Step Study - Step 1
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
After going to Alanon for 5 years I still hadn't accepted that I was powerless. I still kept doing all I could think of to "get him sober", and each failure made me more determined to succeed next time. Of course I never did succeed in any way to make 1 little bit of a difference to his drinking, or the unmanageable life we had. Because I could not continue living in the same house with the stress and strain I forced the issue, and we moved to our own units about 8 miles apart.
He was sober for nearly a year, then relapsed and began turning up at my place drunk and angry. God knows how often the police took him away to the watch house or to his home. Once more I was in the midst of chaos and terror, but still I kept trying to get him sober and believed his promises even tho every one he'd ever made me had been broken. Even his cheating, lies, abuse and constant drunken quacking didn't get me to see that I was on a hiding to nothing.
7 long painful and heart breaking years later and I had enough at LONG LAST. I had found SR and learned a lot in a short time, so next time he hit the bottle and was so very ill, I quit the nursing, caring and running after him, and told him to go do whatever he wanted to do, wherever and with whoever he wanted. I was done, finished and he was on his own.
It took the words I heard here on SR, the stories I read and the advice and support from those who had walked my walk, to get thru to me.
I joined alanon online as well, and am still pushing thru step 1, so this is perfect timing for me.
Do I now understand that I have no power over alcohol and it's stinking effect on abf, and no power over anyone but myself. OH YES. I Finally got it.
I don't try any ways of "control" over abf anymore, and tho he has been sober for 4 months, refuses to have anything to do with AA, and hasn't seen his counsellor for ages, I have said nothing.
It aint my problem or my business, nor my worry either. Yippee!!! Freedom at last.
Now to keep repeating this 1st step in my head til it is second nature to me.
Thanks Cat for doing this at just the right time for me and I guess lots of others.
He was sober for nearly a year, then relapsed and began turning up at my place drunk and angry. God knows how often the police took him away to the watch house or to his home. Once more I was in the midst of chaos and terror, but still I kept trying to get him sober and believed his promises even tho every one he'd ever made me had been broken. Even his cheating, lies, abuse and constant drunken quacking didn't get me to see that I was on a hiding to nothing.
7 long painful and heart breaking years later and I had enough at LONG LAST. I had found SR and learned a lot in a short time, so next time he hit the bottle and was so very ill, I quit the nursing, caring and running after him, and told him to go do whatever he wanted to do, wherever and with whoever he wanted. I was done, finished and he was on his own.
It took the words I heard here on SR, the stories I read and the advice and support from those who had walked my walk, to get thru to me.
I joined alanon online as well, and am still pushing thru step 1, so this is perfect timing for me.
Do I now understand that I have no power over alcohol and it's stinking effect on abf, and no power over anyone but myself. OH YES. I Finally got it.
I don't try any ways of "control" over abf anymore, and tho he has been sober for 4 months, refuses to have anything to do with AA, and hasn't seen his counsellor for ages, I have said nothing.
It aint my problem or my business, nor my worry either. Yippee!!! Freedom at last.
Now to keep repeating this 1st step in my head til it is second nature to me.
Thanks Cat for doing this at just the right time for me and I guess lots of others.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Someone told me that when we try to control someone else, we give them all the power. Because if they do what we want, we are pleased, but if they do not we are angry or sad or frustrated. We gave them the power over how we would feel.
How freeing it was to stop trying to run the universe. How much easier my life became when I stopped trying to make someone become someone they were not, or give something they were incapable of giving.
Thank you so much for this Ann -- giving my power away in this way is no longer acceptable to me and yes, it is so very freeing!
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable."
I have struggled with step 1 for a number of years now. I think it is the "over alcohol" that get's me stuck. I do have power over alcohol (my own consumption). It does not run my life. I change the wording in my own mind to "over the alcohol use of others". I do know that I have "no power over the alcohol use of my AH or anyone else" and that's when I can admit that I am powerless.
I know that my life had become unmanageable. I lived, ate and breathed around what my AH would "do today". Like many here, I became consumed by his actions -- actions I had no control over. Often that obsession would distract me from other things that needed attending to in my life. But, oh boy, did I try! Only when those attempts failed time and time again, (ie, taking the car from bars so he couldn't drive home -- the night I didn't, he got charged), did I realize that I could not control this or him any longer. I have now, through separation, been able to "wash my hands" of what he does with his life. It is still hard sometimes because, while I am determined to not let his actions affect my life, it still affects the life of my kids. But it's better and his actions (or anyones) are not mine to own -- his choices -- his consequences. When I admitted that, things became noticably easier in many different parts of my life as a whole. I am beginning to see the "real me" and not the controlling lunatic that I no longer recognized.
