TakingCharge999

Any wise words about how to overcome jealousy?

I just saw a picture of the XAH with the new girlfriend (accidentally, remind me not to use Facebook ever again) and I feel so jealous of her it is eating me inside. What have you done to overcome it when you do not have a punching bag handy?

Why would I feel jealous of a girl that is with an active alcoholic in denial and getting worse? Shouldn't it be compassion instead?

Maybe my fault is thinking he "took away" MY Dr. Jekyll, when he disappeared long time ago. Mr Hyde is more like it. I also find I am jealous of him and how he appears to be skating. Of course I am going through my own withdrawal syndrome while he still has his comfort - whiskey.

Leaving an alcoholic person is like a bad mushroom trip... the worst rollercoaster seems nothing compared to it. At least you know it will end soon!

TryingSoHard

Learn how to use the "block" feature on Facebook. It can come in quite handy.

I used to have horrible jealousy issues. I'm not really sure how to suggest getting over it... nothing anyone suggested to me ever worked. Thinking about it rationally never made the EMOTION of jealousy any less.

Be kind to yourself. And you're absolutely right - you have nothing to be jealous of if she's with an active alcoholic in denial! Count your blessings instead.

kermit

My Ex AH lives with the woman he left his family for, It doesn't bother me anymore. I cried alot, posted alot and moved on and started doing my own thing. Allanon hellped too, When I started living for myself and my children the saddness, jealousy, the pain just stopped.

lovtolaff

Well I don't have any wise words but I wanted you to know that you aren't the only one that feels/felt this way.

I too have problems with being "jealous" of my x's relationship with his new gf. For the life of me, I can't figure out why. I'm sure she is seeing a WORSE alcholic/crack addict than I ever did. In the 7 months that we've been apart he's already got a court date for assaulting his new girlfriend's cousin (a female no less). Sheesh.

But here lately, my jealousy is turning to "phew thank God I don't have to have that drama in my life any longer" - I think part of that comes from NO CONTACT whatsoever and no snooping around to see what he's up to. I'm still friends with some of his co-workers so i could get an "update" any time I wanted but I AVOID it like the plague. Besides, what difference does it make to me what or who he is doing? It just prolongs the hurt.

Get busy doing STUFF and focus on YOU and the calm that you surely have in your life now. Think about some of the things that you went thru while with him and know that she is probably dealing with the same things and worse. Would you wish all that drama back on yourself?

I know how you feel and I hope those feelings of "envy" start going away sooner rather than later.

Peace.

JenT1968

I used to suffer terribly from jealousy, I may well do again, and I find the only thing that helps me with feeling the emotion of jealousy is to practice a quick bit of "Mindfulness"

(there are different ways to do it, my therapist teaches me, but google and see, it is a technique I use to help seperate "me" from my thoughts and feelings so that I can acknowledge them without judging them and not have to act on them or be particulalrly in pain.

Once I've acknowledged that I do feel jealous, and that as all feelings are legitimate, I don't have to judge myself on that (I am a terrible one for thrashing myseflf over feeling *bad* things) I can allow myself to feel it for a while and then analyse the reality of the situation.

Know that it will go. Have you loved and left/been left before? It helps me to think about how I feel NOW about others that I was in love with before. I see them with a distance now, enough distance to know that I and they are horrible together, but not judge them or me for that and to be able to not care whether their current partner and they are happy, or whether they are having fun or going through the same issues that we went through: I hope not, but it barely registers. I know therefore that one day I will feel the same about the loves that I lose now.

So my feeling of jealousy is all about my perspective, and I can work on that. I then had to examine the truth of my relationship with them. It doesn't matter if my X and their new squeeze are in perfect bliss for ever more. That says nothing about the reality of my experience of a relationship with them. and the odds are, that frankly, they aren't in perfect bliss, I bet there is the odd happy pic of the two of you together aren't there? and the camera OFTEN lies I find.

(for me, the most telling one here is a pic of me and my son that AH took and has blown up and put on the wall. He says he loves it because I look so serene, friends of mine have also commented on how "earth mothery" I look in it. It IS a good pic of DS but I am anything but serene in that picture, I remember the day, it came at the end of a particularly horrific weekend of his alcoholic behaviour, and to me, who knows the truth, I look pained and unhappy and false......and therefore UGLY to me: but apparently that which is OBVIOUS to me is not obvious to others seeing the photo.

Barbara52

For me, overcoing jealousy means taking ownership of what I am feeling. It usually is some form of my being disatisfied with what I have in my life and curing it involves figuring out what I can change in my life to move in the direction I want to go. The person I am jealous of really has nothing to do with the feeling. What they have or do that leads to my jealousy is irrelevant. It is my dissatisfaction with myself that is the root of the feeling. That I can change regardless of what the other person does or says or whatever.

