TakingCharge999

Thanks all for your responses...

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH it just sucks to see him smiling. I want that power. Just to discard all memories and hurt, be with a new one, life's good.

But yes, if I am with someone and his ex never talks to him again.. I would wonder why? I would see it as a red flag.

An active alcoholic in deep denial, with agressive tendencies. That is how I would describe my ex now that my pink glasses are off. So no, no reason to be jealous. Not at all.

splendra

(((((Dreamer999))))))

I think you sound like you got it. Now keep it. Be gentle with yourself please...

freeflower

I used to say if I leave him and he finds andother woman and turns into the man I always wanted him to be, it will really **** me off...I don't feel that way anymore. i really wish some other woman could turn that magic key and "fix" him. I would feel great happiness for him. I know he's an A but I still wish he could find peace and happiness, even if that means with another woman.

TakingCharge999

Just wanted to thank you all again for this thread

Its like the 5th circle of grief.. or I dunno..and right now I am back to sadness and jealousy....

Now because the new gf-s name is called APRIL.. and because lately I seem to bump into F. many times a day. Today we met at the coffee room. It was totally ackward. I was tempted to say "hi" with a smile because there were other common "friends" there. But I stayed silent.

Now, there are some "fun" plans with coworkers I like, but yesterday I saw them together with F. Not sure if I want to spend more time with them. Shall I go No Contact with everyone else too? There is one common friend that just came to work for this company too. Although he is F.s friend he has also shown me support. I need a friend and can't seem to go out of this circle. Not sure who I can trust.

Please tell me I am dumb to keep on "talking" with common "friends". I mean they can gossip with him anytime right? I so want to talk sincerely with one of them and just know others notice he has a problem. Why am I seeking validation?

Sorry for the rambling. It hurts to know that no, none of them are my friends. I kind of think its separate, if they want to be friends with F. too...its a separate thing, but also, I remember my best friend Ana (who lives far away) and anyone who has seen my process these months, and of course she stopped talking to him too.

It just sucks as my real friends are far away. Perhaps I will cancel all the appointments and stay in my room, reading SR, reading Melody Beattie, attending AA/Al anon. Writing to my family. And try to get together with the few ppl I know here that do not know him.

Guess I answered my own questions...

tallulah

Well. I have no idea what my ex is doing and I am not even thinking about it. Whatever it is it isn't with me. And I shall indulge myself by saying.. poor guy.

Stuff is going to come up that makes you remember them or puts them into your orbit. I think the only thing you can do is feel what you feel.. once.. and then keep keeping on.

TakingCharge999

Thanks tallulah.
Taming the "monkey mind" is another art I am starting to learn...

Thank you for the thought, whatever he is drinking, isn't with me. That made me feel grateful.

anubus

Oh gosh, I CAN RELATE!! I'm not sure if I feel actually JEALOUS or not, maybe more of a discouraged feeling that MY life hasn't yet included as much as my X-husband's has. We split 5 years ago, and he met a younger woman 2 weeks later....has been with her ever since. He had the nerve to tell me, that he "Finally met the woman that's PERFECT for him". He tattoed her name on his arm within days of meeting her (a tattoo that he promised ME right before we split, and we were married 23 years!!). Their marriage license was in the newspaper the SAME DAY as our divorce....RIGHT IN THE NEXT COLUMN......like "side by side" to each other.....our divorce/his marriage....what a blow!! And don;t ask me where he is getting all the $$, as he's on social security disability (legally blind), but has purchased a Corvette, Mustang, Harley, 4 houses (cheap ones, but still HOUSES, while I stuggle to kEEP the mortgage/house he "dumped" on me). And the kicker.....at age 60, he is expecting his 7th baby (has 6 previous kids, 3 are to me, 3 are to 3 differnt women) to this new wife......and he doesn't give a crap about the previous 6

It took me awhile, but I don't think I'm actually JEALOUS anymore.....but I live in a very small town, so it seems like every time I turn around, he's doing or buying something else with his new wife....ugh. Meanwhile, I want more than ANYTHING to have a HUSBAND again......and instead I meet up with another A

Thanks for this thread....and sorry for the venting, but it's nice to hear that others have difficulty with X thing too in this respect.......it just doesn;t seem FAIR......ugh!!

blessed4x

I just caught my STBXAH (I love typing that) cheating last weekend. I've had suspicions for a while, and I know who she is, where she works, I've seen her profile oline.

