The highs and lows...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 9
The highs and lows...
Hello all,
First of all a thanks to all who have extended a warm welcome. I've made a few posts here but figured I'd start a new thread to introduce myself properly.
I've been with my wife for 15 years now and we have two children. When we first met, in our early twenties, we were both used to drinking socially in what was a hectic social life and would use alcohol to lubricate the wheels of an evening out. As the years have moved on, the nights out have naturally waned as parenthood and careers have sapped the energy levels somewhat but that's nothing unusual and a sofa is a welcoming sight at the end of the day now.
My drinking habits have all but disappeared since those early days, my wife's however have not. To clarify she doesn't drink everyday (to my knowledge) but drinks regularly and when she does it's inevitably to drink until she's unconcious. I know that she has certain issues she has to resolve, and I know her drinking is used to cope with everything from boredom to deeper traumas that need to be tackled rather than pushed under the rug for another evening.
For many years her drinking episodes that have left their mark on me I've been able to shrug off with time and patience, but this has been going on for 15 years and my resolve has been eroded to the point where I'm begining to question where my future lies.
For the record I'm still very much in love with my wife, which as I'm sure a lot of you will agree makes the situation even more difficult as it would be much easier to walk away from someone if those feelings weren't present, it's why we care.
And so I live a life split down the middle. Half of my time extremely happy and feeling very lucky when she's sober, and the other half feeling trapped and wanting to be somewhere else for the duration of her binges.
First of all a thanks to all who have extended a warm welcome. I've made a few posts here but figured I'd start a new thread to introduce myself properly.
I've been with my wife for 15 years now and we have two children. When we first met, in our early twenties, we were both used to drinking socially in what was a hectic social life and would use alcohol to lubricate the wheels of an evening out. As the years have moved on, the nights out have naturally waned as parenthood and careers have sapped the energy levels somewhat but that's nothing unusual and a sofa is a welcoming sight at the end of the day now.
My drinking habits have all but disappeared since those early days, my wife's however have not. To clarify she doesn't drink everyday (to my knowledge) but drinks regularly and when she does it's inevitably to drink until she's unconcious. I know that she has certain issues she has to resolve, and I know her drinking is used to cope with everything from boredom to deeper traumas that need to be tackled rather than pushed under the rug for another evening.
For many years her drinking episodes that have left their mark on me I've been able to shrug off with time and patience, but this has been going on for 15 years and my resolve has been eroded to the point where I'm begining to question where my future lies.
For the record I'm still very much in love with my wife, which as I'm sure a lot of you will agree makes the situation even more difficult as it would be much easier to walk away from someone if those feelings weren't present, it's why we care.
And so I live a life split down the middle. Half of my time extremely happy and feeling very lucky when she's sober, and the other half feeling trapped and wanting to be somewhere else for the duration of her binges.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I feel the same way about my abf and we have lived apart now, tho only a few minutes away for the past 7 years. I could not take the being around him when he was drunk and behaving so badly, and inviting some pretty dubious people back to our home. When the last lot stole his money and my jewelry whilst he was asleep, (I was away from home) I left and found my own place and he got his own also.
He has been sober for over a year, once, and for varying periods of time since then, but I never knew when the sword over my head would fall, til it did just that.
He decided a while back, that he had to quit, and wanted to quit drinking, and has been sober since then and making plans for the future without alcohol. I need to leave my unit next week and will be staying with friends and daughters, and abf til I have somewhere to live again. He has moved his gear around in his small flat, so I can store my gear there, has helped me pack and move stuff and been wonderful. BUT I still can't trust that he will not drink again, for some weird reason so I am very wary of any commitment or promise.
It is hard to let go of someone you have loved for 18 years, even with some awful and very painful experiences still in the back of your mind. I have given it all over to God to work with. As a friend said of her drug addict daughter, "You have her now, You made her and only You can fix her". AND HE DID. So I say the same for us both, abf and me.
I hope you read all you can here, threads and posts, and perhaps you would get some great help from Alanon, from folk who have lived and still are living with active drinkers.
Whatever you do, I wish you all the best,
God bless
He has been sober for over a year, once, and for varying periods of time since then, but I never knew when the sword over my head would fall, til it did just that.
He decided a while back, that he had to quit, and wanted to quit drinking, and has been sober since then and making plans for the future without alcohol. I need to leave my unit next week and will be staying with friends and daughters, and abf til I have somewhere to live again. He has moved his gear around in his small flat, so I can store my gear there, has helped me pack and move stuff and been wonderful. BUT I still can't trust that he will not drink again, for some weird reason so I am very wary of any commitment or promise.