Admitting that I don't have "power" is difficult for me. I know that I do have power over many things in my life. But power over others is not one of them. Nor do I want to have that power. Because IMHO, with that power brings consequences that are not mine to bear.
Thank you so much for this post. I honour all of you for the ESH that I find here at SR.
Laurie
How freeing it was to stop trying to run the universe. How much easier my life became when I stopped trying to make someone become someone they were not, or give something they were incapable of giving.
Thank you so much for this Ann -- giving my power away in this way is no longer acceptable to me and yes, it is so very freeing!
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable."
I have struggled with step 1 for a number of years now. I think it is the "over alcohol" that get's me stuck. I do have power over alcohol (my own consumption). It does not run my life. I change the wording in my own mind to "over the alcohol use of others". I do know that I have "no power over the alcohol use of my AH or anyone else" and that's when I can admit that I am powerless.
I know that my life had become unmanageable. I lived, ate and breathed around what my AH would "do today". Like many here, I became consumed by his actions -- actions I had no control over. Often that obsession would distract me from other things that needed attending to in my life. But, oh boy, did I try! Only when those attempts failed time and time again, (ie, taking the car from bars so he couldn't drive home -- the night I didn't, he got charged), did I realize that I could not control this or him any longer. I have now, through separation, been able to "wash my hands" of what he does with his life. It is still hard sometimes because, while I am determined to not let his actions affect my life, it still affects the life of my kids. But it's better and his actions (or anyones) are not mine to own -- his choices -- his consequences. When I admitted that, things became noticably easier in many different parts of my life as a whole. I am beginning to see the "real me" and not the controlling lunatic that I no longer recognized.
Admitting that I don't have "power" is difficult for me. I know that I do have power over many things in my life. But power over others is not one of them. Nor do I want to have that power. Because IMHO, with that power brings consequences that are not mine to bear.
Thank you so much for this post. I honour all of you for the ESH that I find here at SR.
Laurie
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I have struggled with step 1 for a number of years now. I think it is the "over alcohol" that get's me stuck. I do have power over alcohol (my own consumption). It does not run my life. I change the wording in my own mind to "over the alcohol use of others". I do know that I have "no power over the alcohol use of my AH or anyone else" and that's when I can admit that I am powerless.
My sponsor helped me to think of my powerlessness in broader terms. She suggested that when I am working on Step 1 that I admit that I am powerless over other people, places and things. It's so much more than just alcohol.
And today, I am again working on Step 1. There is always someone, something, somewhere that I think I can control, or a person who isn't doing what I think he should be doing. The good news is that I can catch myself much more quickly and get my focus back where it needs to be - on myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
I'm currently working Step 1 and find these posts very helpful as I begin to answer the questions in "Paths To Recovery." I'm also trying to apply the powerlessness to people, places and things, because I realize that I have tried to control all of them. Growing up with an alcoholic mother, I had no control whatsoever, and after doing the "methods of control" exercise my sponsor gave me, I realize how much I have tried to control every aspect of my current husband's life for fear that he would run away unless I did. It is scary to let that go, but what a relief at the same time 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
Originally Posted by JenT1968 
I rarely expect anything from him, and am trying to make that never. My moments of surprise at the latest development are fleeting and more of an “ahhh, so that’s what you’re up to now” with a tinge of sorrow, than an incandescent rage of “how dare you???? How could you do that to me/us”. He sinks or swims on his own now and I no longer try to interfere or take on any responsibility for his relationships with work/friends/family, his money, his job, his health, his mind and certainly not his drinking.
