Step Study - Step 1
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Join Date: Aug 2002
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Step Study - Step 1
It seems that it’s a good time for us to begin a step study here in the Friends and Family forum. Much of the information I will post here comes from the book Paths to Recovery: Al Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts © 1997
Each step will have its own thread. That way people can continue to come in, read the information and share his or her experience, strength and hope as it pertains to that step.
Each of us works the steps in our time, and in our own manner. Most often, step work is done by those who attend face-to-face meetings and have a sponsor. That doesn’t mean that you MUST, it’s just a suggestion. Please don’t feel as though you must rush thru these steps… it took me a few years in the program before I began, and I found myself stuck on at least one of the steps for a year or more. The questions and postings here will be an outline, a framework from which you can begin your journey. If nothing else, the questions will provoke some thought and self-reflection, and some great discussions and dialogue.
Others who have worked the steps before may find that they wish to do the steps again. I know many people who work one step per month every year – 12 steps for 12 months. The more you learn about yourself, the more you know, and the more you wish to learn!
Each step will have its own thread. That way people can continue to come in, read the information and share his or her experience, strength and hope as it pertains to that step.
Each of us works the steps in our time, and in our own manner. Most often, step work is done by those who attend face-to-face meetings and have a sponsor. That doesn’t mean that you MUST, it’s just a suggestion. Please don’t feel as though you must rush thru these steps… it took me a few years in the program before I began, and I found myself stuck on at least one of the steps for a year or more. The questions and postings here will be an outline, a framework from which you can begin your journey. If nothing else, the questions will provoke some thought and self-reflection, and some great discussions and dialogue.
Others who have worked the steps before may find that they wish to do the steps again. I know many people who work one step per month every year – 12 steps for 12 months. The more you learn about yourself, the more you know, and the more you wish to learn!
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
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This is the suggested opening that is read at most Al Anon meetings
We welcome you to this Al-Anon Family Group Meeting, and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.
We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can.
We, too, were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.
The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.
The Al-Anon program is based on the suggested Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer.
The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus make us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.
Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is on our minds and in our hearts,for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon.
The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution; does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses or opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership. Al Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.
We welcome you to this Al-Anon Family Group Meeting, and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.
We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can.
We, too, were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.
The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.
The Al-Anon program is based on the suggested Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer.
The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus make us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.
Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is on our minds and in our hearts,for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon.
The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution; does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses or opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership. Al Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
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Al Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.
Study of these steps is essential to progress in the Al Anon program. The principles they embody are universal, applicable to everyone, whatever his personal creed. In Al anon, we strive for an ever-deeper understanding of these steps, and pray for the wisdom to apply them to our lives.
Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood Him
Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
Step 6. Were entirely to have God remove all of these defects of character
Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings
Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9. Made direct amends to such people where ever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Step 11. Sought thru prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out
Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Study of these steps is essential to progress in the Al Anon program. The principles they embody are universal, applicable to everyone, whatever his personal creed. In Al anon, we strive for an ever-deeper understanding of these steps, and pray for the wisdom to apply them to our lives.
Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood Him
Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
Step 6. Were entirely to have God remove all of these defects of character
Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings
Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9. Made direct amends to such people where ever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Step 11. Sought thru prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out
Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
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And now, here are discussion questions about Step One. You might find it helpful to print them out and answer them at your own pace. Feel free to post and comment about what you think, what you discover about yourself, what you struggle with as we talk about each step.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
What is the difference between pity and love?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
What is the difference between pity and love?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Powerlessness was a very foreign concept for me. I was the only sane person in a chaotic home, and I thought I was the only thing holding us together. Powerless?? ME??
My world ultimately crashed around me, and that's when I crawled into the rooms of Al Anon. My children were a mess, my marriage was in shambles, my life was spiraling out of control. I could easily admit to powerlessness. My life was most definitely unmanageable.
BUT - I had to learn that I was powerless over most everything in my life: people, places and things... much more than just alcohol. That's what took some time.
My world ultimately crashed around me, and that's when I crawled into the rooms of Al Anon. My children were a mess, my marriage was in shambles, my life was spiraling out of control. I could easily admit to powerlessness. My life was most definitely unmanageable.
BUT - I had to learn that I was powerless over most everything in my life: people, places and things... much more than just alcohol. That's what took some time.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I knew I was powerless, powerless to live within the insanity of our home. I cannot function faced with my AH's altered perception of reality every day.
