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Hindsite is 20/20—Answers I wish I’d been told and smart enough to heed in 98'

Old 02-01-2011, 06:16 PM
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Hindsite is 20/20—Answers I wish I’d been told and smart enough to heed in 98'

If you are sensitive or thin-skinned, hit the back button now, If not, feel free to read on:

1. Yes, she is an alcoholic. No, it isn’t your imagination. Exactly what you are thinking and suspecting is exactly what is happening, the way you think it’s happening, at the time you think it’s happening. You are a know-it-all in all other ways, so why are you doubting yourself now?

2. You can’t control her drinking, you didn’t cause her drinking, and you can’t cure her drinking. Love does not conquer all, and you are not a God—what makes you think you have the powers of one?

3. If you marry an alcoholic you will end up not being able to hold a job, you will lose two houses and two cars, and you will have to declare bankruptcy. Is that your aspiration for your next ten years of life?

4. Seriously? How in the **** can you possibly be considering having children with this woman? Are you out of your ******* mind?

5. She is not, in fact, your soul mate, the love of your life, your one true love, and all that other Hallmark Card, Movie of the Week ********. She is a living, breathing, normal ****** up alcoholic human being. All that romantic ******** is part of your addiction to drama/alcoholics/drug addicts so you can fly in like Batman or Florence F-ing Nightingale and save the day. It’s all in your head!!!

6. She is a far more gifted liar and manipulator than you can possibly imagine. You think you know, but you have no ******* idea. If you even suspect for a moment she is lying, she is lying. If you can’t verify the truth, assume it isn’t. And if you do decide to trust, verify first.

7. She doesn’t love alcohol more than you and your baby. That’s silly. She has no control over it. It’s not about you. It’s about the absolute fact that she is an alcoholic addict. Why on God’s green earth would you expect her to act any differently? Are you an idiot? Good God.

8. You will be raising this child, and doing so poorly, by yourself.

9. You will be raising this child, and being too critical, by yourself.

10. You will be raising this child, and teaching her to comfort herself with food, by yourself.

11. You will be doing everything by yourself.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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Old 02-01-2011, 06:24 PM
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If only there were some way to get hindsight first.
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Old 02-01-2011, 06:30 PM
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Oh if only cyrano...

Back in '95, when he was obsessing about my ex-bf(who didn't even live anywhere close to me at the time) I should've broken it off then, but no..silly codie me(because I was very much so a codie even then, before he started drinking at all) thought it was my fault for not being a virgin for him, for having dared kissed someone before him.

I would love to shake my 19 year old self and tell me to catch a clue, go to college and get the hell away from this loser.

Oh, and those answers are largely relevant to me too, In particular all the 'by yourself' ones. Particularly meaningful since he always used to tell me "I'll never leave you". Unfortunately he checked out years ago.
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Old 02-01-2011, 06:32 PM
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That was very powerful. Your honesty is admirable. Congratulations on finding answers, better late than never.
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Old 02-01-2011, 06:34 PM
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Yeah, my rewind date would have been about 1985 when I met the first Mr. HG.....ah well. I did learn alot about life, relationships, and myself with that failed marriage......

Hugs, HG
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Old 02-01-2011, 06:39 PM
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'98 was a big turning point year for me too. So we have that in common
Hindsight is great. Except I wouldn't give up those 13 years for anything. I learned a lot. Had a lot of opportunity knock on my door. I keep opening it.

You sound really angry Cyranoak.
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:05 PM
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Cyranoak... how long did it take before you were fully over this women? I am recently in the process of ending things with my Alcoholic boyfriend. Any feedback on how you dealt with the breakup would be great...
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:25 PM
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Well, Cyrano, I could have written most of that.
And the sad thing is that people here told me all of those things.
And yet, it took me four years to realize they were right.
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:56 PM
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Well, thanks for this!

For some reason, today I have been missing a couple of people who I thought were my "soul mates", which was really my codie-ness leading me into high definition hell (which was better than HDTV for the drama quotient!).

I think the bottom line for me is that for the most part, people are very, very consistent. And I include myself in that...it has only been through recovery that I've been able to make changes that are truly different, and I have to work on those changes every day--SR and Alanon are my "maintenance plans" for recovery work.

Thanks for the reminders of the crazy-making. Sometimes I get tempted to put on those blinders and pretend I can go back in time, to the so-called "good stuff" that was really just the wrapping paper on a great big huge gift of pain.

Whew. Perspective and hindsight are well-earned rewards. Thanks again for the reminders, I'm with you all the way.

Hugs,
posie
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:12 PM
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Having a better understanding of the past is important, just don't get stuck there.

You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:32 PM
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1990 was the year I first met XAH. Guess what. He was sh-t faced drunk that night. We didn't start dating until a few years later. We dated occassionally through my college career. In 1995, he helped me drive back up to Alaska after college (and held that over my head for our entire relationship BTW).

In 1998, I quit a good job and moved to Washington to support this beautiful man. I flew down and XAH drove my car down, because he wanted to drive to Fairbanks for a rugby tourney first and didn't have a car. OK.