As for step one, I'm working on those questions posted at the start of the thread. Getting there....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
right here we go
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
yes i think i do now through months of trying to and getting more and more upset,angry and every other emotion under the sun.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
because he gets up out of bed and i hear the can popping open and i cou1d never dream of having a can of beer first thing in the morning it wou1d sicken me and his reactions to things that happen are extreme he goes right off the deep end from suicide to ki11ing anyone or everyone invo1ved to accusing everyone e1se instead of 1ooking to himse1f.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
no i dont think i do maybe this is a prob1em to me its se1f inf1icted no one makes u put the drink in your mouth a disease is 1ike cancer or heart probs this is not a disease and as such i think i resent how he cant just stop doing it cos no one asks for a disease do they yet this one they may as we11 have done.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
yes have tried t change him numerous times the consquences were him turning on me b1aming me for the things going wrong in his 1ife making me fee1 so gui1ty that i was in the wrong.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
i wou1d cry to try get his attention try make him fee1 hes doing something wrong this never worked though it back fired as he wou1d throw it back at me once i stopped what wou1d prob work better wou1d be to 1et him deciede its time to do it.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
frustrated maybe a 1itt1e angry too i respond by either ignoring him or getting so annoyed i snap and say something i shou1dnt do.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
i wou1d fee1 out of contro1 wou1d fee1 i needed to do something to sort it out whatever way i can wou1d spend s1eep1ess nites trying to sort it out.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
probab1y by concentrating on me but im scared of 1osing the compassion.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
yes probab1y if im honest get him to see theres a prob1em go to AA sorted few months and it cant be done as there is no quick fix its taken him a 1ifetime to get where he is now.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
whenever there is a crisis in his 1ife i fee1 1ike i have to try pick up the pieces and fix things and been the on1y person 1eft in his 1ife it fa11s to me.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
in any pub1ic situation im out with him socia11y and even sometimes when shopping cos i know they sme11 the a1chaho1 on him and in pubs with drinking buddies hes be1itt1ed me on more than one occasion ti11 i end up having to say something and then he su1ks 1ike a big kid and in taxis when hes joked about drinking and driving with the driver the shame is so bad so i tend to not want to go to any pubs now.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
i came here to save me as i fe1t i was been 1ost somewhere in the craziness i hoped i wou1d gain some know1edge that might he1p me as fe1t so a1one in it and i know now i am been he1ped my eyes are been opened a11 the time and when im fee1ing that i dont know which way to go now here wi11 he1p me.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
my chi1dren are so worried about me youngest cant work why im doing what im doing why hes not been dumped 1ong ago my friends a1so think im crazy for staying a1so and i do fee1 somewhat under pressure to get rid of him.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
prob when i cant do my c1asses and when i cant do housework etc.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
by constant1y asking am i doing the right thing and te11ing them it fee1s right to me trying to get them to agree with me but they dont do.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
yes i do very often say yes when i mean no and then have to try rearrange my who1e 1ife around the AH come down right now or were finished i did used to fa11 for that not now and when that happens i fee1 out of contro1 and f1ustered.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
oh yes so much easier isnt it to 1ook after someone e1se my dad the AH brother kids the ex hubby a11 of them but me what do i do to care for me.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
yes cos 1ifes never goes right for 1ong i just wait for it to happen and it does do and suppose i do cope better in the crisis maybe i do thrive abit if im honest.
How well do I take care of myself?
better now im not there with him trying to get back to me when im with him dont exercise eat too much vegetate.
How do I feel when I am alone?
never 1iked been a1one do have issues with that but been with him im a1one a1ot anyhow.
What is the difference between pity and love?
now this one has proved diffucu1t i think pity is for someone whos maybe dying etc and 1ove is thinking about that person a11 the time and wi11ing to do anything for them u pity someone weak i think and 1ove someone whos not hmm diffucu1t that one.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
before him no ex hubby has no drink prob1ems and bf before him no they didnt either except one guy who had epi1epsy so prob fe1t i cou1d fix him but no others except him and how have i tried by any means i cou1d do ta1king to him shouting at him making him do stuff 1ike get counse11ing go on sites to find out info.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
no i dont think there decieving me cos i fee1 its 1ove but is it 1ove or is it not wanting to give it up.