Ugh. Does that answer that for you? LOL.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
BUT - I had to learn that I was powerless over most everything in my life: people, places and things... much more than just alcohol. That's what took some time.
When I could see that the more I b***hed, moaned, and complained, the more secretive he became. Seeing it in black and white, helped me once again ACCEPT to the very core of my being that I WAS POWERLESS over everything but what I do. Once that acceptance hit, then it was easy to see how unmanageable my life had once again become.
And no, like the first time, it did not come 'quickly.' I pondered, I read, I wrote, I talked with both AA and AlAnon sponsors, I talked with others in both programs.
I still feel this step is the FOUNDATION for all the other steps, and for me the foundation had to be solid, hard, concrete and granite.
These steps starting with Step 1 have worked for many before us, and will work for many after us, IF WE WORK THEM.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
step study sticky?
Hi CatsPajamas,
Thanks so much for starting this. I've been wishing for such threads specific to Al-Anon.
Just a thought; I wonder if it would be possible to put the step study threads in one place so they're always visible and you don't have go hunting for them as time goes on? Maybe put them in a "sticky" like those at the top of the forum?
I have no idea how one does it, but perhaps a moderator knows. Anyway, just an idea to perhaps make it easier to find them among all the posts.
Thank you!
Nea
Thanks so much for starting this. I've been wishing for such threads specific to Al-Anon.
Just a thought; I wonder if it would be possible to put the step study threads in one place so they're always visible and you don't have go hunting for them as time goes on? Maybe put them in a "sticky" like those at the top of the forum?
I have no idea how one does it, but perhaps a moderator knows. Anyway, just an idea to perhaps make it easier to find them among all the posts.
Thank you!
Nea
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When I first began working the steps, Step 1 seemed so obvious to me that I almost skipped it entirely. What a mistake that was and, in the end, I got stuck on future steps because of this.
My sponsor suggested that the Steps were like building blocks, building the foundation of our recovery. Each block or step must be in place or the following steps won`t hold up.
So I began again. I am powerless...what a concept. Me, the person who thought she had everything and everyone under control. All I had to do was take a good look at how unmanageable my life had become and I knew that indeed I had no power at all.
Someone told me that when we try to control someone else, we give them all the power. Because if they do what we want, we are pleased, but if they do not we are angry or sad or frustrated. We gave them the power over how we would feel.
For about a month I gave great thought before I responded to anything asking myself if this was mine to own or was I just doing something for someone that they should and could do for themself. I asked myself if I had any control at all over what people did or said or promised or didn`t do, and the answer was always no.
How freeing it was to stop trying to run the universe. How much easier my life became when I stopped trying to make someone become someone they were not, or give something they were incapable of giving.
It was a process that took time, but eventually I got a good grasp of what Step 1 meant to me and my life.
Thanks, Cats, for starting this thread. It does me good to review the steps and see that they remain in place in my life today.
Hugs
My sponsor suggested that the Steps were like building blocks, building the foundation of our recovery. Each block or step must be in place or the following steps won`t hold up.
So I began again. I am powerless...what a concept. Me, the person who thought she had everything and everyone under control. All I had to do was take a good look at how unmanageable my life had become and I knew that indeed I had no power at all.
Someone told me that when we try to control someone else, we give them all the power. Because if they do what we want, we are pleased, but if they do not we are angry or sad or frustrated. We gave them the power over how we would feel.
For about a month I gave great thought before I responded to anything asking myself if this was mine to own or was I just doing something for someone that they should and could do for themself. I asked myself if I had any control at all over what people did or said or promised or didn`t do, and the answer was always no.
How freeing it was to stop trying to run the universe. How much easier my life became when I stopped trying to make someone become someone they were not, or give something they were incapable of giving.
It was a process that took time, but eventually I got a good grasp of what Step 1 meant to me and my life.
Thanks, Cats, for starting this thread. It does me good to review the steps and see that they remain in place in my life today.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
One little trick I learned from my sponsor is to examine a step by reading it _backwards_, and see how each phrase applies in my life.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable
What does "unmanageable" mean to me? It means that I cannot control and direct my life to reach the goals I have chosen.
How was my life unmanageable? I never knew what I would come home to after work. Would my wife be immersed in conversations with secret people on the computer? Would she be scheming to find a way to go meet them? Would she be vivacious and full of energy or depressed and half passed out? Would she have been fired?