Startingover2

Wow this is a great post for me given what I have been feeling lately. I posted a few days ago about my exah's OW moving into my neighborhood and its like a constant stab in the heart and re-brings up pain over and over.

I don't have many words of wisdom on how to overcome jealousy as I am the green eyed monster myself. One thing someone told me was not paint their relationship with rose-colored glasses. Its probably not all that great. My exah is still drinking and its still repulsive. That I KNOW! I don't know why I twist it in my head that he is suddenly this sober, wonderful guy. He's not. He has just moved on to the next victim.

You have facebook to snoop and I have OW living so close. Block the facebook. I am trying to give up wondering and checking up to see what they are doing. Hard to do in my situation due to the logistics but I am going to try. I still know too much by piecing all the time puzzle pieces together of what they do etc. It only hurts me.

Somehow we will get through this. I am coming to realize it won't happen unless I change my own thinking.

timetogo

I'm not there yet because I'm just starting the separation process but I have imagined it before. I try to tell myself that there will be nothing to be jealous about as I know exactly what she will be getting. I didn't want it and she certainly can have it!

gabenyc

I wrestle with this same thing as well, and its been over a year since my xabf and i broke up. he started dating someone 5 months later, and moved them into his apartment after about a month or so. through facebook and other internet sites, i have a perpetual temptation to check up and see how they are doing, and it kills me every time. it's very masochistic behavior on my part -- it's a way to keep the sadness and anger current (long after they have run their course), and it allows me to stay connected to him and keep my focus on him and his activities (why i'd want to stay connected to someone like him is a continual puzzle, but it's probably no different than recovering a's that want to spend time at bars.) I always end up feeling awful afterwards. At any rate, here's what I know that works for me: do your best to stay away from any and all contact, virtual or otherwise. when you get the urge, go watch tv, take a walk, head to the gym, or do something else. really try to be vigilant about it, and you'll start to gradually feel better.

take good care of yourself, and know that you're far from alone on this one...

TakingCharge999

Hi thank you all for your posts.

I blocked him from everything online long time ago, but we have common friends so I was looking at someone's misc pictures and there it was. The picture-perfect couple in the company's party. That sucks, I am not able to surf Facebook freely now...

I hate it that I keep on being wary of the cars around me because once I saw them together in his car early after the breakup (they were not going out...yet), and I got a crisis and was given antidepressants.... I hate I get nervous when I see a similar car. And I hate I am just expecting to actually see them together and it really dawns on me... I am just trying to be stronger so I it doesn't bring me down so badly. But what the hell. Sometimes I want for it to happen so I can WAKE UP to this new reality.

And that is when I miss Mexico city lol, with 20 million people there was never a chance you saw your ex again! or the ow or anyone...

I guess I just have to cut all contact with the common friends too, "losing" them in a sense as well... well, as if they were that great after all. Many of them took him out drinking or are his drinking buddies so I resent them and I see them as enablers as well.

This weekend I tried to force myself to do stuff but I am sorry to say I could not. Going out just makes me sadder right now, I feel better reading books at home. I will try to make a point on at least calling people, I am going crazy in this small white room. I only need the cushioned walls and I am there, LOL

Tonight I was all ready to go out when the guy cancelled.. I got very upset because it was my first outing after several months... so I just got out to wander around and got REALLY SAD. I ended up driving to a previous home when we were really happy and crying my heart out. It helped me a great deal knowing I could allow myself to feel, and not to have anyone around to scold me for not being The Party Girl just yet.

The really difficult thing is that there is no relaxation because I see the guy at work and he sees the new one right outside the door, and sometimes takes her inside so I am there trying to troubleshoot something at 8PM while he is there "busy" as well and I hear THEIR conversation and laughters...

It is just karma, I probably did something really bad and now I am paying LOL

Today I was thinking about this thread and I thought the "solution" is just as you say, when the focus is on him, yes of course, I was the troubled one and he has the replacement that is "better" (an alcoholic herself so no better enabler than that).

When the focus is on ME then yes of course, an alcoholic in denial capable of verbal abuse has nothing to offer me, and he will indeed get worse. So I for one should not be fooled for how "happy" they seem.

The monster has not gone anywhere.

Thanks for listening and sorry for the long post.

TakingCharge999

Has it ever happened to you that you read your own posts and you wish you really felt what you write? It is all rationalized but when are the feelings going to align?? I suppose when you are done releasing them... well, my dear and well-known sadness...I am ALL YOURS!!

And YES I feel REALLY JEALOUS because their open-doors honeymoon reminds me of my own with this guy and that was a really really good time that I miss. And because I was forgotten in no time. And because I know they will last, (I know her because we used to go out together in group and SHE was flirting with another guy at that time, knowing he has a girlfriend), so to me they seem like a match made in heaven.

But well, what do they say... "the worst thing you can wish your enemies is a long life"
Anger comes now to the scenario ...

