Step Study - Step 1
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Well, my start in Al Anon came when I was so beaten, so broken, so worn out from trying to control someone's drinking and drugging. I had tried everything I knew to do to control my AD ... EVERYTHING ... and I was flat out of ideas. So as the insistance of a counselor at my AD's outpatient rehab, I attended my first meeting. And there I was introduced to the idea of being powerless.
Admitting powerlessness was scary for me because that meant I wouldn't have control of my AD and the situation. Then someone in the meeteing pointed out that I never had the control to start off with. It was only an illusion in my mixed up head. I think that's called my "stinkin' thinkin'".
I think about the times I've tried to control my children, my husband, or anyone. They really don't like it nor can I do it. Trust me, I've tried but to no avail.
When I finally came to accept that I am totally powerless over anyone but myself, I felt a freedom. No longer did I have to run the world!
I thank my HP for bringing me to Al Anon, introducing me to the steps, showing me that I only have the power to change myself. And I really do NOT know what everyone else should be doing with their life. Heck, my HP has shown me I hardly know what to do with MY life, much less anyone else's! But day by day, we (my HP and me) are making it, working on the things in my life.
Powerless? Oh yeah, I'm powerless over these other folks in my life who aren't doing what I want them to do. What a TOTALLY FREEING thing to learn!
Admitting powerlessness was scary for me because that meant I wouldn't have control of my AD and the situation. Then someone in the meeteing pointed out that I never had the control to start off with. It was only an illusion in my mixed up head. I think that's called my "stinkin' thinkin'".
I think about the times I've tried to control my children, my husband, or anyone. They really don't like it nor can I do it. Trust me, I've tried but to no avail.
When I finally came to accept that I am totally powerless over anyone but myself, I felt a freedom. No longer did I have to run the world!
I thank my HP for bringing me to Al Anon, introducing me to the steps, showing me that I only have the power to change myself. And I really do NOT know what everyone else should be doing with their life. Heck, my HP has shown me I hardly know what to do with MY life, much less anyone else's! But day by day, we (my HP and me) are making it, working on the things in my life.
Powerless? Oh yeah, I'm powerless over these other folks in my life who aren't doing what I want them to do. What a TOTALLY FREEING thing to learn!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Cat Great idea! (Getting my shades too! 
)
I started attending Al-Anon meetings 2 years ago-It took me 7 years to admit to myself and my counselor who hounded me to go-that I was powerless over my unmangeable LIFE! I thought "Hey counseling works I do not need Al-Anon or those steps!" WRONG!
I have and continue to do the steps....as it gives me strength and helps me to maintain a life that I never had before.
Powerless is what I was and denial is what I lived for years!....I grew up in my home with A's roaming about-Frying pans hitting heads, lamps being thrown at me, being chased by wooden spoons, being locked out of the house if I was 2 minutes late and having to sleep in the basement because the windows we could get through but not the door to the house! Among many more horrific things to have to go through as a child! I thought I was in control-as long as I kept out of the way and kept my mouth shut all was good-Nope!
As I grew older and after my husband passed (Not an A) I had lost myself all over again-oh wait I never found myself! This was when I started in counseling and started to learn that my life was a mess and I was powerless over it all! I was angry, unhappy, without feeling. It was time to change! My counselor helped to guide me to gain control of my life-(or so I thought) it was ME that was not totally doing the work! (I thought I was still in control) nope! I dated an A and had my life shattered into pieces once again....it was then that I said hey this Al-Anon thing and steps might be a way to really gain my life back once and for all!
With a sponsor, Al-Anon, SR, My HP and STEPS! I have gained control-I have triggers and set backs as we all do but, today I can see them and take control and figure out the solution! It is a grand feeling!
Today I accept things I cannot change! I have found courage to change the things I can, and I now have the wisdom to know the difference!
Progress not perfection! I still am a work in progress and LOVE IT!
)I started attending Al-Anon meetings 2 years ago-It took me 7 years to admit to myself and my counselor who hounded me to go-that I was powerless over my unmangeable LIFE! I thought "Hey counseling works I do not need Al-Anon or those steps!" WRONG!
I have and continue to do the steps....as it gives me strength and helps me to maintain a life that I never had before.
Powerless is what I was and denial is what I lived for years!....I grew up in my home with A's roaming about-Frying pans hitting heads, lamps being thrown at me, being chased by wooden spoons, being locked out of the house if I was 2 minutes late and having to sleep in the basement because the windows we could get through but not the door to the house! Among many more horrific things to have to go through as a child! I thought I was in control-as long as I kept out of the way and kept my mouth shut all was good-Nope!
As I grew older and after my husband passed (Not an A) I had lost myself all over again-oh wait I never found myself! This was when I started in counseling and started to learn that my life was a mess and I was powerless over it all! I was angry, unhappy, without feeling. It was time to change! My counselor helped to guide me to gain control of my life-(or so I thought) it was ME that was not totally doing the work! (I thought I was still in control) nope! I dated an A and had my life shattered into pieces once again....it was then that I said hey this Al-Anon thing and steps might be a way to really gain my life back once and for all!
With a sponsor, Al-Anon, SR, My HP and STEPS! I have gained control-I have triggers and set backs as we all do but, today I can see them and take control and figure out the solution! It is a grand feeling!
Today I accept things I cannot change! I have found courage to change the things I can, and I now have the wisdom to know the difference!
Progress not perfection! I still am a work in progress and LOVE IT!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
The Lord's Prayer in some cases, when it's not the serenity prayer
otherwise known as the "our father"
"Our Father, Who Art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from ego,
For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory
Forever and ever."
Amen.
I change one small word
otherwise known as the "our father"
"Our Father, Who Art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from ego,
For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory
Forever and ever."
Amen.
I change one small word
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
One Al Anon group I attend opens with "The Serenity Prayer" and ends with "The Declaration":
"Whenever anyone anywhere reaches out for help, may the hand of Al Anon/Al Ateen always be there, and let it begin with me."
"Whenever anyone anywhere reaches out for help, may the hand of Al Anon/Al Ateen always be there, and let it begin with me."
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Someone told me that when we try to control someone else, we give them all the power. Because if they do what we want, we are pleased, but if they do not we are angry or sad or frustrated. We gave them the power over how we would feel.