So here's what works for me. I changed the way I see it. I turned it completely upside down, embraced it as a gift. It is the very thing that gives me the strength to move on. I can honestly say I haven't had to deal with the green monster because I'm not letting him in. His relationship with her is his stuff. It's not about her being better than me, or having something I don't have. My STBXAH (did I mention I LOVE typing that) is not a whole person unless he has someone else to make him feel that way. I could no longer be that person, so naturally he would go find someone to fill that void.

(((Dreamer))) Start believing that you are the amazing, beautiful peson you are and your focus will move to things that bring you joy.

JoBloggs

Hi Dreamer. I feel for you. I have felt that way before. If I were you I think I would try to remove myself from contact with common friends as much as possible. If they seek you out then maybe that's different but don't actively put yourself in a social setting with people who know him. You know that you don't need validation - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about your situation. I feel as though you should try and focus on you, on looking after yourself in little ways and taking small steps towards your happiness. I would go for a pedicure, to the cinema or for a long walk... something you really enjoy. Time does heal wounds, they don't go away but they move further from the surface of your being... After my mum died tragically and I was so deep in my grief, a close friend of mine who lost her daughter told me: "Life carries you on...". Allow yourself to feel what you feel and then be carried on by life to a better place.

TakingCharge999

for queenie

TakingCharge999

I like this saying:

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. - Nelson Mandela

Even at a snail's pace I am slowly learning what a waste of time jealousy is.. its based on FANTASIES... of what you IMAGINE others have... and most of the time it is not even true... now when you start reflecting on the gifts given to you daily... and the great people around you... what is left to be jealous for? nothing.

And I recall when my best girl friend was jealous when she knew I had this great job here, moving with a "lovely guy", when we went to Manzanillo... and she said "you got it all...".... well it was precisely in that beach that EX started abusing and the trip back was horrible!!

Just as she was imagining my life to be perfect the reality was WAY DIFFERENT... she was envying ME and I would have killed to be as centered as she was, not sharing a home with a drunkard who didn't give a damn about me... HAVING PEACE...

In the end its all about focusing in your life. Once you focus and realize there is abundance in this world there is "no way in hell" as a friend says, that you will be caught up thinking someone else has it better in any way.. you are too busy making plans and enjoying all that you have... at least I am reaching that point *****oooo!!

queenie88

thanks for the bump TC! this thread is really helpful in dealing with the wishful/magical thinking and the jealousy that xabf has moved on just swimmingly with his life. it still hurts to feel that he dumped me and moved on so quickly, seemingly without a care in the world. i've done some major cyber/facebook stalking (this time for good, i hope) and have compiled a folder on my desktop computer of pics of xabf either passed out drunk or acting a d*mn fool while wasted. it's called "the TRUTH" and i look at it any time i'm feeling sad or nostalgic. it's helped a little, to remind me of what i don't want in my life.

sandrawg

Here are my suggestions for overcoming these feelings.

1) write down all the junk you had to put up with from him because of his alcoholism. As you're writing it, remind yourself that he is STILL an active alcoholic, so this woman whom you're so jealous of, is probably dealing w/the same cr*p; if not, it won't be long.

2) fill your life with activities that make you happy. Take a class...learn a new skill...do things that build your self-esteem.

3) remember that the happy faces you see in that picture, or the smiling faces you see in the car, do not tell the whole story. In no way are you privy to their private life--be proud of yourself that you realized your situation and took action to get out of it. Her voyage of self-discovery with him is just getting started.

sclarke64448

[QUOTE=JenT1968;2075205]That says nothing about the reality of my experience of a relationship with them. and the odds are, that frankly, they aren't in perfect bliss, I bet there is the odd happy pic of the two of you together aren't there? and the camera OFTEN lies I find.

TC, darling TC, how you've helped me in my two months on this site. And how I feel I've come a long way due to you, Jadmack, Queenie, Bookwyrm, Naive, et al.

Jen is absolutely right. Take the picture as a snapshot. They're hardly likely to put one up of themselves looking miserable and scorning each other, are they?

Just recently I opened my profile for everyone to see. (It's largely for xabf's new girlfriend as opposed to him - I don't particularly like the woman but I pity her, and I pity more her poor children so am trying to show her there's life after him. And the current gfs are always jealous of the exes and check them out aren't they? Or is that just me!!!!).