All my time was wrapped up in dealing with the consequences of her behavior, and there was not time left for my own personal growth, or needs. I had no goals at all, other than to make it thru whatever chaos was coming up next.
That little phrase "had become" is very important to me. Prior to my ex-wife developing addiction to pain pills my life _was_ manageable. This phrase gave me hope. There was a cause and effect connection to the chaos in my life.
"Our lives" makes it clear to me that the problem has infected the entirety of my life. It's not just my thoughts, or emotions that needed help. It was _everything_.
"alcohol". I already knew that it was the chemicals that were at the center of her problems. What I didn't realize until I read this step is that _I_ was focusing on the chemicals. I thought that if only I could somehow get her to do what I knew was best for her then our lives would be fine. The truth is that I wasn't really focusing on her best interests, I was focusing on her chemical consumption. While she had become addicted to _taking_ the pills, I had become addicted to keeping them _away_ from her.
"powerless" This word connects right back to "unmanageable". Once I've worked backwards to this phrase in the step it's easy to see that I was having absolutely no effect on the things I _want_ to have an effect on. I was having no effect on managing my life, or on managing my wife's consumption of chemicals.
"admitted" I've heard this word defined as "to concede begrudgingly". I certainly would not have "conceded" that I was powerless over anything before I got to recovery. I was hanging on by my last thread to the hope that somehow, someway, I would be able to save my marriage. Admiting powerlessnes meant to me that I was giving up on my marriage. Having "worked the step" backwards, and looked at each phrase and how it applied to my life helped me realize that admitting to anything was not going to make any difference at all.
I was _already_ powerless over my life and the chemicals my wife was addicted to. Whether I "conceded" to it or not.
This is where I "cheat" in my recovery. I read ahead in the steps, and I look at all the people that show up at my meets. I see that the remainder of the steps deal with finding solutions for my powerlesness, and that a lot of people seem to have a truly wonderful life as a result of their program of recovery. So I decided to go ahead and see if maybe there was something helpful in all this.
Mike
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable
What does "unmanageable" mean to me? It means that I cannot control and direct my life to reach the goals I have chosen.
How was my life unmanageable? I never knew what I would come home to after work. Would my wife be immersed in conversations with secret people on the computer? Would she be scheming to find a way to go meet them? Would she be vivacious and full of energy or depressed and half passed out? Would she have been fired?
All my time was wrapped up in dealing with the consequences of her behavior, and there was not time left for my own personal growth, or needs. I had no goals at all, other than to make it thru whatever chaos was coming up next.
That little phrase "had become" is very important to me. Prior to my ex-wife developing addiction to pain pills my life _was_ manageable. This phrase gave me hope. There was a cause and effect connection to the chaos in my life.
"Our lives" makes it clear to me that the problem has infected the entirety of my life. It's not just my thoughts, or emotions that needed help. It was _everything_.
"alcohol". I already knew that it was the chemicals that were at the center of her problems. What I didn't realize until I read this step is that _I_ was focusing on the chemicals. I thought that if only I could somehow get her to do what I knew was best for her then our lives would be fine. The truth is that I wasn't really focusing on her best interests, I was focusing on her chemical consumption. While she had become addicted to _taking_ the pills, I had become addicted to keeping them _away_ from her.
"powerless" This word connects right back to "unmanageable". Once I've worked backwards to this phrase in the step it's easy to see that I was having absolutely no effect on the things I _want_ to have an effect on. I was having no effect on managing my life, or on managing my wife's consumption of chemicals.
"admitted" I've heard this word defined as "to concede begrudgingly". I certainly would not have "conceded" that I was powerless over anything before I got to recovery. I was hanging on by my last thread to the hope that somehow, someway, I would be able to save my marriage. Admiting powerlessnes meant to me that I was giving up on my marriage. Having "worked the step" backwards, and looked at each phrase and how it applied to my life helped me realize that admitting to anything was not going to make any difference at all.
I was _already_ powerless over my life and the chemicals my wife was addicted to. Whether I "conceded" to it or not.