In a meeting the other night I said that due to alcohol we focus our power in places where it does the least good, and we become powerless. Ann's post helps me see this.
The 1st step had been kind of a stumbling block for me. Years ago when I attended a few alanon meetings I just didn't get it. I was out of college and on my own and all those years of growing up in an alcoholic family were in the past - so the present tense 'are powerless' didn't make sense. I was also copying my AF's outlook on trauma/mourning/struggles - 'just forget it, put it behind you, ect, ect'
Yes - taking advice on dealing with the past from an A!:wtf2
Another bad job review, another lost relationship, a lost brother, mix in a bunch of stress, and its no longer in the past. It is now.
Sooooo...I'm back.
Step one makes sense now.
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
My angel sponsor (she died suddenly a few yrs ago) always asked me what step I was working on ... and my answer was ALWAYS Step One and Step XXX.
The more I work this program, the more things I find over which I am powerless. Today, the difference is that I can see it much more quickly. I am powerless over my kids and their choices, my mom and her health, my boss and her whims, etc etc. Powerlessness isn't a place of weakness, it's a place of strength for me.
When I need a visual of powerlessness, I envision myself going outside in a blinding rain storm, raising my fist to the sky and yelling STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!
Thanks everyone for your input. I'll probably post Step Two on Tuesday.
The more I work this program, the more things I find over which I am powerless. Today, the difference is that I can see it much more quickly. I am powerless over my kids and their choices, my mom and her health, my boss and her whims, etc etc. Powerlessness isn't a place of weakness, it's a place of strength for me.
When I need a visual of powerlessness, I envision myself going outside in a blinding rain storm, raising my fist to the sky and yelling STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!
Thanks everyone for your input. I'll probably post Step Two on Tuesday.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Thanks for this, I am unable to attend Alanon for the moment (although I’m having counselling) and would like to get into a habit of doing some work (although it would be better with a sponsor).
Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
that our lives had become unmanageable.
Well, I never had any problems with admitting/accepting/broadcasting this one. My life is/was unmanageable, and I was shouting such at my H daily. Shan’t rehash the details here, none of it will be unique or surprising.
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol
The first bit though, that made no sense to me. Alcohol, to me, is an object like a cup: I admitted I was powerless over cups??? What???
Alcohol is a chemical, I can take it or leave it, have a sip or 5 drinks, whatever I decide. I used it at work daily as a biocide to disinfect surfaces/implements/my gloves in my lab, occasionally I had set it on fire as a fuel, I have used it to flavour sauces, I have used it to complement food, I have used it to ease my mood. It is my tool, like bleach, or a fork. Doesn’t appear to be much powerlessness there, and it certainly holds no power over me.
At my alanon group, I questioned this, and someone said that this was because we worked the AA steps and that for us it may mean something along the lines of “we admitted we were powerless over people/places/things”. Well, that incensed me. Why were we stuck working THEIR steps, why didn’t we have our own? ones that were properly meaningful for us instead of having to work extra hard trying to find meaning in THEIR tools. That felt like a reflection of the battles of my daily life anyway: all about him, and his needs, and his reality. I was soooo annoyed that I just dropped the idea of the steps completely at that point.
(apologies for the emphasis in the para above, It’s how I felt at the time: I was very angry).
I agreed that “powerless over people/places/things” was appropriate and grudgingly started to try and get my head around that (still seething over the wording of step 1 though). Intellectually I get it, and as far as H goes I *think* I am pretty much there, (although I also expect that in the future I’ll look back on this and see I still had a way to go: progress not perfection ).
I rarely expect anything from him, and am trying to make that never. My moments of surprise at the latest development are fleeting and more of an “ahhh, so that’s what you’re up to now” with a tinge of sorrow, than an incandescent rage of “how dare you???? How could you do that to me/us”. He sinks or swims on his own now and I no longer try to interfere or take on any responsibility for his relationships with work/friends/family, his money, his job, his health, his mind and certainly not his drinking. I look after me and the children, and I am choosing to stay for the moment, because every month that I do makes our future more secure financially when I do leave.
Other people though, and my children, I struggle with the powerlessness there. I recognize the truth of this but am not very good at stopping myself behaving as if I can change other people. I still have an overwhelming need to be liked, and I am stuck trying to make new friends because all I can see me doing is trying to manipulate people into liking me by being really kind, changing myself to how I think they want me to be or being inappropriately open about my mental health/life issues forcing them to feel sorry for me.
I also struggle with the balance of power/powerlessness of good parenting. I recognize what is unhealthy, but don’t know what to replace it with. Many of my (taught) parenting behaviours and language have undertones of shame-inducing or denial of people’s right to be (“don’t be silly”/ “stop being so stroppy”) or feel. I would like it if the world could stop for a bit whilst I learned to do things better.
So step 1 is very much a work in process for me, I may be here for some time. As for the wording, although it still irks me a little, I now accept that I am powerless over alcohol: I can’t change what it is or what it does: I can’t make it be anything other than alcohol: with everything that therefore entails.
Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
that our lives had become unmanageable.
Well, I never had any problems with admitting/accepting/broadcasting this one. My life is/was unmanageable, and I was shouting such at my H daily. Shan’t rehash the details here, none of it will be unique or surprising.
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol
The first bit though, that made no sense to me. Alcohol, to me, is an object like a cup: I admitted I was powerless over cups??? What???
Alcohol is a chemical, I can take it or leave it, have a sip or 5 drinks, whatever I decide. I used it at work daily as a biocide to disinfect surfaces/implements/my gloves in my lab, occasionally I had set it on fire as a fuel, I have used it to flavour sauces, I have used it to complement food, I have used it to ease my mood. It is my tool, like bleach, or a fork. Doesn’t appear to be much powerlessness there, and it certainly holds no power over me.
At my alanon group, I questioned this, and someone said that this was because we worked the AA steps and that for us it may mean something along the lines of “we admitted we were powerless over people/places/things”. Well, that incensed me. Why were we stuck working THEIR steps, why didn’t we have our own? ones that were properly meaningful for us instead of having to work extra hard trying to find meaning in THEIR tools. That felt like a reflection of the battles of my daily life anyway: all about him, and his needs, and his reality. I was soooo annoyed that I just dropped the idea of the steps completely at that point.