I don't claim to be the catch of the century but you will probably recall from my very first posts that I am a privately educated career girl. I don't claim to be drop dead gorgeous, though having spent most of my twenties on cigarettes and three stone overweight I now do everything to take care of myself and my appearance - go to the gym regularly, etc, and dress very well, drive a nice car, etc. It was one of the reasons why the ex loved showing me off - plus his mates loved my accent, so he thought he had a trophy girlfriend.

My advantage here is the ex's new woman knows me and knows our friends. I feel I was very popular among them. We lived 30 miles apart and if he joked about cheating, etc, as he had the oportunity, they'd say stuff like 'He daren't bring another girl in this pub - he'd have to get past us first', etc. Since the ex broke up with me many of his friends attempted to keep in touch, some on fb, one rang me, one friend requested me, I've since seen another. I don't ever instigate contact with any of them but I will send a friendly reply even now if I hear from them. I have never once mentioned his or her name to them - I thought I'd handle the break up with a bit of style and class (at least on the surface - you all know different on this site!!!):rotfxko

The biggest advantage of me opening my profile is I know she will be looking at it. And if she's thinking she's got one up on me, she'll soon be realising I don't think the same. My posts are full of my girlie weekend ventures, my ambitions to re-train as a gym instructor, my quality time with my family and a busy, hectic social life, (with more money now he's gone!!) Out of the blue I've had friends from school contact me sending lovely messages, saying I look 'fab', 'no different from school' etc, which I thought I'd leave on display there. Now I don't mind telling all you fellow SRs this is all the snapshots of my life I want to portray to those two. They don't tell the whole story. Of course I have my dwelling, obsessive moments, but they're not going to be posted on FB, not by me or anyone else. I am posting every one of my happy moments so she knows there is life after him. Would I rather be in her shoes - a single mother with four young children under 10 (by four different fathers nonetheless) stuck at home night after night with an alcoholic boyfriend who has only just started working for the first time in four years and probably won't last at his job - let alone support her family?

Or would I rather be out there, looking after me, spending quality time with lots of people in my life that matter (not just one person who I naively thought was the be all and end all - in the end he was sod all !!!!) and showing this poor girl, who I pity, that there is life after him.

And now I'm packing for my holiday to Majorca.

Unfortunately my laptop's broken so I'll be off this site for the next week or so. Love to you all, stay strong.
XX

BS08

Hey TC, I hear ya and have been dealing with this a bit this week.

One thing I keep in mind that helps bring me back is that no matter how he is treating someone else, no matter what he is doing with someone else or if he has somehow magically changed with someone else, the only thing that matters to me is how he treated ME!!! Was his behavior appropriate, respectful, human, loving and decent towards me? No, far from it. I don't care how he treats her, he treated me like **** and I know I'm worth more than that. I wouldn't tolerate that from a friend, let alone a boyfriend. Would you tolerate a friend treating you this way? No, so boot him out. Totally. The only way I'd actually think of him as anywhere near a decent human being and maybe even recovering is if he gave me the apology and validation of his treatment of me and my feelings I deserve/taking responsibility for his actions. But that's never going to happen. It's stupid to think that you're the only one they've done this too. I read my exs journal from 2002 where he did the same thing to the girlfriend back then that he did to me. There it is in black and white. I'm not the only one. The girlfriend before me he described to a friend as "rafting groupie who's gonna get it". Internally he has no respect for others, externally he tries to show that, but it's a show.

And if he is treating her better, why do you think you didn't deserve the same? You did. Someone who can't treat ALL people, no matter who they are, with kindness, decency and respect is someone that can't treat anyone with it!! If you have these true qualities in your personality, they don't just show up for your convenience or for only certain people. Sorry. I want someone standing by me that wouldn't even THINK about treating anyone this way!! That's someone I'll be proud to have by my side. Not some 46 year old man-child, alcoholic, pot smoking, financially wrecked ski patroller skiing with another woman on his hill in a thong. He has no dignity, shame or respect for others. Remember, he thinks the way he treated you is okay since he's never acknowledge it to you. That sums it up I think.

I think going NC totally is the way to go. I've been fighting for the past week not to go on my ex's FB site (it will be easy to get on to now), but I won't go there. I remember how it feels everytime I've looked at it and I want to move past it. I can't give him that power anymore. I'm stronger than him. I post here, or like today, bashed it out on my mt bike with a good friend in beautiful mt scenery. I took gratitude for the day today.