This is where I "cheat" in my recovery. I read ahead in the steps, and I look at all the people that show up at my meets. I see that the remainder of the steps deal with finding solutions for my powerlesness, and that a lot of people seem to have a truly wonderful life as a result of their program of recovery. So I decided to go ahead and see if maybe there was something helpful in all this.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Powerless-what a scary word it is for someone dealing with alcohol or drug addiction. It took me a long time to realize that I was powerless over my daughter's addiction. It took a lot of pain, a lot of trying to fix a problem that just kept getting bigger and bigger, all the while I was getting more and more frustrated and consumed by it. When I accepted that I was powerless, the word became less scary and more freeing. Step 1 is the step that I must use everyday because without it the other steps do not work for me. Whenever my addict has a problem I must look at the problem and accept that it is not mine to fix. I still sometimes will spend too much time in my head coming up with solutions for her, but the difference now is that I don't act on them. And I have found that when I let go, she comes up with her own solutions or the problem seems to disappear. Which shows me that God has her. So along with being powerless, I also practice faith. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 43
Can you tell me the prayer that they end the meeting with? I don't know if it is in the handouts or a book. I would love to be able to be part of the prayer. I have only been to two meetings and would like to learn it. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
I guess everyday this is something that I must teach myself. My biggest problem is ACCEPTING the powerlessness.
Today I am in a situation that I again have to accept that things are not going the way I expect them to go. I feel I need to tell myself daily about acceptance.
Today my ex is clean and attending treatment. Today he is opening up to me more and being honest. I have to accept that TODAY that is all he can do. Maybe tomorrow it will be different but TODAY that is the way it is.
I am grateful that he has come to a point where he can open up to me and begin to communicate but then I fall right back into the whole expecting him to now do this and this. But the reality is that I have to accept that I am powerless over someone else's feelings, emotions, and recovery. I have to accept that today he is moving forward but not as fast as I would like.
Another thing that I have been learning that has been helpful to me is that when I expect someone to do something I set myself up for failure or getting hurt. I need to remind myself that I need to give WITH NO expectations in return. Real honest love of another person is acceptance of who they are NO matter where they are. Real honest love is allowing another person to make decisions for themselves that may NOT include you.
I find new things daily but those are the ones I truly am trying to concentrate on.
Today I am in a situation that I again have to accept that things are not going the way I expect them to go. I feel I need to tell myself daily about acceptance.
Today my ex is clean and attending treatment. Today he is opening up to me more and being honest. I have to accept that TODAY that is all he can do. Maybe tomorrow it will be different but TODAY that is the way it is.
I am grateful that he has come to a point where he can open up to me and begin to communicate but then I fall right back into the whole expecting him to now do this and this. But the reality is that I have to accept that I am powerless over someone else's feelings, emotions, and recovery. I have to accept that today he is moving forward but not as fast as I would like.
Another thing that I have been learning that has been helpful to me is that when I expect someone to do something I set myself up for failure or getting hurt. I need to remind myself that I need to give WITH NO expectations in return. Real honest love of another person is acceptance of who they are NO matter where they are. Real honest love is allowing another person to make decisions for themselves that may NOT include you.
I find new things daily but those are the ones I truly am trying to concentrate on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I would like to say first thank you so much for starting this thread, what an absolute pleasure it is to see actual "nuts and bolts" "recovery" and the twelve steps here in Alanon's forum.
I am powerless over alcohol, it doesn't matter who is drinking it.
Not only is -my- life unmanageable, but once I conceded that, it was easy to concede that other people's lives weren't manageable -by me-
I am powerless over anything I give my power to, whether it be someone who cuts me off in traffic or my alcoholic family members. This manifests itself in many forms, whether I give someone "free rent" in my head, to actual physical "power" as in how I choose to allow the alcoholics to have "power" over me via the dynamics of our relationship. It can be as simple as having my own car/exit for a holiday/Xmas/visit etc. to as complicated as having unrealized "expectations" and various forms of manipulation present in every unhealthy relationship I have ever been a part of, by both me and the alcoholic in my life, they usually become evident as a "hidden agenda" ie If I am nice they will ______, or if I do this, they need to _____.
My experience is, as is stated in here and other threads, unless I actually work the steps with an "alanon" grounded sponser, they are ineffective -for me- I have the ability to cosign my own ******** with amazing mental gymnastics and suffer from amazing "blind spots" that I literally can't see with certain facts about myself. An objective view from someone who has actually worked the steps that I am not paying (so they aren't afraid of hurting my feelings) is absolutely indispensable in addition to a "support group that has a very good grounding in recovery, truthfully, one of my most valued members of my "support group" in Alanon has been Givelove, so they need not be physically present, just have some recovery and not be afraid to tell me the truth, this is not only my experience but accepted "fact" around twelve step rooms in actually working the steps.