16 years later with a few cherished happy memories and a lot of memories of h-ll. If I knew in 1990 what I know now, I do believe I'd kick our friend who introduced us in the *****, walk away and never talk to either of them again after that day.
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:46 PM
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Thanks Cyranoak for your post. I relate to most of it. I'm cranky right now at the two ex A's in my life and one N, after being used by them and left with all the responsibility. I must say though, I'd rather be cynical and roll my eyes at so-called romantic ******** than keep living with my rose coloured glasses on. If only I knew in 1989 what I know now....
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:48 PM
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This post made me cry - today I have been feeling pretty hopeless - and this list is why. Feeling exactly what is described here. I am raising a child and failing miserably at it. My teenagers are more mature. And I am far less critical with them, too.

It dawned on me today that he doesn't want to grow up. Growing up is hard. Growing up is painful. The world is full of all kinds of sharp edges and alcohol and pot really dulled those for him over the last 25 years. The rest of us were growing up and making our mistakes while he got to anesthetize himself from it all. And blame me (and zombies and the Democrats) for how miserable he is.

However, I wouldn't trade it in. I learned a lot, and didn't end up losing that much after all. Maybe a little money and a little self respect. But I loved him, even if what I loved was an alcohol fueled facade. I still loved, and that felt pretty good for a while.
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:51 PM
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As odd as it may sound.. having lived with an A and having lived through leaving an A and knowing I can't turn the clock back and warn myself of what to was to come.. I'm grateful I went through it and came out the other side.

It has made me who I am today. It brought people, places, things into my life which I would never have met/seen/done/etc had I not experienced what I experienced.

If I could turn back the clock/jump into a time machine and scoot back to one moment in time, I suppose I would visit myself in one particular (REALLY messed up) situation just before we moved in together. Already a year down the track with him, already seen enough red flags which should have sent me running for the hills.. but that final pull on the hook hadn't been made and I still had wriggle room enough to get free relatively painlessly.

I would quietly whisper to myself: 'This is a manipulation. A game. He is an alcoholic. He is not who you think he is or want him to be. THIS is who he is. You think you're so smart.. you're not.. not when it comes to this. You think he loves you.. he doesn't. You think everything will work out fine.. it won't. Trust your gut and your instincts.. that little voice you keep shussshing telling you to get into your car, drive away, don't look back'.

Tx
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Old 02-02-2011, 07:28 AM
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Yep...

...but let me be clear that it is at myself. At any time I could have made changes in myself and my life to make it much better. I chose not to. I chose to try and fix her and attempt to control everything and everyone around me.

That worked out just great.

Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
You sound really angry Cyranoak.
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Old 02-02-2011, 08:27 AM
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I strongly second what Baby Blue said.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I've always been real hard on myself too. In Al Anon, I'm learning.

I used to think of something I did/said in the past, and I'd think, "I was such a fool," or something similar. Because of Al Anon, it's becoming my habit to think, "I was doing the best I could at the time."
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Old 02-02-2011, 08:37 AM
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I wish I'd have had more confidence in my own judgement. that's it really. all of this could have been avoided if when I had acted in my own best interest and hang what anyone else thought, instead of looking for outside validation of my judgements (which wsn't forthcoming). But I didn't and now I have more, so that is good.
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Old 02-02-2011, 09:03 AM
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Spot on.

This forum is freaky. I think most of you have video cameras installed in my house. Or maybe even in my head. As it is all so familiar. No, it is more than familiar, it is eerily almost exactly the same.

What happens when people like us end up together, instead of with the people we usually choose?
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Old 02-02-2011, 09:13 AM
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Originally Posted by zrx1200R View Post
Spot on.

This forum is freaky. I think most of you have video cameras installed in my house. Or maybe even in my head. As it is all so familiar. No, it is more than familiar, it is eerily almost exactly the same.

What happens when people like us end up together, instead of with the people we usually choose?
I often wonder if I am subconciously attracted to/attracting an addictive type person. I am going through a divorce and would love to eventually meet someone else, but I am scared to death I will go down the same road. Although I do have a lot more knowledge now then I did then. My time machine would stop in 1999. This post is spot on.
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Old 02-02-2011, 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by tallulah View Post
As odd as it may sound.. having lived with an A and having lived through leaving an A and knowing I can't turn the clock back and warn myself of what to was to come.. I'm grateful I went through it and came out the other side.

It has made me who I am today. It brought people, places, things into my life which I would never have met/seen/done/etc had I not experienced what I experienced.

If I could turn back the clock/jump into a time machine and scoot back to one moment in time, I suppose I would visit myself in one particular (REALLY messed up) situation just before we moved in together. Already a year down the track with him, already seen enough red flags which should have sent me running for the hills.. but that final pull on the hook hadn't been made and I still had wriggle room enough to get free relatively painlessly.

I would quietly whisper to myself: 'This is a manipulation. A game. He is an alcoholic. He is not who you think he is or want him to be. THIS is who he is. You think you're so smart.. you're not.. not when it comes to this. You think he loves you.. he doesn't. You think everything will work out fine.. it won't. Trust your gut and your instincts.. that little voice you keep shussshing telling you to get into your car, drive away, don't look back'.

Tx
I could have written this verbatim.
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