August011982

You ever here that saying "once a cheater always a cheater" ? Well, DH who is currently in rehab for being a binge drinker and vicodin abuse he came to me about a year ago while he was clean and told me he HAD To tell me something, he has a CONFESSION so... with sorrow in his eyes he told me that in the midst of his addiction to vicodin and alcohol he cheated on me on 3 separate occasions 2 years prior all of it took place in the period of 3 weeks before he ended it all . I guess this is kind of off topic but is it ? I mean for those recovering addicts out there is it possible for him to have done this becuase it just came with his addiction and to now be reformed? The reason I'm posting here regarding this issue is because I do not feel it is something I can talk with him about because he is currently working on "himself" in rehab and this will just be added stress.... I have always been the gal to say " I can handle the ups/downs of his disease but if he ever cheats i'm gone" Well I'm eating my own words you have no idea what you would do until your in the situation ...Keep in mind our marriage was on the rocks during this time we had some what of a fake relationship he felt as though he could not come to me and talk to me about his problems and I had some control issues I was in lala land thinking our marriage was"ok" As you can tell even though I'm trying to be here and I am there for dh I struggle with this every day .Am I naive to think he will for now on be forever faithful to me?

I posted this on another thread also just looking for as much advice as possible

Barbara52

For me, infidelity is a deal breaker, whatever excuses are given for the infidelity. I could forgive but I would not forget and I would not be able to continue in a relationship with someone who had cheated on me even once let alone several times.

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

I suppose some cheaters do reform. But it wouldn't matter to me if they did or not since I would not be around to find out. I have too much self respect for that.

August011982

"For me, infidelity is a deal breaker, whatever excuses are given for the infidelity. I could forgive but I would not forget and I would not be able to continue in a relationship with someone who had cheated on me even once let alone several times.

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

I suppose some cheaters do reform. But it wouldn't matter to me if they did or not since I would not be around to find out. I have too much self respect for that."

This is along the lines of what I used to say also ....Like I said I'm eating my own words . You have no clue what you would do until your in the situation...

Barbara52

Sorry, but I do know for a fact that I would never accept back into my life someone who cheated on me. I have indeed dumped men I was dating for that reason. I would never tolerate it. Period.

If for you it is not a deal breaker, that's fine for you. But then what is your question? Is he really reformed? Only time will tell you that. No one can possibly predict continued fidelity anymore than anyone can predict continued sobriety. Time and actions will give you your answer.

Freedom1990

My EXAH cheated when he was on drugs, and when he was off of drugs.

Sometimes drugs get too much credit, in my books.

August011982

freedom1990 and Barbara are you both recovering addicts or friends/family of recovering addicts?

Freedom1990

I'm a recovering addict, I was married to an addict (now deceased), and I also have a 31 year old daughter in active addiction.

Barbara52

Neither. I am the ex spouse of an alcoholic and the child of 2 alcoholics.

FormerDoormat

So, if you lower the bar this time, will you lower it again the next time? I lowered my bar again and again until there was no place lower to go. Then I ended up here, a sick and confused woman who wondered why people always took advantage of me.

The answer I came up with was because I allowed it.

And since you asked the others, I'll answer in advance: I was the girlfriend of an alcoholic (also now deceased).

freya

Well first off, because of my attitudes toward /beliefs about sex, I personally do not find sexual infidelity to be to worst form of "cheating" by any means. Actually, I find it to be rather less of a betrayal than the emotional betrayal of a partner whose primary relationship ends up being with his/her drug of choice when it's supposed to be with me.

Also, because of the fact that addiction to alcohol and/or drugs does tend to lower people's inhibitions, I do believe that oftentimes people who would not be sexually unfaithful to a partner if they were sober/clean end up being so when they are not....(Of course, there are also chronic cheaters, and addicts/alcoholics who are also sex-addicts, and/or who substitute sexual acting-out for substance abuse once they become "clean", so there are no one-size-fits-all answers here.)

So, there are 2 things you really need to determine up-front here. How important is sexual infidelity to you per se and how much of your A's infidelity was related to / facilitated by his using.....and, unfortunately, the only one of those that you are in any kind of position to determine at this time is the first, because your A is still in rehab!

I mean, think about that.....he is very new to recovery, so, even if it does turn out that he sticks it out and you do decide that you are interested in trying to work it out between the 2 of you, if you proceed cautiously and carefully and make sure that he is doing what he needs to be doing, not only in terms of his personal recovery but also in terms of earning back your trust, it is going to require a lot of work, a lot of patience, and a lot of time for the two of you to re-establish a truly healthy relationship...And actually it sounds like you'd probably be working to establish a really healthy relationship for the first time.

I certainly don't believe that that is impossible...but if you and/or he is thinking that this is something that should just "happen" because he's gone through rehab and is not using at the moment, that seems really unrealistic and very dangerous to me.

freya

...and FYI I am the partner of an alcoholic who did cheat on me (sexually and emotionally) while in a dry drunk relapse.

August011982

He is none of the above sex addict,chronic cheater ect. And I am quite aware that there is a long road ahead of us to re-build our relationship and he knows this also. I do not trust the addict in him the person who uses however I do trust the person beneath all of that . So, yes I do believe being on kolonopin,vicodin plays a part on his wrong doing . Call me crazy for believing this I just have seen too many lifestyles of addicts how they live and what they think is morally right It's like 2 people in one ....

Freedom1990

So why did you ask anyone for their opinion on this forum then? :wtf2

Gold

Its up to your personal level of tolerance.
For me infidelity is a deal breaker, so would be incurring debt, assulting another person.

Your dilema seems to be because the incident(s) occured pre-recovery. And you wonder if with a committment to sobriety he will remain faithful. Is that right?

August011982

That is exactly what I am wondering I am also seeking reassurance that a addict in active addiction is capable of doing things that an addict in recovery is not.

August011982

I asked for details and was told all of the details it happened over the period of 3 weeks with 2 people before he ended it all no emotions were involved it was simply physical and for me I'd much rather it be a physical thing than emotional. Sex is just sex you add in emotions and its a lot more. I could not of handled an emotional thing.... regarding self respect I have a great deal of self respect however I do believe everyone makes mistakes .

Startingover2

My exah cheated as well. Most of the contact with OW was during the times when he was drinking. I think it lowered his conscience and he needed that self esteem boost when he was drinking. He needed to feel like a stud.

But, whether he was drinking or not, infidelity is something that is tough to get past. I am not one to say that drinking causes infidelity and if they were sober they would be faithful. Obviously, the thought was there even when he was sober.....he just became weak enough when he was drinking to act on it.

Barbara52

Just a suggestion, but you might want to get tested for STDs to be on the safe side.

August011982

been there done that 3 times since I may have a forgiving heart but I'm not stupid.

Barbara52

Good. There are way to many people who are reluctant to get tested.

August011982

[QUOTE=Gold;2094276]Its up to your personal level of tolerance.
For me infidelity is a deal breaker, so would be incurring debt, assulting another person.

This is what I used to say as well and then I ended up in the situation . Imagine being completely in love with someone and seeing what a different person they are while using compared to being sober . It is 2 people in one and then imagine them coming to you sober out of the blue and telling you of there wrong doings while being that other person.

It's a very tough spot to be in ...