I also "jumped ahead" like Mike, and in the twelfth step it says "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps", it doesn't say A result, and it doesn't shilly shally, it says THE result, and if I ask anyone who has actually worked the steps, did this happen for you, the answer has always been "yes", emphatically "yes"
If you do "this", you get "this", it's very simple, I can talk about the steps until I'm blue in the face, but until I actually did them, nothing changed, because nothing changed (in me).
I found therapy helpful, and I found going through the steps helpful, but what rocketed me into a whole new realm was taking somebody else through the steps, that's when the program "grew legs" for me. (second part of the twelfth step)
P.S. I am presently "balking" on my latest (seventh) fourth step, I have ten more days to finish it, I see an "all nighter" in my near future....like in nine days.
I am powerless over alcohol, it doesn't matter who is drinking it.
Not only is -my- life unmanageable, but once I conceded that, it was easy to concede that other people's lives weren't manageable -by me-
I am powerless over anything I give my power to, whether it be someone who cuts me off in traffic or my alcoholic family members. This manifests itself in many forms, whether I give someone "free rent" in my head, to actual physical "power" as in how I choose to allow the alcoholics to have "power" over me via the dynamics of our relationship. It can be as simple as having my own car/exit for a holiday/Xmas/visit etc. to as complicated as having unrealized "expectations" and various forms of manipulation present in every unhealthy relationship I have ever been a part of, by both me and the alcoholic in my life, they usually become evident as a "hidden agenda" ie If I am nice they will ______, or if I do this, they need to _____.
My experience is, as is stated in here and other threads, unless I actually work the steps with an "alanon" grounded sponser, they are ineffective -for me- I have the ability to cosign my own ******** with amazing mental gymnastics and suffer from amazing "blind spots" that I literally can't see with certain facts about myself. An objective view from someone who has actually worked the steps that I am not paying (so they aren't afraid of hurting my feelings) is absolutely indispensable in addition to a "support group that has a very good grounding in recovery, truthfully, one of my most valued members of my "support group" in Alanon has been Givelove, so they need not be physically present, just have some recovery and not be afraid to tell me the truth, this is not only my experience but accepted "fact" around twelve step rooms in actually working the steps.
I also "jumped ahead" like Mike, and in the twelfth step it says "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps", it doesn't say A result, and it doesn't shilly shally, it says THE result, and if I ask anyone who has actually worked the steps, did this happen for you, the answer has always been "yes", emphatically "yes"
If you do "this", you get "this", it's very simple, I can talk about the steps until I'm blue in the face, but until I actually did them, nothing changed, because nothing changed (in me).
I found therapy helpful, and I found going through the steps helpful, but what rocketed me into a whole new realm was taking somebody else through the steps, that's when the program "grew legs" for me. (second part of the twelfth step)
P.S. I am presently "balking" on my latest (seventh) fourth step, I have ten more days to finish it, I see an "all nighter" in my near future....like in nine days.
Last edited by Ago; 01-11-2009 at 01:35 PM.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Step One: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."
My Al Anon story is a little different. I didn't come into Al Anon when I was at my emotional "bottom." My emotional bottom had been hit nearly 10 years earlier, during my divorce. By the time I came to Al Anon, I had pulled myself and my life together very well -- by all appearances. But, since part of my bottom has entailed my losing all sense of spiritual connection and meaning and since I had, after my divorce, gotten involved with my current partner -- who has been physically "sober" since 2/84 but who, at the time was very deep into a dry drunk relapse and acting out addictively in other ways -- internally things were not exactly going great.
I ended up attending a meeting on January 27, 2004 because I had a friend living in my house who was trying to escape an abusive relationship. Since I had no experience working with battered women, I had called some local women's shelters and organizations and asked for advice. One thing they all told me was "get her to Al Anon meetings." So I did.
Now, over the course of my relationship with my partner, as her behavior had become more and more dysfunctional and as I allowed myself to get more and more drawn into the drama of that, a few people had suggested Al Anon to me, but whenever my partner would hear about this she would say: "Well, I'm not drinking, so why would you need to go to Al Anon?" and, at the time that made a lot of sense to me -- surely alcoholism had to entail alcohol, right????
NOT.
So, I take my friend to this first meeting and here are all these people talking about the insanity that is going on in their homes, and I'm like: "Wow -- this is exactly what's going on in my home -- but without the drinking." Now, I'm not stupid, so it only took me that one meeting to realize that my partner's disease had gotten a lot of mileage out of my ignorance about what addiction is really all about and it was very clear that I needed to know more, so I kept coming back....