It is hard to let go of someone you have loved for 18 years, even with some awful and very painful experiences still in the back of your mind. I have given it all over to God to work with. As a friend said of her drug addict daughter, "You have her now, You made her and only You can fix her". AND HE DID. So I say the same for us both, abf and me.
I hope you read all you can here, threads and posts, and perhaps you would get some great help from Alanon, from folk who have lived and still are living with active drinkers.
Whatever you do, I wish you all the best,
God bless
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
mmmm, the only thing we have power over doing and control to get done is whatever is inside of ourselves, emotions beahviours etc etc.
It was a big weight lifted the day I finally understood that nothing I could do could fix my abf. I stopped trying, I stopped putting all my energy on what was a wasted cause. Only he could get himself sober and only he had the power to decide how and when that would happen.
I had some questions to ask of myself -
Could I live with my abf and continue my life with full knowledge and acceptance of his addiction; fully understanding that while he was still an active alcoholic that he was unreliable, unpredictable, angry, abusive (most often verbally and emotionally, but sometimes also physically); that he would be in and out of work, not a contributing parent, partner or a good role model for my daughter?
Could I live with him despite all those facts of MY life and give him the space and time to seek and find recovery, possibly never doing so?
Could I maintain my peace, my serenity, my happiness in the face of all that?
Was this the future I wanted for myself growing up; was this the future Iwanted for my daughter and future children to come?
Some people do stay, but I have generally found from observation that those people's A has found recovery or actively seeking it.
When I asked my questions that applied to me and my life, once I stopped making excuses for him and his behaviour, when I took off the blinkers to his abusive nature; I found I couldn't do it.
Ask yourself some questions about your reality and see where you get to.
Good luck
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It was a big weight lifted the day I finally understood that nothing I could do could fix my abf. I stopped trying, I stopped putting all my energy on what was a wasted cause. Only he could get himself sober and only he had the power to decide how and when that would happen.
I had some questions to ask of myself -
Could I live with my abf and continue my life with full knowledge and acceptance of his addiction; fully understanding that while he was still an active alcoholic that he was unreliable, unpredictable, angry, abusive (most often verbally and emotionally, but sometimes also physically); that he would be in and out of work, not a contributing parent, partner or a good role model for my daughter?
Could I live with him despite all those facts of MY life and give him the space and time to seek and find recovery, possibly never doing so?
Could I maintain my peace, my serenity, my happiness in the face of all that?
Was this the future I wanted for myself growing up; was this the future Iwanted for my daughter and future children to come?
Some people do stay, but I have generally found from observation that those people's A has found recovery or actively seeking it.
When I asked my questions that applied to me and my life, once I stopped making excuses for him and his behaviour, when I took off the blinkers to his abusive nature; I found I couldn't do it.
Ask yourself some questions about your reality and see where you get to.
Good luck
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
The highs and the lows- exactly!!
Ugh. It's like an endless roller coaster.
And yes, the love that ties all of us to our A's is what causes so much struggle...if only love could cure addiction - what a wonderful world THAT would be!
peace-
B.
Ugh. It's like an endless roller coaster.
And yes, the love that ties all of us to our A's is what causes so much struggle...if only love could cure addiction - what a wonderful world THAT would be!
peace-
B.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
And so I live a life split down the middle. Half of my time extremely happy and feeling very lucky when she's sober, and the other half feeling trapped and wanting to be somewhere else for the duration of her binges.
Please keep reading and posting - there are so many others that are going through the same thing.
Hugs to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 9
I'm glad (and very proud) to say that my kids have grown up into two very well rounded individuals, both of whom are doing really well at school,they have very close friends who they see outside of school regularly and for the most part are a happy go lucky pair.
My wife's drinking habits have usually taken place after they've gone to sleep, so on the whole they have been spared the experience of their mum getting out of hand. But they are of course getting older which inevitably means later bedtimes. About a month ago my eldest (11) spoke about 'mum speaking in a voice like she was really sleepy', which was in fact my wife slurring her speech. I sat my wife down the next day and told her, she was in tears at the thought but she needs to know and it has to be a contributing factor to her wanting to sort this out. It worked for me, the first time I saw my daughter standing in the garden holding a crayon like a cigarette I quit smoking there and then (admittedly I have relapsed a couple of times but it's been 5 years now!).