eye opening xxxxkia
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
yes i think i do now through months of trying to and getting more and more upset,angry and every other emotion under the sun.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
because he gets up out of bed and i hear the can popping open and i cou1d never dream of having a can of beer first thing in the morning it wou1d sicken me and his reactions to things that happen are extreme he goes right off the deep end from suicide to ki11ing anyone or everyone invo1ved to accusing everyone e1se instead of 1ooking to himse1f.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
no i dont think i do maybe this is a prob1em to me its se1f inf1icted no one makes u put the drink in your mouth a disease is 1ike cancer or heart probs this is not a disease and as such i think i resent how he cant just stop doing it cos no one asks for a disease do they yet this one they may as we11 have done.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
yes have tried t change him numerous times the consquences were him turning on me b1aming me for the things going wrong in his 1ife making me fee1 so gui1ty that i was in the wrong.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
i wou1d cry to try get his attention try make him fee1 hes doing something wrong this never worked though it back fired as he wou1d throw it back at me once i stopped what wou1d prob work better wou1d be to 1et him deciede its time to do it.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
frustrated maybe a 1itt1e angry too i respond by either ignoring him or getting so annoyed i snap and say something i shou1dnt do.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
i wou1d fee1 out of contro1 wou1d fee1 i needed to do something to sort it out whatever way i can wou1d spend s1eep1ess nites trying to sort it out.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
probab1y by concentrating on me but im scared of 1osing the compassion.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
yes probab1y if im honest get him to see theres a prob1em go to AA sorted few months and it cant be done as there is no quick fix its taken him a 1ifetime to get where he is now.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
whenever there is a crisis in his 1ife i fee1 1ike i have to try pick up the pieces and fix things and been the on1y person 1eft in his 1ife it fa11s to me.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
in any pub1ic situation im out with him socia11y and even sometimes when shopping cos i know they sme11 the a1chaho1 on him and in pubs with drinking buddies hes be1itt1ed me on more than one occasion ti11 i end up having to say something and then he su1ks 1ike a big kid and in taxis when hes joked about drinking and driving with the driver the shame is so bad so i tend to not want to go to any pubs now.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
i came here to save me as i fe1t i was been 1ost somewhere in the craziness i hoped i wou1d gain some know1edge that might he1p me as fe1t so a1one in it and i know now i am been he1ped my eyes are been opened a11 the time and when im fee1ing that i dont know which way to go now here wi11 he1p me.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
my chi1dren are so worried about me youngest cant work why im doing what im doing why hes not been dumped 1ong ago my friends a1so think im crazy for staying a1so and i do fee1 somewhat under pressure to get rid of him.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
prob when i cant do my c1asses and when i cant do housework etc.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
by constant1y asking am i doing the right thing and te11ing them it fee1s right to me trying to get them to agree with me but they dont do.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
yes i do very often say yes when i mean no and then have to try rearrange my who1e 1ife around the AH come down right now or were finished i did used to fa11 for that not now and when that happens i fee1 out of contro1 and f1ustered.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
oh yes so much easier isnt it to 1ook after someone e1se my dad the AH brother kids the ex hubby a11 of them but me what do i do to care for me.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
yes cos 1ifes never goes right for 1ong i just wait for it to happen and it does do and suppose i do cope better in the crisis maybe i do thrive abit if im honest.
How well do I take care of myself?
better now im not there with him trying to get back to me when im with him dont exercise eat too much vegetate.
How do I feel when I am alone?
never 1iked been a1one do have issues with that but been with him im a1one a1ot anyhow.
What is the difference between pity and love?
now this one has proved diffucu1t i think pity is for someone whos maybe dying etc and 1ove is thinking about that person a11 the time and wi11ing to do anything for them u pity someone weak i think and 1ove someone whos not hmm diffucu1t that one.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
before him no ex hubby has no drink prob1ems and bf before him no they didnt either except one guy who had epi1epsy so prob fe1t i cou1d fix him but no others except him and how have i tried by any means i cou1d do ta1king to him shouting at him making him do stuff 1ike get counse11ing go on sites to find out info.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
no i dont think there decieving me cos i fee1 its 1ove but is it 1ove or is it not wanting to give it up.
eye opening xxxxkia
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by cassandra2
I guess everyday this is something that I must teach myself. My biggest problem is ACCEPTING the powerlessness.
Today I am in a situation that I again have to accept that things are not going the way I expect them to go. I feel I need to tell myself daily about acceptance.
Today my ex is clean and attending treatment. Today he is opening up to me more and being honest. I have to accept that TODAY that is all he can do. Maybe tomorrow it will be different but TODAY that is the way it is.
I am grateful that he has come to a point where he can open up to me and begin to communicate but then I fall right back into the whole expecting him to now do this and this. But the reality is that I have to accept that I am powerless over someone else's feelings, emotions, and recovery. I have to accept that today he is moving forward but not as fast as I would like.
Another thing that I have been learning that has been helpful to me is that when I expect someone to do something I set myself up for failure or getting hurt. I need to remind myself that I need to give WITH NO expectations in return. Real honest love of another person is acceptance of who they are NO matter where they are. Real honest love is allowing another person to make decisions for themselves that may NOT include you.
I find new things daily but those are the ones I truly am trying to concentrate on.
Today I am in a situation that I again have to accept that things are not going the way I expect them to go. I feel I need to tell myself daily about acceptance.