For me, when I first began "to get" Step 1, it was like : I am powerless over the alcoholism, and over the alcoholic and her alcoholic behavior and, because I have been trying to fix or control something that I can't fix or control, I am losing control of my own life.
Actually, when I understood what alcoholism was and how it works in people's lives, admitting that I was powerless over it was hugely liberating and relieving -- because it gave me permission to stop putting so much time and energy into trying to change and/or get through to my partner and enables me to see the situation I was in as it truly was (acceptance) and, then, with that new perspective, to see choices and options that I hadn't seen before.
I also have to say that, for me -- and maybe this is because of the point ni my life at which I came into program -- Steps 2, 3 and 11 actually worked simultaeneously with Step 1. Because, the whole HP piece was very important for me in being able to actually act upon the understanding I gained in Step 1. For me, without trust in HP, detaching from someone I love who is basically committing suicide on an installment plan would probably be impossible -- or, at least, it would not be possible as long as still loved that person.
I've discussed in a lot of detail elsewhere how I "came to believe," but for me, it was absolutely necessary to have and trust a HP in order to "let go" of my partner.....without a HP to rely on, letting go of a loved one who's not behaving sanely is almost too scary to contemplate -- to me it feels like letting that person fall into an abyss, and I guess, for me, if I love someone, I'm not going to be able to do that even if I know that my trying to save them is totally futile. But, with faith in HP comes the knowledge that there is no abyss....which, for me, makes it possible to let go of someone I love if that is what I need to do to take care of myself.
Also, another important program idea that has really been vital to me in "getting" Step one is the idea that truly valuing and respecting others means acknowledging their absolute right to freedom of choice -- even if the choices they are making are crazy and harmful to them. I am not treating other adults with respect and dignity if I do not respect their right to make their own choices and to do what they want to do (as long as it does not hurt dependent and/or non-consenting others). After all, if HP respects our free will and allows us to make our own choices, however poor they may be, who am I to think I have the right to do otherwise????? True respect and true love means allowing the "other" to be him or herself, even if that means that it is not what I want and even if it is bad for them and even if it means that I cannot continue to have that "other" in my life.
Anyway, at this point, Step 1 has been helpful in all the other areas of my life, too....but it all started with the alcoholism piece.
freya
My Al Anon story is a little different. I didn't come into Al Anon when I was at my emotional "bottom." My emotional bottom had been hit nearly 10 years earlier, during my divorce. By the time I came to Al Anon, I had pulled myself and my life together very well -- by all appearances. But, since part of my bottom has entailed my losing all sense of spiritual connection and meaning and since I had, after my divorce, gotten involved with my current partner -- who has been physically "sober" since 2/84 but who, at the time was very deep into a dry drunk relapse and acting out addictively in other ways -- internally things were not exactly going great.
I ended up attending a meeting on January 27, 2004 because I had a friend living in my house who was trying to escape an abusive relationship. Since I had no experience working with battered women, I had called some local women's shelters and organizations and asked for advice. One thing they all told me was "get her to Al Anon meetings." So I did.
Now, over the course of my relationship with my partner, as her behavior had become more and more dysfunctional and as I allowed myself to get more and more drawn into the drama of that, a few people had suggested Al Anon to me, but whenever my partner would hear about this she would say: "Well, I'm not drinking, so why would you need to go to Al Anon?" and, at the time that made a lot of sense to me -- surely alcoholism had to entail alcohol, right????
NOT.
So, I take my friend to this first meeting and here are all these people talking about the insanity that is going on in their homes, and I'm like: "Wow -- this is exactly what's going on in my home -- but without the drinking." Now, I'm not stupid, so it only took me that one meeting to realize that my partner's disease had gotten a lot of mileage out of my ignorance about what addiction is really all about and it was very clear that I needed to know more, so I kept coming back....
For me, when I first began "to get" Step 1, it was like : I am powerless over the alcoholism, and over the alcoholic and her alcoholic behavior and, because I have been trying to fix or control something that I can't fix or control, I am losing control of my own life.
Actually, when I understood what alcoholism was and how it works in people's lives, admitting that I was powerless over it was hugely liberating and relieving -- because it gave me permission to stop putting so much time and energy into trying to change and/or get through to my partner and enables me to see the situation I was in as it truly was (acceptance) and, then, with that new perspective, to see choices and options that I hadn't seen before.