(apologies for the emphasis in the para above, It’s how I felt at the time: I was very angry).
I agreed that “powerless over people/places/things” was appropriate and grudgingly started to try and get my head around that (still seething over the wording of step 1 though). Intellectually I get it, and as far as H goes I *think* I am pretty much there, (although I also expect that in the future I’ll look back on this and see I still had a way to go: progress not perfection ).
I rarely expect anything from him, and am trying to make that never. My moments of surprise at the latest development are fleeting and more of an “ahhh, so that’s what you’re up to now” with a tinge of sorrow, than an incandescent rage of “how dare you???? How could you do that to me/us”. He sinks or swims on his own now and I no longer try to interfere or take on any responsibility for his relationships with work/friends/family, his money, his job, his health, his mind and certainly not his drinking. I look after me and the children, and I am choosing to stay for the moment, because every month that I do makes our future more secure financially when I do leave.
Other people though, and my children, I struggle with the powerlessness there. I recognize the truth of this but am not very good at stopping myself behaving as if I can change other people. I still have an overwhelming need to be liked, and I am stuck trying to make new friends because all I can see me doing is trying to manipulate people into liking me by being really kind, changing myself to how I think they want me to be or being inappropriately open about my mental health/life issues forcing them to feel sorry for me.
I also struggle with the balance of power/powerlessness of good parenting. I recognize what is unhealthy, but don’t know what to replace it with. Many of my (taught) parenting behaviours and language have undertones of shame-inducing or denial of people’s right to be (“don’t be silly”/ “stop being so stroppy”) or feel. I would like it if the world could stop for a bit whilst I learned to do things better.
So step 1 is very much a work in process for me, I may be here for some time. As for the wording, although it still irks me a little, I now accept that I am powerless over alcohol: I can’t change what it is or what it does: I can’t make it be anything other than alcohol: with everything that therefore entails.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Was thinking just last week when I momentarily whigged out about something my AD said (I did say momentarily...only had a slight relapse 
), and about how I have to work this program every day, I mean E V E R Y D A Y!! So thankful that I do have meetings to attend because I need reminding by my recovering friends that it's progress, not perfection.
So when I do have those little relapses and actually say to my sponsor or a fellow Al Anoner, "But, but, but ....", I am reminded that when I do that, I am on Step NONE.
I like Step One better even if it is a little harder to work. Step NONE offers me nothing.
), and about how I have to work this program every day, I mean E V E R Y D A Y!! So thankful that I do have meetings to attend because I need reminding by my recovering friends that it's progress, not perfection.So when I do have those little relapses and actually say to my sponsor or a fellow Al Anoner, "But, but, but ....", I am reminded that when I do that, I am on Step NONE.
I like Step One better even if it is a little harder to work. Step NONE offers me nothing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
When I first came to Al-Anon I thought I had already achieved this first step because I had stopped enabling his drinking and I had detached by mentally tuning him out when he was talking whilst drinking. I even started journalling about the second step.
My latest effort last week where I manipulated and forced him to attend an AA meeting has made me realise that I had tried to force a solution. He said the words I wanted to hear "I will go to AA" but it wasn't coming from within him but as a reaction to the things I was saying. He desparately wants the marriage to continue as I do and we are both trying to achieve this in dishonest and unhealthy ways.
A few days later I felt so defeated and beaten and depressed. I hadn't won anything. My husband's sobriety is not my battle. He will not recover because I have had enough of it all. He has got to reach that point of defeat. I think I have some more insight into the first step because I see it as a complete surrender. A feeling of "I give up on everything." I have to stop trying so hard. It doesn't work.
My latest effort last week where I manipulated and forced him to attend an AA meeting has made me realise that I had tried to force a solution. He said the words I wanted to hear "I will go to AA" but it wasn't coming from within him but as a reaction to the things I was saying. He desparately wants the marriage to continue as I do and we are both trying to achieve this in dishonest and unhealthy ways.
A few days later I felt so defeated and beaten and depressed. I hadn't won anything. My husband's sobriety is not my battle. He will not recover because I have had enough of it all. He has got to reach that point of defeat. I think I have some more insight into the first step because I see it as a complete surrender. A feeling of "I give up on everything." I have to stop trying so hard. It doesn't work.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
For me, step 1, 2 and 3 are so interrelated that I cannot separate them. I delved into these 3 steps long before I started to deal with my then AH and all the issues I have from my marriage to him and my childhood with 2 alcoholic parents. These steps were part of my spiritual growth, a lot of which took place in the year or so before I decided to leave now xAH. I found myself seeking a deeper relationship with God and had an epiphany when I was studying Proverbs. Lord knows how many times I had read this verse before it sunk in on a gut level:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and look not to your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)
Through prayer and further study, I came to realize that I had to let go of my unexistent control of my many areas of my life and trust in God. I learned to do what I could about "things" and to trust that God would lead me where I needed to go or do or be.
When I started dealing with AH's alcholism and its effects on me, it came naturally to hand him over to God's care and let go.
When I started dealing with my own issues of codependency, it took effort to admit to that particular label for myself. I resisted it for quite some time. But again, my willingness to trust in God made it natural to accept that I was out of control in this area of my life and that it was unmanageable.
Time and again I have found that when I resist and don't trust in God, I make my life more difficult than it need be.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and look not to your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)
Through prayer and further study, I came to realize that I had to let go of my unexistent control of my many areas of my life and trust in God. I learned to do what I could about "things" and to trust that God would lead me where I needed to go or do or be.
When I started dealing with AH's alcholism and its effects on me, it came naturally to hand him over to God's care and let go.
When I started dealing with my own issues of codependency, it took effort to admit to that particular label for myself. I resisted it for quite some time. But again, my willingness to trust in God made it natural to accept that I was out of control in this area of my life and that it was unmanageable.
Time and again I have found that when I resist and don't trust in God, I make my life more difficult than it need be.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
I have to work the first step everyday, to remember that I am powerless over others. My life gets very unmanageable when I start focusing on someone else's problems. I have to turn them over to my higher power and trust him to help them. Sometimes its so hard because I have this strong feeling that there must be something I can or should do, it just doesn't feel right to not do anything. But I know I can only change myself..I have to admit I am powerless.....
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
I have made progress - from Step 2 to Step 1! 