Today my ex is clean and attending treatment. Today he is opening up to me more and being honest. I have to accept that TODAY that is all he can do. Maybe tomorrow it will be different but TODAY that is the way it is.
I am grateful that he has come to a point where he can open up to me and begin to communicate but then I fall right back into the whole expecting him to now do this and this. But the reality is that I have to accept that I am powerless over someone else's feelings, emotions, and recovery. I have to accept that today he is moving forward but not as fast as I would like.
Another thing that I have been learning that has been helpful to me is that when I expect someone to do something I set myself up for failure or getting hurt. I need to remind myself that I need to give WITH NO expectations in return. Real honest love of another person is acceptance of who they are NO matter where they are. Real honest love is allowing another person to make decisions for themselves that may NOT include you.
I find new things daily but those are the ones I truly am trying to concentrate on.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
i love the responses...everyone is different....POWERLESS?..wow, gosh yes i am so powerless, and what a word it is....control person or thing...authourity (defined in the dictionary)..
step study will be an everyday thing for me and a lifetime...i will never stop doing my steps and traditions...once i am done, i start again...we change, the tools change...I learn and adapt.....the principles are now part of my life...
step study will be an everyday thing for me and a lifetime...i will never stop doing my steps and traditions...once i am done, i start again...we change, the tools change...I learn and adapt.....the principles are now part of my life...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Norfolk
Posts: 1
Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
Wow. I have to still struggle over this.
I guess it is because, I am in an relationship with a recovering Alcoholic / Drug addict, and we live with his son who is also recovering from both. I recently realized that upon the son moving in that I still had issues with his sobriety. I felt as if AA was taking him away from me, and to me left me powerless over alcohol. Many nights I felt that I was being ignored and that AA was his life, I sat home alone, waiting, and it made me feel like I did when he would go and drink and do god knows what.
But in the last few months I decided that I was not going to let that feeling continue. I decided that I needed to be helped, and I started going to Al Anon meetings locally. I finally decided I was not going to let my life become unmanageable to the point that alcohol was a part of the control, whether recovering or not.
Last night we celebrated the son's 23rd birthday, I had ordered frozen lemonade, and the first response I received was I can't believe you ordered a drink in front of me. I never really thought about how it would affect me, and I really didn't know what to say, other than what I did say: I ordered strawberry lemonade. Not a drink.
I never drink in front of them, and in fact it has been about 10 years since I had even had a beer, I went through a phase when I turned 30 when I all I wanted to do was drink, that only last about a month or two. When I realized that the drinking was taking over in my life, I stopped. Have not touched a drink since. I guess I admitted it then, but never really thought about that until now.
I know my life is not unmanageable unless I make it that way. I continue to work at going to meetings, and when I feel I can't go. I make myself go. I want to lead a manageable life.
Wow. I have to still struggle over this.
I guess it is because, I am in an relationship with a recovering Alcoholic / Drug addict, and we live with his son who is also recovering from both. I recently realized that upon the son moving in that I still had issues with his sobriety. I felt as if AA was taking him away from me, and to me left me powerless over alcohol. Many nights I felt that I was being ignored and that AA was his life, I sat home alone, waiting, and it made me feel like I did when he would go and drink and do god knows what.
But in the last few months I decided that I was not going to let that feeling continue. I decided that I needed to be helped, and I started going to Al Anon meetings locally. I finally decided I was not going to let my life become unmanageable to the point that alcohol was a part of the control, whether recovering or not.
Last night we celebrated the son's 23rd birthday, I had ordered frozen lemonade, and the first response I received was I can't believe you ordered a drink in front of me. I never really thought about how it would affect me, and I really didn't know what to say, other than what I did say: I ordered strawberry lemonade. Not a drink.
I never drink in front of them, and in fact it has been about 10 years since I had even had a beer, I went through a phase when I turned 30 when I all I wanted to do was drink, that only last about a month or two. When I realized that the drinking was taking over in my life, I stopped. Have not touched a drink since. I guess I admitted it then, but never really thought about that until now.
I know my life is not unmanageable unless I make it that way. I continue to work at going to meetings, and when I feel I can't go. I make myself go. I want to lead a manageable life.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
So-- is this thread still active? It doesn't seem to be but, perhaps me actually typing out the words will help me. At least a little.
I know a little bit of the lingo, and some of the right words to say only because of books that I've read or , research from the internet. I know nothing about letting go, I try to, I think I do, I said I have... but , here I am ... searching.
