Is it possible to be a reformed cheater? Am I crazy for forgiving him?
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 
Good. There are way to many people who are reluctant to get tested.
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I was married to that man. But he refused to acknowledge his alcoholism. I had to leave to get out of an intolerable situation. Love can only go so far IMO.
It may be that you will be one of those who end up with a spouse who embraces sobriety and never cheats on you again. I hope that's true. But only time will give you the answers you seek.
I would take the opportunity while he is in rehab to discuss this (and other issues) with him and a counselor.
It may be that you will be one of those who end up with a spouse who embraces sobriety and never cheats on you again. I hope that's true. But only time will give you the answers you seek.
I would take the opportunity while he is in rehab to discuss this (and other issues) with him and a counselor.
Last edited by Barbara52; 02-05-2009 at 07:55 AM.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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August....I think anything is possible. My husband does things drunk he would never ever do sober, because when he's drunk he's the center of the universe and nobody else's feelings figure into his decisions at all. So far, to the best of my knowledge, there has never been any physical infidelity, but there have been a lot of hurtful things. I honestly believe that if he sticks with sobriety he'll never do those things again, because sober he always considers my feelings.
However, the question you must ask yourself is can you trust him? A lot of people find after infidelity that they just can't trust again. They snoop and nag and never really get to the point that they believe their spouse will never cheat again, they are constantly watching for it. If you can't trust him then, IMO, it's not really possible to rebuild your relationship.
That doesn't mean there won't be a period of distrust. Right now I'm having trouble with some things my husband does that wouldn't bother me at all if he hadn't just hurt me a couple weeks ago. But he's remorseful and understanding and is respecting the fact that I'm just more sensitive to some stuff now. And eventually I'll get back to knowing he wouldn't hurt me like that sober, and trusting that he's going to stay sober, and life will be much less stressful. If you think you can get to that point again then I believe your relationship can be salvaged.
However, the question you must ask yourself is can you trust him? A lot of people find after infidelity that they just can't trust again. They snoop and nag and never really get to the point that they believe their spouse will never cheat again, they are constantly watching for it. If you can't trust him then, IMO, it's not really possible to rebuild your relationship.
That doesn't mean there won't be a period of distrust. Right now I'm having trouble with some things my husband does that wouldn't bother me at all if he hadn't just hurt me a couple weeks ago. But he's remorseful and understanding and is respecting the fact that I'm just more sensitive to some stuff now. And eventually I'll get back to knowing he wouldn't hurt me like that sober, and trusting that he's going to stay sober, and life will be much less stressful. If you think you can get to that point again then I believe your relationship can be salvaged.
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Originally Posted by jaguarpcb
August....I think anything is possible. My husband does things drunk he would never ever do sober, because when he's drunk he's the center of the universe and nobody else's feelings figure into his decisions at all. So far, to the best of my knowledge, there has never been any physical infidelity, but there have been a lot of hurtful things. I honestly believe that if he sticks with sobriety he'll never do those things again, because sober he always considers my feelings.
However, the question you must ask yourself is can you trust him? A lot of people find after infidelity that they just can't trust again. They snoop and nag and never really get to the point that they believe their spouse will never cheat again, they are constantly watching for it. If you can't trust him then, IMO, it's not really possible to rebuild your relationship.
That doesn't mean there won't be a period of distrust. Right now I'm having trouble with some things my husband does that wouldn't bother me at all if he hadn't just hurt me a couple weeks ago. But he's remorseful and understanding and is respecting the fact that I'm just more sensitive to some stuff now. And eventually I'll get back to knowing he wouldn't hurt me like that sober, and trusting that he's going to stay sober, and life will be much less stressful. If you think you can get to that point again then I believe your relationship can be salvaged.
However, the question you must ask yourself is can you trust him? A lot of people find after infidelity that they just can't trust again. They snoop and nag and never really get to the point that they believe their spouse will never cheat again, they are constantly watching for it. If you can't trust him then, IMO, it's not really possible to rebuild your relationship.
That doesn't mean there won't be a period of distrust. Right now I'm having trouble with some things my husband does that wouldn't bother me at all if he hadn't just hurt me a couple weeks ago. But he's remorseful and understanding and is respecting the fact that I'm just more sensitive to some stuff now. And eventually I'll get back to knowing he wouldn't hurt me like that sober, and trusting that he's going to stay sober, and life will be much less stressful. If you think you can get to that point again then I believe your relationship can be salvaged.
Hi Judi kind of freaks me out I'm in north warren , mi haha anyway Yes I can trust him IF he is sober not if he is using. Thanks for you advice it truly helps.
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Enjoying the weather today? It's kinda weird, I've noticed a lot of people from Michigan around the forums here....maybe living in Michigan is what's making us unhealthy, lol I'm glad I could help.
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Originally Posted by jaguarpcb
Enjoying the weather today? It's kinda weird, I've noticed a lot of people from Michigan around the forums here....maybe living in Michigan is what's making us unhealthy, lol I'm glad I could help.
Cannot help but agree with you on that one If I had a choice I would be living in a much warmer climate . Cannot stand this cold freezing ! Well, Thanks again for the advice
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I'm not fond of days that start off below 0°, but I like the changing weather, the seasons, so I couldn't ever move too far south. Plus most of my friends and family are here...we tried moving away once, and I just missed everyone so much....luckily we had an opportunity to move back and we've both been happier having people we love around us.
Take care!
Take care!
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Ladies,
I hate to burst your bubble, but down south (SC) the alcoholism, cheating and lying is just as pervasive. It is just done in a hospitable fashion (joke).
We have warm and balmy weather most of the year, but today it is in the 30's.
I hate to burst your bubble, but down south (SC) the alcoholism, cheating and lying is just as pervasive. It is just done in a hospitable fashion (joke).
We have warm and balmy weather most of the year, but today it is in the 30's.
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Everyone has a different barometer when it comes to infidelity.
It's a dealbreaker for me - but I know others for whom it's no more serious than telling a lie or wrecking a car. A particular female relative thinks it's acceptable "as long as there are no feelings involved." And of course there are spouses of rock stars and sports heroes, some of whom must accept infidelity as part of the landscape.
Only time will tell if your AH will remain faithful to you when he's sober....and whether he will indeed remain sober. Wish there were better answers for you.
70 here in Denver today -- and I'm going out for a walk!!
It's a dealbreaker for me - but I know others for whom it's no more serious than telling a lie or wrecking a car. A particular female relative thinks it's acceptable "as long as there are no feelings involved." And of course there are spouses of rock stars and sports heroes, some of whom must accept infidelity as part of the landscape.
Only time will tell if your AH will remain faithful to you when he's sober....and whether he will indeed remain sober. Wish there were better answers for you.
70 here in Denver today -- and I'm going out for a walk!!
Getting better every day!
Join Date: Jan 2009
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MissFixit, I'd take 30s right now. It was -4° when I got to work this morning, and it's only up to 17° now! Maybe that's why we aren't so nice about our transgressions, lol, it's just too cold to be hospitable!
I won't tell GiveLove what she can do with her 70°!
:ghug
I won't tell GiveLove what she can do with her 70°!
:ghug
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