Hang in there TC. I'm with you with how you feel but remember you don't deserve to be treated that way. And as Bluejay said to me when this all started, I was not put on this Earth to be treated this way. It is not love...

Take it a day at a time....

queenie88

awesome post BS08, thanks! good for you for going NC even via facebook...i haven't worked up the courage to go that far yet. one day at a time.

Linkmeister

I second that. I blocked my Ex husband and some of his friends who liked to spy on my page. It's a handy little tool when a punching bag isn't handy......

BS08

It hard, but I refuse to give in. Keep working on it! You'll get there....

sclarke64448

Hi everyone

I just picked back up on this thread after being away for a week. I was thinking about it a lot while I was away actually. It's such a comfort, when you think you're the only one out there going through this misery, that there are so many decent people out there going through almost exactly the same. It's weird how frighteningly similar our exes sound.

I got back home last night. My sister was on her lap top and I asked her to have a quick look at my ex's page. Do you know he looked fabulous. I think it may have been taken at his dad's wedding in July (I was supposed to go :-( never mind!) and he's there is a white shirt, white tie, looking the picture of health and happy. Even my sister commented how well he looked. He was standing there with his son and daughter, all three of them beaming away. He looked really well on the picture he last had on his profile, before I went away too. But do you know what? I showed my sister some pictures I still have of him. There's three or four of them in particular where he looks fantastic.

Only at the time they were taken he was not fantastic. One was right at the beginning of our relationship. He was drinking heavily, had just moved into a homeless hostel, was estranged from his ex, children, parents, brother. The picture doesn't tell that.

There's another one of him, which is perhaps my favourite, where he looks well and happy. Only he wasn't. At this time he wasn't seeing the children, wasn't seeing the dad, the brother still didn't want to know and he still hadn't seen his dad in more than a year in this time.

There was another one of him and me at a wedding.

Again, not great.

So pictures are really a fantastic way of capturing that moment which ideally will show you at your 'best'.

One thing I am really, really puzzled about now though is, his ex is a very very feisty character and wouldn't let me meet the kids for three years. She didn't want him introducing a succession of gfs to her as it hardly sets a good example. She's very strict with her daughter and before we split my ex told me she had phoned their daughter up on her mobile at school and ordered her straight home after, because she'd found out the daughter had set herself up on FB. (She's only 12 but can easily pass for 16 or 17). Recently ex had become a friend of the daughter's on FB, as had his current partner but there was no sign of the mother. So I thought well if he and his new woman are friends with her he's still lying to his ex - as there surely is no way she would allow someone else to meet the daughter within just three or four months of me meeting her so things can't have changed that much. Last night I get home and daughter is now friends with all three. Though ex and new woman aren't friends with his ex. So now are they all friends? Has the new woman blocked the ex so she won't see their friends? Is this woman who has four children by four fathers and lives on the doorstep better than me? I wouldn't have thought that was a good example for a 12 year old girl and eight year old boy. Has he told her he doesn't care what she thinks?

It dawned on me, the same way BS08 said above, it doesn't matter now. As that is their business and none of mine. My business is me.

Incidentally, following on from my reading of Co-Dependent No More I have bought another book, Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men? And like a few of us on here have discussed whether are exes are treating their current partners any better than us, here's an extract....

"Throughout my years of working with controlling and abusive men my colleagues and I have been strict about always talking to the woman, whom our client has mistreated, whether or not the couple is still together. And, if he has started a new relationship we talk with his current partner as well, which is part of how we became aware of the ways in which abusive men continue their patterns from one relationship to the next....'

I do believe she will learn of his true colours some day soon - this has confirmed that belief.

TakingCharge999

Well I am feeling way better now.

I guess I no longer have clouded vision and know who XABF really is. When I ponder this without pink glasses, jealousy just isn't there. Jealousy of what. Being abused?? Sheesh.

Also I no longer believe he has changed at all. And even if he had. Not worth the eggshells.


I know I have done many things to change my own ways, it has been 2 years and its still small and slow and there is so much to do.... even giving it your best effort it takes all you got, and it takes being consistent.... he is years light away from anything that smells like recovery, how could he have changed?

Thanks all for helping me understand this. Clarity! how wonderful.