I'm not so foolish as to think that we're only talking about actually experiencing events here, I know that they will have picked up on any tensions that have arisen from our situation. But all things considered they are doing okay.
My wife's drinking habits have usually taken place after they've gone to sleep, so on the whole they have been spared the experience of their mum getting out of hand. But they are of course getting older which inevitably means later bedtimes. About a month ago my eldest (11) spoke about 'mum speaking in a voice like she was really sleepy', which was in fact my wife slurring her speech. I sat my wife down the next day and told her, she was in tears at the thought but she needs to know and it has to be a contributing factor to her wanting to sort this out. It worked for me, the first time I saw my daughter standing in the garden holding a crayon like a cigarette I quit smoking there and then (admittedly I have relapsed a couple of times but it's been 5 years now!).
I'm not so foolish as to think that we're only talking about actually experiencing events here, I know that they will have picked up on any tensions that have arisen from our situation. But all things considered they are doing okay.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Jsmile 
I'm not so foolish as to think that we're only talking about actually experiencing events here, I know that they will have picked up on any tensions that have arisen from our situation. But all things considered they are doing okay.
Here is one of my favorite links: http://members.wizzards.net/~mlworden/turb/contents.htm
L
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Jsmile, I can sub in my husband and I for your family - it is almost an identical story. We have a 14 month old girl. Same thing - active social life, lots of drinking, slowly curbing as we settled into careers, marriages and family - except for him. His drinking kept up the pace. I call him a weekend binge alcoholic. During the week all 'seems' fine, work, dinner, baby to bed, some tv, computer, household stuff, bedtime at 10. Weekend during the day with our daughter, shopping etc. At least one weekend night, he's wasted. Either out with friends or by himself at home.
Although some of our friends may suspect, I've told none of them about his drinking. Likely he looks normal to them but is the guy who 'always takes it too far' when we're all out. And life when he's sober, which is still the majority of the time, is ok. We can laugh, we can be friends, we revel in our daughter. BUT, it is slowly chipping away at me. The hurt, the 'constant-ness' and inevitability of the next weekend, and a hurtful day after where I'm angry that he did it again, he feels terrible that he did it again, etc. The anger, and sometimes the uncertainty if he's out and may or may not come home. Despite all the good things, and there are still good things, the cycle is not getting any better, even though he's starting to get some help. I have been in al anon for 5 months, and it has helped me gain insight into this whole mess. I mourn the relationship I once had, as despite the amicable situation in daily life, we have no deeper intimacy and I have stopped trusting him when it comes to drinking. It takes its toll, even if it's not as apparent as some other alcoholic situations that I've read here. But I know it will get worse if he doesn't get help. We have lost a lot and we will lose more with no action.
I have told him that I need to split from him. We are in process of selling our house and moving closer to family, and staying with family until our finances are free. I told him I'd arrange for a basement bedroom in the meantime with the implication that he'd find himself another place to live when the house sells. He told me he'd get help so that wouldn't happen, but I'm now firm in my stance. Does it kill me to live in this situation? No, it's manageable, at least on the surface. But I can't see a break in the cycle unless I break it and I need to do it now to spare my daughter from potential future chaos. Maybe it will be the shakeup he needs and he will get sober, maybe it won't. But it got to the point where all the good things are completely negated by the drinking. The scale finally tipped. Maybe you find yourself in the same predicament. All the best to you.
Although some of our friends may suspect, I've told none of them about his drinking. Likely he looks normal to them but is the guy who 'always takes it too far' when we're all out. And life when he's sober, which is still the majority of the time, is ok. We can laugh, we can be friends, we revel in our daughter. BUT, it is slowly chipping away at me. The hurt, the 'constant-ness' and inevitability of the next weekend, and a hurtful day after where I'm angry that he did it again, he feels terrible that he did it again, etc. The anger, and sometimes the uncertainty if he's out and may or may not come home. Despite all the good things, and there are still good things, the cycle is not getting any better, even though he's starting to get some help. I have been in al anon for 5 months, and it has helped me gain insight into this whole mess. I mourn the relationship I once had, as despite the amicable situation in daily life, we have no deeper intimacy and I have stopped trusting him when it comes to drinking. It takes its toll, even if it's not as apparent as some other alcoholic situations that I've read here. But I know it will get worse if he doesn't get help. We have lost a lot and we will lose more with no action.