In a post for the Step 2 thread, I said I was a bit p***** off at HP for, well, just being a HP. I 'came to believe' that there was a power greater than myself and I didn't like it. It wasn't a thought process- it was just my reaction.
The resentment has gone away, mostly. Now today I can see a thing that I must give up, a thing that I felt, as in semi-subconscious id/ego stuff, made me powerful: a little and constant stream of passive-aggressive acts and thoughts against just about everyone. This is a powerless action, originating from self-centered fear - I am trying to exert control and it aint' happenin'.
This resentment leads to another kind of control, but it is kind of counter-intuitive (keep reading - I'll try to make sense): The resentment and fear give a emotional excuse to, well, make excuses, to be irresponsible, to procrastinate, to not take responsibility for all those things one is responsible for (work, taxes, paying bills), and to hide from the boss.
Making excuses and avoiding responsibility is a trait of non-recovery Alcoholics, and I think I have learned it all too well. My AM (I apologize if this sounds like a 'its all my parents' fault' whine) was an extreme example. She took the blame for everything wrong in our family but at the same time gave up control over her own life and anything in the family to my AF (who didn't want it). It is impossible to give up control like this and I think it is actually a power play -pushing responsibility into other's hands. You might call it 'playing victim'. I loved her - it was awful to watch.
That is what I am doing (me, not AF or AM): trying to exert power with resentment and evading responsibility. Utterly powerless, as I now know.
That is a bit of Step 4 there, and 5, and well maybe 6 too. Hmmm - 8 too?
And a bit of typical ACOA self-bashing is in there too.
Did I mention that it has made my life unmanagable??
In a post for the Step 2 thread, I said I was a bit p***** off at HP for, well, just being a HP. I 'came to believe' that there was a power greater than myself and I didn't like it. It wasn't a thought process- it was just my reaction.
The resentment has gone away, mostly. Now today I can see a thing that I must give up, a thing that I felt, as in semi-subconscious id/ego stuff, made me powerful: a little and constant stream of passive-aggressive acts and thoughts against just about everyone. This is a powerless action, originating from self-centered fear - I am trying to exert control and it aint' happenin'.
This resentment leads to another kind of control, but it is kind of counter-intuitive (keep reading - I'll try to make sense): The resentment and fear give a emotional excuse to, well, make excuses, to be irresponsible, to procrastinate, to not take responsibility for all those things one is responsible for (work, taxes, paying bills), and to hide from the boss.
Making excuses and avoiding responsibility is a trait of non-recovery Alcoholics, and I think I have learned it all too well. My AM (I apologize if this sounds like a 'its all my parents' fault' whine) was an extreme example. She took the blame for everything wrong in our family but at the same time gave up control over her own life and anything in the family to my AF (who didn't want it). It is impossible to give up control like this and I think it is actually a power play -pushing responsibility into other's hands. You might call it 'playing victim'. I loved her - it was awful to watch.
That is what I am doing (me, not AF or AM): trying to exert power with resentment and evading responsibility. Utterly powerless, as I now know.
That is a bit of Step 4 there, and 5, and well maybe 6 too. Hmmm - 8 too?
And a bit of typical ACOA self-bashing is in there too.
Did I mention that it has made my life unmanagable??
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
I know that my husband is powerless over alcohol affects and that his life is unmanageable evidenced some because I and our children do not receive the relational healthiness that a husband/father shares in the life of his loved ones, much related to alcohol’s affects. I know that I am powerless over his heart and actions . He does not manage appropriate communication levels which crosses into all areas of daily life because one is powerless over all their other disciplines if no disciplines is applied to consuming/dwell what impairs them at a basic level, whether it be the stronghold of a physical drug and/or the stronghold of an unhealthy emotional nature.
I know that I am powerless over one choices to consume alcohol and its affects as I am powerless over any another person’s decisions to consume/dwell with what impairs them.
I found that a life that was unmanageable, because of my issues, not my husband’s issues, became manageable by receiving God’s unconditional love for me and applying his truths inwardly and outwardly in my life and living it out and treating others with this same love. When I fall short , which I often do, I manage my shame seeing my sin for what it is and remembering Jesus bore it so I may be released to honor Him afresh. I know and submit to this power though His Spirit. I am not left powerless that I must submit to my flesh and its sinful desires because His strength is in me.
Because I am powerless over someone elses consumption of alcohol and AH unmanageable life, I am choosing to pray for him : that AH will submit to the power of the Spirit that does not leave him powerless, through the Spirit, to the stronghold of alcohol and/or an unbalanced internal shameful emotional state. I also pray for myself in regards to a life managed by the power of God’s Spirit instead of my strength.
I know that I am powerless over one choices to consume alcohol and its affects as I am powerless over any another person’s decisions to consume/dwell with what impairs them.
I found that a life that was unmanageable, because of my issues, not my husband’s issues, became manageable by receiving God’s unconditional love for me and applying his truths inwardly and outwardly in my life and living it out and treating others with this same love. When I fall short , which I often do, I manage my shame seeing my sin for what it is and remembering Jesus bore it so I may be released to honor Him afresh. I know and submit to this power though His Spirit. I am not left powerless that I must submit to my flesh and its sinful desires because His strength is in me.
Because I am powerless over someone elses consumption of alcohol and AH unmanageable life, I am choosing to pray for him : that AH will submit to the power of the Spirit that does not leave him powerless, through the Spirit, to the stronghold of alcohol and/or an unbalanced internal shameful emotional state. I also pray for myself in regards to a life managed by the power of God’s Spirit instead of my strength.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I'm glad this thread is here as I have joined a different al-anon group nearer to my mother's house (where I'm staying now) and I finally have a sponsor and am really working the steps the right way. Before I did the steps myself and now realize that I did it half heartly and figured that magic would happen - I changed in some ways but not in the more important areas. Well, I am starting over from scratch as I finally have the opportunity to work on myself now that AH and I are seperated.