The 1step feels good. Better than scolding myself for not feeling what I do not feel.

splendra

I feel for you. Just consider these feelings could pull you back in. I know you don't want that. I have been where you are. I know it feels terrible.

No doubt you have a few pleasant memories with your ex. This is only a thought but maybe when you feel jealous you could try to be reminded of why you are not with him.

You are smart to realize you are going thru your own withdrawal. Be gentle with yourself and post here often and get as much support as you need.

peaceteach

My daughter read me a quote recently that said "Jealousy takes you in the opposite direction of where you want to go." Maybe it will help you to do some spiritual reading. You could try searching online.

When I find myself falling into a sadness with emotions, I have learned to just say stop to it, because I do have that power. I find reading about positive emotions helpful.

TakingCharge999

Thank you for your useful comments. Today I did what I was afraid of, saw the pictures of the good times and I am planning to have a friend store them for me. Of course I tried not to cry but then remembered the picture I saw by mistake and here I am sobbing again. The good part is that in a few months he looks years older LOL. It is hard to remember the good person without alcohol, the good times.

I guess that dealing with an obsession goes any way, if its the other woman, then I am going to feel replaced, bad about myself, less than, etc.

And if the guy was single I would be obsessing (sp?) about who he is flirting with and how many girls he has slept with...

So I will try to obsess with MYSELF for a change... do I need an abusive person? NO... do alcoholics magically change overnight... NO!

And I do not need to do any ill wishing... I dislike myself when I hope bad stuff happens to other people. He once told me that whatever I heard or saw.. was not to hurt me, that he was just trying to be happy. I noted the "trying" part...

Anyhow its really hard not to take it personal.

I have a Buddhist book about visualizations and overcoming a great range of emotions so I will read it and do the exercises. Sometimes I get excited about the prospect of dealing with these strong emotions and see if I will really feel different and overcome all this, it seems too huge at the moment.

"Casually" I met a girl that is trained for Reiki and I plan to start some sessions, maybe it helps.

Thanks a lot for being with me in these first stages of recovery, they suck but I am proud of myself for not running away in alcohol, drugs or another guy. "A diversion, a rebound: a comrade in pain to find you solace" as a song goes.

I guess I will always have the doubt as to how easy I was forgotten and how easy the guy "moved on". I will try to exercise compassion to myself and why I am comparing myself to anyone. And remember that we can show something outside but the inside is totally different. Lately some people told me I look good (!!) and I am like OK these are the worst days of my life.. so who knows what is really going on. I mean if there was no pain in his life why the need to drink so much? A dependent sad person, acting independent and happy.

BTW not sure if I already told you but I decided to stop drinking altogether so at least something good happened

splendra

I think it is easy for us to feel like it is unfair if the person we have broken up with gets clean and rides off into the sunset with someone else to be happy forever and ever.

So what if this does happen.

I have to remember my pain of seeing him high and not taking responsibility for himself. For whatever reason he has not chosen sobriety while being with me.

I wish him well and if he finds himself getting clean with or with out someone else more power to him.

I went back to my H one time before because I did not want him to be with someone else. I was jealous and I was in a lot of pain. In looking back I wish I had been able to let him go. Live and learn.

TakingCharge999

Hi splendra thank you.

That's right, drinking or not, with another one or alone, he is in Gods hands now.

Letting go, that is the great lesson...

Freedom1990

My jealousy issues stemmed from my own insecurities and low self-esteem.

I found that as I worked a program of recovery and learned to love myself, jealousy became a thing of the past.

TakingCharge999

Thanks for showing me I can get there. Sometimes it seems so far away. Especially having it so close to me in a daily basis, is what hurts me the most. It will take longer but I will keep on working on myself. Ultimately it will be a gift for myself. In letting him go and closing the circle very well I will let go my past ways as well, I am protecting my heart more from now on. I just let anyone play with it and stab it !!!!!! Well no more!!

MeHandle

It is actually nice to read something here I just don't relate too.

However, I have been the target of the kind of jealous woman who try to destroy you because of there jealousy and the kind that try to make you look bad to someone else.

Even as a woman it is interesting to read other woman's thoughts on this.

splendra

I have been the brunt of other peoples jealousy too but not because I was dating their husband or their ex boy friend.

I think women who date someone that just came out of a relationship and/or are not divorced yet need to take it very slow and perhaps even just back off. You too could be the next person who is that easy to forget.

Looking back in hind sight if I ever become involved with anyone else I will want an account of the person's past relationships and to perhaps even have a conversation with the person's ex if possible.

I do not want to be involved with someone again who has no regard for other people's feelings. I believe someone who jumps right into a new relationship after a long term relationship has ended is unreasonable and perhaps a user. A user just about has to jump into a new relationship because they cannot survive without someone else doing their bidding for them.

You want to listen very carefully how someone talks about their ex because you could be next....