking of you when I couldn't write. I am so sorry for what you are going through... I wish there was a way to get you out of there and keep you away... but I can't get myself out... so unfortunately I don't have that magic answer for breaking free from that sick strange hold abuse and addiction has over family members who know better but can't seem to leave.
My prayers are with you. One piece of advice that I thought was really great that I got from this site was about looking up the domestic violence site. It had some great stuff about having an escape plan; I never want my kids in danger. At one point my AH was acting really "off". I have everything ready for that escape plan if I need it. My lawyer also told me that if you ever want to leave that you should have 3 months worth of expenses saved. It takes about that long for the courts to attach a husbands wages. I have about two months worth. I think it doesn't matter if your really going to leave or not you should have that money hidden away just in case. Just my two cents; but I hate feeling afraid and powerless. I really look forward to the day that I have that 3rd month saved and I can decide what it is I really want to do for a change.
You guys are in my thoughts and prayers...
I had sent you a "thank you" just so you would know I was thinking of you when I couldn't write. I am so sorry for what you are going through... I wish there was a way to get you out of there and keep you away... but I can't get myself out... so unfortunately I don't have that magic answer for breaking free from that sick strange hold abuse and addiction has over family members who know better but can't seem to leave.
My prayers are with you. One piece of advice that I thought was really great that I got from this site was about looking up the domestic violence site. It had some great stuff about having an escape plan; I never want my kids in danger. At one point my AH was acting really "off". I have everything ready for that escape plan if I need it. My lawyer also told me that if you ever want to leave that you should have 3 months worth of expenses saved. It takes about that long for the courts to attach a husbands wages. I have about two months worth. I think it doesn't matter if your really going to leave or not you should have that money hidden away just in case. Just my two cents; but I hate feeling afraid and powerless. I really look forward to the day that I have that 3rd month saved and I can decide what it is I really want to do for a change.
You guys are in my thoughts and prayers...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It sounds like you are as addicted to him, the chaos and drama as he is to the alcohol.
Addicted to the come back, I love you crap. Us codies love to hear we are loved, needed and wanted and yes we always think this time is going to be different.
You can predict the future by past experience. But I think we end up accepting the quick here and now words of I love you, come back, it ends our pain for that moment only to begin the chaos and drama all over again. It’s a ride you CAN get off of with the help of al-anon, counseling and posting here. Therecan be a happy outcome for you and your child if you find the strength to give up your drug of choice.
Addicted to the come back, I love you crap. Us codies love to hear we are loved, needed and wanted and yes we always think this time is going to be different.
You can predict the future by past experience. But I think we end up accepting the quick here and now words of I love you, come back, it ends our pain for that moment only to begin the chaos and drama all over again. It’s a ride you CAN get off of with the help of al-anon, counseling and posting here. Therecan be a happy outcome for you and your child if you find the strength to give up your drug of choice.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
i know how difficult it is to be in a situation where you probably rely on him as you have young children and he is totally out of control. lots of people cannot understand why, i have been trying to figure it out for awhile myself, and i am learning something about myself to that effect-- i have a hard time letting down people i love which includes saying something that may be true but hurtful. although my therapist told me years ago, "you do not know what boundaries are because your father never allowed you to have any" !!!! it took me several years just to Remember what that word was that he used...BOUNDARIES!!!!!......so although i am still rather paralyzed at times about speaking up for me-my recovery has given me tools to use, which have strengthened me to stand up for myself moreso, not tolerate unacceptable behavior, and to say no. the slogans help especially when i am in those situations where i am losing my ability to speak up or say what i mean although it would be hurtful...and it is more interesting that it mostly has to do with speaking up about alcoholism to my loved ones. I have yet to say anything to my A father about anything he did(and there was plenty). No one says you cannot love your A. but you still need to take care of YOU and your children. Go to the meetings, get their little books-lots of good useful moment-by-moment tools in them, which will help you find your way on your path to your recovery. and as they say....if it is good for the family...it is good for the alcoholic.....it is good for you to do what is right by your children and YOU.....take care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by Glenna9802
However, I kept going back out of love or codependency or whatever. At this point, all my friends and family are sick of this and are not reaching out their arms to me anymore.
Originally Posted by Glenna9802
AH said last night, "You're no good for me." At first I thought it was ironic, but he may possibly be right. I can't be good to him or my children or anybody else until I am good to myself and start to get well. He doesn't want that though, not really.
Please hang in there and get recovery for your sake and the sake of your children. What your husband decides to do is his business. Don't let him trash what you are trying to attain.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 10
To Mle Sober
I am new to this site and have had a light bulb moment from reading your message about taking care of the children first. I have been struggling back and forth with the idea of leaving for about 3 years now. I have two young children(under age 5). Seeing your words just WOKE ME UP today as I was reading them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 10
I am new to this site and have had a light bulb moment from reading your message about taking care of the children first. I have been struggling back and forth with the idea of leaving for about 3 years now. I have two young children(under age 5). Seeing your words just WOKE ME UP today as I was reading them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
Thank you all for your responses. Yes, I realize that there is a TON of codependency going on here, and I'm hoping to talk about that more at meetings. Like I said before, I may be even more sick than AH.
I did go a meeting last night, but also did something else that was pretty eye-opening. I went to a cookout at a friend's house, and my boys were there and the baby too. I sat and watched them play and eat and marveled at the normalcy of it all. No one was drinking, I didn't feel anxious or want to drink, and I was happy to be a part of things. It was truly refreshing, and I want more of that out of life.
After the other night, AH is now talking about going to meetings. I haven't really said anything in response, because I've heard this before. I'm glad he's saying it, but actions would speak a lot louder. Anyway, I need to work on myself now. Yes, I am addicted to him, and I don't want to be that way about any person as a drug of choice.
Thanks again. I can read the frustration of some of you with my situation, and believe me it's nothing new, but please bear with me and don't give up on me. I want things to be different and to make them different. I just need some strength.
I did go a meeting last night, but also did something else that was pretty eye-opening. I went to a cookout at a friend's house, and my boys were there and the baby too. I sat and watched them play and eat and marveled at the normalcy of it all. No one was drinking, I didn't feel anxious or want to drink, and I was happy to be a part of things. It was truly refreshing, and I want more of that out of life.
After the other night, AH is now talking about going to meetings. I haven't really said anything in response, because I've heard this before. I'm glad he's saying it, but actions would speak a lot louder. Anyway, I need to work on myself now. Yes, I am addicted to him, and I don't want to be that way about any person as a drug of choice.
Thanks again. I can read the frustration of some of you with my situation, and believe me it's nothing new, but please bear with me and don't give up on me. I want things to be different and to make them different. I just need some strength.
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