The highs and lows...
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
LTD is right, words mean nothing, actions are what to take stock in.
My abf was very good at talking alot of sense and saying the right things, but when it actually came to following through on long term action - zilch.
I would also add that 'sobriety' is a state of being reached by hard work in abstinence AND self reflection work. Programmes such as the AA encourage those in recovery to do personal work as well as abstaining from their drug of choice. Take a look at the 12 steps for clarification
Alcoholics Anonymous: The 12 Steps of AA
You will see many steps are specifically related to self reflection and improvement. This is because it has been found that long term sobriety is best maintained when coupled with this work and because alcohol/other drug abuse tends to have it's origins which need to be addressed i.e. family of origin issues.
I used to believe that on the days my abf did not drink he was 'sober', it took me a long time to realise that his alcoholism permeated into these days just as it did his drunk ones.
The terms 'dry drunk' and 'stinking thinking' are used to desribe a person who ia abstaining from alcohol, but not working a recovery programme. They suffer stinking thinking because quite often the manipulation, mind games, verbal/emotional abuse etc etc that F&F witness when the A is actively drinking is often still there when the A is not drinking.
In my experience, I could not trust in what my abf said when he had a non drinking day just as much as when he was drinking.
So to go full circle, look to the actions and not the words.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My abf was very good at talking alot of sense and saying the right things, but when it actually came to following through on long term action - zilch.
I would also add that 'sobriety' is a state of being reached by hard work in abstinence AND self reflection work. Programmes such as the AA encourage those in recovery to do personal work as well as abstaining from their drug of choice. Take a look at the 12 steps for clarification
Alcoholics Anonymous: The 12 Steps of AA
You will see many steps are specifically related to self reflection and improvement. This is because it has been found that long term sobriety is best maintained when coupled with this work and because alcohol/other drug abuse tends to have it's origins which need to be addressed i.e. family of origin issues.
I used to believe that on the days my abf did not drink he was 'sober', it took me a long time to realise that his alcoholism permeated into these days just as it did his drunk ones.
The terms 'dry drunk' and 'stinking thinking' are used to desribe a person who ia abstaining from alcohol, but not working a recovery programme. They suffer stinking thinking because quite often the manipulation, mind games, verbal/emotional abuse etc etc that F&F witness when the A is actively drinking is often still there when the A is not drinking.
In my experience, I could not trust in what my abf said when he had a non drinking day just as much as when he was drinking.
So to go full circle, look to the actions and not the words.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
(new here so don't know how to pull quotes from other posts yet)
"I used to believe that on the days my abf did not drink he was 'sober', it took me a long time to realise that his alcoholism permeated into these days just as it did his drunk ones."
Lilyflower, this statement REALLY hits home for me. Such a sad realization.
"I guess by 'impact' I mean making her understand in a 'these are the facts' way"
Jsmile, when I first started to flag AH's drinking as an issue (for me), this is the exact nature of our 'next day' conversations. The words 'making her' is understandable but simply put, you won't be able to make her see the light, no matter how factual or rational your argument or point is. My AH is an intelligent, well educated guy. When he's sober he agrees, but it doesn't stop him from doing it all over again. It's a sad fact. He's told me he understands, but the craving is too strong, or he thinks he can handle a 'few' and of course once he's had them, everything is out the window.
"I used to believe that on the days my abf did not drink he was 'sober', it took me a long time to realise that his alcoholism permeated into these days just as it did his drunk ones."
Lilyflower, this statement REALLY hits home for me. Such a sad realization.
"I guess by 'impact' I mean making her understand in a 'these are the facts' way"
Jsmile, when I first started to flag AH's drinking as an issue (for me), this is the exact nature of our 'next day' conversations. The words 'making her' is understandable but simply put, you won't be able to make her see the light, no matter how factual or rational your argument or point is. My AH is an intelligent, well educated guy. When he's sober he agrees, but it doesn't stop him from doing it all over again. It's a sad fact. He's told me he understands, but the craving is too strong, or he thinks he can handle a 'few' and of course once he's had them, everything is out the window.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Originally Posted by Jsmile 
By 'impact' I mean that for a brief moment she hears what I'm saying, but not that my words have any power to help resolve the issue.
They allowed me to continue to fool myself into believing that he understood my pain and that he was responsible for alleviating that pain.
They frustrated and aggravated my alcoholic.
"Talking", over and over again, to an active alcoholic is, for me, an attempt to control and manipulate the A into behaving as I see fit.
And trying to exert control where I have none = Crazy-making.
-TC
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