I have told him that I need to split from him. We are in process of selling our house and moving closer to family, and staying with family until our finances are free. I told him I'd arrange for a basement bedroom in the meantime with the implication that he'd find himself another place to live when the house sells. He told me he'd get help so that wouldn't happen, but I'm now firm in my stance. Does it kill me to live in this situation? No, it's manageable, at least on the surface. But I can't see a break in the cycle unless I break it and I need to do it now to spare my daughter from potential future chaos. Maybe it will be the shakeup he needs and he will get sober, maybe it won't. But it got to the point where all the good things are completely negated by the drinking. The scale finally tipped. Maybe you find yourself in the same predicament. All the best to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 9
By lucky I mean that it's the time I get to spend with the person I fell in love with, the person who can make me laugh out loud and who's company is warm and easy. Not everyone finds that which is why I use the word lucky. A distinct contrast to the person who appears after drink enters the equation.
We have talked about this and to her credit last year she made a concerted effort to get on top of this and the house was free of alcohol for a considerable time. However her mother became ill towards the end of the year and died within a matter of months. She also lost her father a few years before, all of which of course put an end to her efforts as she tried to cope with losing a second parent.
I know that you can argue that there will always be an excuse to drink, another stressful situation to cope with, but as life experiences go losing a parent is a big one and I told myself I was going to shut up and just let her deal with her grief in whatever way she needed to. I did what I thought was the right thing to do at the time. The truth is, of course, that it has prolonged the agony. It's impossible to greive when each time you begin to feel anything painful you drown it in alcohol, thus the emotions it's necessary to experience to allow you to move on are never allowed to surface, and so without greiving properly she is still dealing with her loss and so it goes on.
So yes, you're right, it is sad but as I've said before loyalty is my vice and I genuinly struggle with the idea leaving because of this, as though that would be a failing on my part.
We have talked about this and to her credit last year she made a concerted effort to get on top of this and the house was free of alcohol for a considerable time. However her mother became ill towards the end of the year and died within a matter of months. She also lost her father a few years before, all of which of course put an end to her efforts as she tried to cope with losing a second parent.
I know that you can argue that there will always be an excuse to drink, another stressful situation to cope with, but as life experiences go losing a parent is a big one and I told myself I was going to shut up and just let her deal with her grief in whatever way she needed to. I did what I thought was the right thing to do at the time. The truth is, of course, that it has prolonged the agony. It's impossible to greive when each time you begin to feel anything painful you drown it in alcohol, thus the emotions it's necessary to experience to allow you to move on are never allowed to surface, and so without greiving properly she is still dealing with her loss and so it goes on.
So yes, you're right, it is sad but as I've said before loyalty is my vice and I genuinly struggle with the idea leaving because of this, as though that would be a failing on my part.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 56
Hi Jsmile and thanks for this thread!
I have lived the same type of situation as you with my wife of 16 years becoming
(catching ?) alcoholic for the last 6 years she now is 3 months sober.
Loyalty is maybe also a "vice" of mine, I of course considered leaving with our 3 children several times but I did not wether that is good or bad I could not say,finally she bottomed out last year and now our family can start to recover.
She drank only after a certain time like your wife 5 o'clock in the evenings to be precise which led to horrible tensions and verbal aggresions etc.
Our family and our idea of what our family should do and where it should be going was and is the focale point of our relationship, when her drinking finally touched that in a visible way- my 12 year old getting drunk and throwing up over her mother! She decided
to stop drinking. (I know they have been touched in ways that cannot be seen)
We were lucky to find a doctor who would listen and counselling with someone amazing(I'm going in 10 minutes for a two hour session!)
Sophrology in London with Brigitte Rinner, Caycedian Sophrologist
this is not the person as we live in France but it explains what kind of counselling we have.
Any emotion good or bad is a reason for an alcoholic to drink Jsmile, its the "emotion" part they can not handle without covering it without alcohol (in my small experience that is).
We tried to talk to our kids(9, 12 and 14) whilst she was drinking but it was really hard for them to understand too frightening, now we can talk about it while we are eating together to tell them how it happened how it could happen to other people how alcoholics can be architects sportsmen rich people and poor.
They see their mother taking her antidepressants its not hidden ,after a time of being angry with their mother maybe they can start to be proud of her!
I stayed and for the moment we(I) are lucky I'm not saying everyone should stay and hope it changes but I just wanted to share this with you (all).
Life is not all roses afterwards either of course depression (mine and hers) and where do we go from here etc but I'll start my own thread on that later and stop hijacking yours!