Well, here goes:
Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable
This step is hard for me because I feel I have to “fix” everything so that everything was fine and there was no conflict and everybody was happy. I’ve tried in the past to “fix” my AH’s problem by making a list of money spent in one month and showing him how much he was spending at the bar. I’ve sat in the chair after he was home and drunk and listened to him rant and rave about how rough his life was and how nobody at home understood him or cared, etc, until he went to sleep, and I kept hoping that his would satisfy him and he wouldn’t drink again tomorrow because he let out all of his frustration the night before because I showed I cared. I also would pay attention to him when he came in the door and bring him his meal or cook him one as soon as he found his way to his chair at whatever time he happened to come home. I would drop whatever I was doing and cater to him. I would help cover him with a blanket and give him the remote to try to please him so that he would be happier and not yell. But none of it worked, of course and I was left with a lot of bottled up anger and frustration and bitterness. He would always return to the bar and the scene at home would be repeated again and again with very few variations except for one of his temper tantrums now and then - and of course it never worked. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I did everything he asked and expected from a “good wife” but he kept drinking and I kept complaining to whoever would listen (been here a long time and it's a broken record people are hearing from me now, I'm sure).
Well, step one is the answer to why none of my catering to him and showering him with attention and anything he desired did not work. It was never enough and never could be enough because I didn’t recognize the real problem - I was driving myself crazy trying to control something that I could not control no matter how hard I tried. My life was a mess because all I did was focus on him and his drinking - almost all day long. It is hard for me to admit that I am powerless over his drinking and his alcoholic moods and his alcoholic attitudes towards everything and the only one I could control is myself. I lost myself in HIS needs and sacrificed my own to please him and try to stop him from drinking. My life had really become unmanageable and I was a wreak physically, spiritually, and mentally. I was depressed and tired all of the time and didn’t have much energy to do simple tasks around the house. I need to pound this into my head, but it is so hard to accept at this point and changing a lifetime habit it difficult.
I’m working hard on this step and trying to get my mind around it and grasp it with both hands still, however, it is hard, but I know that I’ll get there. I still try to make him happy sometimes because I am so afraid that he will be angry with me and say something mean or be nasty or throw a tantrum. When I was little it was “bad” for ME to be angry and mad - but it was OK if someone else was angry or mad or very mean to me verbally or physically, but I was “bad“ if I was the cause of making them angry with me, I was a downright evil piece of dirt if I caused it and it was always my fault (at least that's what I was told by certain adults in my life) and I deserved poor treatment for "making" them angry. After a while I figured that something must be wrong with me because I didn‘t have the right to feel anger but everyone else could be angry and mean to me and treat me however they wanted - I wasn‘t good enough to have the right to feel my feelings or vent my anger. I was told I was selfish and even hit sometimes if I was angry with someone - thus the way to prevent from being hurt was to deny that you were angry and try to make the other person happy and cater to them because they had the right to hurt you in any way they felt, but I was “bad” if I stood up for myself (that would "make" people angry) or was the cause of their anger. It is scary to know that I cannot control how someone else feels about me or how they will react to me so this step is hard for me to grasp as I have been trying to control people all of my life to prevent myself from being hurt. It is also foreign to know that I have a right to feel angry and to let someone know it.
I wonder why I married a man who even in times of being sober gets very angry at the smallest things. Maybe it is because it is because it was what I was used to or maybe it is because this is one area of my life that I needed to work on and get clear of in order to really live the life I am supposed to live.
Well, here goes:
Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable
This step is hard for me because I feel I have to “fix” everything so that everything was fine and there was no conflict and everybody was happy. I’ve tried in the past to “fix” my AH’s problem by making a list of money spent in one month and showing him how much he was spending at the bar. I’ve sat in the chair after he was home and drunk and listened to him rant and rave about how rough his life was and how nobody at home understood him or cared, etc, until he went to sleep, and I kept hoping that his would satisfy him and he wouldn’t drink again tomorrow because he let out all of his frustration the night before because I showed I cared. I also would pay attention to him when he came in the door and bring him his meal or cook him one as soon as he found his way to his chair at whatever time he happened to come home. I would drop whatever I was doing and cater to him. I would help cover him with a blanket and give him the remote to try to please him so that he would be happier and not yell. But none of it worked, of course and I was left with a lot of bottled up anger and frustration and bitterness. He would always return to the bar and the scene at home would be repeated again and again with very few variations except for one of his temper tantrums now and then - and of course it never worked. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I did everything he asked and expected from a “good wife” but he kept drinking and I kept complaining to whoever would listen (been here a long time and it's a broken record people are hearing from me now, I'm sure).
Well, step one is the answer to why none of my catering to him and showering him with attention and anything he desired did not work. It was never enough and never could be enough because I didn’t recognize the real problem - I was driving myself crazy trying to control something that I could not control no matter how hard I tried. My life was a mess because all I did was focus on him and his drinking - almost all day long. It is hard for me to admit that I am powerless over his drinking and his alcoholic moods and his alcoholic attitudes towards everything and the only one I could control is myself. I lost myself in HIS needs and sacrificed my own to please him and try to stop him from drinking. My life had really become unmanageable and I was a wreak physically, spiritually, and mentally. I was depressed and tired all of the time and didn’t have much energy to do simple tasks around the house. I need to pound this into my head, but it is so hard to accept at this point and changing a lifetime habit it difficult.
I’m working hard on this step and trying to get my mind around it and grasp it with both hands still, however, it is hard, but I know that I’ll get there. I still try to make him happy sometimes because I am so afraid that he will be angry with me and say something mean or be nasty or throw a tantrum. When I was little it was “bad” for ME to be angry and mad - but it was OK if someone else was angry or mad or very mean to me verbally or physically, but I was “bad“ if I was the cause of making them angry with me, I was a downright evil piece of dirt if I caused it and it was always my fault (at least that's what I was told by certain adults in my life) and I deserved poor treatment for "making" them angry. After a while I figured that something must be wrong with me because I didn‘t have the right to feel anger but everyone else could be angry and mean to me and treat me however they wanted - I wasn‘t good enough to have the right to feel my feelings or vent my anger. I was told I was selfish and even hit sometimes if I was angry with someone - thus the way to prevent from being hurt was to deny that you were angry and try to make the other person happy and cater to them because they had the right to hurt you in any way they felt, but I was “bad” if I stood up for myself (that would "make" people angry) or was the cause of their anger. It is scary to know that I cannot control how someone else feels about me or how they will react to me so this step is hard for me to grasp as I have been trying to control people all of my life to prevent myself from being hurt. It is also foreign to know that I have a right to feel angry and to let someone know it.