My AH is a functioning A. He is quite successful and nothing seems to go too bad, or bad enough for him to think there is a problem. Don't get me wrong.. Sometimes His behavior will embarrass me or the kids. I do as little as possible with him (events) because they most likely include drinking. BBQ , picnics , dinners and camping trips. I used to be able to use the kids as an excuse, but they are older now and they don't need me as much. I've run out of excuses.
Deep down he knows, but we don't discuss it much because he will punish me with either yelling or we don't speak for a few days. It just never gets solved. Never.
The other day I caught him smoking pot, and was so angry. I had been suspicious for a few weeks and would smell it. When I mentioned it he would say -- ya I think its the neighbors, or I don't smell anything-- even "you always smell pot!". So when I walked around the corner outside and he was smoking I just said: " And.. that is why I'm not sitting outside by the pool with you. Your drinking and being high is taxing. You are the only one who enjoys your buzz."
Because it was the 4th he had a pretty good "buzz" going and he went in to the martyr mode. Well, I'm such a terrible person.. blah, blah, blah. That didn't work so he began to tell me how judgmental I am, and even ... darn I forget what he said but it was something like a prude... NO! good two shoes.
Really? is that supposed to make me cry? I don't cry!
We just started speaking today and that was only because he needed help with the computer.
So-- I guess this just brings me here. I'm done-- tired of being tired. Exhausted from his huge personality. Just being in the same room wears me out. It's funny because some periods of time are worse than others and I'm not sure why.
So, I'm here. I'm going to try to work this program. I've just picked up the book co-dependent no more. Hopefully I will be able to start living MY life. I've still got some good time left (he he). I don't want to be the angry person anymore. I want to enjoy my life.
Thanks for reading.
I know a little bit of the lingo, and some of the right words to say only because of books that I've read or , research from the internet. I know nothing about letting go, I try to, I think I do, I said I have... but , here I am ... searching.
My AH is a functioning A. He is quite successful and nothing seems to go too bad, or bad enough for him to think there is a problem. Don't get me wrong.. Sometimes His behavior will embarrass me or the kids. I do as little as possible with him (events) because they most likely include drinking. BBQ , picnics , dinners and camping trips. I used to be able to use the kids as an excuse, but they are older now and they don't need me as much. I've run out of excuses.
Deep down he knows, but we don't discuss it much because he will punish me with either yelling or we don't speak for a few days. It just never gets solved. Never.
The other day I caught him smoking pot, and was so angry. I had been suspicious for a few weeks and would smell it. When I mentioned it he would say -- ya I think its the neighbors, or I don't smell anything-- even "you always smell pot!". So when I walked around the corner outside and he was smoking I just said: " And.. that is why I'm not sitting outside by the pool with you. Your drinking and being high is taxing. You are the only one who enjoys your buzz."
Because it was the 4th he had a pretty good "buzz" going and he went in to the martyr mode. Well, I'm such a terrible person.. blah, blah, blah. That didn't work so he began to tell me how judgmental I am, and even ... darn I forget what he said but it was something like a prude... NO! good two shoes.
Really? is that supposed to make me cry? I don't cry!
We just started speaking today and that was only because he needed help with the computer.
So-- I guess this just brings me here. I'm done-- tired of being tired. Exhausted from his huge personality. Just being in the same room wears me out. It's funny because some periods of time are worse than others and I'm not sure why.
So, I'm here. I'm going to try to work this program. I've just picked up the book co-dependent no more. Hopefully I will be able to start living MY life. I've still got some good time left (he he). I don't want to be the angry person anymore. I want to enjoy my life.
Thanks for reading.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome! Have you been to any Al-Anon meetings? That's where you can REALLY get into the Steps. Not to mention learning about detachment, letting go, etc. How old are your kids? They might benefit from Alateen.
Alcoholism is progressive, and although your husband is "functioning" right now, you can expect him to "function" less well over time. And it ISN'T going to get "solved" unless and until he decides to quit drinking for good. And it doesn't sound as if he has the slightest interest in that right now.
Stick around, keep reading and posting. Jump in on the newer threads, or feel free to start a new one of your own. Lots of great support here.
Alcoholism is progressive, and although your husband is "functioning" right now, you can expect him to "function" less well over time. And it ISN'T going to get "solved" unless and until he decides to quit drinking for good. And it doesn't sound as if he has the slightest interest in that right now.
Stick around, keep reading and posting. Jump in on the newer threads, or feel free to start a new one of your own. Lots of great support here.
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