Thanks for sharing ,look after yourself
N.Walker
I have lived the same type of situation as you with my wife of 16 years becoming
(catching ?) alcoholic for the last 6 years she now is 3 months sober.
Loyalty is maybe also a "vice" of mine, I of course considered leaving with our 3 children several times but I did not wether that is good or bad I could not say,finally she bottomed out last year and now our family can start to recover.
She drank only after a certain time like your wife 5 o'clock in the evenings to be precise which led to horrible tensions and verbal aggresions etc.
Our family and our idea of what our family should do and where it should be going was and is the focale point of our relationship, when her drinking finally touched that in a visible way- my 12 year old getting drunk and throwing up over her mother! She decided
to stop drinking. (I know they have been touched in ways that cannot be seen)
We were lucky to find a doctor who would listen and counselling with someone amazing(I'm going in 10 minutes for a two hour session!)
Sophrology in London with Brigitte Rinner, Caycedian Sophrologist
this is not the person as we live in France but it explains what kind of counselling we have.
Any emotion good or bad is a reason for an alcoholic to drink Jsmile, its the "emotion" part they can not handle without covering it without alcohol (in my small experience that is).
We tried to talk to our kids(9, 12 and 14) whilst she was drinking but it was really hard for them to understand too frightening, now we can talk about it while we are eating together to tell them how it happened how it could happen to other people how alcoholics can be architects sportsmen rich people and poor.
They see their mother taking her antidepressants its not hidden ,after a time of being angry with their mother maybe they can start to be proud of her!
I stayed and for the moment we(I) are lucky I'm not saying everyone should stay and hope it changes but I just wanted to share this with you (all).
Life is not all roses afterwards either of course depression (mine and hers) and where do we go from here etc but I'll start my own thread on that later and stop hijacking yours!
Thanks for sharing ,look after yourself
N.Walker
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Jsmile, I get it. This has been my dilemma for years. He is a great guy, a great provider. When I too was 'partying' with him, I didn't notice, but when my use subsided and his didn't, I started to see that other person he becomes. Really only takes 1 drink nowadays and the change starts. I hate that person and detach. He has also struggled with depression, and although hasn't suffered the hurt of losing parents, he has always struggled with his choices in life. Believe me, now that I'm learning, and hear all these stories here, I realize it's NOT ABOUT the things that happen around them. If it wasn't losing parents (as in your case) it would be unhappiness of career/school choices (my case). It's because they externalize everything, when at the core, it's an INNER HOLE that they try to fill - and nothing external can fill it. Not to minimize her grief over her parents at all, I'm just saying that you're right, there will always be something.
It sounds like you're not ready for anything drastic yet, but being here and sharing is a sure sign that you're getting uncomfortable. 2 years ago my AH got drunk at a family function and I lost it in front of everyone, and my sister told me to go to al anon. I didn't go until 5 months ago. I too hadn't been ready to face it. I am now. The curse here is the SLOW deterioration - becomes the new normal in such a subtle way that you simply and sub-consciously adapt. And you want to be supportive and loving for her in hard times. But it does continue to deteriorate. And then I start to think - why is it that I WISH for so many things in my marriage that I don't have? Why am I wishing? Because it's missing. I'm living with a big gap of what I wanted out of my marriage and what is. My recovery is what will close that gap. But I couldn't bring myself to admit the gap for very long because I held out hope that somehow things would magically get fixed. If only, if only. I sympathize. It's a terrible spot to be in. I heard of a book here, that I'm going to try and find today called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. The title itself epitomizes what I'm going through. Best to you.
It sounds like you're not ready for anything drastic yet, but being here and sharing is a sure sign that you're getting uncomfortable. 2 years ago my AH got drunk at a family function and I lost it in front of everyone, and my sister told me to go to al anon. I didn't go until 5 months ago. I too hadn't been ready to face it. I am now. The curse here is the SLOW deterioration - becomes the new normal in such a subtle way that you simply and sub-consciously adapt. And you want to be supportive and loving for her in hard times. But it does continue to deteriorate. And then I start to think - why is it that I WISH for so many things in my marriage that I don't have? Why am I wishing? Because it's missing. I'm living with a big gap of what I wanted out of my marriage and what is. My recovery is what will close that gap. But I couldn't bring myself to admit the gap for very long because I held out hope that somehow things would magically get fixed. If only, if only. I sympathize. It's a terrible spot to be in. I heard of a book here, that I'm going to try and find today called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. The title itself epitomizes what I'm going through. Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Yes Lilyflower, Codependent No More was a real eye opener for me - like I was reading the definition of myself in the dictionary! I couldn't find the book I wanted to today but bought The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 9
Very eloquently put Silkspin.