I wonder why I married a man who even in times of being sober gets very angry at the smallest things. Maybe it is because it is because it was what I was used to or maybe it is because this is one area of my life that I needed to work on and get clear of in order to really live the life I am supposed to live.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Maybe it would help if I looked at alcoholism in this way. My father was diagnosed with diabetes and refused to accept that fact and refused to take his medicine or go on the special diet. No matter what anyone did, they could not convince him to take care of himself and he would eat stuff he wasn't supposed to and brag about it. Well, he nearly died and ended up in the hospital which scared him. That was his wake-up call, and ever since then he has accepted the fact that he is diabetic and takes care of himself. In the same way my AH his sick too and does not want to accept that he needs help. There is no amount of convincing in the world that would get him into recovery as he has to come to the realization himself - if ever.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Thank you for this thread.
I'm only on the first rung of my ladder. Only just started out in Al-anon and understanding what has happened to me. Every day I learn something knew or see a different side. Actually getting it all out and looking at it for the first time with clearer eyes is revealing.
I was the ‘well’ one in the relationship. I didn’t have a problem with alcohol. I knew my limits with that substance and had no enslavement to it or any other. I was the voice of ‘reason’: the grounded one who functioned. I was strong, capable, intelligent. He was the one who had a problem.
I never realised how powerless I actually was. I never realised that my life was unmanageable. I just buried it deep inside me until the impotency and disorder spilled out because I had no room left.
I got it wrong. I thought this was just his problem.
My life was unmanageable. I didn’t see it at the time: even though I have intellectualised it and tried to apply things to the way I felt and behaved I think I got it a little if not all wrong.
My life was unmanageable because I never knew from each day to the next whether my A would be angry, loving, dismissive, aloof, thoughtful, hopeful, confused, romantic, uninterested. Whether today would be a ‘push me’ or ‘pull me’ day. I never knew what surprises were going to be there to meet me.
My life was unmanageable because I never knew whether today was a day when I found out about another foray on the internet talking to women. Whether today would be a day when I would discover him laughing about me with them, calling me names, calling me the crazy one, taking their numbers. My life was unmanageable because I didn’t know if he would start drinking again, acting up, playing mind games, playing with my life, just playing me.
My powerlessness came from trying to make it ‘right’. To try every tactic, sometimes consciously sometimes unconsciously, to get some result from him that was out of my control. My powerlessness came from entering into the game and expecting to win and if not win then come out unscathed. I was never going to beat this. Not without the understanding and the tools it needs could I even survive it. I didn’t know.. but then how was I expected to know… I had never been in a relationship with an alcoholic.
My powerlessness came from looking for his behaviours. Torturing myself about what he was doing. Being scared all the time that he was hurting me and trying to protect myself by unhealthy behaviours and an emotional blackout.
I was stuck in that.
Today I am opening up. Today I want to understand. Today I am being honest about the pain. Today I am being honest about the trauma and shock. Today I want to make changes. Today I am trying to accept.
Today my A is physically healthy and in a programme of recovery. Today I have to understand and acknowledge that recovery and what comes of that is in his control.
Tomorrow… who knows.
I'm only on the first rung of my ladder. Only just started out in Al-anon and understanding what has happened to me. Every day I learn something knew or see a different side. Actually getting it all out and looking at it for the first time with clearer eyes is revealing.
I was the ‘well’ one in the relationship. I didn’t have a problem with alcohol. I knew my limits with that substance and had no enslavement to it or any other. I was the voice of ‘reason’: the grounded one who functioned. I was strong, capable, intelligent. He was the one who had a problem.
I never realised how powerless I actually was. I never realised that my life was unmanageable. I just buried it deep inside me until the impotency and disorder spilled out because I had no room left.
I got it wrong. I thought this was just his problem.
My life was unmanageable. I didn’t see it at the time: even though I have intellectualised it and tried to apply things to the way I felt and behaved I think I got it a little if not all wrong.
My life was unmanageable because I never knew from each day to the next whether my A would be angry, loving, dismissive, aloof, thoughtful, hopeful, confused, romantic, uninterested. Whether today would be a ‘push me’ or ‘pull me’ day. I never knew what surprises were going to be there to meet me.
My life was unmanageable because I never knew whether today was a day when I found out about another foray on the internet talking to women. Whether today would be a day when I would discover him laughing about me with them, calling me names, calling me the crazy one, taking their numbers. My life was unmanageable because I didn’t know if he would start drinking again, acting up, playing mind games, playing with my life, just playing me.
My powerlessness came from trying to make it ‘right’. To try every tactic, sometimes consciously sometimes unconsciously, to get some result from him that was out of my control. My powerlessness came from entering into the game and expecting to win and if not win then come out unscathed. I was never going to beat this. Not without the understanding and the tools it needs could I even survive it. I didn’t know.. but then how was I expected to know… I had never been in a relationship with an alcoholic.
My powerlessness came from looking for his behaviours. Torturing myself about what he was doing. Being scared all the time that he was hurting me and trying to protect myself by unhealthy behaviours and an emotional blackout.
I was stuck in that.
Today I am opening up. Today I want to understand. Today I am being honest about the pain. Today I am being honest about the trauma and shock. Today I want to make changes. Today I am trying to accept.
Today my A is physically healthy and in a programme of recovery. Today I have to understand and acknowledge that recovery and what comes of that is in his control.
Tomorrow… who knows.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mobile AL
Posts: 101
I actually finally got serious and decided to look at the 12 steps. I have been meaning to go to Al Anon for months, but between the drama in my life and my pregnancy (and now a newborn) tonight is the first time I'm finding time. I have no childcare, so attending a meeting at the moment is impossible. I was cruising the board and found a sticky of the 12 steps. I thought....why can't I just work through the steps in a post?
So, while feedback is welcomed, it is not necessary. Rather this is a way for me to have some literary diarrhea of the mind.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
No. I'm still finding I am so frustrated at XABF's choices, his priorities. It is utterly mind-boggling to me, although I am getting better. I am trying to realize that I cannot change him...i didn't cause this, and I can't cure it. IT IS HARRRRRRRRRRRD!