I also have to say that, for me -- and maybe this is because of the point ni my life at which I came into program -- Steps 2, 3 and 11 actually worked simultaeneously with Step 1. Because, the whole HP piece was very important for me in being able to actually act upon the understanding I gained in Step 1. For me, without trust in HP, detaching from someone I love who is basically committing suicide on an installment plan would probably be impossible -- or, at least, it would not be possible as long as still loved that person.
I've discussed in a lot of detail elsewhere how I "came to believe," but for me, it was absolutely necessary to have and trust a HP in order to "let go" of my partner.....without a HP to rely on, letting go of a loved one who's not behaving sanely is almost too scary to contemplate -- to me it feels like letting that person fall into an abyss, and I guess, for me, if I love someone, I'm not going to be able to do that even if I know that my trying to save them is totally futile. But, with faith in HP comes the knowledge that there is no abyss....which, for me, makes it possible to let go of someone I love if that is what I need to do to take care of myself.
Also, another important program idea that has really been vital to me in "getting" Step one is the idea that truly valuing and respecting others means acknowledging their absolute right to freedom of choice -- even if the choices they are making are crazy and harmful to them. I am not treating other adults with respect and dignity if I do not respect their right to make their own choices and to do what they want to do (as long as it does not hurt dependent and/or non-consenting others). After all, if HP respects our free will and allows us to make our own choices, however poor they may be, who am I to think I have the right to do otherwise????? True respect and true love means allowing the "other" to be him or herself, even if that means that it is not what I want and even if it is bad for them and even if it means that I cannot continue to have that "other" in my life.
Anyway, at this point, Step 1 has been helpful in all the other areas of my life, too....but it all started with the alcoholism piece.
freya
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
This thread contains so much brilliant e, s & h that I officially now have to go put on my shades 
Looking forward to these threads, Cats. Thank you so much for the opportunity to re-work them.
Looking forward to these threads, Cats. Thank you so much for the opportunity to re-work them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Milwaukee WI
Posts: 137
This is a great thread! Until I accepted that I was powerless over alcohol, I could not move forward and get out of this marriage. It took alot of time for me to really see and admit that, gosh! I realized that my life was unmanageable, but guess I didn't realize how much until I stepped out of it and that WOW...what was I thinking! I am working very hard to let it go, I can't change what happened, it is what it is, accept it and move on. But, I still need to let him continue his own path...it's not mine to work. It's hard for me because even though he is now "trying" AA, I still see such negative from him, still the same crap, and I have to tell myself it's not mine, I couldn't control or get him to stop drinking, I certainly can't control what kind of "recovery" he does...this is perfect timing for me....thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Thank you for this posting! What great timing. I attended my first Al-Anon meeting last night. I didn't think I needed it because I was working on my recovery - by myself.
Wrong.
I've come to believe that I need the group's help, wisdom and sharing. I can't do this alone.
My story is similar to Freya's, I left my AH/drunk drunk husband 5 months ago yesterday. I still need help, I need to work thru these steps and hopefully with the help of my HP and my group I will.
Thank you. K.
Wrong.
I've come to believe that I need the group's help, wisdom and sharing. I can't do this alone.
My story is similar to Freya's, I left my AH/drunk drunk husband 5 months ago yesterday. I still need help, I need to work thru these steps and hopefully with the help of my HP and my group I will.
Thank you. K.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by lost sue 
....Can you tell me the prayer that they end the meeting with? ....
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Mike
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Hi all...
Being a hard head, I had a difficult time believing that I, me, moi, was powerless? Not a chance. THEN I fell into the land of loony...everything was falling apart, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why!
SO! I decided to try Alanon, and it still took me quite a while to accept powerlessness but in time, I did.
It's truly amazing how much better our family's lives are because I attend Alanon.
The little "prayer" or ditty we say at the end of our meeting is:
The Lord's Prayer,
and then we all say
Keep coming back, it works if you work it, and you're worth it!
Being a hard head, I had a difficult time believing that I, me, moi, was powerless? Not a chance. THEN I fell into the land of loony...everything was falling apart, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why!
SO! I decided to try Alanon, and it still took me quite a while to accept powerlessness but in time, I did.
It's truly amazing how much better our family's lives are because I attend Alanon.
The little "prayer" or ditty we say at the end of our meeting is:
The Lord's Prayer,
and then we all say
Keep coming back, it works if you work it, and you're worth it!
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