Well tonight was another joy to behold. Having not drunk anything for most of the week my wife worked her way through two bottles of wine tonight and an evening that began with us laughing and having fun together ended with an arguement where I was blamed for her drinking habits and told to stop making her feel guilty. I tried once again to get across to her how damaged things are but it it all falls short under the circumstances. For these conversations to have any impact they need to happen with both parties sober.
Well tonight was another joy to behold. Having not drunk anything for most of the week my wife worked her way through two bottles of wine tonight and an evening that began with us laughing and having fun together ended with an arguement where I was blamed for her drinking habits and told to stop making her feel guilty. I tried once again to get across to her how damaged things are but it it all falls short under the circumstances. For these conversations to have any impact they need to happen with both parties sober.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Jsmile,
Even if she were sober, would it have any impact? Did the last one? I would say, seeing as she's drunk now, that it didn't. You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
Even if she were sober, would it have any impact? Did the last one? I would say, seeing as she's drunk now, that it didn't. You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Jsmile
For these conversations to have any impact they need to happen with both parties sober.
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
After drinking, the sober conversations have, for the most part, done nothing. Up to now I think he has conveniently handed me what I wanted to hear, done as little as possible to show he may be doing something but then the cycle inevitably repeats. My AH also tried abstinence, failed every time 
Jsmile, do you go to al anon? I highly recommend it. I've learned a lot about the disease and I've learned how to start looking at myself, my health, my well-being. Toughest thing in the world but I'm putting one foot in front of the other. And, slowly feeling empowered. Stop trying to convince her of the damage she's doing, Still Water is right. Focus on yourself, what you want, the damage you feel as a result of her actions.
Jsmile, do you go to al anon? I highly recommend it. I've learned a lot about the disease and I've learned how to start looking at myself, my health, my well-being. Toughest thing in the world but I'm putting one foot in front of the other. And, slowly feeling empowered. Stop trying to convince her of the damage she's doing, Still Water is right. Focus on yourself, what you want, the damage you feel as a result of her actions.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 56
Hi again Jsmile,
When sober, has your wife admitted that she has a problem and if so does she say that she wants to stop?
I seem to be swimming against all kinds of currents and ideas here but I can only talk from my experience, My wife lied to me about stopping but realised she was alcoholic and said she knew she had to stop , when "bottomed out" she asked for help making appointements with doctors counseling etc. I was lucky to be there and do that for her
She decided to do all that , you can't decide that for your wife it has to come from her.
Are we codependent because we wait? It depends on the situation, I know all are different, but if we work on ourselves to change those habits and the children aren't suffering too much (whatever that means -I almost moved out countless times these last few years!) then maybe we can help when that moment arrives.
You can't cure this disease I certainly do not feel I have cured my wife.(She will for the rest of her life be an alcoholic sober or not!)
Talking to the person they become when drunk is pointless,
I hope this helps you somehow? Good luck to you and your family
N.Walker.
When sober, has your wife admitted that she has a problem and if so does she say that she wants to stop?
I seem to be swimming against all kinds of currents and ideas here but I can only talk from my experience, My wife lied to me about stopping but realised she was alcoholic and said she knew she had to stop , when "bottomed out" she asked for help making appointements with doctors counseling etc. I was lucky to be there and do that for her
She decided to do all that , you can't decide that for your wife it has to come from her.
Are we codependent because we wait? It depends on the situation, I know all are different, but if we work on ourselves to change those habits and the children aren't suffering too much (whatever that means -I almost moved out countless times these last few years!) then maybe we can help when that moment arrives.
You can't cure this disease I certainly do not feel I have cured my wife.(She will for the rest of her life be an alcoholic sober or not!)
Talking to the person they become when drunk is pointless,
I hope this helps you somehow? Good luck to you and your family
N.Walker.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 9
I guess by 'impact' I mean making her understand in a 'these are the facts' way, something that drink makes her just shrug off but in the cold light of day hit home. I'm not suggesting that these talks have any kind of lasting impression, when talked about the morning after she takes it all on board, shows remorse, makes promises and 'yes' has admitted in the past that she knows it's a problem.
By 'impact' I mean that for a brief moment she hears what I'm saying, but not that my words have any power to help resolve the issue.
By 'impact' I mean that for a brief moment she hears what I'm saying, but not that my words have any power to help resolve the issue.
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