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I believe xABF is very different than me. Smoking a joint and having a cup of coffee in the morning before work is a daily ritual. A beer (or 8) is a nightly ritual upon coming home from work. There is no such thing as sober fun for him. Going to a movie? let's get stoned. Going to a music festival? Let's get tanked. I enjoy drinking.....but not to the same degree. I am finding that life is 10 times more fulfilling when sober.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I do accept alcohol as a disease. How I deal with a drinker/addict is continually evolving. I used to point fingers and blame......I am trying to change my language, my thoughts, and the way I look at a person I feel has a problem. I can only change my own behavior. I can only say that his choices are not my choices.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
In the past I used to cry, scream and beg him not to go out. I realized this just made him want to go out more. I would tell him he needed to stop drinking, and he would tell me that he worked hard.......
My trying to change who he is created a world of emotional abuse for me.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I used to cry....so much. Thinking that would get his attention.....that he would see how much what he was doing hurt me. I used to think this would get him to put his arm around me, give me a hug. He was usually disgusted with my behavior and would say "Why are you crying??" Instead of asking what was wrong and being tender. I realized it would work better to tell him my needs and that of his childrens, directly.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
Most recently xABF has decided to go to a music festival in lieu of coming to see his daughter, whom he has not met. I am so angry with him. He sent me a text saying that he deserved to go...that he had a crappy birthday last year, and an awful Christmas (because I left). I responded, by not responding. I realized how unhealthy our relationship continues to be, and am considering sending back the cell phone he gave me. The cell phone is a constant form of stress to me. It is the one connection I have to him.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?I could gain acceptance for the person, and realize everyone is different, and that's okay.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
This one is terrible for me........At the moment I have nothing in my tool box. I guess my gut answer is to "pay attention to me", but I find that so hard to do. Someone else's needs always come first with me. When I was in Alabama, I would by "my boys" jammies before I would buy some for myself. I am still trying to figure out why XABF has the problems he does, and think I can solve them.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one? I think in the recent past I was looking for a quick fix. I think with me it's not just a recent co-dependent relationship. I think I've had years of co-dependent relationships that need care and attention. I am probably setting myself up for continual work on my soul.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I feel responsible for others if I am designated to be in charge---for example, in public with my step-son. I also feel responsiblity if a large group goes into public together.....like I have to be the mommy. I have to try to control what the group does....where they go....who they go with....what time they come back and where we'll meet.
I used to feel excessively responsible when my XABF would get plastered. I would try to control his behavior when he would try to pick a fight with someone from a different race, or when he would try to pick a fight in general. I felt embarrased and ashamed by his actions on many occasions. I would drive so he wouldn't drive....
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior? HA! I should have looked ahead! I used to hate it when my XABF would get drunk and shout racial slurs, or when he would threaten me or verbally abuse me. The countless times he yelled at me in front of his young son. I was so embarrased. So ashamed that I yelled back to try to protect myself. I hope and pray his son does not remember those things.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed? I came to SR originally because I thought I had an addiction problem myself. My xABF and I used to do coke on nearly a weekly basis and we would drink atleast 4 times per week......we smoked pot nearly every day. At the time I joined SR I was very emotionally messed up and was looking for solace amongst a group of "others". I thought I was the only one dealing with this kind of stuff for a long time. I am continually trying to gain knowledge to better understand alcoholism, addiction and co-dependency.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples. My father. I used to call my father once a week....as my relationship with xabf became more and more strained, it became a daily phone call. My father has said "he's almost like an addiction himself, isn't he?" He has no idea.....
All of my friends and family encouraged my leaving. They all told me that this was a toxic relationship, and that I needed to get out of it before my daughter was born.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable? I was continually crying...and I am typically a happy person. I stopped paying my credit card bills, my student loans. We as a "family" barely scraped by with rent. I became 3 months behind with my car payment and almost had my car repo'd. I didn't have a valid registration on my car.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I continually check with others to make sure I am doing the right thing. Even though others say I definitely did the right thing, I still have my doubts.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this? I often say yes. When I do this, I am allowing others to control me.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Holy cow!!! This is me!!! Totally. I used to wake up at 5:30, get XABF out of bed, make coffee, make french toast and bacon....set the table, set out daily ration of pot for daily joint, pack lunchbox complete with several frozen water bottles and bottles of iced tea and gatorade......clean up from breakfast, clean the house, do the laundry, GO TO WORK AT 2:30 pm myself, work until 10:00 and then stay up cleaning up the mess xabf left for me upon returning to work (work clothes and lunchbox---needed to be unpacked.) I used to get to bed around 11:00pm or so. All this while in my second trimester of pregnancy. Oh, and I would get up and care for his son on my off days. XABF was usually still in bed nursing a hang over.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?When things are going well, it makes me happy.....but I often wonder WHAT'S NEXT???
How well do I take care of myself? It varies, but since I've been out of a toxic relationship I take much better care of myself. I take the extra time to groom myself in ways I never did before.
How do I feel when I am alone?This is my worst fear. Being alone. Funny, because I am an only child, and I was always alone growing up. Up until recently I have always had a man in my life. I often move from one man to the other and they all often have addictions or alcoholism.
Sometimes I am okay with being alone if I have enough to distract me. For instance...the computer, a good book. I am not okay usually alone with my own thoughts.
What is the difference between pity and love? To be announced....
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them? When I met XABF he told me of his deep seated emotional upbringing---his father disowning him, his grandfather committing suicide, and his half-brother shooting his stepmother near christmas. I instantly remember feeling sorry for him, and wanting to help him. I do seem to be attracted to others that have problems that need "fixing". I would describe myself as a kind person with a big heart.
I have tried to fix several folks by telling them how they should live their lives, and giving advice. I have been judgemental about others use and abuse of drugs and alcohol, and failed to take my own abuse into account.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? I am getting better about trusting my feelings. When it comes to XABF he can still control my mind.....he could send me a text and ruin my concept of all reality right now. He is not in the slightest emotionally supportive....but at this point I would take anything I could get---even a text asking how we are.
__________________
"The day you were born a little box arrived in the mail. It was a box no bigger than you.....and in the box was something called responsibility. To some people responsibility is the scariest thing in the world...."
So, while feedback is welcomed, it is not necessary. Rather this is a way for me to have some literary diarrhea of the mind.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
No. I'm still finding I am so frustrated at XABF's choices, his priorities. It is utterly mind-boggling to me, although I am getting better. I am trying to realize that I cannot change him...i didn't cause this, and I can't cure it. IT IS HARRRRRRRRRRRD!
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I believe xABF is very different than me. Smoking a joint and having a cup of coffee in the morning before work is a daily ritual. A beer (or 8) is a nightly ritual upon coming home from work. There is no such thing as sober fun for him. Going to a movie? let's get stoned. Going to a music festival? Let's get tanked. I enjoy drinking.....but not to the same degree. I am finding that life is 10 times more fulfilling when sober.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I do accept alcohol as a disease. How I deal with a drinker/addict is continually evolving. I used to point fingers and blame......I am trying to change my language, my thoughts, and the way I look at a person I feel has a problem. I can only change my own behavior. I can only say that his choices are not my choices.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
In the past I used to cry, scream and beg him not to go out. I realized this just made him want to go out more. I would tell him he needed to stop drinking, and he would tell me that he worked hard.......
My trying to change who he is created a world of emotional abuse for me.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I used to cry....so much. Thinking that would get his attention.....that he would see how much what he was doing hurt me. I used to think this would get him to put his arm around me, give me a hug. He was usually disgusted with my behavior and would say "Why are you crying??" Instead of asking what was wrong and being tender. I realized it would work better to tell him my needs and that of his childrens, directly.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
Most recently xABF has decided to go to a music festival in lieu of coming to see his daughter, whom he has not met. I am so angry with him. He sent me a text saying that he deserved to go...that he had a crappy birthday last year, and an awful Christmas (because I left). I responded, by not responding. I realized how unhealthy our relationship continues to be, and am considering sending back the cell phone he gave me. The cell phone is a constant form of stress to me. It is the one connection I have to him.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?I could gain acceptance for the person, and realize everyone is different, and that's okay.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
This one is terrible for me........At the moment I have nothing in my tool box. I guess my gut answer is to "pay attention to me", but I find that so hard to do. Someone else's needs always come first with me. When I was in Alabama, I would by "my boys" jammies before I would buy some for myself. I am still trying to figure out why XABF has the problems he does, and think I can solve them.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one? I think in the recent past I was looking for a quick fix. I think with me it's not just a recent co-dependent relationship. I think I've had years of co-dependent relationships that need care and attention. I am probably setting myself up for continual work on my soul.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I feel responsible for others if I am designated to be in charge---for example, in public with my step-son. I also feel responsiblity if a large group goes into public together.....like I have to be the mommy. I have to try to control what the group does....where they go....who they go with....what time they come back and where we'll meet.
I used to feel excessively responsible when my XABF would get plastered. I would try to control his behavior when he would try to pick a fight with someone from a different race, or when he would try to pick a fight in general. I felt embarrased and ashamed by his actions on many occasions. I would drive so he wouldn't drive....
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior? HA! I should have looked ahead! I used to hate it when my XABF would get drunk and shout racial slurs, or when he would threaten me or verbally abuse me. The countless times he yelled at me in front of his young son. I was so embarrased. So ashamed that I yelled back to try to protect myself. I hope and pray his son does not remember those things.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed? I came to SR originally because I thought I had an addiction problem myself. My xABF and I used to do coke on nearly a weekly basis and we would drink atleast 4 times per week......we smoked pot nearly every day. At the time I joined SR I was very emotionally messed up and was looking for solace amongst a group of "others". I thought I was the only one dealing with this kind of stuff for a long time. I am continually trying to gain knowledge to better understand alcoholism, addiction and co-dependency.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples. My father. I used to call my father once a week....as my relationship with xabf became more and more strained, it became a daily phone call. My father has said "he's almost like an addiction himself, isn't he?" He has no idea.....
All of my friends and family encouraged my leaving. They all told me that this was a toxic relationship, and that I needed to get out of it before my daughter was born.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable? I was continually crying...and I am typically a happy person. I stopped paying my credit card bills, my student loans. We as a "family" barely scraped by with rent. I became 3 months behind with my car payment and almost had my car repo'd. I didn't have a valid registration on my car.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I continually check with others to make sure I am doing the right thing. Even though others say I definitely did the right thing, I still have my doubts.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this? I often say yes. When I do this, I am allowing others to control me.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Holy cow!!! This is me!!! Totally. I used to wake up at 5:30, get XABF out of bed, make coffee, make french toast and bacon....set the table, set out daily ration of pot for daily joint, pack lunchbox complete with several frozen water bottles and bottles of iced tea and gatorade......clean up from breakfast, clean the house, do the laundry, GO TO WORK AT 2:30 pm myself, work until 10:00 and then stay up cleaning up the mess xabf left for me upon returning to work (work clothes and lunchbox---needed to be unpacked.) I used to get to bed around 11:00pm or so. All this while in my second trimester of pregnancy. Oh, and I would get up and care for his son on my off days. XABF was usually still in bed nursing a hang over.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?When things are going well, it makes me happy.....but I often wonder WHAT'S NEXT???
How well do I take care of myself? It varies, but since I've been out of a toxic relationship I take much better care of myself. I take the extra time to groom myself in ways I never did before.
How do I feel when I am alone?This is my worst fear. Being alone. Funny, because I am an only child, and I was always alone growing up. Up until recently I have always had a man in my life. I often move from one man to the other and they all often have addictions or alcoholism.
Sometimes I am okay with being alone if I have enough to distract me. For instance...the computer, a good book. I am not okay usually alone with my own thoughts.
What is the difference between pity and love? To be announced....
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them? When I met XABF he told me of his deep seated emotional upbringing---his father disowning him, his grandfather committing suicide, and his half-brother shooting his stepmother near christmas. I instantly remember feeling sorry for him, and wanting to help him. I do seem to be attracted to others that have problems that need "fixing". I would describe myself as a kind person with a big heart.
I have tried to fix several folks by telling them how they should live their lives, and giving advice. I have been judgemental about others use and abuse of drugs and alcohol, and failed to take my own abuse into account.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? I am getting better about trusting my feelings. When it comes to XABF he can still control my mind.....he could send me a text and ruin my concept of all reality right now. He is not in the slightest emotionally supportive....but at this point I would take anything I could get---even a text asking how we are.
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"The day you were born a little box arrived in the mail. It was a box no bigger than you.....and in the box was something called responsibility. To some people responsibility is the scariest thing in the world...."
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